New Parent Confession & Concern for 10 yr Old Daughter

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Thanks DW. I think it is important to try and work with my husband. I truly believe that my husband is a very high functioning Aspie himself although I have never pointed this out to him. He is so critical of himself, that I just don't want him to think that I am criticizing him. I am wondering if this is why it is so hard for him to want to read about AS because it hits too close to home.

The verbal outbursts my son has are not really meltdowns or tantrums. They are more like verbal stimming. I think he just really likes to hear his voice. He loves to sing really loud at times too. I think he is just having fun and being a kid for the most part, but I think my husband just reaches a breaking point on the noise levels. I think I am going to talk to him about letting it be ok for my son to do his "thing" when I am at home with him and explain to my son that when dad gets home in the evenings, then you have to quieten down when dad asks you too. I am not going to sit and punish my son all day long for this. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to reply. I am slowly but surely trying to work on my husband, but it becomes difficult at times, and I just have to get the frustration off of my chest.......

I need to preface my reply by saying that I do not believe in spanking in any circumstances, ever. I don't believe there is any such thing as "moderate" spanking.

I take the view of Alice Miller on spanking. I believe that it is always harmful, that it perpetuates violence and creates fear and humiliation in a child. Who will then need to release these feelings somewhere, most likely onto their child.

Every moment is a teaching moment. Spanking is about control. You are not teaching with the use of corporal punishment, you are controlling. And there's no use debating with me on this point, for those who spank, because I am totally committed to it.

That said, Lilliansmom, you've recognized that what you did was wrong and I commend you for it. Obviously, you were spanked as a child and you learned that "bratty, defiant kids" are something to be controlled. You learned this, which is why it runs so deep in you and you once found it hard to control in yourself.

Your daughter will be fine and can heal from the past as long as you are honest with her about what happened. As long as you have the courage to be completely honest, you and she can heal.

Parenting is hard, and it's even harder to resist doing what was done to us, but you have proven that you are strong and can turn a new leaf. Understand that it was done to you, and forgive yourself.

Take a parenting class, read books on discipline without punishment, spend time with other parents who don't spank.

You're doing great!

Here's a link to Alice Miller's website incase you are interested: http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php

I think we're married to the same man....and my DH sees no humor in my comments that I think he also has Asperger's. My daughter is now almost 8, and DH is finally starting to get it. We had a similar conversation the other day - I was at my wit's end with our daughter - we had not had a pleasant day. I asked him if he felt that I/we didn't discipline her properly, if she was just spoiled, if we physical punishment was what was needed (I was venting, not actually considering it - I experienced physical punishment first hand as a child and know the devestation that it causes). His reply was "I used to think that way, but I don't anymore".
What's changed? I wish I knew - I think part of it has been that he has begun to accept the fact that she's not like other kids in many ways.....finally starting to accept all the things that the school, psychologists, therapists, etc., have been pointing out and realizing that she won't "grow out of it", has finally started to accept that there are things that she cannot control and that when she can do better she will do better. That some of the things that are natural and inherent to other children simply aren't for her and that she needs to be taught to better manage. I wish you the best of luck - tension over this nearly ended our marriage.

Thanks Gardengirl-
It helps to know that I am not alone. I am working on getting better about not sharing every little thing that goes wrong during the day with my husband, because it just makes him mad, and I think he does blame himself sometimes for my son's behavior. I just try my best to educate him in little doses about what is going on with our son, and hope that it will get through one day. I think the hard part for him is that he does not see our son in the interactions with peers like I do. Overall, our son is pretty good, and when it is just the 3 of us, he comes across as "almost normal"
But, it is when he is with his peers that it is soooooo apparent that he is different. I am trying to learn to be more patient with my husband and hopefully, he will come around in his own way and time. In the meantime, I just take it one day at a time. Good luck to you also!

That's it exactly! Other than the outbursts (DH has them too, although they are more "adult" and controlled, and he really is unable to recognize them for what they are), our daughter appears almost "normal" within the scope of our family as well. Challenging, yes - maybe just a little more intense than the rest of us. We do have a 6 YO son who while still posessing what I will call "engineer brain", does behave a lot differently than his sister. Both DH and I are engineers - I would say that he is more of a "theoretical" or possibly abstract engineer (he does software control systems for electrical systems/somponents for autos) where I am more of a concrete or practical sort of an engieer (environmental engineer), but we both have that engineering mind set. And, I think that a lot of people would agree that almost all engineers have what I would call a sprinkling of autism, so she really doesn't seem that different to us. However, when she is with peers, it is quite apparently just how awkward she is - she doesn't quite seem to fit into the typical mold.
And yes, guilt does play a big part of it - I had PPD after she was born and while I devoted myself to loving her and taking very good care of her, I myself was a mess. I've often thought that some of her issues were because she somehow sensed the depression that I had and didn't properly "attach" - which isn't the case, but when your child is different and they are experiencing a lot of difficulties because of it, you want so much to be able to fix it and to figure out why it is. In reality, it is what it is and you have to accept it and move forward.

Yeah, my husband has a degree in math and computer engineering. He is a software engineer. He is the type that gets every question on Jeopardy right. I did very well in school, my degree is in accounting. I never really enjoyed it that much, as I also have a creative side to me as well. I ended up going into retail management which was better for my personality. My husband is definitely the more introverted type, while I am more outgoing and social. My son is VERY social with adults, so unless you see him around other kids, it is hard to tell that he is that different. My mother in law still thinks every thing is fine with our son. I just decided to go along with her since she hardly ever sees him, and every time I ever tried to bring up any concerns with her, she just blew them off, and made me feel like a worry wart.

As far as the bonding, I did not have my son until I was 40, and I had wanted children so bad my whole life, so when he came along, I became a stay at home mom, and was totally in heaven with my son. I breastfed him and spent lots and lots of time bonding with him. I showered him with attention. So, the theory about not attaching well to the mother doesn't really hold water for me. I guess in some instances, it could play a part, but I don't think it is the reason.

I don't agree with the not bonding thing either - guilt and being a parent who is looking for a solution (hey, I am an engineer - I like to problem solve) can make you think screwy things.......

It's interesting the individual responses from this post. It's one of the things that makes me feel like I too is/was on the autism spectrum because I have this intuitive understanding for my nonverbal 3yo, to meet him where he is, and I am so thankful. It gives me great patience with him (I was mid-thirties when I had him, my first and only, all through my life up until the day I had him I was afraid that I wouldn't have the patience for a child) and even though I may not challenge him enough, I know that he knows he is loved. One time when I was about 10 I heard my grandfather say "give me the child 'til 7, and I'll give you the man" and that made such an impression on me, I'll never forget it. I'm sorry to read that your daughter endured let's face it, some abuse, BUT! It sounds like now that things have gotten better, that she realizes how good things are getting and how bad they can get, which is calming her down and helping her to grow in other areas. Lotsa hugs, you've done a phenomenal job "fixing" yourself and it's time focus on your dd NOW, that's what she NEEEEDS.

In attempting to split this thread I accidentally moved instead of copied the original post by momsparky, part of which needs to stay in this thread, as follows:

The rest of her post and the new thread is here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2947516.html#2947516

My apologies for fumbling with my tools