bullying at high school

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My 14yo son was diagnosed at 13. He's still in the process of learning what the diagnosis means to him.

In primary school he was bullied relentlessly by stupid heads who knew that his reaction would be violent. This provided them with some twisted form of entertainment and got my son into all sorts of trouble with authority.

You can't control what other people say and do. The only person you can control is YOU.

We, endlessly, taught this to our son. If we told him a million times, then we've told him a million more times. I believe he's starting to realise the benefits of this attitude. When bullies are ignored, they tend to get bored and move on...pitiful creatures that they are. Yes, I pity bullies.

His only bullies now are some teachers & Aides and this stems from taking his behaviours personally, and ignorance.

As far as disclosure goes, I, as his mum, have been the self appointed educator of school staff. That is, only the staff members who work with him. I know this will be on going because staff come and go and change every year.

I don't care to be friends with his teachers or the Principal. If they don't like me, or feel like they have to check their conduct when I'm around, then I feel I'm doing a good job in advocating for my son.

My son is the one who's in control of who he shares with amongst his peers. School staff are aware of this and know not to cross me. I know how the education system works, knowledge is power and I'm not afraid to use it. I've had to develop this attitude in order to have them take me seriously. Mrs Nice Guy wasn't working out.

Please don't let any one tell you what's best for your daughter. Only you and her will truly know what's best. People who work in education are working for you. They are public servants. Without our children they wouldn't have jobs.

Take the reins and don't let any one intimidate you into letting things happen against your better judgment.

Thank you all for your advice and thoughts. I have written the letter, and asked to follow it up with a meeting. I've asked if they could designate some space, outside, where my daughter could sit on her own, to give her a break from the other kids. As well as suggesting a reading room. Fingers crossed. Thank heavens we are nearing the end of term.

I think the fact the library is shut at lunch time to be pathetic. And the school thinks they're doing everything right? The school should be closed down in my opinion because it is run so poorly. For years, since I was 5, (20 years ago) kids have used the library to get away from hardships at lunchtime. It's absolutely terrible that the school is so irresponsible. The fact they have no consideration for children going through a hard time absolutely disgusts me.

I really think the principal of this terrible school should read this thread.

Is there any way your daughter can disappear from that hell hole completely at lunchtimes? TBH if it was my child I would demand they give my child a lunch pass if they were too useless to accomodate for victims of bullying or I would complain to the board of Trustees.

I would never, ever let a school get away with bad management if my child was involved, God only help the day if I eve have kids.. they have another thing coming. The letter and meeting is a good start. If they don't listen to you, complain to someone with authority over them.

I know just how you're feeling. I have been there myself with my daughter. She was bullied through primary school. So much so that I had to take her out and put her into a different school. Same thing happened at secondary school. I had to move her because she was so unhappy. The second one was better but she still got the mocking from her 'friends' that you talk about. This got worse when she told them that she was being assessed for Asperger's.

Her diagnosis coincided with another school change. (All children change here at 16). The special ed teacher suggested that the class be told about the diagnosis and my daughter agreed to it. It was done like this: they had a whole lesson on autism and Asperger's and what that meant. This lesson was done by the school psychologist. They then informed the class that my daughter was Asperger's and she got to tell them the sorts of things that she particularly finds difficult and they got to ask questions and stuff.

Telling her class has really worked for us. They have taken it all on board and now go out of their way to support her. Things like, they know now that she finds it very difficult to sit and eat lunch alone but that she cannot just walk upto a group and sit with them. So she never has to, she gets called over to sit with them. Or, they know that she doesn't pick up important info and gets in a pickles, so she gets half a dozen text messages of an evening from different class mates reminding her that the first lesson is in a different room tomorrow/homework for x lesson needs to be handed in tomorrow and such like. For the first time ever, my daughter actually likes going to school.

It is important to remember though that she agreed to this course of action. Also that we don't know what these kids would have been like if they hadn't been told as they were told pretty much from the start. And finally, she is 16 and on a course solely for very, very clever and dedicated children, who possibly have more in common with her than your average school kid.

I replied to this without reading all the replies, sorry I'm so tired I can't focus. But I've just noticed a couple of things we have experienced which may have contributed to my daughter being happy for the first time at school.

PE - This was a complete nightmare for her. Getting changed, performing in front of others, the whole thing. My daughter is now exempt from normal PE lessons. The class have been told the reasons why, so she doesn't get any meanest because of it. She now has a lesson with just her and the PE teacher, for half an hour once a week. For the first few months they just went for a walk together, to build trust. Now she goes to the fitness gym and is learning how to use the equipment. She loves the rowing and cycling machines.

Library/quiet room - my daughter has been given a key to the first aid room. There is a bed in there and a sofa. She can take herself off there whenever she needs too. She has never needed to, just knowing she can is enough.

I wish I could magic my daughter out of where she is now and arrange something like that. That sounds a really intelligent way of dealing with it. Options for changing school where we are are pretty limited. But maybe I should see which, if any, have spare places. And if they have, ask if they have any AS children whose parents would be willing to talk to me and let me know what the school is like. (Because I want to hear what parents and their children think, not what the teachers think, as there seems to be a fair amount of wishful thinking out there).
I'm feeling very down ... sent her back off to school today, (I'd kept her off for a couple of days following her small explosion as she was in such a state, and because I knew the other kids would give her a hard time about it), and she faced a lot of abuse, including being called a psychopath.
Have arranged meeting with the teacher.

As everyone else said, do not let that guy tell her friends! I cant even see the logic of wanting her friends to know that info! In my life time I have told Three, THREE people about being an AS.

#1: A friend in high school. I knew him for three years. After he found out it was over in a week.

#2: Was from my 1st job. knew him for five years and after I told him he ran. I made him talk to me about it after a few monthes and he sad he got a DUI (he was 20) and thought I could not handle the news because of being an AS. He said he was wrong and we could be hang again. He quit his job and I never saw him again.

#3: My girl friend. knew her for a year was mad in love with her. Ran dumped me by texts a week after. because "your just not ready"

NTs are never ready for this info let alone in middle school with kids who already are hurting your girl. what grade is she in? 6th? 7th? 8th? I say take her out for a year or two. Let her chil out and grow as a person. Maybe put her in after school/ meet up for her age. let her make new friends and when she does, she her to that school.

I've emailed the other possible schools and got a message back from one of them that I can't ask them directly if they have any places, I have to do it through the local education authority. So, have emailed the LEA.

One positive thing is that I told my daughter to completely ignore the abuse, and she did that successfully yesterday, didn't reply a word to any of it.

The fact that you are talking about the LEA tells me that you are in the UK, which helps a bit with giving info. I used to sit on school admissions appeals panels until I emigrated so have a fairly good understanding of how it all works.

To find out what all your options are you need to find out all the places available. Many LEAs do the admissions for secondary schools centrally. So it's right that they would know which schools have places and which don't. However, most LEAs I have worked with only do this in for the bulk admission after primary school. Also, most of the time, they only do it for LEA controlled schools. Foundation schools, learning academies, church run schools and whatever other fancy name is given to self governing state schools, more often than not do it themselves.

You local LEA will be able to provide you with a list of all the state funded schools in your area and will be able to tell you which ones do their own admissions.

Another thing to consider is schools available in neighbouring LEAs. If they are close enough for you and have space, you are entitled to send your child there too. My daughters second school was in a different LEA but only a 10 minute walk from home. Contact them and find out what they have available.

Once you have all the options you can decide what you think is best. If that is her current school then she has rights there and with a bit of posterier kicking you can make them take proper care of her.

As a further thought, it may also be worth asking all the LEAs whether or not they have an Asperger's unit in any of their schools. One of the schools in our neighbouring LEA did. Places were hard to come by in the unit itself but a side effect was that the rest of the school was also very Asperger's friendly. That was the local Catholic secondary school by the way.

Thanks for all this. I've asked the LEA if any local schools have places, no reply as yet. I've temporarily (or maybe not!) taken my daughter out of school... she came home with a big dirty splodge on her clothes, turned out they'd been throwing rotten fruit at her. She wouldn't even have told me if there hadn't been evidence, she is just taking it for granted now that the other children will be mean to her for no reason. She'd also been poked, mocked (when she told them to leave her alone), called names and laughed at. So I just saw red, rang the school and said I was taking her out of school until they sorted it. Only I have little faith in their ability to sort it. So we have been at home together, sort of home educating in a rather random fashion, which is fine, but I am so depressed. Just feel like I have failed her, by failing to make the school take proper care of her., and by failing to raise her to be someone who can make her friendships work out. I feel like it is all my fault. I know it isn't, but I feel it is. Last year I was on anti-depressants, and I don't want to go back on them again, but I'm just getting overwhelmed.

Update:
We've been into school and they've said she can use a teacher's office as a place to retreat at break/lunctimes. Not sure how well it is going to work out because she'll be nervous about the teacher possibly being there too, but we will see. I have been googling like mad and found that there is a local ASD parents' group which is running a seminar on anti-bullying tomorrow, and I've managed to book onto that, so maybe someone there will have some ideas. Also, there is a local AS teenagers group, so I will see if I can persuade her to come along to that.
Also, I have found out (from the website of the local group) that there is a school not too far away that has an autism/aspergers unit as MotherKnowsBest was suggesting, and which is reputed to be a good, supportive school for AS kids. So whilst things are still a mess, at least a) I am on the way to finding some support with it and b) there is a feeling that other options are possible.
Also, I have made an appt to see my GP to get some help with my own depression.

Thanks for the advice and support, you have helped.