Feeling so fed up with my AS pre-teen (a vent)

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Think we have established that its not 'boredem' its lack of their calming tool which they need in an overly stimulating environment.????

A very succinct way of putting it. Thank you, I'll remember that.

I suppose, Annotated Alice , one could put a positive spin on it, I was glad dd was happy to sit in an unknown library, though to her libraries in general are her home turf, she loves them all as places of quiet and solitude. As for the hostel, well I had booked a private room, ( about the size of a broom cupboard, but private nontheless, as I knew she would not be up for a dormer, but nor would I really, been there, done that and like my privacy.)

And yes, perhaps it doesn't change. I sometimes think I'm getting better at handling the AS challenges, and then I realise no I'm not, as I've just had a fight with dd over how rude she was when I said time to stop on the computer, as she's always SO rude, and I do not accept that she cant help it, as she's not rude to her teachers, and the rudeness is just outrageous sometimes that it's this constant barrage of negativity and anger that I just don't always have the energy for, and then I behave back in a way that I'm ashamed of afterwards, ie shouting back at her. Definitely not the role model I want to be.

I absolutely agree.



I actually started out too lenient, trying to always be understanding about his needs. Every time he threw a tantrum I would either give in or try to distract him. After several years of therapy he ended up going away to residential treatment. There, he hated how strict they were, but he came back a very changed child.

Then, I decided to take parenting classes and set better boundaries with him. I have crossed the line of being too strict, but even then I wasn't near as strict as they were in residential treatment.

My method since then is to be strict, but explain in a reasonable manner why I'm doing what I'm doing, and I also try harder than ever to connect with him. By connecting, I mean I have several meaningful conversations with him each day about what is going on in his life, in his head, etc... I do not rule by authoritarian means... I can't remember the last time I actually punished him for anything. We just set firm boundaries and he's expected to meet them. The computer time is a big deal. We told him last night that if he flunks any of his classes this term, he's going to have to earn 1 hour of computer time for every hour he studies. Period.



True again, and that's another reason I'm on here... to try to figure out what is reasonable and what isn't by observing other people's experiences and sharing in their knowledge.



I do not like that learned helplessness either, especially when my son uses it as an excuse not to do the things he doesn't want to do, but he excels in doing the things he does want to do. As far as the meltdowns go, they are rare nowadays. He has his own room outside of the house, it was my office on our property with a separate entrance, etc. He wanted his own space out of the house, I gave it to him.



Yep. I will tell you though... it may not sound like I've been through very much with my son, but I was told my many, many therapists, docs, and facilities that my son would NEVER make it on his own, and that he was one of the worst cases they had dealt with here. I felt for many years that I couldn't possibly address his numerous problems with the limited knowledge I had in parenting a child with special needs. I was young and didn't know what the heck I was doing. I've come a long ways since then, and so has my son...

I don't think so. I think it's boredom. This kind of thing is like... really, really, unbearably boring. Like going for long drives in the car, or sharing a meal with people you don't know, and it's really, really boring. And more than anything you just absolutely NEED to be back home, and this need is greater than every other need ever (or seems like it at the time; I've lately learned that life can get even more awful). And... honestly what you say makes more sense than how I feel.

Because it definitely feels like...

Wait.

Have I ever felt bored in other circumstances? Only when trapped places where people are socializing. I'm sure there have to have been other times... but I can't think of any right now...

I need a point of reference. What does boredom feel like?

You are being far to intellectual for me here (I laugh). The only time I used the word bored was as a child on a Sunday afternoon. No one to play drafts with. Its raining so I cant go out and there is nothing on the tv. Thats bored from a non aspie point of view. As an adult, I rarely suffer with it. I have too much to seek in my life, to much research, three daughters of varying demands and also employed in a job that is never without emails and new initiatives to fumble!

Now I Realise why life with my youngest has been such a hard road. How could I ever be bored?

Bored is almost a word made up by someone locked in a cell, closed in walls and pacing the floor!

On the other hand, wanting to be safe in your environment, where its calm comfy and you can do the things that interest you. Who doesnt? Going home, home is my favourite place... mmm maybe I do have some autistic traits. Home needs to be my haven and the last couple of years in particular, its been a living hell! I will sort it out, peace will reign and we will be happy again!

????????????????????????????

In a way it IS boredom-because nothing in the environment is pleasing or feeling interesting. That is boredom. As others have posted engaging them with an electronic device is helpful. Expecting our kids with notably less ability to tolerate frustration-and frustration can be brought on by boredom or a lack of anything interesting to do-to be quiet and act appropriately is not always best. That's why it's good to find things that help them feel entertained while we do the things that must be done. If my dd hated Chinese food and we all went to eat chinese and made her sit and watch us-just because she hates that food-she would be extremely frustrated (and rightfully so). I understand venting and being unwilling to adapt everything in your life to your son's needs but some of that HAS to happen-unfortunately it is just a part of being a parent.

See, being alone in a bare cell pacing sounds quite similar to what I do for fun. The stuff in my head could entertain me indefinitely. I was just in a situation where I was waiting in a public place and worrying about what if someone tries to talk to me or something or hurt me or think about me and... it was boring and I wanted to go home.

Just wanted to throw in my two cents, since this description of your daughter sounds a lot like me. When you asked her to stop using the computer, did you ask her out of the blue, with no warning? Because I throw fits that I can't control with my mom when she orders me to do something and doesn't warn me about it first. I just cannot tolerate unpredictability like that, especially if I'm engaged in a special interest. Since learning about Asperger's, my mom has gotten much better at asking things like, "In 10 minutes, could you do ____?" That way, I'm able to either finish what I'm doing or reach a stopping point that feels "finished" to me. I never was rude to teachers, either; I was always "teacher's pet." And this is because being rude to teachers was "breaking the rules." There's no set rule on being rude to your parents, so my mother has, unfortunately, always gotten the brunt of my anger.

As for the negativity and anger, well, I have this, too, and I know it can wear my mother out. She often says that "every other word out of [my] mouth is something negative." I don't know why this is. I just hate so many things in the world. I don't mean to be a downer, but I have very strong opinions that I feel I must voice.
-OddDuckNash99-

Thanks OddDuckNash that is indeed helpful to hear. Yes, the ten minute warning thing, it works sometimes, I suppose the times it doesnt work is when she's been absorbed in her computer game so much to the extent that she doesnt really concentrate on what I'm saying, (once she's taken the headphones off). She's also so keen for me to go and leave her in peace that she says "yes yes whatever" even though she hasn't fully taken on board what I've said. So there the answer lies as I type, make sure she has fully heard me before I leave.
I hope my dd will eventually use this website, I feel she could be helped so much , but she just doesnt go on it. However I know she commmunicates lots with her runescape friends, and I'm very happy she has that outlet.

Sometimes a "constant stream of negativity" is actually someone trying to communicate respectfully. Remember, we suck at social skills. I remember one particularly awful fight my mom and I had because I tried to make a joke to make her laugh and she thought I was, for the umpteenth time, saying something really mean. (Take a wild guess how most of the other really mean statements were meant.) It feels quite awful. You don't know why people think you're being negative or rude, but they don't believe you could not know, so from your POV, people get very angry with you and hurt you... and it's random. Just every so often someone decides to hate you. And they blame you... but you weren't (knowingly) doing anything to merit such hate. (And they feel rather the same way.) And you get into fights about who started it. You completely accidentally, with only the best of intentions (or occasionally intending to be slightly sharp, but not nearly as rude as you come off), manage to say something so utterly unforgivable that whatever anyone does to you afterward is justified. So they think you started it. But from your point of view you haven't done anything, and suddenly they're treating you like they just found out you're really secretly a nazi and murdered their mom and dad and pet rabbit and stole their favorite pair of pants. (People should really be polite to people who do awful things like that... but that's a different issue.) So of course, they started it, which you will insist on, and since it's clearly (to them) not true, they will accuse you of lying.

It really sucks. Sooner or later you figure out that it's always preceded by you saying something and always occurs in the presence of people. So you learn to shut up and hide. Those who don't experience this can never know how much it hurts.

But the people around you might well understand. Because out of the blue you can be quite rude. So they feel the same way if they like you. (Though they might just write you off.)

He sounds like me!



Your above statements belie themselves! How can you belittle him for needing what YOU so clearly need? How can you fault him for feeling as YOU do? If you bboth had the same ideas in mind, you would LOVE IT!



The problem with family. 8-(



TPWF!



Some stuff you attribute to him I have SO rarely approached BUT, given your apparent disdain and all for his feelings, I can understand it and may have done the same. TODAY, I would simply leave MYSELF.