Raised by Aspergers parent

Post Reply New Topic

Oh gosh yeah even though I am autistic myself, I dunno if I will or won't pass it onto any of my future kids or not but I would still love them regardless.

I'm a singer/songwriter/musician and I am an elected Precinct Delegate as well but I am not gonna push the music or the politics thing on my future kids, but if they did take an interest in either, I would of course encourage them and all that.

Is there a chance I could make mistakes? well I know I wanna avoid mistakes, but I also understand mistakes can and will happen anyways like it or not, I mean sure my parents had their fair share of mistakes and I know such can probably happen to me too when I get married and have kids, but I know one of the things I can do as a parent when I become one someday is do my best at it, be as good a dad as I can be.

I do have a good story on this mom and daughter, both deal with depression, the daughter was suspected of being on the spectrum but she did score 20 on that one autism test where scoring 32 or higher means likely to be autistic (so she concluded she's not fully autistic per say but has autistic traits and/or tendencies), but when the daughter started punishing herself in the teenager years, the mom figured he had to be depression related and the mom knew how to help her daughter on this (like if the girl really did wrong the mom either shortened the punishment or she canceled it completely and said don't do it again, but if the girl did no wrong, punishment was totally cancelled).

Luckily this girl no longer punishes herself as she listened to the advice of her mom as well as advice of a friend on "don't be hard on yourself."

Of course indeed there are some cases where if a parent has same disability as the child the parent has ended up knowing what to do if the child has a problem and all that.

I have had the stepfather from hell and I'm pretty sure he was an NT...I don't want to negate your feelings or anything, I just think you can't say that every autistic person is a strict parent, I can't even see how he or she could be more unfair than an NT parent...I'm really a bridge between my son and the world around him, sometimes I feel like a translator... NOONE understands what he refers to when he starts speaking, people assume things that could be hurtful to him, and I am always having to correct their perception of him. I understand that you guys are NT, correct me if I'm wrong, and that what seemed to be lacking in your AS parent was the emotional support . I'm not going to take myself as an example because I'm on the wrong side of the situation to be judging my abilites in this , but I'm pretty sure my father was autistic. He had a military father, abusive and strict beyond words, his mother had died when he was 6 and he was given away by his father to his aunt for adoption. So, unhappy childhood. He could have grown up to be just like his dad, but instead he kept all his bad experiences as a reminder of what you should NEVER do with a child. He was sweet, caring, understanding, always open for discussion, and a stay at home dad who put his children before anything, even himself. My father was not perfect, he had no clue about housekeeping, let us watch TV or do whatever we wanted as long as it was safe,but we were allowed to speak up for ourselves and have a mind of our own from the moment we could put two words together. He had bad social anxiety and we learnt very early on that the sound of the doorbell meant something like "don't make any sound or they will know we're in there" , as I grew up I started to answer the door and tell people my father had gone shopping, and to leave the message to me. He didn't want me to do that very much , it made him uncomfortable to know the door was open...But I was curious to know what people wanted from us.
So maybe he wasn't perfect, but he was in no way abusive, emotionally or otherwise. It felt as though he loved us more than anything, and we were definitely daddy's girls.
It could be that AS parents are more fit to raise AS kids though. I have never been an NT child in this situation , but I can't see where I would have felt a lack in emotional support even as an NT.

"My husband's idea of meanness and roughness is me holding him wrong or holding him in the wrong position or having him holding his head up and he tells me when my our baby doesn't like how I have him in a position and tells me how to change his position"

The fact that you can't read when your baby is unhappy or uncomfortable, and that you have to rely on others to tell you about these things, should let you know that you are going to have to actively solicit help on these things as your child grows. And your child will need you to drop the defensiveness and insistence that everything is Fine Just Fine.

The things that you're pointing out as "I'm a good mom" are essentially minimum-for-safety-and-survival features. Most mothers look for more. I can assure you that most of us here who've had AS parents have all heard these protestations: You had food, you had a house, you didn't have bruises, I didn't hit you, I taught you all about this thing I care deeply about, etc. This isn't enough for parenting, though.

Most new mothers are exquisitely attuned to their babies. Any squalling, any little squeaks or tiny noises of discomfort, and the mother's adjusting the baby. Usually the mother hears, before anyone else, that the baby's up from her nap -- there's just a shift on the sheet, a sound you hear from two rooms away. Eye contact and tracking, baby talk, singing, dancing, these things go on all the time. It's a constant stream of baby-talk babble when you're alone with the baby. The body parts are already getting named for the baby: "And that's your tummy! and that's your toes, oh, toes, yes." Etc. The rocking in the jumpy bassinets, the motion provided by walking, we're keeping the babies moving when it seems to feel good to the baby, and resting when that seems to feel good to the baby. These things are developmental for the baby, and needed.

Most new mothers would also come close to dissolving in tears if their husbands said they were too rough with the baby, and not regard it as a joke. They'd really worry about it.

We all do our best, but it's important -- extremely important for the child -- to be able to recognize when your best will not be enough for the child, and get help. I'm not AS, but I'm not as social as my daughter is, and there are things she'd enjoy that others are just better with. So I've always make sure she's got lots of activities with groups and families that do those things. Same with her daycare situation when she was younger -- here it's quiet, no pets, she's an only; I had her in a familyish, somewhat rambunctious daycare with lots of animals around, where she learned to get along with lots of people, dogs, cats, you name it, and formed some really deep bonds. If you're not picking up well on your son's needs beyond survival needs, find some people who're great with kids and who'll give you feedback about what he needs, what he'd enjoy, what he responds to. And then make sure he gets it -- from other people, if need be.

Just don't shut other people down, and shut them out, certain that you're taking care of everything. Because I can tell from what you're writing here that there are signals you won't hear or see. Look for other people's help, acknowledge what you have to offer and also the limitations, and make your son the beneficiary of other people's goodwill, too.

@cubedemon, yes, League_Girl is right, language development is part of what it it's about. It actually happens remarkably quickly, which is why you'll see babies whose parents teach them to sign talking at 6-8 months (in sign language, not vocally).

That's only part of it, though. Part of it is social. The communication forms a social bond; there is mutual delight, warmth, love. The mothers are teaching the babies who the mothers are, who the babies are. It deepens the connection between them, as does the smiling. When the baby smiles, you smile too. Smile anyway. Make faces. The baby's trying to mirror you, learning expression from you.

In most people, all this happens instinctually. There's no "today I must put in some time baby-talking to the baby," it just happens, and the mothers find they just know how. I can assure you that I have not said to anyone else ever, in a high breathy voice or otherwise, "A-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! Ah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! Who's the pretty baby?" Nobody told me to do it. It was just the obvious thing to do.

@League_Girl, yes, parents who've had experience with lots of babies know tricks newbies don't. But every baby is different, every one's a different person with a different temperament and constitution, so mothers especially just learn their babies right quick. It comes of being very carefully attuned to them. It's good that you're listening to your husband. As your child gets older, you know, be open to the guidance from him and from others. I do it too -- I'm not in my native culture, and things work differently here. So when a teacher or group leader suggests to me that my daughter might like or benefit from ______, and it's something I wouldn't have thought of, I really pay attention to it, ask her encouragingly if it's something she'd be interested in, and -- if so -- arrange it. After all, I'm not from here, but my daughter is.

lol cubedemon naturally like everyone else said, in the beginning they don't understand, but when you touch their nose and say nose , after a while the neural connection forms itself naturally: nose is there, if mummy says nose that's where she will touch me, and that's my nose.
Once I had a friend , (childless) who , for a joke, said foot and touched her hand, I just about flipped out....I thought omg he's wrecking my baby, he's confusing her!! !! and guess what, the baby laughed SO hard! That's when I knew that she knew where her feet were and noone could undo it even if she couldn't say feet yet!

Like I have said before, not all AS parents are rigid, unemotional or unable to read their child. I didn't use myself in my answer before, I used my father, just to avoid the usual "you cannot judge yourself since you will be biaised (and unaware of your flaws) " answer. The way you went around my point by choosing to ignore what I posted suggests that you are bent on telling us that we are not adequate parents , you won't suffer contradiction...I find it a bit unfair.
I'm not saying that all aspies are good parents, but I know that they try their best, knowing their flaws, to correct themselves. You cannot have a child and not want the best for them, I know it may happen in the case of pathological issues , such as depression or a mental illness preventing bonding between the parent and the child, but autism is not one of those.
When I had my first child, I realised I had never loved anyone before. I had felt attraction, respect, tenderness, and conditional love for various people, but this was my first experience of unconditional adoration, the one that brings tears to your eyes when you look at your child. I didn't know I was autistic then, but I knew where my weakness was the moment he was born: I was watching him while breastfeeding him, and thinking to myself: this baby is going to need me being able to tell him I love him without dissolving into tears in front of him. Expressing my feelings was a hard thing to do, so I decided to practice while he was still too young to understand. I used to watch his eyelashes and tell him he has the most perfect eyelashes in the world, and cry my heart out. I was still high on hormones of course, so it made it harder , but with practice I learnt to tell him I loved him more than anything in the world without even choking up. Now he's 9, and we still cuddle and kiss and tell each other we love each other, and I can do it with a smile, because I know he feels loved and doesn't need it as desperately as I did as a child. I think it was the reason why I cried about it in the beginning: my mother never loved me, I could feel it as a child, she admitted to it when I was in my teens, and I was scared of not being able to make this child feel loved .
Every parent has a history, and their neurology isn't the only thing affecting the way they will raise their child. I have been raised by my loving father for around 10 years, then by my abusive and alcoholic (and NT) mother and stepfather until I left for college. I had seen parents of friends and the way they raised their children, , I've always held a diary and remember making lists of what to do and not to do when I had children, based on the way they made the child feel and how productive and counter productive those attitudes were. I am a person with a brain and a heart. Autism doesn't define the kind of parent I am , my past, my opinions, my upbringing and yes, my IQ, play a good part in it.

Ediself is right, neurology is only one of many factors that affect one's ability to parent. While this thread has been a positive one for many people, it cannot become a place that attacks AS parents for simply being AS and having to deal, in the context of a family, with some of the difficulties that causes. Wrong Planet is a support site for people who have AS, first and foremost. Understanding how AS can create issues for kids may be important for AS parents to see, but only to the point where it provides them useful information. This isn't the place for someone to take their crusade against their own crappy parent who happened to have AS. Many factors go into making someone a crappy parent, and AS is not the biggest possible one.