How Do You Handle Your Picky Eaters?

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My just turned 8 year old (suspected ASD) is a pretty picky eater (although better than some). As he likes a lot of fruit, it is not hard to make sure he gets all of his vitamins, but I am finding it difficult to make meals we all can eat. My older son is not a picky eater at all, but has some food allergies (some severe), which limits our choices. I usually keep some things on hand that I know my 8 year old will eat if/when he rejects our meal, but they aren't always the healthiest. Things like boxes of Mac & cheese, frozen burritos, and ramen noodles. He eats a lot of carbs. I don't mind making it all that much on top of the meal, as these require minimal effort, but it really bothers my husband.

Just wondering, if you find yourself in a similar situation, how do you handle this?

We give a little of what we are eating on his plate. We used to be pushier about encouraging him trying things, but we have gotten more laid back. We give him fruit, raw veggies or will make him a grilled cheese, peanut butter sandwich or something quick like that, if he declines. We have gotten used to this Some people would say to not make him an alternative--but he will truly not eat anything he has sensory issues with, no matter how hungry he is. We would rather make him an alternative meal then limit family dinners to what he will eat.

Our rule was that over the course of a day they had to eat from each category, but the keeping proportions was something I watched more by week than by day.

For any individual meal, I always made sure there was one course on the table that each different child might like (since I have two kids, that would mean I would focus 2 out of 3 courses to a child). Then, while we would encourage them to eat something of everything, and required at least a bit of some fruit or vegetable, we wouldn't force it. If I had a child I realized hadn't been eating enough vegetables, I would pick the next night's vegetable dish for them.

My daughter was really difficult, not only being picky but also being moody. I could cook something I knew she liked, but suddenly she wouldn't be in the "mood" for it. UGH! What I ended up deciding was a reasonable compromise was to allow her to scan the refrigerator for microwavable leftovers that she was more in the mood for, and those I would be willing to heat up for her instead. No special cooking; leftovers only. And I was always cooking enough to have leftovers, as they tend to be what I have for lunch later in the week.

I also got a lot of veggies into the kids by making it a habit to set a plate of snack veggies in front of them about an hour before dinner. It is like magic, that trick: they seem to eat the veggies without even realizing it. You have to get it in front of them as they start to get hungry but haven't really tuned into the hunger yet.

Between the three policies, we were able to cover the bases, I felt: the kids were eating well rounded enough and there were defined boundaries that kept us from having to deal with attempts to turn us into short order cooks. The kids seem to support how we approached it, now that they are past those picky stages and working towards being teenage foodies.

Thanks for the replies.

ASDMommyASDKid, yes. We have the same issue. It does not matter how much we try to push it, he will not eat certain things. It is beyond just being picky, it has to do with his sensory issues and anxiety. For example, if one time the type of chicken he usually likes is made slightly differently because we were out of some ingredient, he will refuse it and it could take him months to eat the original recipe again because he is worried it will taste weird. My feeling is that it is not worth it to fight it, he needs to eat. I really don't think it is him being "bratty." My husband feels we doing him a disservice by giving in.

DW_a_mom, your suggestion of making part of the meal something he will like is great. He will always eat potatoes and certain raw veggies. I can just make sure we have something he will enjoy. He can always eat a yogurt or something after dinner if he didn't like the main part of the meal.

We make family meals that we all like, or we eat separate meals. There are only two of us, and we have different tastes. I have always had a 'please try everything once' rule in our house. We have a container of raw veggies handy for snacking through the day and our 'rules' are the same for me (the adult) and for him (the child). We must eat fruit and veg every day in some capacity. We must limit our 'unhealthy snacks' to a small portion.

I don't cook separate meals for both of us, however. If I am having a meal he doesn't like, he will make himself one of the healthy options he enjoys (he is older, so he can do this). Teaching them to be self-sufficient food wise is important, so I taught mine early on how to make his favourite sandwiches, how to help create a salad, how to prepare our 'raw veggies' container.

I don't believe you are doing a child any kind of disservice by respecting his sensory issues and understanding how his brain functions differently to yours. I think you're showing him that you respect and love him just as he is, and I believe that will pay off for your relationship (and his subsequent health) for a lifetime where forcing food issues will have the opposite effect.

We are both autistic at our house. I think the 'try it' rule is a good one for us as we often learn we like new foods we haven't tried before. When I encourage my son to 'try it once' that's that. This helps because he understands our tastes can change (like he used to hate any kind of beans but now loves black bean burritos). He also loves sushi. I have taught him that 'lots of people think sushi is really weird and won't try it. Imagine if you thought it was weird and never tried it, you would never know how much you love it'.

I also model the behaviour of trying foods that I absolutely hate just to show him we can do it. He knows I am not going to force him to eat things that make him feel gross, and he respects me for it, and has learned a lot about food that way.

I am a somewhat picky eater...but its usually sensory related, like to this day I still hate mashed potatoes I love fried potatoes, baked potatoes are good but the texture of mashed potatoes bothers me. I know as a child no amount of pushing or threatening 'no desert' if I don't eat them would have got me to eat them...I think especially with autism picky eating can have to do with sensory issues, so I think finding alternatives for them to eat is a good option, otherwise you risk having them go hungry if you go by a policy of simply not feeding them if they wont eat whats on the table...then they'll b grumpy and still picky.

I show them where the kitchen is, and tell them that they can cook their own meals as long as they clean up after themselves.

... and no, leaving a greasy pot in or near the sink does not qualify as "cleaning up". I mean that whatever they use to prepare their meals - including the kitchen and everything in it - must be as clean as, or cleaner than it was before they used it.

(My own kids learned at an early age to either eat what they were served or prepare their own meals - I did not raise any spoiled brats, nor have my offspring developed any sense of 'entitlement' to what they have not worked for themselves.)

HOWEVER, if a guest has special dietary restrictions, then I am eager to accommodate them. Otherwise, mere preference must be made known in advance.

My poor grandmother must have been a martyr.

She was diabetic and needed to eat one way.

My grandfather had congestive heart failure and ASD and needed to eat another way, while demanding to eat still another one. He remained a controllingly picky eater until the day he died-- and I am perfectly certain that, as one of eight kids with a desperately poor, abusive, and neglectful single mother, I seriously doubt anyone catered to him as a child. Like, EVER.

I was an ASD kid and there were only certain things (lettuce, cucumbers, chicken drumsticks, cream of wheat, oatmeal, graham crackers, chicken noodle soup, potato soup, bread, celery, cubed steak, buttered pasta, and fruit) that I would eat.

She cooked three different dinners, five nights a week, for the better part of a decade.

I eat basically anything that's not nailed down nowadays (except beets, sashimi, raw tomatoes, and ketchup-- beets taste like dirt, I can't bring myself to eat raw animal flesh, and I just don't like the other two). I don't know if that's because my dad basically demanded that I learn to eat other stuff or cook for myself, or if it's because I HAD to eat other stuff at other peoples' houses, or if it's because I got to incorporate new foods into my diet on my own time and my own terms.

Probably some combination thereof.

With 4 kids, I don't "do" custom dinners any more. Everybody gets their favorite meals (and I do tailor quick breakfasts to each child on school days), but we all get the same dinner (more or less) and it's "Eat it or go hungry," because six individual meals is too darn much to make.

We don't have any (or many, anyway) extreme sensitivities to things, though. You can't make those things go away by force, or discipline, or all the "eat it or go hungry" in the world. A kid with bona fide sensitivities will, in fact, choose "go hungry" until they collapse from hypoglycemia. It's an issue of "perceived-can't," not an issue of "don't wanna, ain't gonna, you can't make me."

Frankly I think TOO DAMN MUCH of the "eat it or else and a strapping" treatment was a large part of the reason why my grandfather was so controlling as an adult. He never got so much as a modicum of control or consideration as a kid, so he was BY GOD BOUND AND DETERMINED that he was going to have it when it was "his right" as a primary-wage-earning male adult.

If certain foods literally made my kids sick, then those foods were never served to them again.

But if they wouldn't eat an entire meal only because they thought it was 'icky', then they were told to either eat it, fix their own meal, or go hungry until the next meal.

My kids never starved, but they did learn that daddy was serious about them appreciating the amount of work that went into preparing their meals.

And I never threatened them with violence, or invoked the image of "poor, starving children" to guilt-trip them into eating.

I don't make separate *meals*, but I always make sure there is at least one thing that both of my kids are known to like. If they are hungry after dinner, they can have leftovers from the night before if there are some, or something uncooked- raw vegetables, chickpeas, sandwich, etc.. One of my kids goes through periods where he only eats one or two foods for a month or so…and I just give him that food (luckily it's always a vegetable…it could be worse). I was instructed when he was young by other parents to not allow him that food and "he'll eat when he's hungry" but that didn't turn out to be so (he just didn't eat at all). As such, I do "give in" so that at least he eats something. He always gets off it eventually.

I've also discovered that for one of my kids, it helps him to have a schedule of food so he knows in advance what he'll be eating. Not sure why.

If the sensory issues are severe enough, OT might help. When my older son was young, there were literally only 3 things he would eat- other things would make him gag. But he is A LOT better now after receiving "food therapy" which is a specific type of OT intended for picky eaters.

Finally, one thing that I find really helps with my younger son is involving him in the cooking. He can't cook by himself yet, but he likes helping me cook and when he helps me make it, he likes it better. I wonder if maybe it's because he likes to see which individual ingredients are in it? Whatever the reason, it helps him eat a wider variety of foods, AND it is teaching him life skills! (I can’t get my older son in on the fun though… he's not a fan of cooking).

I don't think he can fix himself a meal at this point. He does not have the executive functioning required to cook safely on a stove or in the oven, and we don't have a microwave. We don't even have the counter space for a microwave. We have one of those small, galley kitchens. He also does not eat sandwiches.

However, I think that I can make sure there are at least parts of a meal he could always eat, and then tell him he can help himself to yogurt or a cheese stick or something else readily available in the kitchen if he complains. He can handle toasting himself a bagel, which we usually have.

WelcomeToHolland, he does seem to do better when I involve him in deciding what we will be eating for the week. He usually starts off by refusing everything, but then picks a few choices. He will then follow through and eat them because he decided. So, that I can do on a more regular basis. It's hard to remember all these strategies until I talk them out. I can also have him help me cook, he would like that and it may help him too. Like I said, our kitchen is really small, so I tend to kick everyone out of it while I'm cooking, but I can try to be more flexible on that .

BuyerBeware, Yes, your grandmother was a martyr.

We still don't do much cooking on the stove at the age of 12 here so don't worry about that too much. Have you ever read up on any Montessori philosophy about food, etc.? When my son was younger we had a small container for his milk in the fridge, and a child sized container of cereal so he could make his own cereal from the age of three, etc. It sounds like you are doing the 'right' things for him as it is.

I gave up my hatred of microwaves specifically so my son could learn to 'cook' some things safely. We also bought a rice cooker for the same reason. Good luck. It sounds like you are totally on top of things.

Thanks, ominous. I have not read any Montessori food philosophy, but was thinking I should get some containers that are easier for him to open and manage during the course of this thread. He has a hard time with a lot of containers, but I know they sell more child friendly ones. I don't really like microwaves either, but will probably also give up on that if we ever find ourselves in a larger kitchen. It would be really easy for him to use one.

Back in the late 80s we had a friend come over with a microwave leak testing device that showed our microwave was irradiating all over the place and it put me right off them. Now that I got 'over that' I am finding the microwave very helpful. I can make foods the family likes in advance and my son can pop health options in the microwave when he wants food. I'm fortunate mine would happily live on his 'homemade Subway turkey sub' and is capable of making that.

Smaller containers are where it's at for tinier people, it also gives them a sense of being able to do for themselves and helps foster independence.

I only came to a lot of the 'teaching self care' to my son when I was diagnosed with lupus. I got really sick and could no longer make all the meals and there is only myself and my son, so we were literally forced to come up with other options due to chronic illness. It's been a real blessing in disguise. I think I would have continued to do for my son and not fostering his capacity if I hadn't fallen ill.

Good luck.

Here are some of the Monte philosophies on fostering independence early on that we have incorporated into our home life. My son was at Monte from age 3-6 as was I when I was tiny. It's one of the aspects of her pedagogy that I absolutely love.

http://www.indianamontessoriacademy.org ... a=28&b=148