scolding

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Scolding sounds a little demeaning - but parents are supposed to guide right? Guiding does not mean that you have to demean anyone.

I don't see punishing ASD behavior because there really is no point in punishing something a person can't control. BUT - and this may be my spectrum issues (lol) but I don't see any reason to not mention something that a child might be doing (like dressing a certain way) that is going to cause them to be made fun of. I do not think that is infringing on their creativity or anything like that. I was really made fun of as a kid and quite frankly I dressed the part because I did not know any better. I had such sensory issues as a little kid I would often only wear one or two outfits and my mom would have to wash them every night. She told me she was so embarrassed (lol). When I was older I was wearing different outfits of course, but still not putting them together very well. That is difficult to try and reason with a little kid, but when someone is more cognitively aware than you can be practical and tell them people will make fun of you. My daughter asks me (voluntarily) if what she is wearing looks allright - and if it looks goofy than I tell her or I tell her she is trying too hard. If she still wants to wear it than she knows her outfit may be over the top fashion wise (and nothing sexy).

So - I'm all for guiding or helping to provide a "map" for social interections but that doesn't have to involve scolding. We actually have more than a few laughs at how you have to do things to make the NTs "happy" to make certain social interactions easier.

Aspie1~ i am terribly sorry that you had to deal with parents who made you feel "less than". every time i think i'm being clear about what i write, someone takes my words wrong
our conversation is a 2 way street...the kid gets to voice their opinion, and i get to voice my opinion. there is no yelling, nor demeaning language. making others feel like their stupid is just not appropriate. my job as a parent is to help my children grow up to be responsible. Adults should accept responsibility for their actions....i wish more adults would accept responsiblity~ i've run across too many co-workers who will totally deny their part in a problem...not to mention folks in government.

It amazes me how my parents' mentality didn't mesh with most parents. They seemed to believe that they had to raise me to be a fully functional member of society at all costs, including emotional. (And how does living in a Museum of Cleanliness make you fully functional?) Their emphasis on the being "functional" was so strong, it practically erased the difference between living as a human being and executing pre-programmed commands as a computer. For many years, I internalized that lifestyle, not knowing any better. (Hey, I was a kid.)

For as long as I consciously remeber, all my parents did was get up, go to work, come home, read books, and go to bed by 10 PM. I hardly ever saw them go to the movies, go to an amusement park, attend or host a dinner party, or even eat out at a restaurant; most of their entertainment consisted of spending a few hours at a fitness center. For years and years, they tried to impose it on me, thinking that's how "functional members of society" life.

A few years ago, I had a huge "lightbulb moment" that changed my life. I realized that my parents' lifestyle not the way to live. That way, all you do is function; you don't live. Wherever my parents picked up the idea that this lifestyle was OK, I certainly wasn't going to live like that. So now I do just the opposite. I meet up with friends on a moment's notice, go out dancing in clubs until 4 AM, stay up late even when there's work the next day, watch all the new movies, and come home drunk. Basically, do what makes life worth living. Everytime I see a funeral procession on the street, it becomes a macabre reminder that I need to live my life, not just go through a routine.

Does anyone agree or disagree? Post your questions or comments.

I can sort of relate to that last post: Although I'm not very spontaneous myself, I agree a person needs more than mere existence. I found that extra joy in nature and in getting away from the sort of lifestyle that I had allowed to be imposed on me. There needs to be some pleasure in this short life.

my parents were quite dysfunctional...my mom was never around , and when she was she was a lousy drunk. my dad did the best he could. mine was a life that they tried to tell me was normal~average~just like everyone else's....i figured out this wasn't true after i visited other's houses and realized that parent's who care actually have conversations with their kids, and actually do fun things with them. for the longest time, i thought there was something wrong with me~that somehow i had caused my parents to hate me, and that's why they didn't want to spend any time with me. it took me a long time to realize that the problems were my parents and not my own. i vowed to raise my children the way i feel i should've been~ alot of fun, and punishment/scolding as necessary. my parents never provided me with boundaries, and it's a wonder that i didn't end up in more trouble than i did. i was only grounded once. i punished myself, and that's because i knew that what i did was wrong~and i knew that any parent in their right mind would've punished me. being grounded seemed way better than being ignored. being grounded was way better than telling your friends that your parents just didn't care about you.

Ster, I can relate to a lot of what you went through growing up. Especially the part about thinking they didn't want to spend time with you because it was your fault. I always thought if I was a better kid my parents would care about me and talk to me. It hurts worse than getting hit, doesn't it? But at least we didn't try to pass it on to our own.

Lae~it sure is way better than passing it on to our own children ! sorry you went through similiar stuff.....being ignored stinks!

It does help to observe functional families to see how it can be done differently, though, doesn't it?

having grown up in a dysfunctional family, it sure is hard to rise above and fight against that which you were taught.statistically speaking, most children who are raised in abusive families live on to abuse others. sadly, my brother did not rise above the dysfunctionality. according to him, everything he does is someone else's fault. i don't talk to him anymore, because i just can't condone his lifestyle.

rememebr the balance is too allow the child to grow up as an AS child in an NT world.
by scolding a child for AS behaviour is forcing a child to be normal which they are not..and this is stressfull for a child.
however to allow odd behaviour to go unnoticed just because the child has AS is unacceptable as well.....a balance is needed from the childs point of view, and from the point of view of others.

I take my son to an interactive museum.........im AS and so is he..his mother is NT.......i allow him to play with exhibits alone and to see others interact but do not force him to interact as it is difficult for him, what i dont do is force him to stay indoors like i would prefer..he needs to get out and see the world working in a non confrontational way...the point being...all Aspie traits are bad for an Aspie kid..they will grow up isolated and geeky....alternatively........all NT activities may cause a kid to grow up with criminal convictions thtough meltdowns and not being ale to fit in.......same with scolding a balnce is needed allow him to be AS....but protect him from it.

The more your daughter yells at and degrades her children, the more likely they will be picked on, because your daughter will have stripped away any sense of self-esteem and security her children might have. Also, if she sets herself up as someone who just scolds and yells, instead of listens, understands and explains, her children will not feel safe coming to her if, G-d forbid, something happnes to them. They will learn that their mother is not to be trusted to handle bad news, or social screw-ups because all she will do is criticize and belittle them. Aspie children, of which I was one, can create certain rules in their heads and if they learn mom is not someone to be trusted, then they will treat their mother that way.

If your daughter would take a more proactive, non-yelling (which will shut any Aspie down, as well as most NTs), she would help them retain some dignity. By giving them good self-esteem foundations, her children will be better able to handle any teasing that may come their way.

Yelling would never work as a way of dealing with my 2 year old's behavior. The few times I have yelled at her, she has totally blown me off. I have found that by explaining why her behavior is unacceptable and why I am upset, she listens to me. I get down right at her level of 3 feet and make her look me in the eyes. I will also give her choices, so that she feels empowered to trust her decisions. Now when I yell, it's because she doing something dangerous and she knows I am Big-Time serious. I want it in her head that, "if mommy yells, I need to stop what I am doing immediately." It has been working really well. And, as she is only in a dangerous situation once or twice a week (like when she climbs a chair, to climb on the counter, to get to the Jelly Bellys) my yelling is probably one to three times a month.

These are just some of my opinions. My Mother yelled at me a lot, I am an Aspie, and I just learned to tune her out, not trust her, and I would shut down. However, when my Dad handled a situation in the ways I mentioned above, I listened to him and he never made me feel bad about myself...I told my Dad a lot of things I would never tell my Mom, simply because he made me feel safe...


Tallgirl.

that makes very good sense.