Blended family and a child on the spectrum

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone - I could use some thoughts and perspective from parents with ASD children in my situation. I'm in love and adore my girlfriend. She is a wonderful and thoughtful person, gets along well with my children (7 and 9 years old), and is someone I can see spending the rest of my life with. She is also divorced, and has an 8 year old boy on the spectrum. We have been very careful and cautious about introducing the kids into the relationship over the past year, making sure we weren't rushing into anything. We live in separate houses now, and have talked about a married future between us.

Recently, the five of us spent more concentrated time together and a big part of me wanted everyone to get along and have it be a preview of what our blended lives would be like in the future. Her son is verbal, but has issues communicating which I've come to understand more about ASD in greater detail since the beginning of our relationship. He doesn't want to talk to me (answer a simple question, say hi) or my kids if we initiate the conversation, so we have to communicate through his mom. Any responses to us are usually impolite (which I know is not personal, but harder for my kids to understand). When my kids invaded his space in any way, or looked over to see what he was watching on his iPad, they were met with a "GET AWAY" or sometimes a shove. To top off the situation, he acted out aggressively to my son after one of his toys was touched. He ran over and grabbed my son in a bear hug and tried to bite him in the cheek. Fortunately, he didn't get any skin...but I feel that it could have been worse. His Mom had never seen him 'snap' like that against another child, so it's not a common behavior for him. My kids were clearly more alert/stressed when he was around and when we split up into our own families a few times, I could see that my children were instantly more relaxed.

My struggle is this. I absolutely love my girlfriend. I have so much respect for her as a Mom and also so much empathy and compassion for what she has to endure with her son. At the same time, my kids are my life and my role as a Dad (I share 50% parenting time with their Mom) is more important to me than anything. As I see it today, I don't see how the idea of blending our families is in the best interests of my children. I think it would be a challenging daily environment for them. And even though the aggressive behavior might have been a one-time outlier of a situation, I can't get that out of my head. My kids are still young enough that they are going to be kids, annoy each other, fight over stuff (you know, be kids), etc. And what if they provoke another outburst? My girlfriend and I can't be watching them 24/7. At the same time, the thought of ending our relationship is devastating to consider and gives me a sick feeling in my stomach to just type this. It feels like I would be abandoning her in the very moment where she could use my support.

We have a lot to discuss as a couple over the next few weeks/months and I'm not sure how things will end up. I guess I don't have a specific question for the group, but any feedback or thoughts are welcome.

Unless you're prepared to love that little boy like a son, move along. I've seen too many posts from bitter step-parents who hate (yes, they use that word) their ASD kids. A lot of them hide that fact from their spouse, but the children KNOW and it's damaging to them. If you're going to favor your kids over hers, and I'm not saying you would, then don't marry her. If you're not willing to spend a lot of time reading books and doing research and going to school meetings and seeing doctors to support this child, then don't marry his mother.
Honestly, the fact that you were shocked by any of her child's behaviors tells me you don't yet know enough about autism. None of it seemed surprising at all to me. If you're going to be this kid's step-father, you need to be ready to really really commit to that job.

I would think that would be a really stressful situation for her son. Getting to know your mom's boyfriend's kids at age 8 is really stressful for a neurotypical kid, and way more so for a kid on the spectrum. That is a highly charged situation, and I am not surprised he snapped. Besides him almost biting your son (which I guess because he was feeling a lot of anxiety), the things you describe about his behavior are things that would have to be understood more/ tolerated by your kids, as it would be way harder for him to change them. What you describe does not seem so bad to me. I think your kids would have to understand that he feels really uncomfortable when people are in his space, rather than expect him to let it roll off his shoulder or respond differently. They would learn over time to give him the space he needs. You can explain to your kids that he communicates differently, so him saying "get away" is not negative in the way your kids have learned to associate it with. When he says something that your kids perceive as rude, explain that he is not intending to be rude but that he is more blunt/ communicates differently. This is not something that will go smoothly immediately. It will take a lot of time for them to all accept each other. It will take work from both you and your girlfriend to help all three of the kids learn to be together peacefully. It sounds like you are as put off by it as your kids were. You would have to also learn to accept his different way of communicating and his needs that are not what you are used to expecting. Since this was the first length of time they spent together, this is not a good indicator of how they will be together after you give it time and patience. But, you have to be willing to do the work. It sounds like you are jumping the gun a little if you are ready to speak with your girlfriend about it being impossible to work, after only one day of them spending a chunk of time together. You should do some self exploration and decide what you are willing to do and how much patience and time you are willing to give it. Do not continue if you really do not think you are up to it. It is not fair to your girlfriend or her son. Only proceed if you are willing to completely accept this boy and make him feel welcomed and loved.

Thanks for your thoughtful response, I appreciate it. I should have given more context in my initial post in that the three kids have spent time together over the past year, albeit in smaller doses of time. The recent experiences were the first time we have been all together for an extended time, multiple days.

I'm not shocked at what happened, because I've spent a lot of time with him, been reading a lot about behaviors to expect, and I didn't expect everything to be peaches and cream.

I guess the situation was a little bit of a wake up call to the realities of what our lives may be like as a blended family. And while I understand that I can help my kids cope better (as well as coping better myself), I'm hesitating just the same.

I'm still in reaction and reflection mode, so I haven't fully processed everything. And I agree that in the end, I have to decide whether I'm willing and able to make the commitment and fully accept everything.

There is another option you could consider -- marry, but maintain separate residences. During 50% of the time, live with your kids in your house. The other 50% of the time live at her house. It's a lot of back and forth for you, but puts less burden on both your kids and her son to get along with each other. (Although the on/off schedule might be difficult for her son...) Or you could just plan to continue seriously dating for the next 10 years, until your kids are launched.

First, I want to say that it's a testament to your love for your girlfriend and general decency as a person that you reached out here at all, and that is beautiful. But, I do want to add a few things for you to consider. The child in question is just a child, and could have been born to you. He wasn't, but many people have both NT and ASD children and have figured out a way to make things work. It does require change on both sides though, and that's tough, probably even more so for a divorced father who may also have to explain things to his former partner. But, bringing an ASD child into your home is not abusing your NT children, rather it is teaching them early about values and acceptance, even though the change may be radical. As parents, we all want to protect our children, but where is the line between protection and privilege? Your children don't have any siblings with special needs (apologies if this isn't the case, but you didn't say anything about that in your post). Many other children do have siblings with special needs, or of a different race or sexual orientation. I would ask myself, what I am really protecting my children from and why. Because, if this kid isn't typically violent, but got so because he was overwhelmed, then I would think that the risk to my children wouldn't be persistent, and that the benefits to them in terms of understanding ALL of the types of people who make the world go round would be so much greater than any real physical risk. This child is not lesser because he is different, and your children could become much greater people because of learning how to love him. The bottom line is this, we all want our children to be comfortable, but how much do we remove their opportunities to really understand the world and explore empathy in the process?

You asked for opinions...here's my two cents worth.

I have seen ASD blended families work, BUT...

It was either Foster Care adoption scenario OR

Children were basically adults. The one family I knew, the children were 15, 17 and 20. A huge family meeting on what this would mean to the two families, and there was no ex spouse. The ASD child was 6 at the time.

Your issue will be with your ex. The average ex spouse does not give a s**t about your love life, or your girl friend or your girl friend's kids.

How much does she know about autism? If your kids rolls into her place with a bite or this or that, is she going to flip? If the kids start whining how they hate going to your place, because everything is centered around the ASD child (it will, and kids usually aren't usually that benevolent. My husband's sibs still harbor feelings about his melt downs, and typical Aspie behavior). Will your ex be WTF is going on over there, or is she willing to help sooth things over? Will she be supportive of your relationship or firing up the phone to the attorney?

My husband is an Aspie. I have an Aspie nephew. At Christmas my nephew threw an old school metal alarm clock at my daughter. Caught her in the face, missing her eye. It was an ER visit on Christmas Day for stitches, and worrying about permanent eye damage.

My nephew was overwhelmed by just every thing. He was 9 and my daughter was 3. He started melting down, and I think my daughter bumped into in his bedroom. He grabbed the clock, throwing it at her head, getting the right side of her face.

Yes, leading up to this, everything was horribly mishandled. Christmas. People. Noise. People in his room. My nephew probably function at a 5 year old level at age 9. He told me years later he remembers none of it. Of course, it was during a raging meltdown, and at Christmas and in the middle of a medication overhaul.

But...we did not go over there again for 6 months, when my daughter was a little bigger, my nephew could handle visitors better, and his parents got out of denial. They thought Autism could be cured by medication alone.

I'm not saying this relationship can't work, but you need to factor in your ex. If those kids start complaining how it sucks visiting, what will she do?

You also need to really immerse yourself on what it means to commit 24/7 to an ASD kid.

Good luck.

Tawaki, my family does not revolve around my ASD child. He does have meltdowns, yes, and they are disruptive, but we don't revolve around him. He spends a good deal of his life getting carted around so we can drop his older brother at play dates, etc. Plus, my older son has chronic medical issues and a learning disability, which both require a lot of attention. Besides my ASD child's meltdowns (which don't happen all the time), he is pretty easy (and really fun) to be with.

I don't have time to read the responses but have a couple of things that I want to say, in case you find them helpful.

Ages 7-8 was probably the worst age for my son if I am to be realistic. He does not sound like he is as impaired as your girlfriend's son, but 7-8 was tough for him. He is nearly 14 now and is an entirely different kid for the most part. My point is, time changes things. If you and your girlfriend both believe that a life together is what you want, you may just have to decide to go slower than you would were you not taking ASD into consideration.

My second piece of feedback is that both you and she need to understand that developmentally, her son is the youngest. I have a 9 year old daughter, so I am familiar with how 9 year olds "work" and can remember (most of) how 7 year olds work. My daughter has mild ASD, but her friends are all typical. Not all 9 year olds, and a large percentage of 7 year olds, have developed the empathy, compassion, and emotional maturity to handle a child with significant behavioral issues well. I think it is important to remember, that your kids may be no more ready for this than hers is. Perhaps if her child were NT, they would be, but he is not NT, so your kids might need an opportunity to develop a little more, too. When I think of my own child, when she was younger and more impaired, she generally only had 1 NT friend, and they were usually the type of kid who likes to "mother" or "take care of someone else." They were usually very tolerant of her behaviors. And they let a lot "slide," but most kids that age aren't able to let a lot slide. NT kids aren't born with fully developed emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills, either. They may be wired to make acquisition easier, but they still have to learn these things. I don't have any NT kids, so I have always had to accept that my kids had a lot of work to do with emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills. I have the impression that parents of NT kids usually spend less time thinking about these things, but it sounds like you do not have that luxury. You need to be able to look at your kids objectively to try to figure out how to help get them "ready" for this, because they probably aren't.

(FWIW, my daughter is almost 10 now, and she has developed a great deal over the past 2 years. She now has 2 BFFs, but she has lots of "friends" in school. Last year in 4th grade, she really bloomed, and her peers now accept her as their equal, something they never have done before. None of them know she has a diagnosis, but kids don't need to be told these things. They spot "different" way before adults do. So again, my daughter's ability to interact effectively with others is way different than it was when she was 7-8).

Lastly... you guys are going to have a non-traditional family anyway. Why not play by your own rules and do what works for you? Why couldn't you live in their (your gf and her son) house when your kids are with their mom, and live in your house with your kids, and just visit, when you have your kids? Who says that to get married you HAVE to live together 100% of the time? If that doesn't work for your family, then never mind what others think. If you and your girlfriend love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together, then find a way to make that work, even if it doesn't match the societal norm. I can tell you one thing: the sooner you can become wholeheartedly comfortable with eschewing NT societal ideals that don't work, the happier you will be in a family that includes a member on the spectrum.

Let things develop at their own rate. Change is extremely difficult for some people on the spectrum. For as high functioning and fly-under-the-radar as my daughter has become, transitions are the one thing that still totally trip her up... even transitions that she is looking forward to; change is hard for her, and she is just now starting to become able to verbalize how it all works for her. She literally feels like the world is changing uncontrollably as the result of what appear to be small changes on the outside. She functions by learning elaborate scripts that help her know "what to do" and "when to do it." Knowing "what to do" and "when to do it" makes her feel comfortable and secure, because the better she is at it, the more "like other people" she is, and the easier the social landscape is. When change happens, even small change, she is aware that things will happen that she will not know "what to do" or "when to do it." The amount of anxiety that this causes her is heartbreaking. And, like many people, she is not her best "her" when she is being driven by anxiety and fear. Things that intrude on her internal schema of how things should work, cannot be easily accommodated, because she cannot fluidly adapt like NT people can. You, and your children, constantly bombard your girlfriend's son's internal schema of how things should work. How they have worked for many years. It will take considerable time for him to learn to adapt his schema to include interactions with you and your kids. Slow and steady will win that race, topped with a healthy dose of forgiveness when things get off track.

pddtwinmom - I appreciate your perspective. I have considered the positive aspects of what this blended family can offer to my children and how they might become better people because of it. In fact, I've thought a lot about that through my own eyes and what I can and will learn by becoming a family together. Because the reality is that I will also need to change and grow as a person to make this work. Parenting is definitely a balance between protecting your kids and growing their independence. And since they didn't choose to be in a divorced family, I probably tend to lean toward the protect side.

Fitzi - I don't think I'm viewing this only through a negative lens, so I may have incorrectly used the word cope to describe it. My children are still young enough that they don't yet understand why he doesn't want to eat with us, why they can't share his toys or why he doesn't want to do anything that's not planned for and prepped in advance. He is a wonderful and loving boy when he's on his own turf, is in control of the situation and is within the normal daily routine. Like my girlfriend, I think that most parents of an ASD child are more naturally accepting. I haven't spent time with anyone with special needs over my entire life. I'm doing my best to alter my own expectations and educating myself as much as possible. Thanks for the book recommendation - I've read a few, but not that one.

It's comforting that many people here agree that things will get better over time and that through adjustments and understanding, we can make things work. A month ago, I thought I was ready to pop the question and start moving toward a combined family. The recent experiences was an abrupt dose of what daily life can be like, and I guess I wasn't as prepared mentally as I thought I was, and that's the tone that's coming through in my writing.

InThisTogether - Thank you, that was extremely helpful. If my kids were 2-3 years older, I think it would be easier to explain why we will need different sets of rules in a shared household. Why can't my kids watch their iPad at dinner, or eating whatever they want instead of what I'm making. You are correct about traditional/non-traditional families as well. There's nothing that says we have to get married right away, move into one house, or play by any 'rules' when it comes to making this work.

Any blending of families is a difficult process. What I'm taking away from the responses is that it in most cases, things do improve over time as new routines are learned when involving a child on the spectrum. I also have to change some of my personal expectations from a parent and behavioral perspective, be comfortable that we may have a different set of rules to play by, and that things may take longer to evolve and mature. Most importantly, my girlfriend and I need to commit to more than just each other. We need to commit to creating a family environment that will work for everyone and allow for growth/independence/happiness/stability for all three kids.

My guess is that it won't always be that your kids will never be able to touch her son's toys. When you spent that chunk of time together, you all encountered situations that caught everybody off guard. Your girlfriend probably has to do a lot of prep work for him to prepare him for various situations (like another kid touching his toys), and just did not foresee every detail. He is also used to being the only child, and it probably didn't ever occur to him that he would be in a situation where another child would touch his toy. With time and patience, I think he too would learn to be more flexible (it would just take more time and patience than a typical kid). As far as having different rules, I think every family with a child on the spectrum encounters that. My older son (not on the spectrum) also gets very frustrated at times that I make certain allowances for my ASD child, and expresses that he does not think it is fair. I explain to him that everybody has different needs and needs to grow at their own pace. I remind him of ways that his life moves more smoothly that doesn't seem fair to my ASD child. Like, my older son gets invited to a lot of birthday parties and play dates compared to my child with ASD. This is something that my ASD child notices and feels very badly about himself over, but he just does not have the social skills that my older son has. I also explain to him that my job is to help them each grow at a pace that is appropriate for them. There are some things that come way easier for my ASD kid. Like, he has an amazing memory, is great at math and has gaming skills that surpass kids much older than him. I don't hold him back on his game levels because my older kid can't keep up, and I don't decline my older kid's play dates to save my younger son's feelings. In the same way, I can't hold back someone's life skills, or emotional maturation because the other isn't there yet either.

I think your kids will be more understanding than you think. Kids (neurotypical) tend to rise to the occasion more than we give them credit for. My older son has a life threatening peanut allergy, but attends a school where peanut butter sandwiches are served daily in the cafeteria. We had to rely on all the other young kids in his class to sit away from him if they had peanuts, wash their hands before they played with him, not share food, etc. I thought it would be disastrous. In all these years (5), we had one dangerous incident when a brand new kid did not know the protocol. When it's really important, kids can handle the responsibility of cause and effect. The more patience and understanding you have (including for your own kid's feelings that arise with this transition), the more they will have.

There is a book called "Rules" which is written from the perspective of a character whose younger brother is Autistic. It might be good for your 9 year old.

I think the advice you received to slow down the whole process is a good one. These relationships can be developed slowly, over time.