Coping with changes when teenage daughter gets pregnant

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Have offered help with car seats already but not sure if I'll be taken up on it yet. It's still fairly early and they're wanting to wait a bit before they do too much, difficult to try not to tell them that though the days might drag by, the weeks will fly!

I hadn't thought about that she might find it harder to face me than her mam.

I think one of the things a Dad can do is make sure a daughter in a situation like this believes in her choices. Remember that the overwhelming emotion she is likely to be experiencing is one of restriction. Yes, she is making a choice to have the baby, but at her age all the ways she might actually accomplish that are blind to her. It sounds like she is trying to be responsible and do the right thing, but is raising the baby on the farm really the best way to do that? How hard has she looked at the possibility of other ways?

She is with a man much older than her. How much is she deciding for herself and how much is she taking his lead? Think hard about that, or encourage your wife to (not exactly an AS thing, interpreting the dynamics in relationships), and if the relationship is healthy, or if he's pushed her into things she wasn't ready for. How will that play out for them as co-parents, and for your daughter?

You probably do need to give it a little time before you start this conversation with her, because things are still sinking in for everyone, but you could use that time to brainstorm with your wife all the ways you might support her that would help her build the best possible path for herself and the child (with or without the boyfriend).

Right now she has probably made a lot of assumptions on what you will and won't accept. But some of those will be wrong, and changing them could open doors she feels are closed.

Let's be blunt. The situation stinks. This isn't what any of us dream for our kids, and your daughter isn't ready for what she is taking on here. Do allow yourself to spend some time releasing those negative emotions away from your daughter, too.

Thanks for all the advice so far, I managed a few words with her tonight but she was heading out the door to her school leaving dinner as I was getting in from work. She seemed in fine enough form and took my advice over her friends as to what shoes to wear, so I take that as a good sign!

The boyfriend is a nice enough guy and his family really seem to like her. My wife and I get on well with his father (his mother left when he was young). They are pleased for him, but surprised due to my daughter's age.

We haven't met up with his father since the discovery but suspect that he'll be very supportive as we'll also try to be.

Have found a couple of sports events that I know my daughter would want to go to and have flagged them up to her, she's as yet undecided. probably not get to go with her alone to them as her elder sister and younger brother would come too, but I hope it shows I'm still thinking of her as part of family and not excluded from anything.

We already had one event planned next weekend ( A Kings Of Leon concert), but she's bring a friend who doesn't know so we won't be able to discuss anything babyish but I'm not sure that's important, just spending some time with her will be enough. It's a 4 hour drive there and then 4 hours back, plus now she has no excuse for not driving and letting me have a beer.

I just needed some time to come to terms with things and here is a great place to vocalise my thoughts, get some good advice and where I could do it at my pace without having to have a face to face conversation. Much as I love my wife she is just way too emotional at times!

I also agree with the above to find a way to get her on her own and ask her if she wants to keep the baby.

They had unsafe sex and got themselves a baby. What circumstances led to the sex with contraceptions?
Something, I my bias feelings, is wrong in the foundations of their relationship.

Did she feel she had to try and force the families to accept the relationship by getting herself pregnant?
Did she feel insecure with the guy and turn him into a sugar-daddy? (I am not joking; I just don't know better words)
Was he so uncontrollable of his libido, that even she felt the frustration and felt that it was her duty to respond? to the point of having no contraceptives too? (they should have had contraceptives!! !! !)

If there is an acceptable understanding that gets around the above; then fine. If not, then they need some level intervention within to help their growing minds.
You especially have to monitor them so she does not get dependent on the older guy. That dependance will have a huge effect on her self-image and future studies. AKA, keep up with her studies, in a way that she enjoys the university environment and the break from home-life.

All you need to do is keep in interaction with them. And intervene where you think is necessary; their will be a lot of conflict, but I feel it necessary.

Well you should talk with her about her reservations to continue with university and try to help her find ways to work around them.

do not ask her those things. as an NT girl, i can say, if you ask her those things she will likely be offended, feel very uncomfortable and possibly feel attacked. NO girl wants to discuss things like that with her father. those are extremely private things a girl that age is not likely do even discuss with girl friends or siblings, let alone a father. forcing her to discuss intimate details like those is not going to help her want to work on a relationship with you. yes, they should have had contraceptives. maybe they did, these things are not 100% especially when used by younger girls as they often forget or have trouble following the schedule properly. the fact is that at 17 she is pretty much a grown up and she has the choice to work on the relationship or let it slip. be supportive, offer advice when asked, or when not asked if it's something really important. just be there for her and make sure she knows she can come to you if she needs to talk or if she needs help and that you will be there for her and then follow through on it by providing what support you can without critisizing. one more thing i think i should say as no one else has said it is that while you are offering support and probably will be giving money and childcare don't offer more than you are comfortable with and don't make it too easy for her to pass the buck to you so she can be off socializing and doing normal teen things all the time. help, yes, but don't take over. make sure you are there in a supporting role to her, not to be the main care givers. it will save alot of problems if you lay that out on the table right off the bat.

Thanks.
They were using contraception, ( I know as I supplied some as did her sister). Contraception had been discussed as a mother daughter thing, she didn't want to go on the pill and would use condoms. I had a wee chat with her some time ago as well and backed off as she wasn't overly comfortable discussing it with me but I made an arrangemnet wereby I put envelopes of condoms in her room. They were being used. Going back on the timeline of events I think there has been a mishap early on in the relationship, possibly due to inexperience, he's her first boyfriend,and not sure how much experience he has, and not going to ask.
My wife and I had discussed her use on contraception and had agreed not to interfer. I actually thought condoms were a fairly good idea from the point of view that we didn't know the boys sexual history and they would prevent STDs as well as pregnancies. Well, one out of two ain't bad!
I will not critize her, she used a birth control method that is not 100% effective, we knew that, she knew that, we just didn't expect her to be in that 2%! The baby is never to be regard as an accident or a mistake, the most it'll be referred to, if at all in that way, is unplanned.
It's actually her sister who's a bit upset that she's going to miss out on partying with her when she goes off to University (she's just qualified and lives in same city as pregnant daughter was going to). But again to be honest if pregnant daughter doesn't go off and do student drinking and the like then it's probably healthier for her in the long run. ( looking for positives!)
She's approaching this sensibly, she already had a couple of jobs to try to build up funds for university so she's continuing them but looking for alternatives as she's surrently doing cleaning jobs ( one at a golf club and the other as a hotel chamber maid) as well as baby sitting. So she is capable of hard work. However she knows that she won't be able to keep going at those jobs and has applied for others but it seems there aren't a lot around. Mostly part time that want flexibility which makes it difficult to have two or three at once.
We will offer to baby sit for her once the baby is born and I think we will have an important role here especially as there is not a granny on the father's side.
Having had a chance to explore more options we are hoping that next year she'll head down and do a business management diploma, which is a year long course, and whilst nearly an hour's drive away is doable whilstliving at home. It would mean that she would be more capable of helping with the running of the farm ( she's been helping them with the paperwork for a wee while now). If that was to happen then daily child care would be between father and us ( well my wife, who is actually looking forward to it!)

It would still be nice for you - or more likely, your wife - to hear that from your daughter directly.


So it's his family's farm? Working on it is certainly respectable if he's needed there, especially if it's going to be his farm eventually. Farms are excellent places to bring up children, so if your daughter is intent on having the child, and the farm can provide food and a roof over her head and your grandchild's head, her moving in with her boyfriend may actually be a reasonable choice.

Unfortuantely it didn't happen that way, they had planned to tell everybody after the 12 week scan but we were already suspecious, as daughter had stopped drinking and she was deferring her application for university housing. As I said my wife asked him, late at night after daughter had gone to bed and he told the truth. Perhaps my wife shouldn't have asked at that late stage in the evening and when she had had a few drinks but she did.



So it's his family's farm? Working on it is certainly respectable if he's needed there, especially if it's going to be his farm eventually. Farms are excellent places to bring up children, so if your daughter is intent on having the child, and the farm can provide food and a roof over her head and your grandchild's head, her moving in with her boyfriend may actually be a reasonable choice.[/quote]

Due to the style of the farm it's not exactly a money maker, it is subsistance farming. Probably not be his farm as there is an elder brother.
There's also the disadavnatge of teh farm being a remore hill farm so for work/study in future for her it's a fair drive from anywhere.

Money is not the only thing of value in the world.

Am well aware of that, but it does help if you have some as it enables you to do things such as travel, eat better and obtain a better education.

All the evidence does show that thehigher an social-economic group one is in, the far better, healthier and happier life one tends to live. And that is what you want for your kids.

For example, I want her to be able to travel as she has always come on holiday with us, enjoyed foreign travel and had various plans for trips of her own in the near and distant future. As I said earlier he's having to ride his motorcycle as he can't afford to put petrol in his car and it's more economical. She's just looked at her bank statement, and more went out last month than went in, that's with two part time jobs (no others really available around her for someone whose just left school)

A university degree would have increased her chances in life by a huge amount. And yes I know she can always go back later, but I suspect she will get drawn into helping out on the farm with the books and paperwork side, time will pass by and it'll never happen.

This comes as a culture shock to me; very narcissistic of me to dedicate a post to it, but it really helped realize I don't know the environment to try and help.