Stood Up To A Bully

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Thanks to the people who responded to me in Parents On The Spectrum, I managed to have the courage to pick up the telephone. (!) Though my voice shook, I told the principal what my son's teacher said, and he listened. Maybe it will help stop this evil [you know what] from humiliating other children. Thank you again for giving me the boost I needed! I am crying now, but proud of myself.
I am glad he told me of this incident, and that he is strong enough to deal with grown ups who attack him instead of help.

Here is what I said to the principal:


This is simply to report a bullying and humiliating type comment made to my son by Mrs "G", 6th grade English teacher. Keep in mind my son had a 3.9 % - almost all A grades, until now.

My son had a bad case of the flu, missed quite a bit of class as well as assignments. He was having trouble but was willing to work on things - turn in late but done work - until his teacher said this:
"Most normal students would turn these in. I don't know why you decided not to he normal."

My son has a serious speech impediment, in that he stutters, and Mrs "G" is aware of how humiliating a comment like this can be to a person.
Shame and pity on her for representing her profession and indeed her self in this manner.

Do you think I stated it well? I hope no more students are victimized in this way.

Last edited by alpineglow on 06 Mar 2013, 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah you stated it well, now I'd just hope the school takes proper action towards that teacher and it doesn't just turn into that teacher singling him out more. So yeah while I think you did the right thing, it is probably a good idea to still more or less monitor the situation, make sure your son knows to let you know about any other incidents in case you may have to take further action.

I personally think the correct action on the schools part is to fire that teacher and push for her teaching license getting revoked. I had teachers like that growing up and they piss me the hell off, just want to rip their faces off honestly to get rid of that stupid little smirk they have when knowingly singling out a student like that. It just disgusts me a teacher would even think it would be ok in any sense to single a kid out due to their differences or disability.

Glad to hear you think I said it o.k., thanks. I am the same way in my feelings in that if I was to actually confront her I don't think I'd be able to physically restrain myself. When I was a youngster I was in trouble for not controlling myself, but now I know which situations to absolutely stay away from. Pretty much the same what you said - I might do anything to get that evil smirk Gone.

Good for you for calling the principal! My mom never stood up for me when I was in school. She was always just like, I know it isn't fair and it's awful, but there's nothing we can do to change it, so you just have to get through it. Which is really an awful lesson to be teaching a kid in an abusive situation, so good for you, and keep on them. They do NOT have the right to treat your kid that way.

You stated it well. I'm just doubtful the school will deal with this teacher as harshly as they certainly should. For one thing, she ought to be forced to apologise to your son, in front of every single person she made the original comment in front of, and to admit she was bigoted, arrogant, unfeeling....

I was bullied by teachers - including, after I was diagnosed as legally blind, the teacher who said, when I told her I couldn't see what she'd written on the board "What, are you blind?" And there was the teacher the year before (when I was not yet registered as blind - but everyone could see I had vision problems) who chose to accuse me of lying when I said I couldn't see the book at a "normal" distance and tried to force me to hold it at arm's length and read. In front of the class. So I can feel the impact of what your son just suffered in my gut. (Since I grew up undiagnosed, in the 1960s, it seems a little less fair to 'call out' those who made comments they may not have comprehended the full impact of. But there were a lot of other incidents.) As far as I'm concerned, a comment such as your son endured really ought to be a criminal matter. Feel free to print this comment out and show it to the principal. Because what that teacher did was child abuse, plain and simple. Emotional abuse, not physical, assuming she didn't touch him, but child abuse nevertheless. Heck, if I could testify without being forced to travel, I'd gladly testify in any trial just how unbearably painful such an incident can be. I can remember incidents like those much more vividly than the times I was punched and kicked... And the bruises have all healed, but those wounds are still sore decades later.

The more I think about this, the more I think you should print out this comment, to at least attempt to drive home to the school administration just how serious this incident was. Even if you chose to go to the press (I'm sure your son might not want that - but I did actually learn to use publicity as a useful defensive weapon, so I at least mention the possibility) feel free to quote this post. As the owner of copyright in these words, I grant you - or anyone else battling bullying - permission to use them freely.

The support you've shown me helps a lot. thank you. Now I am crying for all the hurt I can sense in your post theWanderer. I am the same age as you and understand what it was like in schools way back then. I hope me posting this hasn't set bad memories in motion
I sure as h--- wish some one could help stop these kind of people. The phone call was extremely hard for me. I just don't deal with, no, correction, I don't know how to deal with this big of a thing. It was only because of what my son (said we need to stand up to her to stop her from hurting other kids) and the folks in the Parents forum that I had any courage at all.
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I think it was a good phone call. I like that you allowed for the possibility the teacher just doesn't know how hurtful it comes across.

When my son was in 7th grade I got reports from another mom that her daughter thought one of the teachers was really mean to my son. When I asked him about it he was a bit oblivious, but I had it pretty well outlined from the other child in class, so I wrote the teacher an email and emphasized how she may not perceive, herself, how she comes across.

She thanked me for talking to her and met privately with my son the next day to resolve it. The change was immediate.

She had my daughter in her class a few years later and she is now one of my favorite teachers.

Sometimes people just don't know how things they say or do affect other people, and I'd like to think that teachers are usually willing to change, because why teach if you don't care about the well being of the students?

The school needed the information you provided. It will help them do their jobs better.

You and your son are both doing your best to stop this. That's all you can do. The real responsibility lies with those who act this way to begin with. (And while there may be some things a teacher can say which aren't obvious to them, there are others which are malicious. Not all teachers care about their students - and this teacher clearly falls into that camp.) I appreciate what you did, just as I'm appalled by the teacher's comment.

theWanderer, I understand that was done to you was far, far out of line and emotionally painful. But looking at what has been described here by the OP, and without knowing the full history between this teacher and the child, I can't say the incident at issue rises to the level of being anywhere near criminal or even worthy of firing. People say stupid things all the time; it is what people do. Once it is pointed out to them, they apologize and move on. It takes a whole pattern and a certain level of intent before it is considered abuse. I realize that for some kids unintended abuse can have the same effect as abuse, but you can't hold someone extra accountable for a mistake just because it happened with someone abnormally affected by it. They have no way to know.

My AS son says things that hurt other people's feelings ALL THE TIME. We are trying to teach him not to, but holding back his in-the-moment thoughts does not come naturally to him at all. To him, the truth as he first sees it must be the pure truth and if it is the pure truth then it can be voiced. We expect the world to forgive him for that because he has a diagnosis, but it isn't as if NT's are immune to that same construction in any given moment; they are not. NTs mess up, too, and you can't remove every NT that messes up from his job just because it hurt someone's feelings. You have to try to moderate the behavior and teach.

I repeat that alpineglow absolutely did the right thing informing the school of the issue, and I applaud her courage in doing so, especially because, as she has written, this was really hard for her. But the teacher deserves the opportunity to earn forgiveness, same as I would ask for myself or my child if we hurt someone with an insensitive comment in the heat of a moment, and I am bothered by posts that suggest otherwise.

You should be very proud of yourself. That was a selfless act of courage on behalf of your child. Even if the teacher doesn't stop, your son will always know that you are in his corner. I don't think there is a way to put a value on how important that is.

If everyone failed to take action for the assumption that their action would have no impact, how would anything ever change? It is much easier to say "why bother" than it is to stand up for what you know is right.

DW_a_mom, first of all, I was referring to this part of the post:

" "Most normal students would turn these in. I don't know why you decided not to he normal."

My son has a serious speech impediment, in that he stutters, and Mrs "G" is aware of how humiliating a comment like this can be to a person. " emphasis mine

Now, you certainly have a right to a differing opinion, but my take on that was that this was more than a thoughtless comment. Despite my experiences, I don't think every teacher is unfit, only some of them. In eighth grade, one teacher lost his cool to the degree that he hit my desk (not me directly), and, since it was one of those one piece affairs, and he hit it harder than he thought he was, it flipped up and dumped me on the floor. I can't say I enjoyed that experience at all, but even stunned and in pain, I never thought he was a bad guy. I was being annoying, he was having a bad day, and he lost it. Of course, I could have been badly hurt, but to this day, I don't think what he did was anything more than a moment's lapse in judgment. And I've run into him since then (a long time ago) and was glad to see him.

So, first of all, we seem to read the details in this post differently. That doesn't make either of us automatically right or wrong. Second, forgiveness does not automatically mean trusting the person, or considering them fit to perform a particular function. An alcoholic may not be able to help themselves, but if they kill someone else while driving drunk, forgiveness does not suggest they should be allowed back out on the road to endanger anyone else. Likewise, children are forced to attend school. They are trapped there, at the mercy of their teachers. If I believe a teacher has shown they are unfit, I do not believe it is fair or just to the pupils who have to live under their authority to allow them to remain in that position for even a single day longer. Now, again, you may not agree with me, but that isn't a knee jerk reaction or something I haven't thought about. Those in positions of power need to be held to higher standards, in order to protect those under their power.

You mentioned that you'd ask for the same treatment for this teacher you'd expect for yourself and your son - yet the situation is not the same. Neither you nor your son are accepting payment to exercise authority over those who have no choice in being there. If you or your son hurt someone, no law forces them to come back, day after day, and be subject to your authority. By agreeing to accept payment and exercise authority in such a situation, the teacher assumes extra responsibility. (For that matter, if I was paying someone to do something for me, my expectations would be very different from when someone just does something on their own. I was annoyed when the man who was paid to plow the end of my driveway left a mess I had to clear up - while I was overjoyed on another occasion when someone stopped by and cleared the worst of the heavy snow, the stuff the town plows left on the edge of the road, without asking for anything in return. They didn't move as much snow that time, but they weren't being paid to, either, so the situations were completely different.)

I did not suggest that every teacher who says something a pupil finds hurtful should be fired - nor do I believe that. I also never suggested every teacher who offends a student should face criminal charges - and, again, I don't believe that. While you certainly are entitled to your different interpretation of what was stated in the original post, that is not the way I interpreted it, and it was my reading of that post, about that specific situation, which prompted me to say what I did. That teacher, and any involved in a similar incident in which it seems they did know the impact their statements would have, should be treated differently from those who merely spoke a bit carelessly. You may still disagree with that position, but I'm afraid if you do, we'll just have to agree to disagree.

All I want is to make sure all angles are considered, and I felt the posts were going very heavy in a particular direction that I wasn't convinced, from the limited information available, necessarily applied. Neither of us can take the few words we have and be sure we are right; a lot more context has to be considered. I just didn't want the thread to overly lead the OP in a single direction because it could turn out that wasn't fair.

I think the nuances discussed in your last post are a good example of how to try to carefully weigh it.

I always assume good intentions until I'm proven wrong. That approach serves me well. But that is me.

Next time be a little more objective. Avoid using labels such as "bullying" and "humiliating" - or - say something along the lines of, "My son said he felt humiliated by his teacher's comments." When communicating, you want to use facts and not opinions, unless of course, you state it as opinion, ie: "It's in my opinion that Mrs. G's behaviour was highly inappropriate."

Also, (and maybe you did) I would request a follow-up. It shows you mean business. What is the principal plannin go doing about the problem? Did Mrs. G apologize? Did she apologize to you? Anthing? If there's no follow-up, there may not have been a follow through.

Just wanted to say here, that I was digesting the situation as I call it, for several days before calling the principle. I myelf have a bad track record with relating to people, and I wanted to take into consideration the possibility that she simply goofed. But. She is known to repeatedly verbally attack students and has had many complaints from other parents over the decades of her teaching.
I was frank with the principle because it is a well known fact at the school that this teacher is mean, and is shunned by all the students and all the faculty. She had done other mean things to my son and I had not confronted her. She would not allow him in the play at all, not even for a part with no talking: she put him in charge of the lights, and then at the end of the play, had all the students who worked on the play give a bow except my son. Things like that have been tolerated, and we repeatedly "turned the other cheek". Again, because I can imagine how very hard it is to be a teacher. But this last incident was so blatant and willfully hurtful, that I felt no matter if I threw up after the phone call that I had to do it.
Also, I can't emphasise enough how helpful it is to be able to discuss these sorts of painful things with you (all). I am a single parent with no friends and no family support. It ges very dark sometimes. I like to hear all sides of the issue, and I would not have posted if I wasn't ready to put it all out here..
So, thanks.

I find it sad that you need to deal with a situation this difficult. Given the expanded information, the school system should have taken action against this teacher long ago. (Yes, I know why they haven't. They fear legal action and the teacher's union - which were the same reasons I was exposed to blatantly unfit teachers.) But this is not even your responsibility. (I am not suggesting you did wrong - far from it.) It is manifestly unjust to permit a system where students are forced to participate, then expose them to known malevolent influences. (This was about what I was imagining before you gave the backstory, by the way.)

Why should you or your son have to suffer because the system is so badly run that a teacher like this can continue to make helpless, vulnerable kids miserable? Why should anyone have to suffer at her hands? You've done the best you could - and more than you should have needed to do - but society as a whole is really failing as long as things like this are permitted to continue. And, although not nearly every teacher is this bad, there are far more of them out there than most people are comfortable confronting.

I think that's one reason this goes on, over and over again. It's too unpleasant to think of all that helpless kids are suffering in a system we force them into, and we don't know how to fix it, so we minimise the problem and pretend it isn't that common. In my own experience, I ran into six teachers during my school years I would characterise as malicious, and from anything I've seen since, although that might be a bit higher than average, I'm sure almost every kid runs into at least one or two. Now, to be fair, I also ran into at least ten teachers I can honestly say I believe were excellent - but the system they worked for drove several of those teachers to quit. I ran into one of the best teachers I ever had after graduation - he had come into my class one day and warned us, before we heard about it, that the night before he'd attended the school committee meeting and told them everything he felt was wrong with the system, then announced that before they could fire him, he quit. (His concerns weren't that different from the teacher whose video resignation went viral last year.) At the time I ran into him, he was working as a prison guard - in one of the worst maximum security prisons in the state. And he told me he preferred that - not because of the students, but because of dealing with the administration. With the exception of one first year teacher who was so incompetent he had no chance of lasting (they even had to obtain a waiver to hire him in the first place), every one of the malicious teachers remained in the system until they retired. In other words, the system we have tends to drive out many of the best teachers and retain the worst.

(Just to be clear, I am not confusing a good teacher with one I liked. There were teachers I liked who were incompetent. One of my favourite teachers of all time - the one who later became a prison guard - was also the toughest teacher I ever had. He made me work harder than I did in all my other classes put together - and he wasn't even making a special effort to challenge me, that was just the way he was. But he also taught me a lot, and even at the time, I appreciated that. He was intelligent, kind, decent, fair. But most kids hated him. Perhaps I would have myself, if he hadn't been teaching a subject I was passionate about. English, if anyone is wondering. Specifically, satire in literature. And one of the teachers I counted among the ten or more great teachers I had was one I didn't like at all - well, she was never mean, but she made me work too hard. Since she taught math. But in spite of that, she was a good teacher. I did learn a lot in her class, and she deserves credit for it even if I do hate math... )

All good, logical thoughts imho, and appreciate the analysis. So no surprise that no one called me back from the school or district office. I am still glad I did it. At least a 'drop in the bucket' is better than nothing.
Here is the quote which I was going to hand to her if we had ended up meeting about this.

Tis safer to be that which we destroy
Than by destruction dwell in doubtful joy.
William Shakespeare, Macbeth (1605), Act III, scene 2, line 9.