Why can two adults share a bed,but a child must sleep alone?

Post Reply New Topic

This is the first time I've been on this side of this particular issue. Usually, I am criticized because my 9 year old doesn't put himself to bed. I lay with him or read to him almost every night, unless he's at the sitters or if he's fallen asleep before I get in to his room.

As a single parent and a college student, I had to have roommates and therefore my son and I had to share a room until he was almost 5. At that point my rule became that I expected him to go to bed in his own room but if he woke up during the night and if I was in bed already, he could come into my room. He does it maybe 2 nights a week now. He's an only child so unfortunately he doesn't have a sibling to share a room with, just as I didn't. I never slept with my mom until after the age of 3, I was not given permission to crawl in bed with her during the night. Sure some nights I was scared, but I learned how to deal with it and eventually I quit being scared. I dunno, I guess I consider that part of growing up.

I think it's odd that all throughout these threads parents are told that their child's privacy should be respected, that we should knock on doors before entering bedrooms, etc... but we aren't allowed to have our own privacy in our own bed. And I feel criticized for wanting to have sex in my bedroom where I can close and lock the door.... and instead I should be sneaking out to my living room, bathroom, or kitchen table? Really? Can't I save those for adventure time when my child isn't home? As a single parent to a child who gets attached to people very easily, my son doesn't usually meet boyfriends unless they've been around for quite awhile... They come over after he's gone to sleep and because I have my own bedroom, he's usually none the wiser.

I consider the time after my son goes to bed as MY TIME. I don't care if that sounds selfish. I give him every waking moment when he isn't at school and I'm not at work. I don't take control of the tv until he goes to bed (unless its an American Idol night.. but he loves it too). I save my personal phone calls for after he's gone to bed. If I want a drink, I save it for after he's gone to bed.

I'm not trying to sound like a heartless b***h, but good god, I'm a person too.

BurntoutMom, I'm right there with ya! Both our boys know that if they are scared at night they can come in to Mommy & Daddy's room but I try to encourage them sleeping in their own rooms as much as possible. The day is long and the part of it that isn't taken up by work revolves pretty much exclusively around the boys. I need just a little time to myself after they have gone to bed to just decompress and I get much better sleep when there are only 2 in the bed instead of 3 or 4.

In a family, the needs of every member have to be balanced. Many parents are simply unable to get sleep if they co-sleep, and for them the issue of keeping the kids in their own beds becomes important to their sanity. For other parents, co-sleeping helps the child sleep and that ends up working out better.

I do take issue with the experts who believe a child "must" learn to sleep on his own. There is no "must." To me, that's hogwash. There are just needs: the child's and the parents. You do whatever works best for your unique family.

I don't think Aspie1 is implying that adults aren't allowed privacy...what he's saying is that it's difficult to explain this to a small child who doesn't understand what sex is (which is in large part the reason adults share a bed.)

It's actually part of a bigger problem with parenting an Aspie, and one well worth talking about: Aspie kids require a logical explanation for everything. Some things can't be explained, some things shouldn't be explained until a child is developmentally ready, and sometimes parents don't have time to explain. It's a really difficult part of parenting. I keep explaining to my son that he needs to trust me, that I have reasons (I do this when I DO have time to explain the reason, not when we're in trouble,) but it's difficult for him.

For us, DS can understand that our bedtime and his bedtime are different; he knows adults have different sleep needs than children, which is a logical reason why he has to go to bed on his own. We've also let him know that we need some time to ourselves as adults to do adult things (which mostly means watching TV he isn't ready to watch - right now, we're too tired for much else.) I think these are good reasons why a child has to sleep on his or her own.

When he was smaller, we had a pull-out couch in his room and if he was having a really tough time one of us would sack out there within arm's reach. He still has a lot of anxiety, which we do what we can to alleviate. Unfortunately, we weren't able to co-sleep for long because it's a bit like sleeping with a functioning helicopter propeller.

for the record, I co-slept with my parents until a late age. After that I still had problems and I slept with my younger sibling. I don't know the exact age that it stopped. I do not think I ever questioned the sleeping arrangements. I was just told that there wasn't enough room in my parent's bed and sleeping with a sibling would make us stay up late.

My son slept in our room until he was 6 mos old, then I started sleeping in his room on a bed beside the crib. He was such a horrible sleeper until he was 3 yrs of age, i spent most of my night in his room anyway. He is almost 6 now, and we have a pretty good routine down for him. He goes to sleep fairly easy with all of his stuffed animals in his own bed, but sometimes (not often) he still wakes up, and I just go in and stay with him until he goes back to sleep. On weekends, he comes and jumps in our bed for cuddle time.

It just works out better for us that he goes to bed on his own since he goes to bed around 8:30, and we stay up til about 11:30 or midnight.

I don't think anyone is implying that parents aren't allowed privacy and that you should have sex on your kitchen table. What works for your family doesn't work for everyone else's and the reverse is also true. This is why as a single parent I stay single. I am not willing to compromise my parenting style or beliefs regarding how to raise my son for any romantic relationship, irrespective of whether said romance takes place on the kitchen table or in a bed.

when we move out of our parents house, its generally when we are adults ourselves. sleeping alone at 18 is vastly different than at 8 days, or 3 years, or even 10 years old. sleeping alone doesnt have to start the second they are pulled from the womb, there is plenty of time to learn that skill before they are ready to move out.

my thoughts certainly arent to criticize anyone who wants to sleep alone without their children, thats every parents right to choose for themselves. perhaps it could be considered a criticism of those who choose to criticize co-sleepers, tho =) because that right to choose is mine, too. after three kids in my bed for years, i cannot count how many people have tried to tell me its unhealthy or dangerous or "not right". but it works for us.

i dont think "weird" is a reason not to do something. my family already qualifies as "weird" for having a stay at home dad. its "weird" that our 5 yr old is still in diapers. my oldest is "weird" because he is a boy who loves musicals. we are "weird" because we dont socialize. my SO is "weird" because he doesnt look at or talk to people. so maybe its "weird" that my 5 yr old co-sleeps. whats one more "weird" thing to us? around here, weird is normal.

once upon a time, women wearing pants was weird, too. im glad it didnt stop women then, cause i hate skirts.

I just wanted to quote this so I could take out my imaginary pom-poms made with deer antlers and raven's feathers and do a little cheer for you.

Thanks setting the records straight. It seems like we get along pretty well on this forum. It is indeed a difficult question; that's why the Dad was speechless in the original dialog snippet. As for bedtime differences, I saw it as unfairness in its purest form. (Having to sleep alone in and of itself didn't bother me too much.) After all, it's not like I was going to to fall asleep before 11:00pm anyway, even if I went to bed at 9:00pm. So why bother putting me to bed that early? Frequent insomnia during childhood comes "standard" with AS, I suppose.

Yes, it's very, very different. First of all, at age 18, we know that when we see something scary while asleep, we're sure beyond a shadow of doubt that it's just our mind messing with us, rather than worrying about it being real. Second, we have easy access to alcohol and sleep medication, so if we ever have trouble falling asleep, we can easily drink a shot of vodka or take a melatonin pill, at any moment we choose. Plus, those with sufficient social skills can find a sleeping partner , if you will. Children don't have those luxuries (and rightfully so!, but still), instead having to rely on their own underdeveloped coping methods. Those tend to be pretty ineffective, resulting in countless adults having vague but significant memories of nightmares they had as children.

Thank you, Aspie1, you made my day.

I consider our conversations practice for when my own son is in college, and I really, really appreciate them.

To be honest, if my child was capable of asking this question I would tell them it's because mother and father want a bonk, and explain what that is in terms that they could understand. I would also explain that this is not something that can be done in front of children, that we need our privacy, and that's the end of it, and also that sex is not something that should ever be mentioned in conversation with anyone outside of home.

I don't really see why sex has to be "developmentally appropriate" as a subject...it's the explanation that has to be appropriate. The subject matter is not intrinsically problematic.

I am neither for or agents cosleeping and if my kids would just sleep with us and not wake me up every 30 minutes I would love to have them in our bed, even a kign size bed never seems big enough!

I am not sure how everyone elses kids are, but I know my son sleeps so much better alone and he has been this way since birth. We actually tried to cosleep since he was born and had him in our bed for 8 weeks. He woke up every 2 hours on the clock and at 8 weeks I put him in his crib for the first time and he started sleeping 3-4 hours at a time. I knew right away that we were both getting a better sleep in our own beds.

Now he has fears and if he wakes up and comes to our bed we let him stay there as long as he sleeps. But he has crazy legs and does not stop moving so no one gets any sleep.

While I would hate to share a bed with anyone, I don't understand why an adult would share a bed with a child.

My daughter age 10 and my son age 7 have their own rooms, but they are going through a "scared" stage at the moment and like to share the same bed (my daughter has a double bed). Once or twice a week I have them both in bed with me when my husband works overnight. it gets very cold where i live, so its cosy to all share during the winter. and as I am a working mum I certainly don't complain about having one less bed to make in the morning.

on weekends it is not unusual to wake and find me, my husband, son, daughter, dog and cat in or on the bed together. I always joke that it a good thing our pet goats live outside. Ha!

i think that co-sleeping is fine providing it works for the family.

I think one of the arguments or claims we should be talking about is the people who think "bed is for sex". That's one of the things right there, "bed is for sex".
We have this ideology that bed is for sex, so if a child goes into a bed...you see where this is going.

A long time ago in roman and midieval and even some other countries, children slept with their parents. Families slept together. Part was of course small homes. But the other part was because of connection.

I mean take any tribal culture and families still sleep together.