What to do with obsessive interest?

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I hope my comment didn't sound like I was criticizing you - sometimes I write with a matter-of-fact style that reads as though I'm using a critical tone. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing - figuring out how to wrap your NT head around an autistic mind. I am still in the process of doing that as our son's diagnosis was only about 8 months ago. And you are completely correct - everything we are taught about parenting is the REVERSE for autistic kids (well, practically everything

Your response reminded me of yet another area that fostering a child's passion can benefit: future employment. If your son is really into both programming and computer animation - silicon valley here we come!! !! The concept of fostering a child's passions is not one I can take credit for - I learned this approach from William Stillman who is a very well known and highly respected Autism advocate and author, who has Aspergers himself. If you believe your son has Aspergers I would highly recommend you buy some of his books immediately (Empowered Autism Parenting, Everything Guide to Parenting a Child with Aspergers, etc). He expands on the idea of fostering your child's passion in an interview he did for my blog recently, you can read it here if you're interested: http://www.welcome-to-normal.com/2010/0 ... owned.html

I find that using my son's passions to expand his world is kind of like a match game - matching something that is related to his passion to something we are working on with him in terms of overcoming struggles or reaching future goals (ie, the Star Wars concert to help desensitize him to huge crowded loud places).

So... my first question before we explore how to use these interests to expand your son's world, is: 1) what is he currently struggling with? Is he struggling with sensory issues (sounds, tactile defensiveness, etc), social issues (not getting along with peers, feeling like the odd one out, no friends?), academic challenges in school in terms of interest, focus etc? What goals do you want him to work toward?

I agree with letting him have his video games however they tend to interfere with things that need to be done like school and eating...ect. I also agree with the timer. This works really well with my son who also will sit all day and play his games. At first it was a battle but he wouldnt even want to go to the bathroom....it was getting unhealthy.
I have my own obsessions being AS as well but you need to have some interaction with reality and you need to eat, drink, wash and go to the toilet. I have noticed that my sons meltdowns are less frequent now that he takes breaks from his game. Sometime the games themselves can make him very angry. I allow him to do other things that he enjoys when he is not playing his games and trust me he will find some other things. If your son likes games try board games, not only does this teach better communication skills but it gives you time to do things with him. My son also enjoys "playing in his head". He runs back and forth and has an entire war game going on in his head complete with sound effects I look at this as him expanding his imagination.
It is true that you can not force an aspie to be interested in a specific thing that you might want but he will find more things when you put a time limit on his games. You cant just let your kids call the shots all the time regardless of their abilities or disabilities....otherwise what would they need parents for?
Schedules are also great, it helps us to feel grounded and safe. At his age he should be able to help with planning his own schedule and he will be much happier and so will you once he gets comfortable with it. Just remember to try to be calm when he is going through this transition. At first it will be upsetting because change is not a big favorite of kids or aspies. Just keep reminding him that you are not taking anything away just putting limits and point out some things you put limits on for yourself.

Also his games sound really interesting....maybe he will get into animation later in life .

Just a thought,

There are sometimes kids who post here asking for advice on "What is my parent thinking!?"
Perhaps you could post something in the kids section, like "What is a non intrusive way to get my child more involved?" or "How can I help my child to expand his obsessions?"

I was thinking that there must be something like computer programming social clubs or computer sites. There also must be other things that these interests could naturally lead towards or other 10 year olds who share similar interests. I'm a computer idiot, so I have not many suggestions myelf.

Caitlin, not offended at all, quite the opposite.

I was looking at your blog. I will check out the books by Stillman. I read your denial blog...wow, that is so true about me too. I always attributed everything to my son having a high IQ.

I want to see my son be happy and not in pain. I want to see him be able to have the things he wants, but can seem to really get - such as friends. It started as all about me, how he was making my life difficult, but now it is all about him (and rightfully so), now that I am receiving help and understanding for him rather than critisizm.

I do think my son will be successful with work, if he gets some help w/ all the sensory and anxiety now. I am thrilled that he has this great interest in programming and animation. I have tried to combine the social stuff w/ that - he again took the programming class at the center for gifted, but had no interest in his classmates at all.

There is a kid down the street from us that took classes there too, the kid has autism and likes the programming, but not as much as my son. I have tried to have the kid over, but the kid has many bad days where he just can't interact with others. It hasn't worked out well.

The NT kids do have an interest in learning the programming but my son is mean to them when they try to learn it, he treats them like they are dumb and they don't have the attention span for it that he does.

My son wants to enjoy other things that other kids do, but he just doesn't enjoy them.

I can only echo what the other posters said regarding a schedule. I also get deep into my own interests, and so do my sons, and that time for relaxation and learning is sooooo valuable on a myriad of levels that I would never dream of taking it away BUT there are still chores to be done, errands to run etc. and we still need some exercise, sunshine and social stimulation in order to be healthy and balanced individuals. If your son is already going to day camp then he is probably already maxed on the social, and getting enough exercise and sunshine, so no wonder he wants to retreat to his computer/gaming for the rest of his time, but it is unacceptable for the rest of the family to be held "prisoner" to his needs.

We have a summer schedule that my sons and I negotiate together. It includes lots and lots of time for pursuing their interests, but it also includes chores, outings etc. We post this schedule in several places around the house, and I have it programmed into their itouch's. We adjust the schedule as we go, if we find it isn't meeting our collective needs. And we do spend time talking about what our individual and collective needs are, and how to meet them. I know that my sons are very logic based, and if I present the balancing act of needs to them as a puzzle for them to help solve and let them give input about how we should spend our time, rather than just foisting activities and jobs on them, that they are much more cooperative (of course they still grumble at chore time, but then again so do I!).

I liked what Caitlin said about using his interests as a starting point for a broader variety of activities. We do this too.
And BTW from previous of your posts Caitlin, I realized we live in the same city and we were at that Star Wars concert too. My guys did surprisingly well with the noise and the crowds (they did wear ear defenders), and really enjoyed the symphony!

My son is also labeled gifted (in math), and he too can tend to be very critical and impatient with other kids who don't catch on to things as quickly as he'd liked them too. It's so hard to watch because I know that deep down he is not being mean - not in the malicious way that NTs can be - he is being "frustrated with no filter" - most of us would talk to other people that way whenever we got annoyed with them, if we didn't have this NT filter that tells us how to talk "appropriately". Other people who don't understand autism will only see the "meanness" though, which is why I am such a big advocate for being open and transparent about our kids' autism, and spreading awareness about what Autism really is (and is not).

Anyhow... the friend issue. Not all Aspie's are social - some are really very happy to either not have friends or only have one. I have heard many adult Aspies say that they wish their parents had understood that the desire to have friends was projected onto them by their parents, when in reality the child was happy on his own. On the other hand many Aspies do really want to be social. Are you sure your son wants/craves social interaction? Or is it possible that he really doesn't have any interest in friends? This can be tough to decipher if a child is anxious about making friends and shows that outwardly as a lack of interest, when really they do want a friend. Have you had any heart-to-heart discussions with your son about this friendship issue?

If he does want friends, then I would recommend you look into Social Stories with a Speech Therapist trained in autism, and look into finding an Autism social skills group in your area. The most recent post on Welcome to Normal goes into some details about what to look for in a good group - because you want to avoid any group that forces a child to participate or punishes them when they don't etc. It should be very relaxed and natural, and frankly it should be fun (once your child gets comfortable). This group has made a HUGE difference in my son's ability to interact successfully in social situations with his peers. HUGE. My son was able to inject his own passion for Star Wars into his social skills group by bringing a bunch of Star Wars masks he had made to the group and the facilitator allowed him (we asked her in advance) to organize a little Star Wars play. While a computer programming class is great for your son, it won't have the proper professional facilitation for an Autistic child to be guided in their social interactions. I would definitely look for a social skills group and then after a while when your son gets comfortable there, talk to the facilitator about having your son bring something to do with his passions, or having the whole group do something related to his passions. This would foster connections with other kids that likely can't be fostered in a computer programming class.

Has the teacher in your son's programming class ever tried putting your son in a teaching role? This works wonderfully for my son - he takes on a whole new perspective when he is given the responsiblity of being a full-fledged helper or teacher. That may also help foster more leadership skills in your son which bring with them more sensitivity to those you are teaching. I also find that explaining things we perceive as emotional, in a factual way, can really help autistic kids. For example, if your son is "mean" to the kids who don't catch on fast enough, this may be because he just doesn't understand how the kids can be having trouble with something he finds easy. Try explaining to him how they feel using an example he can personally understand in a factual way, like if he has trouble with social situations - explain that the way he feels when he's in an uncomfortable social situation is the same way they feel when they are worried about not catching onto something fast enough, and when he's tough on them it makes them feel worse. This can sound obvious but I find it's one of the dots that many autistic minds don't necessarily connect the same way an NT mind does.

Have you seen an Occupational Therapist for your son's sensory issues? If he's sensitive to sound or crowded places (getting bumped, etc) or anxious about going new places where he doesn't know what to expect, try planning some computer or animation based field trips for him - an art gallery installation about animation (we have one in our art gallery right now) or a convention on computer programming that has displays for all the latest technology, or an IMAX computer animated film (nothing says sensory overload like IMAX) even if he only goes for a few minutes at a time or needs lots of time to work up to getting inside the theatre (my son went through that around age 5 and now after enough gradual entrances where we didn't actually sit down until the movie was half over, he can sit through - and enjoy - an IMAX double feature)!

If he's tactile defensive try introducting him to claymation where he makes the figures from playdough (add in backdrops painted with finger paints for extra sensory work) and use the free Microsoft downloadable program that turns your digital camera into a cartoon maker (which also serves to expand his interest in animation/computers to cameras and photography). Once his social skills are honed and he is able to better collaborate with peers, claymation cartoons would be a great social activity to do with a buddy - if you think they won't be able to agree on what to do for a single cartoon, have them each work on their own by beside each other so they can chat about what they are doing.

You sound like an awesome parent! I think your son will grow in leaps and bounds now that you know how to sourse out the kind of resources he needs to reach his own potential

Annotated Alice - NO WAY!! ! I am always excited to find out about like-minded autism parents in my city, because it can be hard to really connect with my old friends in terms of sharing stories about our kids - my stories are from a VERY different book!
I feel like I need to register them all for a week long course on Understanding Autism before I can really talk to them the way I'd like to about my son.

Are you on our city's Autism Facebook page? If not you should consider it - The lady who runs it has organized a few summer soccer games for our kids, and I've found some useful info about what's going on around the city in terms of resources there. If you'd like to check it out just go to facebook and search for "autism" plus our city's name.

I agree that AS children should not have their obsessions taken away, but there does need to be a limit on it. I agree with DenvreDave, it is not healthy for one individual, AS or not, to rule the family. That does not teach them anything about the real world and how to function in it. Sure it may be easier to not want to upset them, but they have to be taught at least a minimal amount of flexibility.

Fortunately, my son was diagnosed at 2.5, so I have been aware that he needed to be taught flexibility very early on. My heart goes out to you having to start this at 10 yrs old, but you have gotten some good ideas here, and hopefully, you can start it out in very small doses to get a little more balance in your family. Trust me, I can relate to being frustrated by your son's lack of interest in very many things, because my son is the same way. So far, he hasn't gotten into the video games yet, but I am sure there will come a time that he will want to do them.

Your son will always have the passions and obsessions, and it can be a good thing, but I do feel that helping him learn to adapt to others needs to some degree is going to be a good thing. I hope I don't sound too critical, because I do feel your pain!! !! Hang in there!

You have a good point that maybe my perception is off about whether or not he wants friends. I will need to think about that a little bit more and figure that one out. There are no 'heart to heart' talks. I have tried a bazillion times...we get no where. His responses are always 'I don't know' then frustration. Other people have tried too - grandparents, aunts, uncles...my son does not have conversations. My dad has always told me that my son doesn't talk. I always responded 'well he talks to me all the time, maybe just not to you'. It has always been a defensive lie, but I never thought about it. I FEEL like he talks to me - I mean I can FEEL him, but there aren't conversations. I never compared him or his behavior to other children until recently, and that is when I realized the kids next door can have 5 - 10 minute conversations about whatever I say to them, even younger children can, but my son can't. I ask him questions, he responds with one word. That is the extent of it. I can't believe how little we talk and I never noticed. It makes me sad that I didn't notice these things...even when other people pointed them out to me over the years. But maybe he doesn't want friends, but I just perceive that he does.

And yeah, he might get enough of the social stuff at daycamp and need to unwind and be alone when he gets home.

These expecations (or lack of?) are so completely foreign to me. I have been the hard-lined parent all these years and never understood how after 10 years he still repeats the same behaviors, knowing there is no slacking on my part of following through with consequences.

Oh, the teacher did use my son as an assistant the day his real (adult) assistant was out for the day. He also got to teach the kids how to do stuff no one else knew how to do. Of course, he didn't see this as a big deal, or even want to tell me about it. If I push him on a good day I can get a summary of his day, only sometimes though. Often it is bits and pieces, sentences here and there throughout the evening about his day, or even days later. I can't wait to see his report from this teacher. This is the same teacher I overheard talking to another parent saying he is teaching a whole generation of Aspergers children in the gifted program...interesting.

We have not done anything about his sensory issues. I never heard of any kind of sensory disorder ever until a couple years ago. At that point the issues were not debilitating like they are now. For the past year I had my son seeing a psychologist who told me all his sensory issues are behavior related and caused by his 'Mood Disorder NOS' (that was his diagnosis, which I now seriously doubt). He said that my son didn't look at people when talking because of his mood also. I think the OT will make a huge difference from all I have heard. For him the MAJOR ones are shoes, underwear, glasses, socks and pants/shorts. When he was little it was the touching stuff. Right now is such a waiting game for us and I hate it. I need to know for sure what direction to go in - I need a diagnosis. I don't want to self-diagnose and go in the wrong direction....so frustrating.

I feel so lost and overwhelmed by the amount of help my son needs. I have felt like this for a long time, but was working w/ that stupid psychologist...I guess it is not his fault if it is not his specialization. But things have just gotten unmanageable.

I do feel like a prisoner in my own home.

Great insight and ideas, everyone!

Try not to blame yourself for not realizing what was going on. Many children have odd behaviors without having a disorder. At least you were taking him to a psychiatrist. If my son had not had major delays in his physical milestones, I probably would have not known that something was going on with him until much later.

Is there any way that you could get an OT that specializes in Sensory Integration Therapy? Since your son has so many issues with it, it seems as if they could start working with him even without a diagnosis. Just a thought----Hopefully, you will get answers soon, and can start helping your son.

Hang in there!

You know I was going to say this in my last comment but decided I had already blathered on too much, but now I see I really should have because you just mentioned the feeling of being overwhelmed by how much help your son needs and how much there is to do. I SO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! Most of the parents on here know EXACTLY how you feel. What I recommend, and what I had to do for myself to avoid having my brain explode, is make a list of the things you know you need to do, think you want to do, and think you want to look into more, in that order.

Make it comprehensive - like brainstorming. Every time you come across a reference to something that tweaks your interest, add it to your list. But here's the important part - prioritize your list and only do a maximum of 3 things at a time. Give those 3 things some time to settle in before moving on, and recognize that this list is a living document - like life, it is going to change and continue to grow. The goal is not to get to the end of the list having checked all the boxes, but rather to continue through the list as part of a journey where each box checked offered your son another opportunity to reach his own potential and inner happiness. Don't overwhelm yourself - or your son - with therapies and activities and appointments etc.

You are right to get a diagnosis first before pursuing any major therapies etc - that should be your #1 on your list - and be sure you are getting your diagnosis from a professional you TRUST and RESPECT. I have to say I have never heard anything quite so absurd as a psychologist saying sensory issues are caused by behaviour issues!! !! ! It is the EXACT OPPOSITE!! !! Sensory issues are neurological - not psychological. Their intensity can be tolerated through psycological work (like CBT etc) but they are not caused by a person's psychology.

While you wait for a diagnosis, I would encourage you to invest the $15 or so it costs to buy the book Raising a Sensory Smart Child (the new edition) and begin reading and implementing some of the sensory strategies they recommend. The reason I encourage you to do this is because even if you get a non-ASD diagnosis, your son sounds like he has major sensory issues (and could have SPD without ASD) - if he does, he will benefit immediately from what is called a "sensory diet" - which does not refer to food but rather OT-type interventions you can do at home to help him regulate himself. It has made a HUGE difference for my son and I know for many, many others too.

I would personally put sensory diet research and implementation as your #2, and getting an OT as #3 - even if your son is not ASD - because sensory issues may be underpinning 99% of all the other issues you are seeing. Your son sounds like he is following a similar pattern as my own son in terms of tactile defensiveness. My son showed no sensory issues until he was about 6, then they hit like a tornado! Socks, underwear, shoes, sandy feet, sticky hands - and his responses to these neurlogical stimuli were so EXTREME - screaming like a banshee - it was so hard at first to keep my cool when responding to him in the midst of such emotional chaos. But with a sensory diet his sensitivities are very much under control, we have very few problems now.

Here are a few of my suggestions based on the types of sensitivities you mentioned:

shoes - velcro only, crocs whenever weather permits, and let go of all the stuff your mother taught you about having to wear socks in your shoes, or having to wear boots when it's cold etc. I live in one of the coldest winter climates on earth and Simon wore runners all winter EXCEPT for actual winter outdoor activities which frankly we did very few of because he hates the feeling of ski pants and elastic cuffs. And you know what? That's ok, because you do not have to go sledding to have a rewarding life! All kids are different but for my son only Sketchers z straps are comfy (and crocs).

socks - go seamless. Google seamless socks and look for parent recommendations. Buy only one pair at first to make sure your son likes them. Also see if the ankle height bothers him - my son only likes the kind that come just above the ankle.

underwear - this is trial and error. You can also google seamless underwear, or go through your local mall buying a pair of undies from 5 different places and trying them all out. We found that Gymboree boys briefs are the least bothersome for our son - although it still some days takes a few minutes for them to feel good. I find that gently reminding my son that his underwear is going to feel better in a few minutes when his skin gets used to them, can help. A sensory diet that includes something called a brushing protocol can also really help desensitize a child's skin to these irritations.

pants/shorts - abandon all of your preferences for what he's going to wear and go with only ONE issue - comfort. My son cannot tolerate jeans, period. We don't own a single pair. It's all athletic pants (which I detest, but he loves) and tagless t-shirts (check out Old Navy for soft, tagless, inexpensive boys t-shirts - many with cool superhero or star wars prints). Whatever type of pants are comfortable for your son - go out and buy nothing but those in every colour, then buy shorts that are just short versions of those (meaning for example, my son's shorts are all athletic draw string waist, just like his pants). You can also try putting on the pants for 3 seconds first, then 5, then 10, until they feel less horrible (this may work for undies and socks as well).

You know they say my son is long winded because of his Aspergers but frankly, I think he just gets it from me

Caitlin, you are full of so much information. I just keep obsessively reading about all this stuff.

I will def. look for that book later tonight. Sensory stuff is by far the largest, and yea, could 'just' (lol) be SPD.

Please read below regarding the sensory stuff, I posted this on another thread but didn't get much response. I feel hopeless about this stuff:

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My son has debilitating sensory issues. He is hypersensitive to anything that touches his skin. I need to understand it better, so any Aspie that can help me understand it better, it would be much appreciated. I am trying to be a good parent to him, which means I have to understand what is going on.

Glasses - my son's glasses don't 'feel right' if he takes them off and puts them back on. He experiences extreme discomfort. They are 'different' every time he puts them back on. Also, he sees dirt on them and this causes by far the worst reaction/tantrum/rage. I can understand that he is unable to see past the dirt, like I do while driving and my windshield is dirty - I know the dirt is there, but just kind of look past it. He can't do that and it is torture to him. Even if I can't see the dirt it is there. He is going through special vision testing this week with a doc that specializes in sensory disordered kids w/ vision problems (this is separate than the neuropsych testing at the end of this month). He has to put his glasses in a clean, special place where no one could possibly get to them when he goes to bed. He refuses to get his hair cut because he will have to take off his glasses. He can only clean them at home with a certain T-shirt. He absolutely will not clean them when we are out and will go into a severe rage unless we go straight home for him to clean them, and even then, once it starts it doesn't stop. The medication has reduced this quite a bit though. Is this and how is this AS related?

Shoes/socks - my son does not wear socks anymore. They caused such a huge problem every morning because they didn't feel right. We tried every different brand, seamless, special socks, none were OK, so he just doesn't wear them. When he was wearing socks, he wore the same pair, without washing, for about 8 weeks. I gave up after fighting him on the socks for YEARS (not understanding what was going on). Socks or no socks, his shoes are a big problem too. They don't feel right. He will wear the same pair of shoes until they don't fit and fall apart. Buying a new pair of shoes is extremely traumatic for him (every single time). We've tried all types of shoes, none are better than others. Now the tantrums/rages about the shoes have reduced, as long as no one touches them. If someone touches them, they feel different when he puts them on. He will only wear velcro and never undoes the velcro because then he can't get them back to how they were. He also hides his shoes in a special place when he sleeps so no one touches them.

Shorts/underwear - I have made all the accomodations I possibly can for shorts and underwear. Shirts are not much of a problem - tagless w/ no print. He has been wearing the same pair of shorts for 5 weeks now because no other shorts feel right. He does let me wash them once a week but that's it. He even has other shorts that are very similar, but they don't feel right. Same thing with underwear. I don't even know how to handle this. They don't feel right. He has not changed/washed his underwear in weeks now. If I wash them they hurt and don't feel right (to the point of tantrum/rage). I have also, of course, tried every different type of underwear and bigger sizes - none are better than others. He won't go without underwear.

Basically the reason I have given up and allowed him to not wear socks and not change his shorts or underwear is because I have been battling him on this since he was very little and the reaction never changes, but recently it has gotten so much worse.

When all these issues got to a point where I was about to lose my job because my son is throwing 1.5 hr tantrums in the morning on our way out the door, I had to just stop trying to make him wear socks and change his clothes. It wasn't working anyway (keep in mind I had never heard of SID, SPD, or thought of ASD throughout his life). I can't lose my job over my son changing his clothes.

Can someone please explain all this to me or relate to it? Is it this debilitating for everyone?

He won't go anywhere there is a chance his glasses might get dirty, which is basically everywhere. He won't even go outside now. If it is raining outside, he will absolutely refuse to go out anywhere. He will go to day camp, but he will literally PUSH people out of the way to get into the door. He uses an umbrella, but if there is any time we don't have one for whatever reason, he will cover his entire head with his shirt and not look where he is walking. He as even walked in front of a moving car trying to cover his glasses from the rain. I am usually still at the car getting his little bro out of the car seat and he just takes off. I yell at him to stop, tell him to wait, he won't. I do drop him off in front of stores and stuff now, I make all the accomodations I can for him, but there are times I can't do this. He is completely inflexible - will not wear hats or hoods to cover his head so he can still see but be covered from the rain, won't wear a rain coat.

Wind is also a big problem now...I am not sure if that is related to his glasses or not.

I want to understand this....

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Well the good news is that a) your son is SO fortunate to have a parent so determined to help him, and b) a really good OT is going to be able to help you with a lot of this stuff and c) if your son was medicated for 'rages' and the rages were mainly sensory based, then solving his sensory issues may get him off meds and I know from reading your comments in another thread that you weren't exactly chomping at the bit to medicate him. So there is lots of good news!

While you look for a good OT (make certain they are trained in SPD issues and pref. ASD issues too just in case), here is my take on what you've shared (keep in mind I'm no expert - and while you think I'm full of information there are surely others who think I'm full of something else altogether ):

He is hypersensitive to anything that touches his skin. - the term for this is tactile defensive (just fyi, gotta know the lingo to be in the club

I need to understand it better - this is why your son is going to be ok. Because you are prepared to understand him.

Glasses - my son's glasses don't 'feel right' if he takes them off and puts them back on. First question - have you had him go to an optometrist and try on a bunch of different sorts of glasses? I'm also wondering if craniosachral or myofacial therapy might be something to look into (it's like head and face massage I think) because it could help desensitize his face and head so that it's less tactile defensive. It would take some preparations (explaining to him what to expect step by step, telling him they will stop when he's uncomfortable and then give him time to feel better before starting again, letting him visit the place beforehand, etc). I don't know much about that therapy but it's something to consider - if it helps alleviate something he's being medicated for, it would be worth it!

Also, he sees dirt on them and this causes by far the worst reaction/tantrum/rage. This sounds like one of two things to me - control issues, or possibly a touch of OCD which is a frequently comorbid condition with Aspergers. When I say control issues I don't mean he is a control freak, but rather that it sounds like maybe he has an overwhelming sense of having no control over anything, and that is manifesting itself in controlling the cleanliness of his glasses. Just a theory (I have seen this type of control issue in my own son in other ways, and have read that kids with sensory issues can feel so inundated and under attack neurologically all day, that they feel they have no control, and it can come out in behavioural ways). Are there ways you can give your son a better sense of control? Choices you can let him have complete domain over every day? What he wears, what he eats, have him participate in making a routine (as I think AnnotatedAlice suggested). Even just implementing a structured routine that is totally predictable may help give him a sense of control that alleviates many of his sensory issues.

From a practical standpoint, I would try explaining to your son that a tshirt doesn't actually clean his glasses it just moves the dirt around. If your son is an Aspie, explaining this logically may work. Have the vision specialist he's seeing talk to him about how a special glass cleaning cloth like the ones sold in vision stores is the best thing to clean your glasses with, and let him pick 3 that he likes. Picking 3 is important - one for home, one for school, one for you to carry all the time for when he doesn't have his own, to avoid a meltdown. Also this would help give him a sense of control as he would always know that he had access to what he needs to clean his glasses.

I know they don't generally allow anyone under 16 to get contacts (at least here they don't) but is this something that might be a possibility for your son? Would he be willing to put his finger in his eye to avoid the hassle of glasses?

Shoes/socks - my son does not wear socks anymore. They caused such a huge problem every morning because they didn't feel right. We tried every different brand, seamless, special socks, none were OK, so he just doesn't wear them. This is ok. Let the sock issue go for now. It is something you can work on when he's older, and he may get to a point where they do not bother him anymore. You may want to consider odour eaters if he's ok with those.

Buying a new pair of shoes is extremely traumatic for him (every single time). Have you considered buying second hand shoes that are already broken in? May work.

Now the tantrums/rages about the shoes have reduced, as long as no one touches them. Again this sounds like either he's feeling a lack of control or a bit of OCD. After working with a sensory diet and giving him a sense of control and routine, I would see if these behaviours reduce.

Shorts/underwear - I have made all the accomodations I possibly can for shorts and underwear. He has been wearing the same pair of shorts for 5 weeks now because no other shorts feel right. He does let me wash them once a week but that's it. He has not changed/washed his underwear in weeks now. If I wash them they hurt and don't feel right (to the point of tantrum/rage). I have also, of course, tried every different type of underwear and bigger sizes - none are better than others. He won't go without underwear. Ugh. That's got to be driving you batty!! ! There are three things I would say here: 1) have you tried outright lying to him? Seriously. There have been times when I can tell Simon is anticipating a sensory issue that I think he can handle, but he thinks he can't, and I have been known to occassionally lie to him to avoid him being able to anticipate the sensory issue. Ie, don't tell him you washed them and deny doing it. But be sure when you wash them, to use Ivory Snow or similar pure soap with no dyes or scents, and dry using a natural product like Norwex dryer balls; 2) I think this is another example of where a sense of control, routine, and a sensory diet that makes his whole body feel regulated throughout the day, will really help; 3) bottom line is he's gotta have clean undies. I can totally understand avoiding rages, but - after the sensory diet is well-established and he's got a predictable routine - see if you can wash the undies with a tantrum but not a full-on rage.

One thing to note: implementing a sensory diet is not easy. It is really hard to remember to do the work you need to do as a matter of routine - but it is SO WORTH THE EFFORT.

Basically the reason I have given up and allowed him to not wear socks and not change his shorts or underwear is because I have been battling him on this since he was very little and the reaction never changes, but recently it has gotten so much worse. You are right to let go of the battles on socks and lots of other things but eventually (sooner rather than later especially if you can get him on a sensory diet asap) you will need to tackle the clean undies issue because it's about hygeine. I feel for you on that one, I really do!

I can't lose my job over my son changing his clothes. This is true. This is you being the grown up. This is you making choices you have to make. This will hopefully not have to be a choice anymore once your son's sensory issues are under control.

Can someone please explain all this to me or relate to it? Is it this debilitating for everyone? This is debilitating for many, not for all. Sensory issues are different for everyone and can be very complex.

I want to understand this... The book I recommended will REALLY help you to understand what is happening inside your son's nerves and with his neurology. In a nutshell, it's something like this: kids with spd (and virtually all kids on the Spectrum have some form of SPD) have a completely different neurology. In an NT person (neurotypical) neurons send and receive information in organized, typical ways. I feel sand on my feet - it feels irritating at first but my neurons quickly adapt. My son's neurons do not. They feel that same annoying sensation over and over and over and drive him nuts. Then that sensation is combined with a dozen other sensations that his neurons also interpret in more intense, less organized ways (background sound, the rain drops on his cheeks, the sticky sensation left from handsoap, the chaffing on his underwear waistband, the seams on his socks, etc etc etc - so if you imagine being inundated with all this overwhelming sensory information that your neurons are not able to keep up with - many of which your neurons interpret as actually painful - you can see why meltdowns result (and why control issues pop up).

There are a few posts at Welcome to Normal that might help with the sensory stuff, one is about what these sensations feel like for our kids: http://www.welcome-to-normal.com/2010/0 ... iment.html and the other is a list of sensory stuff that I've found really helps my son: http://www.welcome-to-normal.com/2010/0 ... -away.html. Oh, and this one has some good fun sensory activities to help with tactile defensiveness: http://www.welcome-to-normal.com/2010/0 ... es-to.html

I would also recommend checking out the blog Hartley's Life with 3 Boys at www.hartleysboys.com. She has tons of great SPD info and guidance!

I think that you should let him have his obsessions. They're what makes him happy. My obsessions make me happy. If I were to get my obsessions taken away from me, I would be a very miserable person.

Oops double post, sorry.

I think it's great your child is enjoying Scratch. Mine will also sit on the computer for hours at a time. I am also a sole parent. I homeschool my son in addition to being a sole parent. It can be isolating but I had a child and my main concern is making sure that he has the happiness in life that wasn't afforded to me whilst teaching him how to navigate the world in the best way I possibly can. I have diagnosed ADHD but likely have AS (undiagnosed). He has AS (diagnosed recently).

We work as a team in our house and always have. My son's obsessions change about every six months. I use the obsessions as teaching tools. I teach him according to his interests. It takes creativity, but in all honestly online role-playing games taught my son to read when three years at a private Montessori school failed him. He started playing an RPG called FATE and wanted to know what things said. For a while I read them to him. Then I suggested that if he wanted to get any better at it he'd have to learn to read as I'm not interested in being anyone's personal reading machine. It worked. He was interested in Spiderman earlier in the piece. I helped him expand his interest into actual spiders and toxicology.

No, the world can't revolve around your son and his obsessions. No, you can't take away his obsessions or think there is anything 'wrong' with him wanting to focus all the time on one thing. That's ok. That births brilliance. He could end up a programmer at age 15.

He needs to be part of the team that makes your life work, though. He needs to know that you need things too. Pandering all the time isn't going to help him be a person in the world and it's only going to make you resentful. Sit down and talk with him. Discuss what you both need. Find times you can agree on that will work for both of you so that you can get out and do what you need to do as a person and so that he can feel comfortable exploring what fascinates him.

My son has profound sensory issues and quite a few other issues as well. I think the way I've parented him (I'm weird) has helped a lot. I don't push food issues or clothes issues or any other issues. I pick what battles need to be fought so he can function in "the real world" as an adult (being kind, being tolerant, understanding other people have interests, being well-mannered, being a decent human being, realising other people have feelings that are valuable) and leave the things that don't really matter (only liking ten different kinds of food, only wearing Crocs shoes, playing on the computer a lot, hating the smell of melting chocolate) for him to work out for himself when and if he's ready.