How is your child rude?

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My 10 year old stepson with AS can be very rude but I think a lot of kids are rude because they haven't learned about little white lies...for example, relatives were watching him while we went to a movie and when we came back to pick him up we asked "Did you have fun with your aunt and uncle?" and he replied "No, I was REALLY BORED...I couldn't wait for you to get back!"

I could see it hurt my aunt and uncle's feelings because they had been trying to entertain him...but my stepson was clueless.

On the other hand, he can be very polite but it is in a rehearsed/fake sounding way. He'll ask every day "how was your day at work" even on days when I don't go to work but I've been away from home for a few hours. It's like he's been told it is polite to ask about a person's day so he'll always do it. However, if I actually tell him about my day, he shows no interest in what I've said what-so-ever.

I'm new to the forum, but in the short amount of time I have explored this site, I realize that I'm not alone. I also realize that people with AS share so many of the same symptoms. Today I have a son that reads "War and Peace" voluntarily for school while at the same time does not know how act appropriately with his siblings and with his parents in casual settings. Outside of academia, his biggest struggle is doing things that endear himself to others, rather than push others further away.

My experience is somewhat unique. This uniqueness has added great difficulty to a situation that might be more easily managed.

I adopted my son at a age 2 after I married his mother. His birth father was not interested in raising his son which cleared the way for the adoption. Unfortunately, 3 years later his mother and I divorced when our son was 5, but I retained custody of him and his half-sister (my first biological child) and have since remarried. From the age of 5 to 10, my wife and I dealt with his behavior and mostly wrote it off as immaturity, while his birth mother saw the children in 2 or 3 week blocks a few times per year.

My aspie is the oldest of my 4 children now. After two rough years with him while he was 10 and 11, our pediatrician suggested we have him seen at Stanford. He was diagnosed with AS at Stanford as an 11-year old (although he does not acknowledge his diagnosis as legitimate). It's very difficult now to distinguish what parts of his sullenness and negativity are caused by AS, what is caused by his life situation, and what is caused by his age. He has just recently begun launching comments like "you're not my father, you're not my mother, I don't belong here, etc." I feel that he is very disillusioned with where he's at in life.

He seems to complain incessantly about the "stuffy" air in the car, how traveling in an airplane gives him a headache, about having to make an extra stop at the store on the way home from church, about not being able to access the internet, about the unfairness of having to clean his room or bathroom.

He's the kind of kid that would complain while he was at Disneyland, or while eating at this favorite restaurant. He has the ability to be a "downer" in almost every situation. I really feel bad for him, because I see him being a very negative person in life.

I think that pre-diagnosis, my relationship with him was damaged due to my lack of knowledge on dealing with somebody with AS. The carrot and stick approach failed to work with him and probably really set us back a lot. I really think that using social stories as a youngster would have helped him understand things better.

The outbursts that were so frequent as a 8-11 year old have morphed into a sullen, almost detestation for my wife and I. I think he really feels that we are the bad people in his life and would like to hang a lot of his troubles on us. I try to point out that if he was right, he wouldn't have similar issues with peers, teachers, etc. His denial of having AS really doesn't allow us to make constructive moves toward bringing him around and trusting us as people that can help him.

Discussing with him that it is inappropriate to "talk-back" is pointless. When told to stop doing something (e.g. playing rough with his younger siblings). His typical and repeated response is "I didn't do anything wrong." He really lacks the capability of exercising first-time obedience or simply the ability to leave a situation that has time-after-time escalated and caused him 10x the original trouble.

My wife and I have really worked hard behind the scenes to make life better for him at school. Pairing him with understanding teachers has really helped him feel comfortable. In one way or another, he has learned to steer clear of bullies. NT type friendships escape him, but he knows no difference.

Does any parent or aspie have any input that might help us? We've got a strained relationship today that isn't getting better. It's quieter that it used to be, but our relationship is no better. I feel that the longer things continue like this, the more vilified I will be in his mind and the less likely we'll ever have a relationship in the future.

Thanks in advance for any responses.

just want to say how much this site helps me at the end of many an exhausting day.....am trying to get my son interested, but as of yet he shows no interest.
About the rude thing, i so often think jacob just says things how they are!! isnt this the way we should all be, at least we'd all know where we stand, the problem with j is often he responses are in a very condescending tone, alot of people especially teachers do not appreciate this..yet alot of the time technically he is correct, just not socially.
One of our latest..i'm taking Jacob to london this weekend for a treat, and on putting the computer on to check out whats on he harshly told me "I'M NOT INTERESTED OK, I'D RATHER WATCH A SOAP OPERA" as usual i was gobsmacked and hurt that he could be so bloody ungrateful, but on reflection i know he watches his programmes everynight and dosent like to defer from his routine, i guess i wish he was able to tell me in a nicer way, but a little understanding goes along way, and trying to tell him hes in the wrong would result in a four hour debate and a possible melt down, so best to let him know tomorrow at a certain time were loooking a the computer. Wll all i can say is im learning endless patience, and alot about warhammer!!

My son is very polite, in that he always asks "please", or says "thankyou." However, people often think him rude, because he is incapable of hiding his feelings, and is not very good at telling lies. For example, an ex colleague of mine told a lie about himself to impress a client, and my son heard him tell this lie and believed it to be the truth. Later that same day the ex colleague did something which proved he was a liar. My son was shocked and said, "but don't you...." (insert lie). My ex colleague then believed that my son was being rude and judgemental, when in fact he was simply bewildered as to why someone would tell a lie.

Similarly, he is very literal, and cannot tell jokes, though (God help him) he's been trying to work it out for years. A while ago he was being overly fussy and I said to him, "you're not my mother," and he said, "no, I'm not dead." Which for some reason upset me (though logically it shouldn't have done, since I know my mother's dead. But other people at the time thought it was an insensitive comment, so perhaps for a moment I was being NT.) He was trying to make a joke, and didn't understand why I was upset to be reminded that my mother had died.

My father tells me that my son's humour is "arid", so dry it chokes you, and many people tell me that they don't know what's worse, my son trying to be funny, or my son responding naturally with complete lack of response to humour. As you can see, the poor boy cannot win. It may be some years yet before he works out humour. At the moment it is hideously painful.

Yet despite this, most people tell me that he's a very polite, mature child, "professorial," "mature for his age", and "sensitive."

So I'm not sure I'd say he is rude, though his manners are sometimes "off." There is a difference between "off kilter" and "rude." I imagine most of us are off kilter at times. I know my son and I certainly are.

We try to teach my son the difference between honest and mean. It seems best to just give examples.

We run into the lack of gratitude issue a lot. This drives my husband nuts because he had very little as a kid, and he tries so hard to make sure that our kids do not want for anything important and to do fun activities with them.

The condescending tone gets my oldest into a lot of trouble at home. He has no leg to stand on as far as trying to make it sound as if he is more intelligent than either parent, but sometimes does it anyway. I can only imagine it does not help him win any friends at school either.

People don't usually think of my likely-AS daughter as being rude but being socially a little "clueless." (That is the word that is often used.) She is into inappropriate hugging, meaning that instead of a short hug with people like teachers or family friends she wants to do these full-on, nearly tackle you hugs and hold them for much longer than most NTs find comfortable.

She is very honest, and this is seen as rudeness by some people. When my mother-in-law died last year, my grandmother-in-law was distraught at losing her only child. Noor went right up to her, and, in an effort to show empathy, said, "hey, I bet you're kind of sad now because your daughter died." She was being honest, and I truly do think she was trying to empathize, but it came across as quite insensitive.

Usually, if Noor has something explained to her she can be very sweet.

It's an ongoing project.

Adam

I'm often rude, and don't notice until after or someone points it out. I just blurt out things without really thinking about what other people might feel. It happens a lot if I try to make a joke about something, I guess they just don't get my sense of humor.