daughters aggressive behavior

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I have 3 kidz with autism. two daughters are 11 and my son is 12. My daughter K, is thick and chubby. She has lots of temper tantrums.

Lately she doesn't want to get on the bus for school. She just wants to play on the computer. She throws herself on the floor right as the bus pulls up for us to get out. Theres lots of screaming by both parties.

Now I don't have a lot of help inside the home. My husband does NOT help a lot. If he does help, its only because the kidz have done something to one of his things.

I'm about at my wits end and I don't know what to do.

I don't like screaming but thats my panic mode when they have to go, NOW.

any ideas would be much appreciated.

New rule: No computer until after school.

I would not handle that at all. There would be no computer for a week if there were tantrums. Take it all away: tablets, phones, video game consoles, computers. They just disappear for awhile.

Once the time is up, bring it back to see what happens. If it starts again, keep it away longer. Eventually, it should never come back after repeated disobedience. Problem solved.

HFA kids understand discipline (I did). It actually would have worked well for me had my parents been consistent. I like rules.

Tablets are ONLY for the weekend. That much is clear.

And my daughter K, shes not high functioning. She's not super low functioning either. She talks but she's not able to talk a lot. And shes got explosive temper tantrums. And shes getting stronger and I'm not. And she knows it.

Like I said I don't have much help from Daddy a lot.

the problem comes in when I try to do workouts on my laptop then theres a problem.

You´re saying, that K is thick and chubby....would she be able to tell you, if she was being bullied at school? Chubby kids often are.
Could that be the key to her reluctance...or one of them?

No. She would be unable to do that.

It would be one thing to find out, - an important one. Have a talk with her teachers. Someone may have observed something.

temper tantrums have been normal for her forever.

Her first year of school when she was 4, she had a meltdown at least 2-3x an hour. They're daily now, not as often, but a whole lot bigger.

Stop screaming.

You're the adult in this situation.
It sucks that your husband isn't helping.
If you must yell, go yell at him.

It sounds like (from her POV) she's engaged in an activity, then suddenly you yank her away from it.
She's enjoying solitary time and good sensory input.
Of course she doesn't want to get on the bus.

Even if she isn't being bullied, the bus is probably sensory HELL.
All those voices. All those echos. All the people. Nowhere to hide - not even a wall to back up to.

Can you drive her to school?
If not, would sunglasses, earplugs, a hat, help?

You need to give her more lead time.
I'm sure your mornings are busy and that sounds impossible.
Start earlier.
Or maybe you can recruit a friend, or a neighbor, or a family member to help for a few weeks.
So you can establish a morning routine with her while they help the boys.

It may be harder for a while, but with more lead time - and better yet, a routine with routine lead time - it may likely get much easier.

You can do it. Look how strong you clearly are.

thank you. I'm gonna work on the screaming.

thank you.

she doesn't get irritated with certain sensories. But loud noises and such do make her excited and hyper.

She gets over stimulated easily.

I suppose I'll have to stick to workout DVDs for now so it doesn't bother her.

Exactly. If you know what the triggers are, you remove them. While it can be frustrating to find your own life so limited because of issues your child has, you have to remember that you are investing for the long haul, it won't last forever (the adjustments you have to make are going to continually shift), and it will be worth it. You suck it up and make the changes you have to make to have peace in your home. Long run, everyone (including you!) will benefit.

The hard part is when you can't tell what the triggers are. When you can, I think it is a no-brainer: you remove them. Even when it makes no sense at all that they are triggers; some things just "are."

My son eventually grew out of most of his issues. When you remove triggers you are giving your ASD child the space to mature and develop and confront her challenges on her own. She can't do that when her day is filled with the equivalent of someone running their nails along a chalkboard. Some people argue it isn't realistic to conform the world so much to the needs of one child; I say it isn't realistic to expect them to figure out how to cope when their world is so full of things they can't handle. And they WILL learn to cope once the triggers have been removed. Over time, you should be able to re-introduce many of them. You are INVESTING, not changing forever.

Best of luck.

What if leaving for school involved a pleasant sensory companion?

You see, I am 31. I have three [faux] furry purses and a backpack, because furry things are soothing to hold and rub my fingers over and those are... okay, not "adult", but more acceptable than carrying a stuffed animal or a fuzzy blanket on dates and to job interviews.
Also, most of my socks are fuzzy. They hug my feet, and I totally use them to help myself relax.

You daughter may also find comfort in a furry backpack/school bag that can go on the bus and to school with her (but which should not make her a target like a stuffed animal might).

If not fur, some other texture?

Also - consider picking a song she likes that you can stand to hear 4 times in a row every morning. Something happy. Tell her in advance that when she hears the song, it's time to get ready to go to school. Put the song on repeat on your phone in the room with her, and then go back after a few minutes and prompt her more firmly that the song is on, so it's time to get ready to go to school.
You'll still get resistance from her at first, almost for sure.
But, after she learns to associate the song and the impending trip to school, the song may be less shocking of an interruption than your voice (don't take that personally - it's not *you* - it's the difference between a person/interaction and a song, which is just a thing... if that makes any sense).

That one is a trick that worked very well with an ASD girl I worked with, before I knew I was on the spectrum.
She [8 years old] knew the song ["Happy"] meant it was time to leave, so when I put it on and told her it was time to leave, every time she would try to delay by dancing with me... and I would "give in" (because I'd always start it early enough that we had time to dance) and that gave her time to adjust to leaving - plus the movement seemed to help.

We went from a meltdown at that time every day to one a week, sometimes a week and a half.
Other meltdowns still happened, of course... but routine, and at least the illusion of negotiation can help with some.

my daughter's "must have" items always change

right now its a pair of sunglasses and a cookbook that she takes with her in her backpack, she sleeps with it, etc.

it always changes.

we're doing good with no laptop in the mornings. but thanx.