How do you stay positive about your child's future?

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I've been reading the forums on WP, and what people say about their adult lives renders me depressed and so uncertain about my 3 old son's future. I mean we as parents need to support our children no matter what, but with AS things are different and difficult, and some things cannot be changed no matter how hard you try. What makes you positive and not so depressed when you think of your children's future?

I focus on the awesome things my son does and how far we have come. Positive thinking is not exactly a first instinct for me, so I know it can be hard.

There is a lot more help available now, than when a lot of the adults on this board were kids. When I was young I had no idea what was "wrong" with me, but I knew I was not like others. I got good grades and no one cared about my social problems.

Now there is recognition and assistance. I do not know how much of a difference it will make in the end,; but even with NT kids you never know what will happen, right? I think getting parental validation and support is really important, too. This way when the world is scary, your kid will at least know you have his/her back.

I think early recognition will make a huge difference in the lives of kids with ASD. Make use of the available resources.

Nothing is ever perfect. I think when people get over trying to modify the behaviour of people with ASD, they will realize that we do have ways of communicating - they are just a lot quieter. Most of the problems I have now are not because of autism, but because of the co-morbids that developed from inadequate resources to deal with sensory processing and social issues.

Things are better these days, I think.

Honestly?? I don't stay positive.

Some days I figure he will have about the same life I did. Those are the positive days-- into every life a little rain must fall. I have my problems but everyone does. Getting stuffed in garbage cans and shoved down the stairs and told you deserve it passes. Life goes on. There are many and much worse ways to live than the life I have right now.

Realistically?? He probably can't look forward to that. When I had social and emotional problems, it was always "She's so smart! She'll figure it out/go to college/fix it eventually/generally be OK." AS/HFA hadn't hit the DSM yet-- I was 17 when that one debuted-- and there was nothing wrong with me that some good living wouldn't fix.

He can look forward to being labelled, told what kind of life he can and can't have, given an IEP with the goal of neurotypicalizing him. He can look forward to being branded and feared (thank you very much, Adam f**ktard Lanza) and considered irrelevant. At best-- hey, he's male. He can look forward to a gold-digging wife that will put up with him for a while, frustrate him into smacking her, and then scream abuse, take the kids, and stick him with enough alimony that he'll be living with us forever.

Some days, I try to mock and badger and belittle him into acting more normal. Often, I tell him that he must never look at girls, that he is ret*d and ret*d people aren't allowed to get married or have kids. On the really, really dark days, I'm tempted to start feeding him Risperdal now-- it won't solve his problems, but it will get rid of his personality and his dangerous love of life.

When I think about poisoning him, or drowning him, or smothering him with his pillow??? I smoke half a dozen cigarettes and rock in a corner until someone calls me back.

By the way-- He doesn't have a diagnosis yet. I can't get anyone to agree that he needs an assessment. They all think I'm hypervigilant. It's that mild.

None of them knew me as a child.

Well, for one thing, I think it helps to remember that oftentimes, people come to boards like this when they are having difficult times. So what you are reading here is probably skewed--at least to some degree--to the more negative side of things. If things are going smoothly, no one has reason to search out an internet forum to ask questions. I, myself, find myself here much less when things are going well (though I am trying to come here even when things are going well to help others who might need an ear or a shoulder.)

I have read blogs by people with autism that are nothing short of inspiring. And books.

At 7, my daughter looks nothing at all like she did at 3. At 3 she was getting 20 hours of services every week. She was so far behind her peers. At 7 she is fully mainstreamed without an aid, and her only support service is 1 social skills group a week, and 1:1 work with the school psychologist as needed when issues come up at school. This no longer even happens on a weekly basis. Even the difference between 1st and 2nd grade is huge. In 1st grade, she was clearly on "the fringe" of the kids. But this year she actually has a consistent group of friends. Sure there are bumps along the way, often caused by her social skills, but it is more than I ever dreamed of when she was 3.

I think that what helps me best now is to not think too far into the future. I have no idea what it will hold. I just focus on getting both of my kids past whatever is the next hurdle. That seems a lot more doable than focusing on some distant future that I can't possibly see right now.

This is concerning to me (to say the least). I hope you are exaggerating to make a point. But I'm not sure it is a point that needs to be made on a thread where someone is looking for a way to keep themselves focused on the positive.

I've taken risperdal and it didn't get rid of my personality. If anything I was better able to express myself. And I was able to concentrate on my interests better.

I hope you are being ironic . . . what you are saying is discriminatory and abusive. If you really think you might hurt him you should talk to your doctor.

You're right. It doesn't.

I don't have any suggestions on staying positive. I'm all out of positive.

I hope I'm wrong. Good luck out there.

For my DS7, I can see that although he has delays in things like learning to play with other children and learning self control, he does eventually learn those skills. I fully believe he will become an independent adult who can hold down a job and have a family -- it just may be that he needs to live at home until say 25 instead of 18.

i was diagnosed with HFA as a child. i now have been married 15 yrs and have 2 beautiful children. i have a college degree. i worked and lived independently for many years before i met my husband and got married. overall, my life is very good. there have been rocky parts but i came through just fine. no one seeing me as a child would guess that i would end up this well.

as a child, i would go through times where i was completely mute. i had meltdowns all the time due to sensory issues. any kind of change would cause a meltdown. my parents were at my school. i had few friends and socializing caused panic attacks. having to go into a store by myself would cause a complete meltdown even when i was a teenager. i had services for about a year when i was 6 yrs old but nothing after that. my parents decided that having a dx was a bad thing. it was difficult to be independent initially and my mom helped support me til i could get on my feet. as an adult i was in therapy quite a bit.

however, i came through all of this just fine. i can socialize when i need to. my kids are very social so i've developed ways to cope with all the noise and sensory issues that come with having a house full of kids most days. my husband and i divide up the everyday stuff. he does the grocery shopping because stores are still really difficult for me (though i did all my shopping before i met him). i do all the cooking because he doesn't have the patience for it. he takes care of all the phone calls to service or repair people. i keep the home very well organized. with maturity, it's easier to handle my "quirks". it just took me longer than average to mature.

i guess i'm just saying that i looked like a hopeless mess when i was younger but i've come through it to be a happy productive member of society.

Thank you for sharing your story, Spinningpixie. I think it helps all of us to hear stories like yours.

I agree with this - and I think it is much more global than this kind of board: we tend only to hear about the difficulties of autism because people who have overcome their difficulties typically aren't out there seeking help.

BuyerBeware - I am so sorry you are in such a dark place. You deserve help, and I hope you find it. You sound to me like you haven't had a break or time to yourself in a significant amount of time, (been there) and that can make it seriously difficult to see anything but the negatives. I know I thought similarly when DS was five, nobody believed me, and I was doing it mostly on my own because DH had started a new job and training took up all his time and energy.

We recently had a very serious situation at my son's school resolve itself with a lot of understanding from kids who really didn't need to be understanding. Everyone pitched in: the school was on top of it, I worked on it with DS at home, his friends helped, the other kids helped. It looked really, really bad - catastrophic - when it happened (I'm not writing about it specifically because I am trying to protect DS's privacy, but suffice it to say he said something with an innocent intention that had serious social ramifications he hadn't predicted.) I am so grateful that we live in this community where differences are understood and respected.

If the same situation had happened to me as a child...well, it did. I know I alienated pretty much everyone in middle school without knowing exactly why. Nobody helped me. Nobody tried to understand. So I can see where many of the autistic adults on this forum are still climbing out of the hole of ignorance and intolerance that existed before the diagnosis of autism included the "higher-functioning" side of things.

I agree with the others that have posted, the outcome can be good. I had so much going against me in my life, but I turned out alright.

Momsparky-- it is definitely the case you described, being one of the adults that went undiagnosed, I can see how different things must be today.


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One thing that stands out the most for having a successful life is having at least one other person to truly and fully support you, and of course-- love you. I wish for everyone of us to find a bit of love and all the parents that come here to help their children, show their love everyday--which is so wonderful.

Yeah-- Dark place.

Dunno about help. Society isn't changing-- or it's changing for the worse if it is-- and I'm out of energy to fight or ignore.

Look-- Provided they can learn to pass for normal, your kids really obviously do have a perfectly bright future. It might take longer, but that shouldn't be the end of the world. People act like it is-- you should have seen the brick that was s**t over DS5 possibly repeating kindergarten because he cries too much and too easily-- but it shouldn't be.

Kids leaving home and becoming independent at 18 is a modern thing. Even 100 years ago, the majority of them stayed home until they got married. My grandmother was 28 when she moved out of her parents' house and into her husband's.

They are not going to be OK on society's timetable. They may or may not be OK on society's terms. Society may never be OK with them. But your kids will, chances are, be OK.

I'm OK. I've managed to build a lovely little life for myself. I'm just bitter and angry and tired of being under constant assault for the fact that I am not a round peg and my kids aren't round pegs either.

providing a loving framily, loving him unconditionally, helping him in every area and focusing on the positives, the accheivements is how I try to remain positive.

Not every day is roses for any of us, it can be much harder for our ASD kids and for us. BUt I try to always look on the bright side.