Is anybody worried that their AS kids will live in poverty?

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Thanks for the replies! I definitely don't mind a bit of criticism. I know lots of people can be very sensitive here. I joined this site mostly for myself. I'm an Aspie, and we didn't really know back then. I love my babies and want the best for them of course. I'm just afraid I'm a bad influence sometimes. I have a lot of sensory issues, health problems, quirkiness and definitely don't try to socialize much. I hide in my room a lot and interact with others minimally. By normal standard that's awful. By Aspie standard I'm quite as expected.

The biggest reason for my fear is my own insecurity. I've never had a full-time job for more than a few months before I got pregnant. And I've been staying home after I had kids. The world seems a big and scary place because I never worked much, and I can't drive a car so that limit my options severely. I can't even do all the things other stay at-home moms do, like driving their kids to activities. I'd probably be quite poor if I didn't marry a very nice guy. I don't want them to be like me when they grow up. Hopefully with proper diagnosis and special education they'll turn out much better.

I said I wish we didn't become parents, not because our kids have been annoying, but because of my ability to handle the responsibilities and stress was very poor. I feel I'm not a good parent even if I try my best. And this put too much responsibilities on DH, who's already solely responsible for our income and many other chores. It's not exactly fair that he has to bring home the bacon, and do most of the parenting and take care of my grandma, too. (She's been living with us for 9 years now.) The regret is not about having the kids, it's feeling guilty that my kids wouldn't have a good mom, and my husband need to work so hard to maintain our household. BTW our kids were not planned. I still don't quite know how they got through.

If I never had kids and come here just to complain about my anxiety, fear and helplessness, lots of people would just say that's OK. Now add that I'm a parent to Aspie kids, suddenly I can never been good enough for them. As far as I know, childbirth doesn't change brain structures or personality or any existing conditions. Not everybody is capable of upholding the image of "good parents" but many are trying. Now if my best is still mediocre, well that's just what it has to be. My own parents were much much worse.

Thanks for the tip on trust fund. I'll look into that. We're quite frugal and will try to save up something for them. Our house will be paid off next year, hopefully after that we'll be able to save a lot.

I hear you. A lot is expected of parents--even for those who don't have other issues, it's often more than they have to give. Check out Ayelet Waldman's Bad Mother for some interesting reading.

Re your children, something you might want to look into is a special needs trust. Ours is set up for our son so that inheriting our house/life insurance won't make him ineligible for government assistance, if he is unable to live independently. But we were very careful to set it up so that he can break it is he *is* able to live independently. Considering his brains and talents, I have hopes he will, but who knows? I have always been a major underachiever, myself.

I figure with our sons that it will be all about helping them find their "niches" (didn't Temple Grandin talk about this? Can't recall where I first heard the term in reference to this). The right education that unlocks jobs they can be successful at and hopefully even enjoy. My husband and I will be here at every step of the way while they find their niche, helping in every way we can and with the expectation that this will take them significantly longer than the average young adult. We are not wealthy, and I am at home full time to better meet their needs now, so this means no trust fund, but we will do whatever we can to help them financially and otherwise.

I look at my own experience growing up, and it was a mess, but I had no help or support. If I had some guidance and understanding, and active help to find my "niche" who knows what I could have accomplished? And even without any help, I managed to find my way in the end (very happy now, financially steady although certainly not flush with cash). I have to believe that with people supporting and seeking to understand and do the best for them, that my sons will have stable, happy adulthoods. Certainly we will give them every opportunity we can, and the rest will be up to them.

I don't worry any differently about my children with AS or ASD than I do about my NT one. I will never lower expectations because of their diversity. What I will do, however, is work harder to give them the tools they will need in order to successfully navigate adult life. If anything, I feel that my children will have a higher chance of success than they would otherwise because they are so rigid in following the rules. When I tell them they are all going to college, I honestly think they will. What they choose to do with their lives after that is up to them.

lol, it has surprised me to discover how many assertive statements I've made that my son has integrated as hard and fast rules. He will definitely go to college; it has never entered his head that not going is an option.

This is interesting, and probably something we should at least consider ... just, geez, we're so drowning in life as it is that thinking ahead seems ... impossible. Still, we do own a home and it is worth considerably more than we paid for it, market downturns and all (we've lived in it a while). I don't think of it as an asset because I don't want to be tempted to use it as a piggy bank but should something happen to us it is, of course, an asset. I do think my son will be fine when he's grown up, but underacheiving seems kind of a given (despite successful careers that term can probably be said of my husband and I, as well, and when it comes down to it my son is going to pick "interesting" over "smart choice to make money or acheive security" every single time - in many ways an admirable trait, if you ask me, but still something of potential concern when it comes to insuring a stable life).

Honestly, the main motivation that got us to do it was sheer panic. The thought of what would happen to my son if anything happened to the two of us was so devastating to me that I had to make arrangements to deal with it. We found a local lawyer who specializes in special needs trusts and it was not actually that difficult--choosing the people to be in charge was the worst of it. We had things set up to avoid probate at the same time -- my friend's mother had a probate nightmare when her mother died, so that was motivating.

Sorry to misunderstand. On the plus side, as an Aspie, you'll understand better than an NT would. They don't need what NTs need anyway, so don't worry so much that that's not what you're providing.

I'm fortunate he won't have this worry. I know some parents though that have this burden of worry. I can't imagine.

I wish my mom had that burden of worry. Then maybe I'd be living somewhere with running water.

I think I smell a troll.

Really? I thought y-pod sounded sincere but then I have always had a hard time spotting trolls, both online and offline.

Everyone is different and every child is different. My case is mine and it's unique for that reason.

I am an aspie. I didn't know until after my son was born and started exhibiting AS tendencies. I have had other parents become irate with me because I said I would be thrilled to have another child just like him. They couldn't fathom that I would want another kid with AS. But I am OK with my son, in fact we have a very very strong bond because I get him. I see me in him, and I can anticipate how to work with him. Sometimes I make mistakes, other times I am lost because I was never able to solve the problem for myself, but it's OK. I am learning.

I am about 90% positive I know the origins of my AS. Most likely it's from my dad. He has been married twice, had an outstanding career (with a rep as a hard ass - he was in management with a GED) and is comfortably retired. And he has been getting even better as he gets older. He's more compassionate and tries to be emotionally available - that's always been a problem for him. But he is learning. And I am learning. I am much more mature now than I was even five years ago, and I grow every year. It's taken me a little longer than it's taken most people to get here, but I really am pretty proud of who I am becoming.

So, no, I don't worry about my son being homeless some day. I am working to correct the flaws that came in my programming, if you will. And my programming was better than my dad's in some ways. So I am trying to improve an already functioning model.

You get out what you put in. Put in "You can do this", "I believe in you", "You're better than this", "I am proud of you" and you will get that out. Put in "What is wrong with you." "You will never amount to anything" "I can't believe you" and there's still a reasonable chance that you'll get a successful human being (people can be stubbornly spirited), but it's also possible you will crush someone's spirit and create incompetence. Some of my favorite people have overcome things that are far more debilitating than my dad's or my or my son's AS.