How to handle Church?

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A church WITHOUT dinosaurs? How ghastly. D:

Personally, I hate church but that's probably because I was raised in a family of right-wing people. So my family is very intolerant to those who are different to the white-conservative-church-goer. God forbid that we actually "love thy neighbor" as we were taught. :/

Thank you for all the replies. I totally understand the opinions of the non-church goers, we did try it for a number of years, but Church seems to be what is right for us. It took a long time to find one we found "friendly" and suitable, but it is important. Dear daughter is doing much better. She was screaming today, but not nearly as much as last week. She likes that there is a "nursery" or toy room upstairs that she can go to. Even better there are other gluten allergic people amongst the congregation so she can have extra special treats afterwards!

Today's highlights. While sitting on my lap being in no way held or restrained screaming "Let me GOOOO! You are HURTING ME. HElP HELP YOU ARE HURTING ME!" This brough stiffled laughter from the lady behind us, who could clearly see the child was not being touched. "I can't take this place! This is not in my way of life! This singing is interferring with how I choose to live!" "I'm scared, I'm scared of PEACE! I am SCARED OF TOO MUCH PEACE!"

Your daughter has a flair for drama. Thanks for the chuckle.

Hang in there, I think over time, she will adjust a bit more. What has really worked for my son is telling him that if he can be good (no talking out loud, or moving around too much), that he will get ice cream when we get home. That seems to work like a charm for him. Only you know what will work for your daughter though.

One thing I did tell him too is that if he really needs to talk, then he can whisper to me. At least that gives him an option.

<3

I could never take my son to my mil's church, and didn't see the need to after the reaction he had. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. He would scream if you took him near the door after having been in there once, he peed himself and was shaking. My mil still pushes it and doesn't seem to care that the place terrifies him (he is also 4, but not as verbal as the OP's daughter, though she was verbalizing exactly what he seems to feel, and how I still feel when I'm forced to go into a church).

My parents made me go to church till i was about 12 and it made me absolutely hate religion as i feel like it was "forced" onto me as i was "made" to go. Hence while all my family are Christian, i arent and detest it. (this is something you may want to consider, the outcome of making your daughter go to church... will she end up resenting it so much that she may turn against the whole religion? You may think she's only young so she will forget all this...but my own daughter who probably has a photographic memory remembers things clearly from when she was only 2 yrs old). Ive heard other Aspies say the same thing.. being made to go to church made them hate that whole religion.
........

My sister goes to a big church and takes her 3 young children with her. In their church they have a huge table inside the main church area where church takes place esp set up for the children. On that table is pencils, paper, colouring in stuff and toys. The children are allowed to come and go from the table as much as they like and are allowed to move about the church. Church is a real family affair where the children are still allowed to be children and are welcomed into this atmosphere.

Hi just to say, your daughter sounds wonderful! The things she says are so funny and profound, i hope you're writing them all down to show her later! All the best.

I just wanted to post an encouragement to you for seeking out a way to involve your child in your own spiritual development. I am a pastor's wife, and we have a 9-year-old son with Aspergers. We have 2 younger children, as well. Over the years, our son has learned to love church, and it has been a wonderful, safe community for him to practice his social skills, interact with kind-hearted people from all generations and walks of life. He has also been a tool for teaching other adults about spectrum disorders and how to deal compassionately with those individuals and parents who are facing some of the same challenges. He loves to learn the stories of the Bible, find the passages from the sermon or his Sunday School lessons in his own Bible, sing the songs, and recognize the faces of friends each week. More importantly, he has developed an authentic faith of his own. He asked to be baptized this last Easter. What a privilege it was to see him make his own decisions about faith public and join the millions of faithful followers of Jesus. Good luck to you and your family as you learn and grow and see God at work in your lives.

Just to let you all know what happened at Church last Sunday.
1) My daughter did GREAT! Even though her FRIENDS were not there. Yes, she actually is now FRIENDS with the 2 other little girls from the church and will request playdates at their house.
2) She sat quietly, reading her book or playing with her toy dinosaur.
3) I told her she could "Roar" instead of say "God's Peace". She LOVED that.

On the way out an elderly lady pulled me aside to compliment me on my daughter's behavior. You will love this.
Lady - "You're daughter was so much better today. She is really coming along."
Me - "Uh, thank you."
Lady - "I had a lovely conversation with her about dinosaurs. She does seem to know a lot about them. She was telling me all of their names."
Me "She loves dinosaurs."
Lady - "My grandson, he's older now, but my grandson loved dinosaurs. He loved dinosaurs so much that when he was six years old his parents took him to speak at the University. He spoke at the University, and he answered questions.
'I asked him, he was six 'did they ask you lots of questions?'
' He said, 'yes.
' I asked him, 'Could you answer them all?'
'He said, 'Yes.'
' I asked him, 'Did you ask them any questions?'
He said, now keep in mind he was only six, he said 'I asked them how come my mother's fly trap is able to open up and catch flies when it doesn't have MUSCULATURE or a SKELETON?'" It was clear from her expression that she was immensly proud that her grandson could pronounce those two words.
I looked at her in amazement.
She said, "That's the thing about my grandson. He was always very smart, but social skills were somewhat of a problem."

I would like to add my own agreement to Manifoldrob's advice that you find a babysitter to take care of your daughter while you practise your faith.

Most religious parents seem too insist on involving their children in the practise of their beliefs. While I accept that it is the right of a parent to raise their child however they decide, I would always counsel that they allow their children to make their own choices where spiritual beliefs are concerned, at an age where they can make informed decisions.

Last edited by adifferentname on 18 Aug 2010, 6:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hi Penguin Mom-

Sorry I am just reading your update! Anyway, I am so glad to hear that it went well. Kudos to you for you for having the courage to keep at it. Also, glad your daughter is making some friends. That is too funny about what the lady said about her grandson. Makes you realize that there are probably more spectrum kids around than we think!

"Church seems to be what is right for us"...

As evidenced by...

Your daughter my not be physically hurting in the sense most people would think of it, but I can guarantee you she is hurting. Church for a 4 year old child on the spectrum has got to be the closest thing to hell that I can imagine. No pun intended.

I really cannot discern what you think your child is getting out of this experience, except a passionate hatred for church and anything associated with church. I do not think she is ready. Forcing her through this is tormenting her. If you want to make God a part of her life, introduce concepts you feel are important at home. Don't make church something to be endured, unless you want her to rebel wholly against your faith altogether. Find a sitter, a church with Sunday school or a nursery, and put your child's interests before your own. I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but I get the impression you have decided what is best for you, and are trying to make church important to your husband and daughter - which clearly it does not appear to be.

As a Christian who attends church irregularly (more often than Christmas and Easter, but not every week), I have to say it really doesn't sound like you should be taking your daughter...

Obviously, you know more about the situation than I do, but such a situation could easily be torture (I mean this in the sense of Gitmo, and not in the sense of the mildly unpleasant things people like to call "torture") for her. Obviously, you know your own daughter, but I would take her words seriously. I would also note Seligman's research. (I think that's his name. I might be wrong.)

Ah, dinosaurs. I used to be like that. That boy sounds quite smart.

Don't take her to church?

Most autists are by nature not religious, trying to force religion on her is just going to cause unnecessary conflict. Let her be the scientist she is

I say you should wait until she is more mature to handle her obsession. The purpose of going to church (for children) is Sunday school, and she probably wouldn't like it because it won't be about dinosaurs.
Fortunately children her age are too young to understand Sunday school and should stay in the babysitting room (at least for my church). Ask the babysitter if he/she has dinosaur toys for her to play with.

I have to disagree. Many children, not just AS children don't WANT to go to church. As a parent, I think PenguinMom has a right to go to church if she thinks it is important. It is probably just because it is something new that was upsetting her daughter. It sounds like she is adjusting to it, and it could turn out to be a positive experience. It is only for an hour or so each week. I agree, most children will eventually choose on their own whether they want to practice religion or not. But as a parent, especially if the parent is a Christian, they feel a responsibility to introduce their child to their beliefs. Many children do rebel against religion when they become adults, but many do return to the foundation of the faith that was instilled by their parents.