Sometimes I just would love my mom to fark off.

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Am I the only person who is going to try and appreciate Snivy's side?

Seriously, what in the world have you people read that makes you think that Snivy is anything like you are portraying her to be? Based on some of the responses, you'd think the opening post went something like this:

'Yeah, I was in my room, which I haven't cleaned in 2 months, getting high again and playing my WoW. I haven't gone to school, or looked for a job in a year, and thats fine cuz screw responsibility. I just want to play WoW all day long, and my mother is like, 'You need to help with the chores', and I'm like, 'chores? I don't want to do chores, I want to just sit here being high and lazy.'

If that is what Snivy had written, then I could see some of your responses being justified. But that is not what she wrote. Do you know what she wrote?

1. She IS doing something with her life. She is attending school, and furthermore she is being proactive about getting the help that she needs. I will agree that she probably shouldn't have switched her majors so often, but that doesn't detract from the fact that she has now decided her career choice and is working towards it. Just because she is taking longer then usual to finish college doesn't mean she isn't working at it, nor does it mean she is a lazy bum.

2. She isn't avoiding her responsibilities. She never said she is refusing to do chores, she just said that she doesn't want to be interrupted during her relaxation time for petty reasons. I see no problem with desiring peace and solitude to relax and recuperate after a hard day. And this whole business of 'WoW is bad for you, you shouldn't be playing it' is ridiculous. I have never played WoW, but I have played FFXI (another MMORPG). I put 7100 hours over the course of 5 years into that game, and I can tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Playing the game after I got home from classes really helped me to relax, unwind, and deal with all the stress that the day brought. Why is that a bad thing? Why do people treat online games as though they are horrible things that need to be banished?

Imagine if Snivy had decided to go out and spend some time hanging out with friends, perhaps going to movie theater to watch a movie together. If her mother had called her during the movie and asked her to come home and help her make the bed, then what would be your reaction? Would you say something like, 'Hanging out and watching movies with friends is a bad thing. You should immediately drop what your doing and go back to help your mother with this petty and unimportant task.' No, of course not. You would think the mother is crazy for bothering her daughter over silly things when she is out spending time with friends. Why is playing games online any different? You are hanging out with your friends, engaging in enjoyable activities. The only difference is that one involves a computer at home, and the other involves going out. But yet while people are supportive of things like going out with friends, spending time with other people, and what not, they revile online games as though they are some sort of horrendous thing. That's not reasonable, its just judgmental.

3. Snivy IS trying to take control of her own life. As the opening post showed, she is trying to get things done, and attend meetings WITHOUT her mother. She is showing independence, and yet people dismiss it as though she is just being a spoiled brat who isn't even trying. If working hard at school, and trying to take care of things yourself isn't showing independence and maturity then what is? I am seriously annoyed at the people who say things like, 'start acting like an adult and she will treat you like an adult'. What more does she have to do to act like an adult? Seriously, what more? She is going to college to prepare her for a career, she is being mature and handling her own problems without her mother's help, she is even taking the rational and important step of controlling her stress via calming activities (I.E. online games). Is your only complaint that she isn't working? Have you tried looking for a decent job in today's economy that doesn't require a degree?

I tried to avoid posting in this thread as I tend to get bothered by these sorts of reactions, but I am having a hard time remaining silent as I watch people pour vitriol out on this person who's only crime is trying to get some time alone to relax and unwind after a hard day. What would you rather have her do? Not take time to relax and just let the stress build up until she has a meltdown? I understand that the tone in her post was more of a rant then a serious discussion. But to tell her that she has no right to be upset, and insinuate that she is being an immature spoiled brat who deserves what she gets is just wrong. It is hardly the sort of advice or help that she actually asked for.

Now then, as far as the opening post's original question of what to do about this:
I would suggest sitting down and having a conversation with your mother. If she is reasonable, then you can probably come to some sort of agreement. Generally, when people act like this, it is for a couple reasons.

1. She may not understand how the game works. Often times, people who have never played a serious video game think these games are simple little things that can be easily paused and resumed. If their only experience with computer games is solitaire or minesweeper, then they aren't going to understand why you can't just pause it and come back later. They don't realize how complex the game actually is. So when your mother bothers you, she may think that all she is interrupting is something simple like minesweeper, and she thinks that asking for your help for 5 minutes isn't a big deal. Try explaining to her (as simply as you can), how the game actually works, and how complex it is, and how everybody needs to work together as a team in order to accomplish something. Your best bet here is to compare it to playing a sport like baseball. Tell her that asking you to take a 5 minute break would be like asking the first base man to take a break right in the middle of the 3rd inning for 5 minutes. Your team is relying on you, and you can't just pause and take a break in the middle of it.

2. She doesn't understand the importance of the game. Make sure your mother understands that this is more then just a brief distraction that you do to stave of boredom. Tell her that this is where you get to go when you have had a hard day and need to relax. Tell her that the game is a useful tool in helping you to remain calm, and that playing the game helps you to avoid meltdowns. Tell her that this game is a primary source of interaction with your friends and that constantly interrupting you when you are playing the game would be like calling you up and interrupting you while you are over at a friends house. Tell her that you need to have time by yourself without constant interruption in order to maintain good mental health, and that every time she interrupts you it just adds to the stress and brings you closer to meltdown. Basically, just tell her that you need time to be by yourself and relax because if you don't get it then you are just going to be too stressed out to function, and that won't be good for anybody.

3. She thinks you need to 'get out more'. A sad reality of humanity is that people tend to assume that everybody else thinks like them, has the same emotional desires, the same socialization needs, etc. This is often referred to as a 'theory of mind deficit'. Basically, people have difficulty understanding that other people think and perceive the world differently then they do. This is commonly seen in a parent who tries to interpret their child by their own way of thinking (instead of the child's way of thinking) and thus misunderstands what the child needs. It is likely that your mother is imposing her own desires for socialization onto you and thus thinking that you need more socialization, because that is what she feels she would need if she were in your position. Basically, she is trying to put herself into your shoes, but as she doesn't understand how you think, she doesn't understand that you don't need, nor want to 'get out more' as she does. In order to deal with this, I would suggest telling her that while you appreciate her attempts to help you, you do not appreciate her imposing her emotions. Just because she has a desire to be social, doesn't mean that you also have the same desire. You are capable of understanding your own emotions, and making your own decisions. She is more then welcome to give advice, but you are the one who must decide what advice to take, and you must decide how to act, not her.

4. She wants to spend more time with you. A somewhat common tactic that socially overactive people use is to find random excuses to spend time with somebody else. Your mother may be trying to engage you (ineffectively though) by interrupting your games under the pretense of needing your help. If this is the case, then perhaps she would feel better if you arranged a certain 'family time' at least once a week to get together and spend time with each other. Perhaps dinner and a movie, or dinner and a board game one night a week? If she felt as though she had some time to spend with you, she might spend less time bothering you when you don't want to be bothered.

5. Your mother wants you to do something, but she has no sense of proper timing. It is entirely possible that your mother is just in need of some help, and that asking you for said help is entirely reasonable. She just doesn't stop to think about how her need of assistance will affect those she is asking for help (see #1 and #2). To deal with this, I recommend telling your mother that you will gladly help her, but not when you are busy with something else. So, set up a time that you can help her. Perhaps Tuesday isn't good for you. Lots of classes wear you down, and you need the rest of the day off. But how about Wednesday? Just set aside some time, either before a raid, after a raid, on a certain day, or whatever to help your mother with her problems, and then honor that commitment. But make it clear to her that when you are busy, you do not appreciate being disturbed, and you will help her later, when you aren't busy.

Anyways, hopefully your mother is a reasonable person, and you can come to an understanding where she stops bothering you during your relaxation time. The problem may not be covered here, but overall, I still think that talking about it with her is more likely to resolve the issue then ranting about it to a forum. Best of luck to you.

Tracker and Snivy - when posting in a parent forum, you will likely get a parent perspective.

In general, we are pretty used to our kids, more so with our AS kids, being very self centered and not seeing our perspective. Most (not all)young people do this.

So, it is true that I jumped into a typical story, rather than specific. However, the initial post didn't sound like responsibility was being taken for the relationship and living situation, and did come across as being entitled to the living situation, which I think is important for all young people (AS & NT) to realize that they are not entitled to this. Free room& board is rarely free. Usually there is some sort of price. If one is to be very literal, it is important to figure out what the price is and be ready to pay it.

I think if you look at it this way and talk to your mom accordingly, you may have better luck. Also, this may sound juvenile, but can you talk with mom about the level of concentration you need when playing wow and ask that if you have your DND on the door (get a hotel do not disturb sign) that she not knock or come in. However, please know that I would only agree to this if my child had completed their part of the bargain. And then I am happy to communicate via txt.

The simple fact is AS or NT, many people want to just escape, but it is not a healthy attitude for life. Balance is what is necessary in all things. People can do too much of good things too. Some people relieve stress through exercise, which would be considered a healthy outlet; however, I know of husbands that spend way too much time pursuing this (they are not competitive) and their families suffer. At which point, their life is out of balance. Same with work. My husband tends to be a workaholic. I am very grateful for his efforts; however, sometimes I have to remind him that it is going too far. Not just in regards to us wanting to be with him, but I can tell it is hurting his health. People can use many things to try to excape their life, but balance is needed or it can ruin lives too. I think stress relief is needed and healthy. However, limits and balance are good practices to learn.


I just kicked out my very NT brother in law. He turned 32 in Feb., but I swear he acts more 22. He has never lived on his own. He has a college degree. After college he lived with my in-laws, then he moved here and lived with his other brother for two years, then when we moved back, he moved in with us for what was suppose to be 2 months, but it was 1 year with us before I said enough.

A few years ago, he quit his job and left where his parents live because he didn't want to work at a desk all day and he really wanted to live here where he graduated from high school and still had friends. Once here, he always worked, but never at jobs that, according to him, allowed him to make enough to live on his own (However, he could of course buy lots of toys.), so he lived with all of us for 3 years. During this time, all I have heard is why this job won't work or why he doesn't want that kind of job. (Apparently the perfect job is waiting out there for him.) He seems very picky for someone who is living off of others. He paid us not so much as one dime while he was here (We didn't want it.), but he never even offerred. He didn't so much as even clean up after himself. He shared a bathrooom with my sons and they were the ones who would clean up after him. My AS son cleans up more than this 32 year old "man". They even would clean his facial hair off the counter from him shaving. When he moved out the shower in that bathroom had mold growing in it. I had my sons take showers in another bathroom this past year as I refused to be his maid too. We had to twist his arm to take care of our dog when we went on vacation last summer. I would get so angry every time I saw my guest room. It had trash and food all over the floor. For the last year, I had been given several plans on when he was going to be out. None ever happened. He finally took a job his other brother got for him at the same company. He was suppose to get an apartment with a friend then. However, he finally told his parents he was in debt and needed to pay some of it off first. He then went out and spent big on his parent's and sister's Christmas gifts. We didn't even get a Christmas card. He has been at his job for six months and took a week off at Thanksgiving, 10 days off at Christmas, called in sick 2 times and took off for some snow days when it was optional to come in. The other brother who got him the job there almost never takes days off. His last story was he didn't want an apartment because he really wanted a garage for his car because he likes to work on cars. (He owns 2 cars.) So we then hear how my in-laws now plan on giving him the money for a down payment on a house because he hasn't saved a penny even living rent and utility free for his whole life. At this point, I lost it and said get out. He is now living in the other brother's house again until he finds a house for his parents to buy for him.

So, is this guy a grown up? Technically, he is 32, I would argue no since he seems to want all the fun and none of the responsibility. On the other hand, it wasn't like he was a bad guy. He doesn't drink or do drugs. He doesn't party. He goes to church. However, we felt like a hotel and like we were being unappreciated and used. My in-laws said he was depressed because his brothers had all been able to have these great jobs and families and it just hasn't "worked out" for him. I couldn't say it because of in-law politics, but my husband and his brothers have worked their butts off to get where they are. It didn't just fall out of a tree like they almost suggested. The difference was they were willing to suck it up and be in less than desirable circumstances to get ahead. My husband tried to get his brother on at his company, but they start everyone really low in pay, but you can work up quickly and the benefits are great. (My husband makes 6 figure now and has a nice 401K, but right out of college made very little.) His brother wanted nothing with a job that paid so low, even temporarily and even though he had no experience. His Dad had a great job for him, he wanted no part of it either. Sometimes small jobs can turn into great opportunities.

I realize you are young, AS, and it can be an even bumpier road transitioning to adulthood. Realize it is difficult for parents too. They are probably worried about your future and what will happen when they aren't there to take care of you and are trying to make sure you can be self-sufficient. Think about what your goals are and where you want to be in 5-10 years. Decide if you are spending enough time getting yourself there. Time will pass faster than you think and you don't want to be the 32 year old, still saying "dude" and acting 22.

I know exactly what you're going through. The thing is you have no idea or any inkling of what to. This is some of the issues I have with the parents. How does telling your children they're lazy or selfish teach them anything? What Snivy wants to know is what are the detailed step by step instructions of how to get a job? How exactly should she proceed?

Well I will try to give you some advice myself Snivy. Do some online research. One of the things I have found out is that the jobs that are online and in the newspaper constitute only about 15% of the jobs that are out there. The thing is most jobs are heard of through social networking. The employers hire by word of mouth. My opinion is we aspies need to go around this entire employment system altogether. One way is through self-employment. My question to you Snivy is what skills do you have?

@cube

Exactly. My little brother didn't know what clean was. What was clean to him was clean but mom would go upstairs and check it was still messy, even I would think it was still a mess and think he lied. So he started to change his answer to "I don't know" because he didn't know what clean was to us. The problem was I didn't even know he had his own perception of cleanness. I thought he was wrong and thought how could he not know. But one day mom had to show him her perception of cleanness so she cleaned the playroom with him and showed him that is cleanness.

I bet asking if something is clean is a vague question because something might look clean to someone but messy to someone else all because the carpet needs to be vacuumed or things still need to be picked up. But to the person it's still clean because it's not a pigsty. Telling someone to clean the kitchen or whatever is vague because what is clean? What do you want done to the room? Do you want polishing to be done or dusting or vacuuming or organizing the drawers or cupboards, or do you want stuff to be put away only? Do you want the lights to be dusted?

This is an issue lot of parents probably have with their kids. They complain how their kids lie to them and never listen and how they are lazy but they don't ever stop and think what is clean for their child. They don't even think to help their child clean and show them what they mean by clean. Clean is a vague word. They don't even tell them the steps or even inspect the room to tell them what still needs to be done. My mom used to inspect my brothers bedroom or the playroom to tell them what still needs to be done. It was like she was a supervisor and my brothers were the employers because she point out the flaws they missed or didn't do and tell them to clean it up. Heck when people get jobs as a housekeeper, they are shown how to clean and what needs to be done. It's the same with janitors.

I remember when I was six, mom told us kids to clean our bedrooms. She said my room was a mess but to me it was clean. Nothing was out or lying around so how was is not clean. I realize I should have asked her "What needs to be cleaned in my room?" but I didn't think of it then. But instead I took stuff off my shelves and put them back and mom thought I was goofing off and not cleaning and I said I was cleaning. I was in there all day to clean my room and I had no idea what I needed to clean so there I was trying to figure out what I needed to clean. I am sure my mom didn't know what was going on either so she didn't even think to show me what is messy to her and help me clean it to show me.

http://homepages.sover.net/~thepcc/AR%2 ... tions.html

I wish parents would follow these things especially this: