my friend hates my kid :-(

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Your son sounds like he would really enjoy taking a class in karate. It might provide an appropriate outlet for his desire to wrestle in addition to teaching him integrity, self esteem, etc. and how to wrestle safely.

Martial arts does seem like the thing to try. Some others have recommended akido, but I'll keep karate in mind too.

Being slightly annoyed at bad behavior, momentarily, is different from a generalized dislike of your son. What I thought I would see in your input was that you had canned your "friend". My son loves adults because he has always been treated kindly by them all his life. We are constantly on guard against bad influences or negative input or looks from anyone toward our child. None have occurred. I would remove them or ourselves from the situation should anything negative occur. If in public, and if we were at fault, I would apologize and stand between my son and them. If it were their fault, I would directly confront them and remove them. I still can't believe how many people (from posts of rude adults toward the child - not from personal experience) don't realize the sacred bond of parent and child. Live by this: Have all beware of Mama Bear. Have them positively fear Papa Bear. Filter out, whether they be relatives or not, any negative influences in your child's life. Your bond with your child is sacred....no other bond comes before this.

Well, you know, everyone has to do what feels right for their own family and there are no "rules" that apply to everyone. You can only speak for yourself.

As it happens, the next time we went to the potluck, my friend -- whom I have known for a great many years, long before I had a child -- commented on how gentle my son was with her boys, who are much younger and don't yet know not to bite and throw things. I think she was sorry about having lost her temper and I appreciated her noticing my son's good points. And I'm glad that we haven't had to give up a social event that all three of us in the family enjoy.

I spoke this to you because of this statement: " I just hate the feeling that she really can't stand him."

It was this generalized hatred that you had conveyed. Perhaps you were too strong with your statement. If your statement was correct, then my reply was correct.

Hmmm...deja vu...my wife tells me the same thing

Please remember, the advise (which you had asked for) is just that. You are on an Aspie forum, albeit in the parents section, but Aspies are going to answer. You must expect answers that you feel are too direct, or without tact. You also must realize that it just maybe your opinion that what I had said was not a fact or a general rule (I don't see how you could argue with it's content). I think you are objecting to how this information was presented, and not the truth or validity of the comment. I also ( I really am not sure) think that maybe you think the post was aimed directly at you...other than the part about how I thought you would have canned your friend.

I assure you, my aim was general and designed to help parents prioritize their relationships. The thrust of my statement was that...Your child comes first..over anyone else. I hope you don't disagree with that.

My whole purpose for being on this forum is to pay back those who have helped my son. I owe a great debt to my state and to the providers of my son's ABA therapy. The only way I can repay that is to help others with similar circumstances... I try to help anyone in need - I specialize in being a busybody - I have a lot of life experience in general...and not because of my age (50 yrs), but because of my direct experience in life. I've come to know myself, as well as others, during times of high physical/psychological stress as well as physical deprivation and endurance. Under those circumstances, the facades are too expensive to maintain, and so, are dropped. You see the human condition in its raw entirety. There are similarities in how humans think and react, and generalizations can, in fact, be derived from them. You are NT. I know how NTs work. Just because I may not be one of them doesn't mean I cannot know, from experience, how they operate. I know what people are doing, it is just that I constantly get astounded about why they do those things ( many times I simply don't know why ).

I am a simple man, with, yes, a simple mind. It is because of this that I operate with general rules. That is how I predict outcomes. People follow general patterns because people are driven by only two basic drives:

1) The Pursuit of Pleasure

2) The Aversion to Pain

I categorize people as The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...sorry...that was a movie Lets see...Good, Bad, and Confused or Indifferent. The Confused ( oh boy..this is going to start another argument isn't it? ), I try to help because it is my nature. I never try to do it with malice. I am direct and I generalize. Again, it is done to help.

So, with all I have said in mind...it is your thread...should you not want me to post under your threads in the future... All you need do is say so in the next post...I then shall not post in The Pink Hippo's threads in the future. However, I think you will miss out on all my judgemental, overly direct and overly generalized comments

Kuma, while I agree that the parent / child relationship is primary, I disagree with the concept of rooting out everyone in your life that could have difficulty with that child. All relationships, of all sorts, involve disagreements and rocky spots and if you don't learn to work them out or work around them well, then, basically you end up in your last years with no relationships left. Maybe that is OK with you, but it is not OK with me. Most of us need people in our lives beyond our kids and if we over-prioritize our kids, there is no guarantee they will forever prioritize us back. We raise them so they will fly away, after all.

I am thrilled to hear that your family has enjoyed great progress with your AS child, and that you want to share what has worked for you, but you have to keep in mind that it remains ONLY what has worked for YOU, your unique family, and your unique child. When you share ideas as your opinions, fine, but always phrase in remembrance of the simple fact that what worked for you may not work for someone else. Trying to give advice and help others isn't an ego boosting activity; in fact, over time, it gets rather humbling as you discover how complex life really is and how often there is little you can offer.

We are all here to share. We've all had different successes and different failures and the idea is to learn from each other, and not follow any one parent with maybe / maybe not best answers.



PS - Willaful does not consider herself NT. It's right there in her signature.

I do hear you. However, when I said I would filter out negative influences, it was in the context of someone hating my child and demonstrating that hatred through their actions...that would manifest itself in many ways and many times ...not filter out those who "could have difficulty" with my child.

Even if it were merely an ego boosting exercise I am engaging in (which I am not, as a primary motive,...but then again, I wouldn't realize it...it would be subconscious ), wouldn't the actions resulting in actually helping others, regardless of motive, be the effect desired?

I know, in this case it went askew. I really didn't mean to offend. I sincerely meant what I had posted about letting her decide if I should continue posting on her threads. If she says no...then it is no..and I will forever not post on any of her threads.

So far as even wanting them to over prioritize us back...definitely not. His family will become his priority...not us. That is the way it should be. I am preparing for the day when he flies on the wings of an eagle. But as a parent...he shall always be top priority in my life...as his children shall be in his life.

My experiences are just that. My reply seemed extreme because of the alarming post about her friend yelling at him and how she felt that her friend couldn't stand her son. Those are very strong words. I never told her what to do...other than the filtering out...I said..and meant, "I would". That in itself is indicative of an opinion, and so, not a general rule. I put out what has worked for us so others may make an informed decision. The only general rules I had put forth were:
Your child comes first...over any one else.
To filter out the negative influences in your child's life (not just momentary strifes).

I really don't think any one could disagree with those general rules. Please be aware that a general rule does not mean the same as a Golden Rule. There are exceptions in life and a general rule makes allowances for them.

Touche...I had missed her signature. Noted and awaiting her reply.