Teachers who don't "GET IT"

Post Reply New Topic

I am pretty sure my daughter who is 14 has Aspergers Syndrome. She has all of the classic symptoms. We are going next week to the doctor to discuss this. My daughter is in 8th grade and I have a problem with a teacher. When I went to pick up my daughter from school yesterday her teacher and I were having a discussion about my daughter. The teacher went on and on in front of my daughter and another girl I drive home about how my daughter has NO CONCENTRATION at all, she never asks questions, saying this stuff is easy and she does not GET why my daughter refuses to ask questions. She also told me that my daughter has no LONG TERM MEMORY, only short term memory and that is why she passes the tests. After saying, "I know you are her mother and I hate to tell you this", I almost burst in to tears. Then she preceded to tell me that all of this stuff is easy and that my daughter should understand it. She said she never notices her in the room because she is so quiet that she just looks over her. I found this extremely rude and disrespectful; especially to say in front of my daughter and friend. Does anybody else ever have to deal with this and what is the answer?? I tried to explain the situation to her and she looked at me like I was crazy. I have never left that school feeling so hopeless.

*hugs* that sounds like my experiences in school. Let me encourage you in the fact that I too had a magnificent ability to "pass the tests" in subjects that I could care less about by memorizing the material long enough to get by, than "flushing" it out of my mind afterwards. Frankly, I could care less about the subject. I would venture to guess that everyone does this, at least to an extent, when they're forced to study materials that they honestly don't want to know about. That absolutely does not mean that I have no long term memory! I think this teacher you spoke with it just an idiot who needs to learn to keep her foot out of her mouth. I'm sure that your daughter will excel in other areas of learning. I certainly did and still continue to, whereas it's difficult for me to even have a conversation about something I don't care about, let alone actually learn about it.

Thanks for the support. Do you have Aspergers? If so were you mainstreamed in school or special ed?
I'm so new to this, I have so many questions.

She should be fired. I'd file a complaint.

i was kind of the same when i was younger but noticed it can be down to the teacher not explaining right or taking time to show you.
i had a few good teachers and one that obviously knew i had AS she taught me how to be better with eye contact and compliments, ive only just realised this recently though and it has obviously helped a bit in life

Super tacky doing this in front of others. I would at minimum send the teacher an email saying that, and suggesting that next time she wants to discuss your daughter's issues she call you discreetly.

Doesn't your daughter have an IEP?

Then the simple answer is, "did you read my daughter's IEP? No? Let's have this conversation once you've educated yourself."

If there is no IEP, get one.

Then you get to demand a meeting to discuss the proper education of your daughter with the teacher.

No, she does not have an IEP. We moved her from the public school to a private school. She has a 504 which allows her extra time for tests, etc.
I am beginning to think she needs an IEP. She has been struggling to finish her work. If I don't make her sit down and do it, I don't think it would get done because she is too busy doing "other things." Her concentration and focus are off. I know that. I have always known that. I also wish the teacher would have called me to let me know there was a major problem. My daughter does not do well asking questions to teachers. I think she gets so confused, she doesn't even know what to ask.

Self-advocacy is a real issue at your daughter's age. One thing I noticed with my son is that it can be really difficult for kids to sort out the difference between being appropriately humble (my son's word), and simply failing to take charge for yourself as expected. My son is 15 and has learned that it is OK to ask teachers questions about the work and the grading, but he still won't advocate for himself if there is a part in a play he particularly wants, for example. This is very much a life skill in American culture, being assertive without being demanding, and that is a very difficult skill. That concept is probably tied in with what is going on with your daughter.

Another difficult thing for kids like my son to accept is that school (middle school, in particular) can be more about organizational skills and following instructions than it is about actual learning. They get so frustrated because they know when they know the material, and there is that grade sitting so far below the grades of kids in class that don't hold a fraction of the information and understanding. That is another area I've had to approach as a life skill, and something that will happen through out life: even when you are the boss, it is never just about your ideas, because even then you can't survive without customers. My son really needed to see the trail of how learning skills like organization, following instructions, and figuring out other people's priorities would always benefit him. Once he saw the trail, he made the decision to learn those skills. And they are HARD for someone like my son. He'll never like it, he'll never be great at it, but he's learned enough to get by. But he had to want to do that.

It is unfortunate that your daughter still needs you to monitor her schedule, but I would keep doing it. Both my AS son and NT daughter have had developmental delays with things like that, and by helping them you are easing the developmental gap. No one can what they aren't developmentally ready to do, and you don't want them frustrated and giving up in that gap. Things eventually change. They always do. I have no regrets at all about the times I was a bridge; my kids did not become dependent on it.

Can you get an IEP at the private school?

Sure! Oh, I'm fairly certain that I have Aspergers, I forgot to mention that detail. I was mainstreamed, and I managed to slip through the cracks and ended up in all normal classes. My teachers did notice some behavioral issues, but they were mostly ignored because my parents weren't interested in what was being said to them. I don't mind the questions, especially if it helps someone out

In addition to what was already said, I was wondering about the teacher's complaint about your child not asking questions and fading into the background. Does she has issues with participation grade stuff, or is this solely about asking questions about expectations/assignments etc.?

I can see where many Aspies would have a great deal of trouble with that. We have not hit that age yet where it is really important, but even so, last year's teacher would get annoyed with my son for saying "I don't know" to questions and I had to get into the fact that it may mean he does not know, or it may mean he doesn't feel comfortable or able to communicate an answer. I don't think she really got that, and just assumed he did not know the answer most of the time.

If the issues also involve participation grades, I would try to get something about that integrated into an IEP or at least the 504. I do not know how much slack they will allow, but at the very least they need to help her acquire the skill to participate in classroom discussions.

I think the teacher is a jerk.

The teacher said that my daughter does not ask questions at all. Her words were "really, how hard is it to ask questions?" My daughter does have a hard time asking questions in a large group setting and I'm not sure she even knows the questions to ask. They had gone on a field trip and had to buddy up with a partner to take water samples and test them. The teacher said my daughter did not participate at all and the other boy did all of the work and it was just not fair. I understand where she is coming from but I also know that my daughter is not doing this out of malice. She honestly has a hard time with other kids because she does not know what to say. I emailed the principal of the school and told her we need to set up an appointment to talk. My daughter also has a doctor appointment on Thursday with her primary care physician where I will address all of these issues. I don't know if the private school can accomodate an IEP or not. All I do know is that I need to place my daughter is a school that will accomodate to her needs because right now she is miserable.

I have been in the position of your daughter all through school, I really hated it.

I know nothing about 504, because we went right to IEP. I am not sure how this can be handled within the framework of 504, without asking for an eval for an IEP, so keep that in mind. What do they have as the reason for 504 qualification? This might help someone familiar with 504s to help you. You may need to get an eval for AS and get an IEP.

Depending on what her educational diagnosis is now, hopefully you can explain (in writing, to your school diagnostician -- but nicely at first) that for someone with communication problems, asking questions is a big flipping deal. I would explicitly ask the school for help with this, as communication skills are part of an AS (or other spectrum) diagnosis. The teacher has noted herself that she has issues communicating in class and it is impeding her education. This may help you if she does not flip flop.

Also, for those on the spectrum, group projects are horrible things. We usually either insist on taking over because we do not trust anyone to do the work, and feel our way is the only right way, or we hang back because we cannot navigate the social components of working in a group (or a paired) situation. That may be something they can modify or help her with as well.

How is your rapport with the principal? If it is pretty good you might be able to go directly to him or her for help before dealing with the diagnostician.

My daughter was dx at age 12. All out of our pocket, because I didn't like the messages that her teachers were giving her (similar to yours, and suggesting she wasn't trying hard enough). A couple of good teachers had noticed there was actually some kind of issue and did a quick assessment, which prompted us to go to the next stage. I am still not satisfied with what the school is doing to help her academically (I had said that we would work on the social skills, because I really didn't think the classroom would be a good place for that) but at least when someone says or does something inappropriate I can point to her file and tell them she is not lazy, unmotivated, inattentive, etc.
I'd really encourage you to have a full assessment done if this is starting to cause problems at school. Things will be much easier, believe me!
J.

This sounds so much like me in school (I have asperger and add). Do you know why your daughter won't ask questions or participate? Is it because she's shy/nervous or because she doesn't realize she's expected to participate? I'd suggest you'd talk (kindly) with your daughter and find out what the problem is. And then explain to the teacher, while also explaining that the teacher's behavior was unacceptable.

It is because she is shy/nervous. I have talked to her many times about speaking up when she needs help. For some reason, she just can't seem to do it. It is very frustrating. I keep telling her to keep trying and never give up. Even if the question is wrong, the teacher will be glad you asked. (I HOPE!!.)