Who does my son need to see to get the right help?

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Choices, yes. We are lucky in that my son has a clear understanding of when he has a choice and when he doesn't. He is a "rules" kind of kid so when the rule is that there is no choice - then he knows that it must be done.

My daughter was like this at age 5. My suggestion to you would be to step back from "making" him participate in the things he is not comfortable with. Your post that "it's not an option" is just going to further his anxiety and create school refusal issues. You need to work very proactively with the school on lowering his anxiety. There are reasons he doesn't want to be singled out in circle time, singing, and reading time-he is probably having anxiety about it. Pushing through is not the best method. You need to eliminate the anxiety if at all possible first.

Looking back on how my daughter was, I can say that trying to get him to communicate his anxiety and what provokes it will probably be a losing battle at this age. You need to be a detective and find out what his triggers are. A "social autopsy" after his refusals will help you determine what exactly his triggers are.

The method that worked for us was "Collaborative Problem Solving", a method detailed by Ross Greene in "The Explosive Child". Your child doesn't have to be explosive for this method to work. The premise is that he is lacking the skills to react properly.
•1
Acknowledge that what you're doing isn't working and that it's not your fault. Some children are very easily frustrated and don't respond well to change or situations outside of their own control. Sometimes referred to as "chronically inflexible children" or "challenging kids," these children have extreme behaviors that are due to lagging cognitive and social skills, not due to bad parenting.

•2
Visit the Lives in the Balance website and look at the inventory of the skills that are commonly lacking in children with challenging behaviors (see Resources below). The website provides information for parents, educators and clinicians about challenging kids. The organization's goals are to help people work with, understand and rethink the reasons challenging children and their extreme behaviors.

•3
Evaluate the way you are currently trying to discipline your child. The Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) model identifies three ways to deal with behavior-Plans A, B and C. The first (A) is to tell your child he must comply with what is being asked, the third (C) is to temporarily let it go and the second (B) is the crux of the CPS model.

•4
Learn Plan B. This will take a lot of practice, work and compromise-for both parent and child. Here, you deal with children's behavior by working together to come up with a way to solve the problem causing your child's behavior. Ideally, you and your child can sit down before a meltdown occurs, identify something specific that is always a trigger and come up with a way to work around it. However, sometimes you'll have to do it in the middle of a heated situation.

•5
Stay calm and be empathetic. Instead of accusing your child or using phrases like "You always..." mention your observations, ask for her take on it and see how she thinks it can be solved. You may have different takes on the triggering event, but together you can find the common element and try to find a reasonable solution.

•6
Stick with it. Once you (and your child) get used to using Plan B, you'll find it easier. It doesn't mean you shouldn't expect your child to comply with some things or that you should always let go of your expectations, just that you might be able to reduce the explosions. Remember that using the CPS model is really allowing you to teach your child some of those lagging skills.

This is the checklist for lagging skills to be identified:
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/ ... 2-5-08.pdf

And this goes over the steps to CPS in a video format:
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/three- ... g-problems

Once you are better at figuring out how to deal with him you can instruct the school on what works.

I got very lucky. I have heard stories of parents searching years for the right doctor. We wasted a year with a psychologist, wrong diagnosis. Then one day we went to the ER and in 30 min they got it right on and referred us to a very good neuropsych. I paid $1023 (that was my portion with insurance) for the 9 hours of testing and received a 16 page report of recommendations and test results. It is the best $1k I have ever spent in my life.

How much testing did the neuropsychs do?

Money talks. If there is any way you can afford to spend the $1k to $3k on testing, out of pocket for another neuropsych, even to have one review your test result and make recommendations and referrals, then that is your best bet. You may be able to get reimbursed. Is there a law in your state that you have the right to a second opinion and the insurance has to pay for it?

I suggest you call and interview the neuropsychs before proceeding. Ask them what the results and report will entail. Insurance, federal or private, or cash - they wouldn't be in business if it weren't for your child seeing them, you deserve to get a full report from them.

I am going against the common replies here to say that your son doesn't need to see anyone for help: except you. You need to take the lead in educating yourslf on what he is struggling with and like a detective like I posted above figure out what your son needs. Depending on how "adept" your son's school is at dealing with ASD you may want to work together with them or you may just need to figure out what works with him and instruct them on it.

The most important expert he needs is you. A mother's encouragement and belief is the first and most important thing in his life - something stable he can rely on and believe in. And it looks like he has that. Keep it up. Be there for him. No matter how long other things take, you're doing the most important thing already. THAT having been said...

Think about dysgraphia as a possible reason why he's not interested in coloring (etc). Ask him if it's uncomfortable or painful. Incidently, they tried to teach me to hold pencils right too. They found little plastic and rubber "slip ons" that were suppossed to force you to hold them right. I still hold pens wrong and I love to write. Maybe he's just uncomfortable with the size of crayons?

http://www.otideas.com/Items/PencilGrips.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysgraphia

As for getting him to do things he doesn't want to do, sit. Sit down with him. Make a ritual of it. Christen a special seat as "the talking chair". I'm a BIG advocate of sitting for serious discussions with ASD kids (and adults) because in many ways it relaxes all involved and equalizes the body language playing field. Then ask what his reasons are for not wanting to do something. LET him say everything he has to say without interruption. Tell him to let you know when he's done explaining by announcing a 'ritual' phrase - like "10-4" or "and that's it" because often there will be pauses in his explination as he stops to think, and most people are too intent on filling the silence with their own talking, thus interrupting his thinking/thoughts. (I'm not saying you do this - I'm saying everyone does this). Then tell YOUR reasons. Ask him if he understands your reasons. Then ask if they are good enough. Then ask if he can come up with better reasons that would make him want to do the activity. Or if that fails, alternate choices to attain a similar goal.

---

I want you to go talk to that boy.
No.
Why not?
Because.
I want you to learn to be more social. Go talk to him.
No.
Is there any other way I can encourage you to be more social?
Dunno.
Think about it.
How about I talk to Carol. Would that 'be more social'?
Sounds good!

I completely understand where you are coming from. I was exactly in your shoes 2 years ago! Nothing, and I do mean nothing, would "encourage" my daughter to "just do it" or express HOW she felt about things. It was VERY discouraging! I took her to therapists, Drs, put her on meds, etc etc all with NO resolutions. That's why I warn you against this.

What I did was try to help her verbalize. For instance:

She refuses to do something
I say " You don't want to do it! Sitting with the other kids is hard for you"
she can say "I don't wanna"
Then you clarify: "You don't want to sit with the kids because they bump you and that makes you feel nervous?"
I say "Why don't we sit away from the other children but in a place where you can see what's going on"
Then she is hearing me put words to express her feelings. This didn't always work. Sometimes it would make her agitated.

Then I would label how I felt at all times, like a narrator:
Me: "Trying to get this cap off this bottle makes me frustrated!"
"That car pulled out in front of me and that makes me angry"
"I am late so that makes me feel nervous"

This helped by defining feelings for her in a non accusatory way.

With my daughter her expression of feelings was extremely delayed. She really didn't have this ability at all until a few months ago. But I can tell you he WILL get there. He is just not on a timeline as the rest of the Kindergarteners. That's why the school CANNOT deal with him the way they do the other children. Their techniques need to be modified to adjust for his lack of bility to advocate for himself when he is overloaded and his INABILITY to adjust to certain situations. He is not being defiant and the school absolutly needs to undertsand this! His skills are not as developed as the other children. I encourage you to print out the list on the link I posted above http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/ ... 2-5-08.pdf and use those to communicate your son's diffuclties with the school. ALL dealings with him at school ned to take those lagging skills into consideration.

As far as the anxiety I can tell you in my experience, making him push through it will probably make things worse, at least that's what happened in our case. Do not worry about the school's percption that you are "coddling" your son! Let that go in one ear and right back out. Your son needs you to advocate and protect him. He is NOT ABLE to adjust and adapt as the other children. Because of this he needs to be treated as a much younger child in certain social, non academic settings-as far as academics he can be allowed to flourish and excel as his capabilities allow.

I agree too that you are going to help your son more than any other professional out there. I have found more help with dealing and helping my son by reading books on Asperger's and from talking with parents here on WP than from any doctor. If anything, I would maybe look for a good private OT that specializes in sensory integration issues and try to get going with that. Some of the things that he does not want to do or refuses to do may have a sensory connection to it. There are tons of books out there, and there are a lot listed at the beginning of the parents forum. One book that I have found helpful is "The Oasis Guide to Asperger Syndrome" by Patricia Romanowski Bashe and Barbara L. Kirby. Both of their children are on the spectrum. I think the more you learn about AS, the more you will be able to understand where your son is coming from.

mama to grace - thank you so much.

That's it. Socially/behaviorally he's like a 3 year old. It's all coming, and even in the normal stages, just slowly - and out of sync with the rest of him. He's 5 (April birthday) and he's reading, can do math, spells words like alphabet, laugh, cough, etc). His development is so unbelievably lopsided, but it COMES. We are finally seeing some imaginative play, etc. Though... on a very minor scale. It doesn't help that he's huge - biggest in his class. 49" and 62 lbs of solid kid (not overweight).

I've been very hesitant to verbalize for him, because I don't want to put ideas in his head he doesn't have, you know what I mean? Like, when he said he didn't like school. This is how we approached it: "you don't like school?" (Shakes head yes). I then didn't want to say, "You find your teacher too mean." to put that idea in his head, So, I would ask him things like, "Is the room too yellow?" Shakes head no. Is your chair too low?" Shakes head no. "Are the children bothering you?" Shakes head no. "Is the room too noisy?" Shakes head no. "Is your teacher bothering you." Shakes head no. "Is it scary to try new things at school?" Shakes head yes. I finally got to what it was, but I would go through 10 things (some ridiculous) to see what's the problem.

If I don't know what the problem is, I can't verbalize for him. I have learned pretty much now, though, that it's scary for him... but then I don't want to make him feel more scared by saying, "I know this is scary for you." I don't know... I really do wish I DID know what was going on in his mind. With all his monologues about things, you would think he would say something about how he feels or thinks, but nope.

I do know one thing that would help me (but also know the teacher does NOT have time to do it). It would be good to know WHAT they did that day so I could talk with him about it. We get a note/letter every Friday and then I'll talk to him about Humpty Dumpty, etc. But otherwise, I have no idea what he's doing or better put, NOT doing in his class.