Struggling with diaper changes and odd new behaviour

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It is telling that your son does not notice that he's going. That really says to me that this is not an easily fixed issue. I am not sure this is something he can cognitively control himself. But perhaps his body can be tricked into working it into your schedule. Can you first start tracking exactly when he goes? Is it a time of day, or after a particular thing happens (after he eats or drinks)? Does he do it when he's hyperfocusing on play?

Maybe after you have his body's routine figured out, you could try putting him on the potty during the time he usually goes.

Just another general thought is to decrease his cognitive load. I am not sure how you would do it with a kid that young. The general idea is that if a person has a cognitive functioning problem, such as someone with autism, ADHD, generalized anxiety, or even some kind of serious physical impairment, if you decrease the tasks their mind and body are handling, the tasks left over are easier to complete.

For example, if I am trying to write a review about a boring subject, I may be unable to do this is my husband is asking me questions, if I have to pee, if I am hungry, and if I have a headache. I can increase my ability to write if I use the bathroom, eat, take a migraine pill, and relocate to a place with no questions . For a five year old, you may have to guess at what could be hard for him. He may need less noise (or more). Less visual distractions (or some really nice ones). Less smells (or different ones). A toy/less toys. A pet/no pets around. Candy/drink/restrictive diet.

With his age, you are kind of in the position of a person who has come to a new civilization (your son). It's up to you to figure out what his body is communicating about his internal states and to figure out a rudimentary communication system that will work for both of you.

I think you sound super engaged and positive about it all, so I'm sure you will succeed. This is just a strange age for many people on the spectrum. To be honest, your son may not remember much of this in the future. He could grow up and always be an odd person who needs some kind of help, but he is also just as likely to be a high level person making a lot of money and sending you on vacations around the world. One way or the other, he and you will get through this.

How can you not tell if you are peeing or pooping?

I mean, it's pretty obvious...

Recently our daughter came home from kindergarten and when asked about her day she said she pooped on the toilet there. We were very surprised since she's refusing to poop on the toilet at home and will only use diapers. I've heard of cases where kids poop for the first time at their grandparent's place because they felt more relaxed there.

Not sure if relatable to you, but it seems we've been a bit too "eager" despite our best intentions, and created unnecessary antipathy towards toilet training at home.

She still poops in diapers here and we're not sure what's going on at the kindergarten, but at least a bit of it ended up in the toilet recently while she peed so we praised her about it. She seemed ambivalent but every small step forward ...

How is your son doing otherwise? If he's high functioning, maybe he's up to some interesting stuff. It can help to refocus on all the things kids do right when parents have stressful days. I tend to be a glass half empty kind of person so I need frequent nudges to see the good things too.

This is a good point. My son is more self-sufficient at his grandparents' house. He says he is more relaxed there, but I think it is in a different way. They have different expectations and it's a different environment.

I agree, if it's an option, Yellow Rose should see if someone else has a different experience with her son on the potty. Maybe he might be more interested.

Thank you so, so much for your kind and thoughtful reply.

With my son, it really can happen anytime, anywhere. There's no specific time or place when it usually happens. It can be while we're eating, out shopping, playing in the park, watching TV, or when he's playing alone in his room. But I’d say the most common time is in the afternoon, either when he’s playing alone in his room or watching TV.

Just yesterday, for example, it happened in the afternoon while he was watching TV. I noticed him pause for a second, and I could clearly tell what he was doing, but he didn’t care at all. He just kept going, running and jumping in front of the TV like nothing had happened. I asked him what just happened, if he had pooped, but he just ignored me and stayed completely focused on what he was doing.

I’ve tried so many different approaches. Sometimes I ask gently if we should go check and see what happened, and other times I’m more direct like, "Okay, now we’re going to go change your diaper." But no matter how I do it, the reaction is always the same, he gets really upset. He goes from calm to totally hysterical in a second. A lot of the time he tries to run into his room and shut the door.

I think it’s partly that he doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing, and partly that he just doesn’t want to change his diaper. But I’ve noticed it helps a bit if we do changes as part of a routine, like before eating or before going outside. Then he seems more ready and accepting of it.

As for potty training, I honestly feel like I’ve tried everything. We’ve read books together, watched little videos, and I’ve even tried including the potty in his play. Like letting his teddy bear sit on it. But when it comes to him sitting on the potty, even with clothes on, he just won’t. I’ve tried the regular toilet too, but that’s even worse. He panics, screams, and runs away.

Besides all this with potty training and diaper changes, he’s actually a really calm kid, believe it or not. He loves routines and gets upset by sudden changes. He also likes peace and quiet. One of his biggest interests is LEGO. He loves building sets and he’s honestly really good at it. It’s his favourite thing.



That’s an interesting thought. Thinking back on what others have told me when they've taken care of him, it’s that he never tells anyone when he pees or poops, and he doesn’t seem to care or show any interest in it. It’s kind of always been that way. It’s really only in the past year or so that he’s started getting upset when I change him, and that has just gotten worse over time.