Are you scared to have more children?

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I have always wanted 3+ kids. After my son, i was ready to give that dream up. Why? Cause he was so hard. He was an easy baby and toddler. Skipped terrible two's, but as he got older, the tantrums started. I did not know he had AS back then, so i actually just based it on having another kid that was hard to handle. Well...that faded cause i wanted another child. I got a girl and not once thought how bad her behaviors could be. Guess what? She was WORSE! Not behaviorwise at all. She is not on the spectrum. She was a very curious little girl and anything she could get her hands on, she tried her best to get to. She was/is our destroyer of the family. It wasn't til a couple years after her that we got his dx. I decided two was enough and got a tubal. I so regret it now. I wish i could have more kids or at least one more. I am not afraid of how my AS son will turn out. I am scared to death how my NT daughter will turn out!

I know that feeling!

Seriously, my AS son difficult in more manageable ways than my NT daughter is difficult. Now, in our family, he was the all-consuming-exhaust-you-to-death baby, and she was the perfect one, but as they've grown he is really secure in his own skin, and she is ... not. His tantrums are sensory triggered, and we've learned to prevent them. Hers are sensitivity triggered, and you can say the most normal thing in the world - to you - and she'll get all upset. He can't lie, it shows all over his face. She is first class at deception. And so on. I really don't know how it will all play out, but it does give one perspective to realize that nothing is ever predictable, and you've just got to go with it.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 12 Oct 2009, 12:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I apologize if my first post was harsh.

This is something I have been grappling with since May.

I do wonder how prevalent autism is in subsequent children -- because I am guessing many parents struggle with the same things. Child spacing comes into play; until he was 2-ish I was pretty in the dark about my son having any spectrum issues. I just knew he needed WAY too much of my attention to add on a sibling.

The whole situation hit us like a brick wall. No one in my family has been diagnosed. My biggest worry was asthma; I laugh at that now. But our dev. pedi. did mention that w/ Asperger's tends to run in families. We are seeing a genetic counselor (a little late in the game). I have a sneaking suspicion that my little brother may have had a few spectrum traits. Not enough to garner notice in our childhood (excitability, slight flapping, minimal convo-talk, special interests). He's a doctor now.

My son is lovable and sociable. I love him so much it hurts. Even if I knew 100% what was to come, I would have had him.

He's never struck me as more difficult that NT peers. But he can't carry on a 2-way conversation in the jabbering 'endless question' manner of most 3 year olds. He hates coloring/drawing ... can barely bribe circles out of him. He has no interest in things like riding bikes. He lacks the "show off" gene ... until you put him in front of something like a computer learning game ... he is loathe to display his skills. Then you are shocked by how much he knows.

There are days when I totally forget there are any problems at all. But I am haunted by the pregnancy and the spinning of the wheel. I cried when I found out I was carrying a daughter ... because I knew it cut the risk down a little for Aspergers. Then we visited an integrated preschool and all the autistic kids were girls.

I feel guilt at not having joy for this pregnancy. Guilt at knowing I will watch her like a hawk. That I will fear every innoculation. That I will compare her to her brother. That I will be unstable and wrecked if she is in the AS grasp. That if she presents on the extreme end, I will not be able to handle it. And I will become useless to my son, who needs me so much, who has been blossoming so much.

And I guess, in the end, we take it one day at a time. One foot forward.

I am currently close to 8 months pregnant. I have 2 NT kids, 6 and 8 and 13 yr old stepson with ASD. I had an amniocentesis and as part of that, you have to meet with a genetic counselor beforehand. I was more worried about the amnio causing a miscarriage than anything else.

Well, we went through my and my husband's genetic history, the counselor had this grid he used for the family members. It came up that my SS has ASD. The counselor said I shouldn't have concerns because it is a different mix of genes this time (different mother) but he also said it's very rare. Later the amnio showed I was carrying a girl and the odds went even further down.

Does that mean I have no concerns whatsoever? No of course I do but as far as I'm concerned, there were always quirky kids in school, they just didn't have a name for it, they were just quirky and a little odd, maybe a little socially off. I know there are different extremes, but with my SS, his troubles are mainly social.

The genetic counselor did seem to be of the belief that ASD is related to the X and said my SS is probably autistic from his mother but that was just his personal belief.

Now today my husband is busy at the library and my SS, who is with his mother, has called no less than 20 times in 3 hours. I've told him his dad is at the library, he says 'ok' and then calls again 10-20 minutes later. He has severe separation anxiety from both parents, when he is with Dad he is calling Mom and vice versa. Yes, he has oddities but I am getting used to them. Would I be a little freaked out if my daughter was not talking until age 4, as was the case with my SS? Yes, but I would be proactive and do something about it. My SS's parents never did anything about it, they still have never gotten him any therapy and he struggles socially but that is another story. I think if he had gotten therapy, particularly in social skills, (he has long one-way conversations about his obsessions and can't read people's faces, so he doesn't know when to stop), etc, he would have been fine.

Now it was odd, my husband was excited about the baby but a little detached. I said to him one day 'how come it seems like you are not very excited about the baby?' and he said he was worried about both scenarios, if the baby had ASD or if it didn't. He said if it has ASD, he said his son was and still is a lot of work and it does make him sad to see other kids sans the social problems when his son struggles so bad and he also said, if the baby were fine, he is worried it will make his son feel bad.

I think the odds are still quite low but I'm having a tubal when this baby is born as I have all the kids I can possible handle!

I wouldnt want another child my self. My first has asperger's and i thought that having another would be damaging to him and I was right. And my second son has autism, So for the sake of my two I already have I wouldnt want to bring another child into our lifes because they need enough of me already, it wouldnt be fair to them.

And I think that the whole finding out while pregnant is a great idea. Only for the purpose of preparing your self and learning more about autism spectrum and how to keep them comfortable and happy people.

I dont think its wrong because when you become pregnant they test you for all disease and even down syndrome and thats for everyone. It would be a great heads up and then you could already find all of the support you need even before it is here. Thats why there is birth to three and other services.

I can't speak as someone who has an Autistic Spectrum baby, as my little one is too young to really be seeing traits of AS differing from baby phazes all babies have. It is doubtful she is Autistic in a sever way though at this stage.

What I can tell you is that I have AS myself, and it runs RAMPANT through my extended family, so we are obviously very strong carriers of whatever genetic aspects are involved. So myself and my husband thought long and hard, not about whether we would have a baby or not the first time, but what we could do during pregnancy to minimise the risks. And we are doing the same this time.

For example, I was advised in my case to use more folic acid than normal, and put on a specific selection of vitamins, and DHA oils. When my baby was born I breastfed her, as breastmilk has a very low quantity of casien in it compared to all other milks and formulas, and she was breastfed exclusively fro 8 mths, before introducing a gluten free casien free diet to compliment the milk. Our specialist will allow her some milk and bread when she is two and run tests to see if she is sensative, but the theory is that if she is, a lot of damage would already have been done while her gut is that delicate and permiable.

It took a LONG while to find them, but there are ways to help minimise risks. And before anyone gets mad at me, I am a happy aspie. By minimise risks I mean I wanted to make sure she was as high functioning and content as possible should she be on teh spectrum, to have as much of the benefits and as few of the negative aspects as possible.

So in summary of my somewhat longwinded post. We did have a reason to be quite concerned about the genetic aspects, but we decided we didn't care. We take all precautions we can not to allow our little babies (I am pregnant with the second) to develop in any way that will make life harder, but the AS in general we are delighted to accept.

FIngers crossed Baby no 1s tests will go well and we can introduce an easier diet to her though. :p I have always been too lazy for the GF/CF diet myself so it's awkward! (Especially when my gran tries to feed her chocolate cake!!)

wow I wish I could get my SS on a different diet because I suspect it doesn't help things. He eats almost exclusively carbs, no protein and just tons and tons of chocolate, I mean everything has to be chocolate right down to his breakfast cereal. If he goes out to eat it's a chocolate chip pancake or waffle with chocolate milk. If he goes out to dinner he'll always order something like fettuccine alfredo and the biggest chocolate dessert, like a molten lava cake. He was exclusively breast fed by his mom but the signs were there early on, he never babbled, never crawled, never had interest in his environment, even after he could walk. With my 2 NT kids, I went back to work, wasn't successful at pumping, and they had formula, but they were babbling at 3-4 months, crawling at 5 and walking at 7 months. I think some kids are probably highly allergic but they just weren't. I have asked my husband to take my SS to an allergist but he won't buy into all the 'diet' beliefs. He seems to have dark circles under his eyes often and is quite overweight. I have daydreamed about changing his diet and seeing great changes but my hands are tied as I am not his mom or dad.

Anyhow, I have 6 weeks to go until my baby is born, I have no idea what to expect. It's very strange because with my first 2 pregnancies, I never really thought about these things.

I want to thank both of you for your posts. I read these to my husband this morning and your thoughts seem to have triggered some healing in our family. My husband has had trouble coping and has noticably detached himself from my daughter ever since her diagnosis. Your posts got us talking about my stepdaughter, who is NT...was an easy child...and has turned into a nightmare as she's gotten older. Our experience with the NT stepdaughter vs. the aspie daughter is very similar to DW's. I think that the discussion triggered by these comments finally got my husband to look past having a disabled child and helped him to see that she really is just a child with different kinds of gifts. He spent several hours with our daughter today...and I just found a note on the table that he wrote to her challenging her to a card game after school tomorrow. For the first time in months, I'm feeling like things are going to be ok between the two of them. This board has been such a blessing:)

Thank YOU for sharing that. My participation here (and accepting the status of being a mod) has caused a little friction in our house, because I'm already overloaded on outside commitments - none of which pay - but there is a reason I do it, and its good to know that the participation pays off somewhere for someone. Pay it forward!

I have a 2 y - old HFA (at least it seems to her psicologist for now) daughter and my wife is pregnant I can't fear myself, we are a weird family so probably I have less emotional impact on AS.

DW your participation here is invaluable I know how easy it is for life to get out of balance sometimes, but I just want to say out loud (well, in writing) how appreciated you are. Also, I share your sentiments about paying it forward...its a beautiful value.

Years ago, when my son was a baby, I heard I believe on Maury Povich (of all places)...
"Never have more children than you are capable of raising."

Through our trials & tribulations... and with me and my own personal neurological disarray, I decided it was best not to have any more kids. No, it's not because I view Aspergers, ADHD, emotional instability, learning disabilities, social immaturity, tics etc as defective. It is because "I" am the one lacking what it would take to pull it off in a manner that would leave a positive impression on my children.

I feel the pain of this decision every single time my son says that he wishes he had a brother or a sister. I feel like I've left him to dangle alone, long after I'm gone. However, if I were to have another child, my son would receive even less of what he needs, and we cannot afford that.

I view Autism with a keen interest. I admire my son for many, many things that without neurological differences, I may have never known. However, to bring another child into the world, possibly with autism, would simply be too much for me to handle. Perhaps "I" am the one who's defective. Perhaps, no one will ever know the pain in my son's eyes as he's ping ponged around, yet not getting the support at school that he needs. I wouldn't want to see, on purpose, yet another child put into this position. Not because the child is defective, but because the world is.

+1, thank you!