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Confused about age appropriate consequences for a 18 yr old

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Lene
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22 Mar 2011, 5:12 pm

Well, it's a bathroom, and a small one, so maybe 'accidently' splash her clothes with the shower if she leaves them there.. and then leave them for her to pick up (if she doesn't, they'll get pretty mouldy)



momsparky
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22 Mar 2011, 6:49 pm

I think it's a legit consequence to take the clothes away, then - after working with her to make sure she understands what she's supposed to do, making sure she is actually able to do it, and letting her know that it's the consequence.

Keep in mind, if she's coming to the bathroom to find her clothes on the floor later, it may indeed be that you're asking her to do something that's really difficult for her. There is a huge complex sequence of stuff that has to happen in the bathroom: take clothes off, turn on water, check water temperature, get washcloth and towel, get in water, scrub face, scrub hair, rinse, etc., etc. I'm no good with complex sequences and frequently forget something (don't get me started on taking birth control pills: totally impossible for me. Yes, it's just a simple pill - but EVERY DAY? Impossible. Fortunately not an issue.)

All of us in our family drop clothes on the floor - we generally pick them up within a day or two. I think the idea of a picture-checkpoint to remind her what she's supposed to do might help. She may need reminders after the fact. You might also try having her undress in her room and wear a bathrobe in and out of the bathroom.



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23 Mar 2011, 12:10 am

Or actually, you can always get a cat. If you leave clothes on the bathroom floor too long with a cat, the cat will pee on them. I know this because I have a cat. They love to pee on clothes on the bathroom floor. They can't help themselves. especially if the clothes are pushed into a corner.



MommyJones
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23 Mar 2011, 7:00 am

Chronos wrote:
MommyJones wrote:
Since she lives at home with you then you have every right to take away "your" phone. Let's get that straight first. :wink:

I agree with arielhawksquill totally. My son is like this and I'm just starting to figure that out, thankfully. She may not want to do what you ask because, even though it is totally clear and simple to you, it may not be for her, and she doesn't want to do it because she doesn't really know, or remember even, what you ask. Give her a list, a visual, something to check off, make it clear as to what you expect.

Then:

Tell her that she needs to do this in order to "earn" the use of "your" phone. :) Give her the incentive she needs to learn the skill or do the chore. She is going to have to be an adult someday, and the more skills you teach her to be that person, the better off she will be.


I think you have some more figuring out to do....a list is fine for a younger child who's habits haven't cemented themselves yet but the OP's daughter is 18, well beyond the age that parents generally have the ability to mold such skills.

quote]

Chronos, I respectfully disagree. I think lists work for adults also, as it has for my husband who is 50. I cannot say to him "straighten up the house", I have to tell him exactly what to do, and give him a list so he remembers, and I have to do this every day, even if it's the same thing. When we met he shed everything as soon as he came in the house and put NOTHING away. After a while I got tired of cleaning up after him. After many arguments, once I figured out he needed something to reference he was much more willing to work with me. I really believe he didn't know what to do, it was that simple. He doesn't help with the housework much, but he does put stuff away and has developed some good habits, and he has learned to appreciate a clean and organized house and I don't have this issue anymore. Maybe being older and more mature helped with this, but sometimes you just need something to look at. I have also read posts on here where people use lists to get through their day.



momsrock
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23 Mar 2011, 8:04 am

thank you for the reminder to use lists and visuals as tools to get thru the days- as that is what has helped me the most also. she may be 18 but has lived with stress and frustration and being overwhelmed for much of her life and has not been able to focus on developing any systems of organization for herself. The age may be adult, but the steps to learning to live a productive life in a community or family are still pretty universal and picking up after one self is one imprtant skill to learn at any age- thanks for your imput it helps me see that we all learn in different ways no matter what our differences are



Azolet
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23 Mar 2011, 12:39 pm

Janissy wrote:
I'll dissent about the phone. I would leave the phone out of it because it isn't an "adult" consequence.

Since at 18 she is a legal adult, I think it's time for the consequences that actually happen to adults. What happens when an adult leaves her clothes on the bathroom floor? There is no effect on her phone. But her clothes get dirtier and they aren't where she expected them to be when she needs to get dressed later.

What am I saying? I'm saying just leave the clothes there. That's what would happen if she was in her own apartment. And then walk her carefully through the steps needed to care for her clothes. It might be obvious to you, but, like other posters said, not obvious to her.

The point of life skills isn't to get mom off your back or earn privileges. The point of life skills is to run your own life. Remove yourself from the consequence loop and just teach her when she wants to know. Which perhaps she will if she can't find her favorite shirt in her closet because it's still on the bathroom floor.

Or maybe she will live happily in clutter, like other posters. So then you mark off which space is hers to clutter up and which is not and leave her areas alone ."Close the door to her room and don't look" is the common solution.

I put my own personal effects on a counter, not a drawer, so maybe having some counter space be hers to clutter might work. Just demarcate so she is allowed only to clutter her section and not anybody else's. My husband and I actually do this with each other. We have counter space for his clutter and counter space for my clutter and with the addition of our daughter, now she has her own clutter areas as well. Everybody keeps stuff in its space and out of other peoples' space. Why on a counter instead of a drawer? Because all 3 of us have the same problem that maybe your daughter also has- in order to know where something is, we need to be able to see it. The solution is that everybody has their own clutter counter space and everybody knows where their stuff is, even if it looks cluttered to visitors.


I definitely agree with this advice! OP, your daughter sounds like me (and I'm still having trouble with some of the "personal responsibility" stuff!). But yeah, when I went to college, I did have to learn that, if I didn't do my laundry, I wouldn't have clean clothes, etc. (I "knew" this before college, but didn't really "understand" it.) Is your daughter going away to college? That is a great time for her to not only feel independent, but also to learn and fully understand the consequences of her actions. My mom and I were actually talking about it this morning, and she called it "baptism by fire" lol.


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Tracker
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23 Mar 2011, 1:31 pm

I can relate to this problem.

You see, when I get up in the morning I go to my bathroom (in my pajamas) and then undress to take a shower. But really, there is no place to put your pajamas, so I just leave them on the floor. After the shower, teeth brushing, and other various activities, I go back to my bedroom to get dressed, and half the time I forget about my pajamas and leave them on the floor. Then, when I am getting ready to sleep, I remember that my pajamas are on the floor and I go pick them up.

I can get away with this as I live alone, but I can see how it might bother somebody else. But anyways, if you are looking for a solution, I recommend you do something like put a 'dirty clothes' bin in the bathroom for her to toss her clothes into when she is getting undressed. You can hide the bin under the sink or in a closet if needed, clothes dont take up that much space. That way she has a place to put her clothes when getting undressed, and you don't have to walk over them when you use the bathroom.

Also, as far as taking away her cellphone, you need to realize that she isn't 5 years old anymore. You can't (or at least shouldn't) antagonize her for doing something which is mildly bothersome to you. You probably do things which she finds annoying too. Does that mean that she gets to take your car keys because you turned the TV up too loud and it bothered her? Does she get to steal your purse because you were vacuuming during her show and she found it annoying? The fact is that people who live together tend to annoy one another unintentionally. That doesn't mean you are justified in antagonizing them because of it. You need to just let some of the little stuff go and find mutually agreeable solutions where you can.


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