Blurting out in class - again

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perfect example of putting blinders on and only seeing things their way

doesnt want to listen, they have a fit and go stomping off, and we have social issues?

dont disagree with my beliefs, listen...

I dont desire any recognition ,my upward struggle is with tryin to be nice about this

Did you ever hear "once I was blind but now I can see"

find me hard to read? Hmmm? cant understand me Hmmm?

"Yelling" is his perception of it. Im trying to get people to think.

as for telling someone who is trying to help " No start your own thread" is rude and childish

And thats coming from an aspie.also..really?

and I'm sorry if "your" feelings are hurt by being told this...........

Great...now I feel bad ....

That makes one of us!

I hope the parent comes back and reads what has been said. I am a parent of an ASD kid too and I know how hard it can be. It doesn't get "less difficult" because I'm also "a unique snowflake". It downright sucks sometimes. As much as I love my kid I sometimes wish it was easier for him to "just fit in". It makes our lives as parents more challenging when our kids don't. Having to deal with speculation at to why that is from outside sources like teachers, schools, relatives, etc. is an incredible stress on parents, especially those of us who really do love our kids and want the best for them (which is most of us).

I really get this parent's frustration. I've been there myself. I wish my kid would just GET that the little boy who just wants to be his friend at one of our weekly playground meetups with other homeschoolers just wanted to be his friend and isn't out to annoy him on purpose. I wish he would GET that he's three years older than this boy and I wish he could be more gracious about the situation and not fall apart because this little guy won't give him any space and is too demanding of his attention. As an adult I can see that the little boy worships my son and just wants him to pay attention and be his friend. Right now my son can't do that and we have to work extra hard at this social group on a weekly basis. I am thankful the other parents are kind about it all because otherwise it would be embarrassing.

It's frustrating to have to go over these things so often and often as parents we just wish they'd "just get it". It's hard to have people judging us based on our children's behaviours (and boy do they), even if we get that they are behaving in a specific way because of AS. It's also difficult sometimes to find the balance between pushing our kids to overcome certain difficulties and being understanding that they have those difficulties in the first place. We do our best to remember that having autism isn't carte blanche to be an arse. Some folks struggle with that.

We have "regression" at our house. My son will get something and then we have a setback and we have to go over it all again, sometimes over and over again. It can be exhausting, so I really do feel for this parent and I honestly get it. Sometimes when we're just worn out it's hard to see the big picture. Sometimes we just need to vent, too.

My son blurts out in class sometimes, but the truth is he really wants to please - he just doesn't understand why he has to do these things he hates doing. I don't go the "it's good for you" route -- it would lead to an argument without end.

What seems to work for us, is saying, "You know, your teacher would really like if you did what she asks. It would make her really happy. She does many things for you, and cares about you. When you say you hate something your teacher is teaching - you hurt her feelings. Do you think you could keep quiet about not liking math, even if you hate it? It's okay to hate it... just don't tell her about it. Do your best and if you do well, good, and if you don't do well - that's okay too. If there is anything going on at school that you can't solve, or you can't stand - tell me at home about it and we'll try to work it out.... and if you want - I'LL talk to her about it."

just a quick reply, sorry,,,,,aspie mind and to the point >please re word to child and I didnt catch age

most of my friends are teachers, and fyi ...one I hate it leads to more, the teacher doesnt need that.

you cant just hate it ..there is a reason for hating it.....find it......

"it's good for you"..I still hate green beans, even if they are good for me,I just dont eat them

It is OK to ask if you dont understand, There are probably others in the class that also dont understand, and dont want to ask in fear that it would make them look bad.You would be helping them out and would appreciate it and hopefully be thankful that someone asked.and .the teacher would like it to .

If it is too easy, "wait and see how many others figure it out", if you know it give the teacher a sign that you know it.,,ie hand flat on desk on the corner, or a nod, tell him ways to let them know one way or another

The did what she tells him to do route wont work, or making her happy, she just doesnt like it when she is interupted. the whole rules thing. It simply isnt...thats the way it is

If he doesnt want to ask out loud in class offer an alternative, like write down the question and ask after class, teachers like that, it shows effort

Ive been trying for 47yrs, its hard ,but possible !

If he is trying to please, show him how to please the teacher, and the classmates,and yourself its ok to raise your hand and ask You just did

"these are the rules we dont understand"...
teach him those and why,

my math teacher friend talks in circles saying the same thing over and over and over and wording it differently, and never a straight answer. my fellow aspie and IT teacher look at each other and say....."she never answered the question" or " she did just give 3 answers to 1 question didnt she"

This is the main reason my son has issues with math. He gets confused by all the different ways to do the same thing and gets agitated trying to figure out the "right" one.

As for blurting in class.. If he isn't worried about it, and the teacher isn't getting mad about it.... then don't worry about it. Sure, other kids are annoyed by it or whatever, but that's part of life. I don't go into a restaurant with the expectation that everyone there will chew with their mouths closed. I wish that they would. It's disgusting and drives me absolutely nuts, but I can't expect them to conform because it makes me feel better. That's part of life.

It is a very real possibility that this is a case of the mouth verbalizing what the brain is thinking with no conscious decision to do so. How can you regulate that?

With my son, his blurting out has to do with non-specific instruction or questions. "Does anyone have a comment?" or "Any questions?" My son has TONS of comments and questions... Getting the teacher to specify that comments or questions should pertain to the current material, that's the problem.

Aaaah. Would it help to translate for him and rehearse what the teacher actually means by these questions? We have to practice this stuff a lot at home. I still have to stop a moment and translate what people mean when they make broad statements like that to me, and sometimes I still get it wrong.

I've tried doing it with this and similar things, and I'm not sure if it's the ADHD or what, but he doesn't seem to retain it... or in the moment, he just doesn't care.. I'm not sure.. It's kind of like beating a dead horse. Lately, I'm trying not to make a big deal out of stuff like that. In the last two months or so, whenever I point out that maybe something should have been handled differently, he hangs his head and says, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." It breaks my heart. He doesn't need to be so hard on himself... so I'm trying to save them for when it REALLY matters... and in truth... there aren't that many that REALLY matter.

What about a tiny visual he can keep on his desk that others can't see as a reminder? Maybe something he can draw on a notebook that will help him make that connection about blurting out in class that nobody else would notice as a "visual aide" like a little doodle of a person raising their hand from a desk? We use a lot of visual reminders (myself included). A little ASD guy in a class we did with homeschoolers recently did something similar. The facilitator asked a question about a specific picture and he went off in a diatribe about a similar situation (he made a connection, obviously) that had nothing to do with the topic (as most would see it). After the five minute monologue was over, we were all able to see where he had made a connection even though it had nothing to do with the topic at hand (exactly).

I might have a lightbulb moment of genius about tools to help with this specific situation. I haven't come to it yet with my son, but will ruminate on it for a bit. One idea might be something like creating a visual of the solar system. Earth is math class, Venus is English, etc. If you are doing a math class, you are on Earth. If the teacher from Earth asks if you have any questions or comments, you would not discuss the whole solar system, only where you are at presently, so your questions and comments have to be about Earth (math). Maybe.... Tricky one!

Hey Burnt Out Mom;

IMO ...great attitude !

Realizing your not going to win all ..the battles, and picking the ones that REALLY matter. Making a big deal, usually ends badly. and in more frustration.

just a quick comment, when pointing out situations that could be handled differently,point out the clues and the situation ...cause and effect

You may ,or may not want to point out how the" Im sorry" makes you feel. Possibly ask him to say just "ok" or "got it"..."no need to feel sorry",tell him"we are just working on it",or even say, "when you get older you'll be teaching me stuff"

The term tough love goes both ways,Its hard on the heart and hard to sacrifice ones own,

And you dont seem burnt out at all.....

fyi> You ever read those questions, there was 4 of us reading some regents questions tonight and not one of us could figure out what the question was,..(IT,Math,Psyc, and Me) I know you know the kind of question that on test day, there is some teacher yelling out corrections to the exam "question 4 should read....."

"never give up, never surrender"
buzz lightyear...It works for all ages

I had thought I was always good at picking my battles.

Realizing that giving me attention (looking at me) during a conversation was not in his control.
Realizing that he "has a system" and is not being defiant. He'll do what I WANT him to do when he's finished with what he HAS to do.
Realizing that he needs help with transitions.
Realizing that schedules and continuity are not just good for him, but REQUIRED.
Those types of things I learned years ago, long before we had any diagnosis whatsoever...

Coming here, I've realized that I was still hoping to "change" him... Fix his quirks... Now, I focus more on just helping him cope. And I have to say, I didn't realize that my goals really equated to trying to change the person that he is.
Realizing that when he yells at me, he's yelling at his frustration... it isn't personal, he's just not coping well. And I don't just ignore it, but I don't get angry anymore.
Realizing that when he says things that embarrass me, that's MY problem. I shouldn't care what others think. I still tell him that I don't like it, but I don't get angry.
When we go somewhere, and he can't maintain appropriate behavior, I scope out a secluded area where we can go so he can run and jump and spaz it out.
Realizing that sometimes we have to find ways around his difficulties, and that straight through in the standard way just won't work.
Ohhh the big one... Realizing that I can't force him to go with the flow and it isn't fair to try to force him. It will just lead to meltdown, and I'm setting him up to fail. If he has friends over, I gently try to get them to compromise, but I don't force.. If I notice him getting frustrated, I offer a solution.. but if they don't go for it, I just send everyone home for a half hour and let Ben chill... then if he wants to get his friends again, he can.

I'm working on it just as much as he is... and I feel like we're coming out on the positive side. Really, I cannot tell you how much change I've seen in the last month or so. He's having a much easier time coping.

hahahaha Thank you. But OMG, I have my moments. There are times when I feel that we've tried EVERYTHING.. Nothing works. I feel like I'm failing my son. I just want him to have a healthy, happy life... and I feel at a loss as how to do that for him. Fortunately, we've had a very good week. I've made incredible breakthroughs with his teacher. (She's going to let him do math with the system that my son and I discovered works for him.. and she's letting him have unscheduled sensory breaks... HUGE for us.) And... changing MY goals and expectations really has reduced MY stress level.



I'm tiptoeing around this one right now, trying to figure out the best road to take. The thing is that this is replacing his "puffing up" behavior. Prior to this, he would get in my face and yell with a "who the hell do you think you are?" attitude. Not just me.. other kids, other adults... Cub Scout leaders. I was always afraid he would 'puff up" to the wrong kid and get his ass whupped. He's not a fighter, at all. The only time he's ever hit was when he kicked an adult who was breaking up a disagreement between neighborhood kids and my son didn't like the way his friend was being spoken to.

So now, he has replaced "puffing up" with the "I'm sorry" chant, and running to his room to cool off. Running to his room is great, he cools off... we talk.. everything good. When he does his "I'm sorry" chant, I tell him it's ok, everyone makes mistakes.. this how maybe we can handle it better and I explain that if I don't try to give him better options so that he can try NOT to make the same mistake, then I'm not doing my job as a parent. Parents are supposed to try to give their kids good advice.

I have tried very hard to adopt an "Oh well, no big deal. We'll try to do better next time."

Though it does make me sad to have him overly apologizing... I think it's better than "puffing up"... and I'm viewing it as a change in assignment of responsibility to a situation.. Not everything is someone else's fault... He's owning up to some of it.. However, I don't want him taking on too much of it. We just need to find the balance.



Hmmmm I will have to think about this... doing it in a way that will make sense for him. I fixed his restroom issues (that's the only place in school that he seems to always get into trouble) with a simple checklist. The 4 things he must do, which ends with "get your butt back to class." He does very well with checklists.

Ben is very affectionate. Last year he had a problem with randomly getting up during instruction to give his teacher a hug and tell her how great she is. She devised a system where he got 2 cubes a day that he kept in his pocket and when he really felt he NEEDED to give her a hug at a time that wasn't appropriate, he had to "cash in" a cube, so he had to evaluate whether this time was really dire enough to give up a cube when he might wish he had it later. This system worked very well for him.

So I will certainly think on this.

Thank you

I think you're doing an awesome job, Burnt. I hope you stick around here long enough to help me out when mine gets to be your son's age.

Hahaha. thank you ominous, and I don't think I'll be going anywhere any time soon. I still have a lot to learn.

I find it amazing how much a little support, positive advice, tough truths, and forward momentum can change a person's outlook and confidence.

I don't get that any where else.

Yeah, I think I'll be around here for a bit.

not every single thing an asd child does is directly because of asd. they are children first and foremost. impulse control, such as blurting things out, is something ALL children need to learn, its not present at birth. and being individuals, they will have varying degrees of success at learning this skill. it is, however, a VERY valuable skill to learn, and not something we should just give up on because they are asd.

if this is an issue that was resolved previously, and is now happening again, i dont buy the argument that its just part of asd he cant control. something has changed to bring it out again, but that doesnt mean its uncontrollable.

we have experienced impulse control issues with our 14 yo aspie, and its an ongoing problem. he lacks a good filter between his brain and his mouth. part is sensory, when startled or surprised, he lacks control to stop blurting.

we are also experiencing this with our 7 yo NT, who has developed a HORRIBLE habit of whining over everything and making this really annoying "EEEHHHHHH" buzzing growly grunty noise when he doesnt like what you say to him. he will make this noise repeatedly, after everything you say. i am almost ready to tape his mouth shut. for this child, it is a learned behavior that has become habitual and not true impulse control.

for impulse control, we use verbal prompts after the first blurt. thats usually a good reminder to them to work on it while respecting that its not completely within their control. for the habitual stuff, we also give a verbal prompt, but its along the lines of "your behavior is not acceptable and needs to be adjusted"; we actually sat down with our 7 yo and came up with this reminder so he knows exactly what it means and the consequences. then if it happens again, its a 10 minute timeout from whatever activity was causing the whining/blurting, or if it was in response to things said, a 10 minute timeout cleaning your room.

as for math, asking a child why is always good practice, but keep in mind a child with communication/sensory issues may not be able to tell you. also, there may not be a reason why, and asking may only confuse the child. some of us just dont like math. *i* dont like math, i cant tell you why really, i just dont care for it. its not about how its directed or told to me, its not about the lights in the room, its not that i cant do it, I JUST DONT LIKE MATH. asking me why isnt going to get you an answer, it will only annoy and frustrate me, because i cant tell you why.

OP, if your child really doesnt like math, thats ok to acknowledge, as long as he understands it still has to be learned. maybe he needs a different way to express his feelings, like a stress ball he can squeeze 10 times before he starts working on the math, or writing his feelings down in a notebook. make sure the math lessons arent catching him by surprise either, it needs to be consistently scheduled so he knows when its coming. it may help for him to have reminders 5 and 10 minutes before math starts, so he can mentally prepare for the unpleasant task. just make sure he knows its ok to not like it, but its not always ok to disrupt those around you because you dislike it.

Maybe that's just his way of saying "your behaviour is not acceptable and needs to be adjusted."

well that wouldnt be his call, would it, considering he is a 7 yr old child and we are his parents. he doesnt get to rudely interrupt us or make noises at us when we speak to him simply because he doesnt want to take out the trash or pick up his toys. nor does he get to evaluate our behavior. he is a pretty reasonable and logical child usually, which is why we talked this over with him.

the actual phrasing is not set in stone, but was chosen not for him or i, but for his autie father. being autistic, he cant handle the whining and it overwhelms him quickly. the script gives him what to say so he doesnt end up yelling out of frustration. im sure i dont have to explain to anyone here the value scripts can have in helping autistics communicate when overwhelmed.

i suppose i could have let the yelling continue, but then i'd be accused of treating the autistic poorly by letting him get sensory overwhelmed instead of treating the child poorly by trying to correct his behavior.

Our kids are evaluating our behaviour all the time, irrespective of it we like it or not. We don't do whinging and yelling at our house either, I suppose I just discuss it in a less dominant fashion when it comes to my child. *I* work hard to not yell, speak too loudly, invade my son's space or whinge and I expect the same in return. I realise a lot of my son's behaviour has developed because he watches/mimics my own. He uses the same language I use when he gets frustrated, so I can't help but realise he's doing what I do.

I know families where Dad yells his head off and the children are supposed to behave differently because of the hierarchy in the family. The mother reacts to the child with "you're so cute when you're angry." All kinds of mess in that. I'm trying to do something in between dominant "because I am the adult and you're the child" (the way I was raised -I am now estranged from my parents-) and this flip side.

It's good to read you spoke to him about the issue and you have a lot of valid points. I do have problems with "the autistic" used as an identifier for anyone's child, maybe that put me on the immediate defensive.