Questions for mums on the spectrum

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How do you find being a mum as an Aspie?
Do you ever wonder if you made the right decision becoming a parent?
If your child/ren are on the spectrum, does it make it even harder for you (personally), or easier and do you feel guilty that you "gave" your child/ren an ASC?
Do you ever feel that if you didn't love your child/ren so much you would escape off into the sunset!?
Are you the type of mum who gives parenting their all because you take the responsibility so seriously (and if so, is this an Aspie thing)?

I would really like to get some other Aspie mum's perspectives to compare with my own. I get the feeling everyone else finds it so much easier than me from reading on here. I could be wrong, and I do think individual situations make a lot of difference, because factors such as how supportive your partner is, whether you have a partner, support you get from family or other sources etc. will all affect how you feel about being a mum.

1) How do I find it? Sometimes it is stressful. Sometimes it is rewarding. Sometimes I wonder about my son's future. A lot of it depends on if we are having a good day, or a bad day (or he is) and how much nonsense I am having with the school.

2) Sometimes I second guess myself, mainly when I worry if at the end of it all, if my son will be OK. Mainly I think It is wonderful to have him, because mostly, when not stressed and I am not worried about his future, things are pretty good.

3) Escape into the sunset? I would not word it quite that way. Some days are hard, mainly when dealing with the outside world. So I usually think I wish I had an island for my family with a moat.

4) Maybe it is an Aspie thing. I would not assume NTs do not feel this way too. That said, I also cannot say that the special interest component doesn't factor into it. I am not so sure if this is good or bad. I end up acquiring a lot of info, but I am not sure how healthy it is to focus on autism all the time.

I don't know if this actually answers your concerns. It is hard and sometimes I feel deep in the weeds, (again dealing with other people) - Today we had a good day, where he handled a lot of stressors and unexpected happenings. It was not without complaint,; but nothing close to a meltdown. So today, I am feeling pretty good. If I had answered these questions on a different day, maybe my answers would look different.

when i was summer mom for three years for my fiancé's daughter (5, 6, and 7 y.o.), I found I was overly close to her because I didn't have enough friends.

I think on the whole I do a pretty good job. It's not easy, but I do the best I can. I find I'm not much for creative play or pretending, so that's hard, especially since my son is an only child. I also think he sometimes feels rejected when I need downtime and he wants to play, and I feel bad about that. I feel like my house is kind of like an autism-friendly sanctuary, and it gives him the calm and routine he needs, compared to at his dad's with 2 step siblings running around. I used to feel guilty for giving him an ASD but he's pretty content to be himself, so if anything he has taught me to be proud to be an Aspie. I'm a single mom, and his dad is always coming up with hare-brained schemes to "fix" him(tutoring requiring 10 hour school days despite being ahead academically, enrolling him in sports he has no interest in, taking away dairy and gluten with no evidence of gastric issues and DS being quite small for his age anyway), and I am constantly defending him against that.

No, I would not say I'm having an easy time of it at all and I don't want to answer the individual questions because I'm happier not thinking about it.

I understand what you're saying, and I realise it can be difficult and stressful for any parent of ASC children, but my questions were for parents of ASC children who are on the spectrum themselves too, which brings a unique set of challenges because of that. It can surely only be harder to be a parent if you have an ASC yourself - at least it is for me. The things I find really hard are because of my AS. My questions were geared towards Aspies as I wanted to see if my feelings about parenting are all to do with being an Aspie or not.

My husband is NT and he just doesn't understand how the girls tick, he doesn't get it. He brushes everything off and doesn't see that certain things upset them, he thinks they are making it up.

Many of us who post here haven't been diagnosed, and therefore don't necessarily note it in our profile information. I believe I am on the spectrum, although I have certainly compensated to the point that few believe me when I say so.

Are you only interested in the perspective of those parents who have been diagnosed?

Specifically people who are definitely Aspies, which normally would be assured by a diagnosis. (I just presumed you weren't due to nothing indicating the possibility in your profile.) Although if you believe you are on the spectrum too then your opinion is equally needed, I just need to specifically analyse if my difficulties are (or how much of them) are down to having AS. Thanks.

I have periods where I feel...well...happy, adjusted, fulfilled, excited, hopeful....and periods where I don't.

I have a positive outlook by nature (also called Polly Anna and Rose Colored Glasses by some) and my natural inclination is to pass over unpleasant feelings as quickly as I can. I also have found that I do better when I re-frame my thoughts in a more positive way. After 45 years, I have gotten pretty good at it, and I also realize that I wouldn't be the mom I am today if I would have had kids in my 20's. It has been a blessing to be an "older" mom.

But sometimes I really feel like I suck. I feel like 90% of my son's problems in middle school right now are my fault and if I could somehow just snap out of my ADD and be a "real" mom, he wouldn't be having such a hard time. I feel like my kid's social problems are my fault. I don't socialize. I have no friends to speak of. I am happy sitting at home on the weekends doing nothing. This is not good for my kids and I know it, but somehow I cannot seem to bring myself to do something about it.

When I start thinking about these things, I feel like a giant piece of...well, you know.

So, instead, I just don't think about it. I put one foot in front of the other and plug forward. I really don't see myself as having any other reasonable choice.

(and I am not an Aspie, but a shadow, but my healthy dose of ADD and it's associated executive dysfunction probably put me pretty close to be on par in many ways.)

How do you find being a mum as an Aspie?
Do you ever wonder if you made the right decision becoming a parent?
If your child/ren are on the spectrum, does it make it even harder for you (personally), or easier and do you feel guilty that you "gave" your child/ren an ASC?
Do you ever feel that if you didn't love your child/ren so much you would escape off into the sunset!?


I am not diagnosed, but I believe that if I had been a kid today that I would have been. I am a stay at home mom, because working in public settings has never worked out very well for me. Usually due to miscommunication, or me just getting so overwhelmed that I kind of go into a daze.

I had my two older children in a sort of bizarre set of circumstances that I don't want to go into here. I was 20 and 21 when they were born. My divorce was final when the younger of those two was 1 month old, and that was the last we saw of their bio dad. His parental rights were later terminated. I remarried this time to a great guy, when the boys were 5 and 6. He has since adopted them, and we had one child together.

If I had not had them when I was that young, I feel like I might have realized that I am not the best person to be having kids, and never wanted to. To be honest, I was not very emotionally mature at the time, and even now I feel like I am probably not as mature as other 33 year olds. However, I think that on the whole, I have not done too badly. I am glad that my kids are here. They are mostly happy. I am mostly happy. I think that I am massively more flexible in my thinking for having had to deal with the twists and turns that kids present.

The oldest is high functioning autistic, the middle ADHD/ODD, and the youngest...I don't know. I have at times felt guilt over passing this down to them. Most of the time, though, I have been glad that because my way of thinking and the oldest's way of thinking are so similar that I am able to understand him and help him learn. There are so many things that I look back and see that I had to learn the hard way, secrets that other people took for granted like facial expressions influence how other people feel about you. These types of expressions generally increase their favor of you, and these generally decrease it. I didn't figure that out until I was between 14 (smiling) and 16 (angry faces). That is just one thing. There are many things that I have been glad that he is my kid and not someone's else's because someone else wouldn't understand where he's coming from like I do.

There are things that are hard, especially dealing with my middle child, who is definitely not on the spectrum. He is like dealing with a person who doesn't speak the same language as me, and it is very hard to keep up with him. He also has needs that are hard for me to meet. I get extremely worn out and overwhelmed having to be in crowds that either want to talk to me or are very loud (visually or auditory). He gets drained and overwhelmed when he's NOT in crowds for too long a time. Visual and auditory sensitivity are my two biggest problems, now, and sometimes it is hard being a mom to a boy who has prosody issues that result in him shouting most of the time, and another one who bounces and moves and is just everywhere at once with the movement.

I wonder sometimes what I would be doing if I had never had kids. Sometimes I wonder what I'd do now if I could just take a break with no guilt and just do my own thing, so sure sometimes I wonder, but I do love my kids and they keep my life interesting and worthwhile. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when they all want to go off to live their own lives!

If you are generally non-verbal, could you speak enough to train a dog?

I am not formally diagnosed due to my age and cost, and the fact that at this stage of life there would be no benefit to this. I do have a non-formal (unsolicited) diagnosis from a professional who was involved in diagnosing my son, if that helps. At that point, I was not really shocked by it, and had already guessed it of myself. So am I self-diagnosed? Yes and no, if that makes a difference to you. I know that can be a sore point on this board, but I am confident enough about it to include ASD in my name. I apologize if that is misleading. I do this so people know to expect that I will mis-step in my communication skills from time to time, and because I feel like it does influence the advice I give and need.

Anyway, one of the things I think make it harder for someone on the spectrum is that it requires more effort to deal with sensory issues. If you have a kid with vocal stims and you have a noise aversion, say. Also, sometimes we meltdown and need down time just like our kids. My husband is not NT, either, but he is more NT than me, so it often balances well when I need a break.

It is harder for us to get out there and make friends with the other mommies. Those that can do this (not me) have a better shot at help getting playdates for their kids and understanding from the community. Also, I would guess that NTs do better dealing with all the paperwork, and social interactions dealing with education and medical professionals. Dealing with school administrators is currently the bane of my existence, and I have to be very careful not to say what I really think to them. I also have to decode their fakey fakey language, and read between the lines which is hard for me.

On the other hand, I think I understand my kid better than an NT mom could intuitively because I have many of the same issues, although much, much much milder. I think that gives me credibility when I can honestly tell my son that I have these same issues also, and I can help him. (This is not to say NT moms cannot figure it out and help their kids. Please do not flame me. I just think it is more intuitive for people on the spectrum to know what our kids need, sometimes.) Sometimes I might see something from a different angle that maybe an NT would not b/c they do not have the personal experience I have.