When parents die

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how did you react to your parents death?

I had a abusive childhood. So when my dad died, i was told by my brother that he died and wont be coming back
he had a heart attack.

I was thrilled, i was smiling i remember my brother saying what i was smiling for

I really dont know....i just felt relieved all that beatings, abuses and house arrest would be over now.
i didnt shed a single tear. Infact i felt so light and at peace. As if i was released from deep dark hole.

I guess when my mom dies the reaction would be same.
Since she was narcissistic and manipulative
She wasnt as bad as my father but yet there was no bonding with her
and no connection.
I dont know how i would react to her death.

Is this a aspie sign?

I had some attachment issues with my parents. My father was emotionally abusive and my mother had good points and bad points. When my father died, I felt pretty much nothing. When my mother died, deep down I was upset but consciously denied it. On a business call with someone I had worked with for many years she said "Are you OK? You sound like something is wrong." That was a day or two after my mother had died. So, it must have been enough to make me sound different than I ever had before.

When my father died several years ago I didn't shed a tear or go to the funeral. He was very abusive, was drunk all the time, never held a job, and just skimmed off others.

When my mother died a couple of months ago I didn't shed a tear or go to her funeral either. If I was to guess at her psychological issues I'd say she was narcissistic. Anyway, I wasn't close to either of them and actually did my best to get as far away from them as possible. Sad but true.

My parents died twenty years ago.

My mother was my best friend and I had been devastated more while waiting for her to die, watching her suffer and knowing there was no hope. After she died I didn't cry, but I had cried every day for over a year before that. I'm still sad over it, but I don't think it about it much. I get very depressed every year around the time she died.

My father died of a heart attack the same year, before my mother died. I felt bad in a way, but we were always at odds. He had a bad temper and was emotionally abusive and manipulating. I only recognized really this year, after all this time, that he was very probably aspie also and a lot of the problems were caused by his anxiety and need to be alone and not getting enough alone time, as well as his OCD behavior and needing to control his environment. It helps to understand that, but I didn't really feel anything when I died and I still don't.

I don't think it's an aspie sign if you smile when an abusive parent passes on. I think that's probably very typical.

If you're parents are kind to you, you mourn their loss. If your parents are not kind to you, you feel little to nothing.

I lost my parents a couple of years ago, and I mourn over them EVERY DAY. They were great parents. However, my husband lost his father this year. His father was somewhat emotionally abusive, and had been an alcoholic when my husband was young but sobered up later in life (interesting trend of alcoholism in the fathers on this thread), and when he died, my husband did not mourn at all. It was a relief.

Both my parents were deeply wounded.

They caused me to suffer enormously.

For years I was held captive by the hurt they caused.

But many things changed.

I grieved deeply, so deep I thought I would die.

Slowly I was able to forgive them, and in so doing, I felt like I got my humanity
back. My mum died recently.......i miss her,
but feel great peace.

This is so similar to my story
I had to be side of my fathers body since i was living in the same house
otherwise i wont be part of cremation ceremony for sure.
About my mother when she dies i will attend the ceremony
but i dont think i will cry since i was barely attached to her and she wasnt good with me.

Summing it up i conclude that if the parents are abusive the child will not bond with them neither feel any connection.
But a deep emotional hole will be present in the child
And the child will try to fill the hole with all possible things until they find peace.

I remember when my dog died i cried for weeks, was inconsolable for months
I was in my coaching class and started crying, my teacher was trying to console me.
But when my father died the joy was inexplainable i was ready to join office next day
But my boss asked me to take a weeks leave, i rejoined and he tried to console me
and i didnt need any consolation i was bursting with happiness infact he remarked
that i called up his office myself to inform that my father died that surprised him.

Its not any psychological illness to reject sadistic people like them.
Infact we are one who are doing the appropriate thing

My mother died from cancer. I was her caregiver, and we knew her time was approaching, but it was still a shock when I woke up that morning and found out she'd died in her sleep. She and I had spent a great deal of time together during the last part of her illness, and I felt hollowed out by the loss.

My Dad died from breathing problems he contracted after being a life-long smoker. After he died, I felt sadness but mostly relief that I no longer had to deal with how needy he became during Mom's illness and especially after she died. He was a manipulative person and I was very happy all of that drama had ended.

At times I still miss them and I feel sad. At other times I feel angry because they both favored my brothers and sisters, yet would manipulate all of us, right up until their deaths. It's nicer to be myself and not need to wear the mask I always wore around them.

My mother died from cancer when I was 11. I remember crying for a long, long time the day she died. I never told anyone, ever, that what I was crying about wasn't that she was gone, but that they'd all lied to me saying "She's going to get better, she's going to get better," and even though I could see that she was getting worse and worse and worse, I actually believed them. It wasn't grief. It was betrayal. Guess that makes me selfish and bad. Don't care.

I did grieve her, in bits and pieces-- wondering what she would say about this, think about that, make of some other thing. My oldest daughter looks a lot like her; Mom never thought much of herself. I know she would see her granddaughter as beautiful; I wonder if she would see herself in the child and finally know herself for beautiful.

I wonder what she would have made of everything-- just everything. But usually I can figure it out. She's in my heart. Other than the sense of everyone having betrayed me (I understand why-- they couldn't face it; it's pretty hard to tell a kid what you can't tell yourself), though, it wasn't earth-shattering. Life just, you know, went on.

My father died in 2010. I was 32. I had a spouse and three kids and a whole big life of my own. It really shouldn't have been devastating-- people think it should be devastating for an 11-year-old girl to lose her mother. We were close, incredibly close, the kind of close a lot of parents don't even dare to wish and hope and pray they'll have with their adult kids, but I wasn't "Daddy's little girl." He didn't always take my side, he wasn't helping to support us, I didn't ask him for things. I left home at 18 and never moved back. Dreaded the thought of having to move back.

It should not be devastating for a 32-year-old woman to lose her father.

It was as devastating as waking up one morning to find that gravity had been cancelled, or the planet had stopped orbiting, or the seas had turned to blood, or whatever. It was the end of my world.

NOBODY GETS IT. I understand that's because it's inappropriate and unacceptable, but that's still how it is.

It was sudden and the circumstances were bad, bad, bad. I understand that that's my fault, or at least that that's the party line. The bad circumstances were entirely my fault. It could have been different if I'd been willing to look at my husband and say, "I don't care how you feel; I'm going home." If I had been willing to be selfish and idiosyncratic and uncaring and all that stuff they say Aspies are, it could have been different. Less bad. My fault. My choice. No matter what anyone said, no matter what anyone did, my choice, my fault.

Even though I know that, I live every day with intractable poison HATEHATEHATEHATE for the people that drove that choice, basically told me that choice was the only valid one I could make, outright told me they would destroy my marriage and take my children if I made any other choice (yes, honey, I'm talking about your parents). I hate them forever. I pray for forgiveness. I search for forgiveness. I make every effort to be loving and charitable. I hope they don't know that I hate them. There is no forgiveness in my heart. I have felt this hate before; the closest to forgiveness I will ever be able to come is feeling vindicated or karmically revenged.

That's a sin. I know that. I want to stop it but don't know how. If grace doesn't work the way I think it does-- if being truly sorry isn't enough-- I'll burn in Hell if there is one. I accept that. Part of me is already there.

I grieve every day for myself, missing him. I grieve every day for what happened to my stepmom because he died and I couldn't take care of her and the kids alone. I grieve every day for what his mother has lost in the only child that really listened to her. I grieve for what the world has lost in an adult Aspie who never knew there was anything "wrong" with him. Most of all, I grieve for what my kids missed out on losing their Pap, and what he missed out on not getting to be here with them.

If [God] offered me the chance to trade places with him, I wouldn't hesitate. All I'd ask is time to kiss my kids goodbye, time to have a cup of coffee with him before I went, and a moment to see the looks on the kids' and my stepmom's faces when they saw him come back again. I could rest in peace with that.

Yes, and if his death helps you find closure and peace you shouldn't feel guilty.

But a bond is created between abusive parents and their child, it's just not a healthy one. The victim will continue craving and seeking the love and approval of the abusive parent way into adulthood, exposing themselves to more and more abuse. If they don't reconsider the whole relationship and try to understand what has actually been done to them, they often become abusers themselves. If they do it and try to put an end to the abuse or break loose they'll have to face both the wrath of the parent (who can get very persistent if feeling their victim slipping) and incredible pressure and guilt-tripping from the rest of the family and society in general. Such relationships go so steeply against both what we perceive as natural and ethical that for most people it's emotionally devastating to face and think it through. Things get downplayed and brushed off with ridiculous attempts of justification: severe and systematic emotional or/and physical abuse becomes "he's just a yeller", "he has a temper" or "she's always been a bit difficult". Or they were alcoholics, just made a few mistakes, were misguided and only did what they thought was best for you, but they always loved you, more than anything else... If you don't, you're to blame, there's no excuse for breaking ties with your parents, no matter what they did and still try to do to you... Many of these people have good intentions and they aren't "bad" people, but maintaining the idea of the sanctity of the family is crucial to society as a whole. Blaming the victim is not too big a price to pay to protect it.

But I digress, even if it's based on vast direct and indirect experience with the victimisation that abused children have to face as adults.

If I'm understanding correctly what you're asking, no, you're not a bad person for not grieving for someone who abused you. I've seen a few of your posts and it seems the abuse continued through your adult life, enabled and validated by the rest of your family. I'm very sorry you went through so much pain and hope you'll get some peace of mind, it can be a long and excruciating process.

when my father died, it was a relief, for both of us, as he suffered greatly for 5 years before he passed. my mother, OTOH, had a relatively short illness and then suddenly one morning she stroked out and was gone before i could say goodbye. i felt like something shrunk inside of me when that happened. i felt bereft, all alone, that it was just me in the world now. i was caretaker for them both and when they were gone i was suddenly purposeless, and i soon moved to the middle of the woods and am a hermit to this day.

yes even after i got married my mother and brother was harassing me mentally
they would call me up at odd hour, humiliate me, insult me and fill peoples head with garbage against me.
I cut them off too which they started bad mouthing me
they told people that i am money hungry, greedy and i have cut them off for money
but in my heart i knew why i cut them off.
i wish i could just shoot them point blank
i wont even shed a tear after killing those pest.

thanks for your concern

How do you manage to live in the middle of the woods
is there basic facilities available like a market, electricity, running water
what about hospitals

i live 40 minutes outside of a wide spot in the road. in the middle of the county, in a little community with mostly trees in it, and houses every few hundred feet. i am surrounded by trees.

Well, I don't know what auntblabby does. I don't know how other people would manage it. If I weren't intractably in love with a neurotypical who's addicted to the Western standard of living, I'd manage it nicely.

If you know what you're doing, a market is hardly necessary. You can tidily raise or forage the majority of your diet. A garden, an orchard, some chickens, a hog, a goat or two, being good with a gun...

...you can very tidily manage to travel to the market only three to six times a year for bulk purchases of what you can't or don't want to raise or hunt. Coffee for example, if that's your thing.

If you drive, you drive. Growing up it was nothing for us to drive 50 miles to the grocery store. Daddy worked 60 hour weeks. We made long lists and went once a month (we were not at the time into the self-reliance thing; I picked some berries and we got some venison and squirrel from his sister and bought beef from his uncle but that was about it).

There's also trade with neighbors, though if you're a hermit that's probably not your bag.

Most places have electricity nowadays. You have to do some serious looking to find a place where the grid isn't; most of the people that are obligatory off-gridders are in Canada or on the extreme northern plains.

Propane substitutes for electricity nicely. It can run a whole-house generator, or you can use gas lights and gas appliances. This is what the Amish do, though I believe they do it with natural gas. There are also solar arrays, wind turbines, gas generators...

...and the option I'd choose, simply doing without. We think we need it; we don't. Computers, TV, cell phones-- it's nice if you want contact with folks, but it's extraneous. We've gotten very used to electricity, but even refrigeration is not strictly necessary. Google "cool house" or "spring house" for an education on how people got by before.

For my kids' sake, I stay near doctors and hospitals. If it were just me, I wouldn't care. I'd doctor my own minor illnesses (I do that anyway, for the whole family). Broken bones and pneumonia and such can be driven to the hospital if it takes that. But if it were just me?? I'd figure I'll die when I die, and not worry too much about it.