Everything Was Going So Well

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We always have long stray periods where everything is going so well. No fights in the house, P Boy seems to be doing really good now a days. No outburst, everything seems to be in a peaceful time distortion rift. And then something has to happen to break this rift. Now J-Bird is refusing to go to school. I let it slide on to begin with, but we had a big fight today to get him to go. I told him he will have this week Wed, Thurs, and Fri off of school for the holidays and he needs to go for the half days on Monday and Tuesday. I know the issue too. J-bird gets bullied quite a lot. He has no real friends, a friendship he had broke off. I remember being at his age and having my "breaking point". I remember at one time I "skipped" school because I hated it so much, I missed the bus because I spent half the time trying to get ready for school crying. My parents were never really there to "baby" me. They told me that I had to find my own solution. I'm trying the balance between helping him and letting him handle it on his own. But he refuses to do his homework [despite his repetition in his wording he's quite bright and intelligent], he refuses to go to school, and I already made a compromise with him before on never having to go on the bus again. I just sometimes don't get these odd off periods. I have aspergers myself, but we're alike and very different at the same time. I'm not the parent in this home, my father is. So I cannot send J-bird off to home school or the independent study program I went too. That's my father's decision. And my father is under the impression that a solution lies within and not without. He doesn't think a change of school will help. It helped me after I begged for it...Middle School was the single most frustrating thing of my life. I understand what J-bird is going through, but at the same time skipping school and refusing to do things isn't a solution. I realize it's a cry for help as well, but I am at a lost as how far I can help.

Any solutions on how to convince my dad?

Is my dad right?

I also had a lot of troubles in middle school and high school. I think its more a time other kids expect you to conform and they start making "camps" or "cliques" and I had a hard time finding the right camp to fit into so I was just that weird girl who talked to herself and stared all the time.
I had serious issues on the bus with a 6ft tall high school boy (I wasnt even 5ft yet) who would constantly torment and tease me including throwing huge spit balls at me. I tried to hide in my seat and would press my tape player (this was the 80s no ipods and I didnt have any earphones either) against my ear.
After I started High School it was worse because I actually had to go to school with this guy. I loved Duran Duran and you might not know who that is but they were my obsession (they still make music btw), but one day after we got off the bus the boy took my tape player and took my cassette tape out. He ripped the tape out of it and was throwing it around in the air like streamers. Everyone was laughing and he took my tape player and shoved it into my stomach enough to cause me to double over in pain and threw the tape at my feet and I remember standing there for what seemed like forever after the bell rang and everyone went inside just clutching my tape recorder and starting at my tape, that I loved, torn to bits at my feet. The worst part was I got in trouble for being late for school, I was crying but I couldnt explain what happened and I was also scared so I just got detention. I did not tell my parents either because I was afraid of this boy but I think my Mom knew what happened even if she didnt know the details and she bought me a new tape and started driving me to school as I was doing the same as your brother, refusing to go to school (this was nothing new but I think my Mom knew it was more serious).
I am definitely homeschooling my kids or hiring a tutor or program for home. Even Temple Grandin says no child with Autism belongs in a public high school.

Honestly I would recommend switching schools or homeschooling......I mean ideally it would be nice if your brother could deal with the bullying, but in reality it can be nearly impossible to deal with. I had a lot of problems with that going to school as well, and though I never really flat out refused to go to school I would claim I was sick or didn't feel good on some school days if I felt like I needed a break.....I mean being picked on on a daily basis can do a lot of psychological damage so pushing someone to keep dealing with it and just somehow ignore it won't help. Also this is unfortunate but you can't always tell the teacher and its not always handled, sometimes the teachers are in on the bullying to.

So yeah not sure how much of that you dealt with going to school, but everyones different and in my case even though I kept going to school and graduated it was hell and probably not really worth it.....I should have been going to the school my brother goes to because there they don't really have cliques or bullying so that would have been amazing. So yeah I really recommend maybe trying to find a better school with less of a bullying problem or maybe looking into homeschooling or online school is another option some people use.

sorry if there are errors......I read it wrong thought you meant your child not brother.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 22 Nov 2011, 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't know if your dad is right, it so very much depends on all the unique facts in a situation.

And ups and downs are very common. Just sorry to hear you are now on a down again.

Do you think you could do some reconnaissance? Either shadow your brother at school for a day or two (as a sibling, you are in a much better position to get away with this than a parent is) to see if you can get a good feel for what might be going on, or meet with teachers and the parents of other kids at the school to see what they can share. Or both. In order to devise the best solution, you really need to see what the problem is. If you are lucky, it is something that can be solved, even though your brother has no idea that it can be. If you aren't lucky, you may have the information you need to convince your father a change is needed.

If you are pretty sure the issue is bullying, I've read about some interesting anti-bullying workshops that could be worth a try. Don't have links; just stuff I've randomly come across.

PS - whatever happened with the dream job interview conflict you posted about once on the School Life board?

Single most creepy thing in my life that would be.

I could try to ask around. I know we had him stop riding the bus when someone threw his student ID out the window.

As to your second question, not so well it appears.

Well, when you say it like that ... hey, I was brainstorming! And sometimes desperate situations actually do call for unusual solutions ...



Yeah, that is better.



Sorry to hear it.

hahahahaa. Yeah.



I have a teacher meeting for next week.



There will be other oppurtunities.

So sorry you're on a downswing - I know how hard those can be!

FWIW, schools take the suggestion of bullying pretty seriously these days. Since you have a concrete example with the school ID, you should be able to make a case for some extra help. Does he currently have an IEP at school? If so, he should have access to the school social worker for help with those situations. Tell him you are planning to meet with the school to see what you can do, and for him to be a little bit patient with the process while you figure it out (I find this helps with my son.) See if you can outline some concrete steps both JBird and the school can take to address the situation - for instance, places he can go to feel safe, who to tell, what he should say, etc.

Second, I would suggest that the school find an afterschool program where he (I keep wanting to write your son! Stop, me!) can do his homework, hopefully with assistance - somebody suggested that here, and I think the suggestion is golden; he wants to have a "school brain" and a "home brain" and that shouldn't be too difficult to accomplish.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I have very low expectations for this school, since it was the school I once went to when I was a kid. And a lot of the time the teacher's said I could come to them for bullying and the truth it is I couldn't. They usually would believe the majority over the one kid who told the truth. Got punched in the face and was considered the liar.

But I will fight as hard as I can for J-bird.

Just had the meeting with the teacher and let me just say this I'm f*****g pissed as hell. The kid we've had problems in the past, throwing out J-birds ID, making sure J-bird cannot get into class on time by keeping the door yanked, etc. Is considered a "good kid".

Teacher, "Bully R is a good kid, we've never have had problems with him before,"

Of course not because every time someone tells you about it, his friends, and even him tell you such beautifully crafted lies.

Teacher, "I think the boys have different personalities and that's just getting in the way. I think J-bird needs to settle down."

My brother is the one at fault. J-bird, I know him. He's shy. He doesn't talk much, even in school. Public areas make him anxious and I taught him how to semi cope by taking deep breaths and focusing on other things. But somehow this teacher has the impression that J-bird has done something that allows for Bully R's behavior. It's absolutely ridiculous.

Of course I didn't tell her this, or yell at her. Because it only confirm her suspicions that J-bird is getting the wrong environment. I told you I had no faith in this school when it comes to solving problems. Always blame the one kid speaking against the bully.

You did the right thing so give yourself some good credit for taking that step. Take some time to process the conversation you just had and then consider upping the ante - appeal to the principal or whomever is next up on the food chain. Is there a counselor or someone else at the school who might be able to offer a different perspective or at least have a more open mind? From everything I've read, it sounds like some teachers have a really tough time understanding kids like J-Bird who may be a bit introverted and a little different. This really shouldn't be left up to this one teacher who apparently just doesn't get it.

I would feel compelled to ask the teacher two questions:
Does she think that destruction of J-Bird's ID and holding doors closed on him so he will be late is appropriate behavior? and
Does she think J-Bird is lying about these things?

By dismissing your concerns this teacher is really compounding the problem. First she is casuing more grief for your brother that he shouldn't have to suffer and she is teaching the bully that he can get away with this unacceptable behavior. She is doing both boys a serious injustice and she needs to be made to take notice of this fact.

Oh the counselors are there too, but they want to solve the problems the way they tried to solve them when I was there. Basically one on one sessions with the bullies, so that way they can talk about their feelings and become friends. There is one counselor who is the same counselor from when I went to that school. She's as old as the crypt keeper. She's the counselor who sent me to a mental ward. So, she thinks my whole family is trouble.

I am disturbed because my privacy was invaded and she found my journal saying I wanted to blow up the school. I was in 8th grade at the time and it was because no one was listening to me. I never actually wanted to blow up the school, but I was so angry and so frustrated that no one believed me.

Don't worry I explained all of this to J-bird so he knows someone understands where he is coming from.

P-boy also went to this school and had that counselor. P-boy was a different case with autism and bipolar disorder, he was more of a handful.

J-bird has the same counselor. And with problems beforehand with my me and the middle child. She doesn't exactly believe my family despite the fact that the truth has only been spoken.

J-bird is extremely focused on rules. In our household, lies are not tolerated. So J-bird is very very rigid when it comes to lies. He hates being lied to. He hates lying and he knows how much trouble lying can get you.

The Principal is a different principal from when I was a kid. But a few teachers and a few of the counselors are that old. Like I'm going to die and never retire. They basically will die on the job one day. This school has always had problems with "Majority" over a single person. If majority says something against me or J-bird, they believe majority rules.

I really am about to explode. I try to contain most of my anger inside, I have to be there for my siblings. But right now I'm like two seconds from exploding. I need time to decompress because I know J-bird is not a bad kid. He isn't. He's not. And he wouldn't cause a problem unless he felt no other option.

I hate seeing him sad. And mopey. Like he's exhausted all his options and now he's struggling and lost.

Did we talk about if a different school might be feasible? Sometimes a fresh start is huge.

Do take some time to take care of yourself, release that anger in a acceptable way. Keeping it all inside isn't healthy.

I want J-bird to go to the independent study school I went to. It was ten times better than this school. I um went behind my dad's back. I checked in with one of my old teachers of the school I use to go to which was ten times better, indepedent study I got to be home and be my own boss in a way. And went to see if we could set up enrolling.

My dad wants to teach us how to be adults. And wants to teach us how to handle situations and not run away. But this school is no good. I know better about this school, it nearly killed me inside being there. I won't let J-bird go through what I went through any longer. The frustration of no one being there. I want to be there.

The school I went to after being taken out of that crappy school that J-bird is in, you don't pay for it. It's like any public school and it runs more like college. With schedules of what you're taking and what day. You go once a week and it gives great time to recharge during stressful situations.

One thing adults do is recognize when something is not working, and find viable alternatives. Emphasis on the viable alternatives. That is not running away, it is smart.

It sounds to me like that is what you are trying to do.

Public school isn't like a marriage or a job, where you've made a commitment to a particular person or organization. Your commitment is, in most cases, to the concept of education, but not the particular institution. It is their job to serve the student's needs just as much as it is the student's job to do their best.

Families are consumers, and schools are service providers. Would you keep going to a grocery store if all you ever got was bad food and poor service? Of course not; you'd find one that met your needs better.

Given that J-bird's issues are relatively new, they should, in theory, be resolvable. If that can happen, great. But when you and the school are not able to work together to make that happen, that is an issue all it's own.

They aren't new. Just he's never acted this way before until now. Like he's been keeping it and trying to hold on as long as he could, but he's finally began to show frustration.