Clothing - need help quickly

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My daughter hasn't worn shorts or short sleeved shirts for years. When this first started, I thought it was an issue that I needed to deal with. I would pressure her to change. We would argue. I would warn her over and over that she would overheat. I would bring changes of clothes so she could change into them in case she started to overheat. When we were out for awhile and I was getting hot, I would ask her if she wanted to change. She never did.

This went on for the entire month of July several years ago. Not once were her arms or legs bare in the heat (and it was often in the 90's) unless she was swimming (she wore a swimsuit no problem). Not once did she complain or want to change to the clothes I brought. She melted down only when I asked her once too many times if she was overheating and needed to change.

By August I had learned my lesson. She wasn't going to overheat. That was my unfounded fear based simply on our culture's idea that children should bare their legs and arms in the summer. It feels like it's based on the necessities of the weather but it's mainly cultural. In many cultures, she would be expressly forbidden to have her arms or legs uncovered at any time and these cultures sometimes have weather in the 100s.

I dropped my idea that she had to wear shorts/short sleeves in hot weather simply because I believed that's what children should do. I make my daughter follow the social rules that require certain body parts covered for decency. And I make her follow the rules where weather safety is a strong concern- she has never fought me on wearing a coat in winter because she really does get cold. And no public pool lets you in without a swimsuit so she follows the rule for that. But for things that are more convention than anything else, I have decided it's her choice. After all, if you look around at the NT kids, they are making their own clothing choices that are quite contrary to what their parents would have chosen. You see NT girls baring their legs in the snow because they want to wear sexy skirts year round and you see NT boys with long sleeves in the heat because they think the hoodie looks cool.

So bring the alternative clothes and then just let it go. You may feel uncomfortable looking at her and be tempted to keep offering her the alternative clothes but don't. Just let it be her decision. She has to learn to listen to her body and practice making decisions and clothes are one of the best places to start that practice.

It's a "pick your battles" thing. I have picked my battle. My daughter can wear clothes that make me feel uncomfortable as long as they stay within the bounds of decency and legality (I might get charged with neglect if I actually let her play in the snow barefoot). But she is not allowed to hit, kick or in any way assault me or anybody if she is upset. I want my home rules to prepare her to some extent for what she will face in society. There won't be any social repercussions for wearing long sleeves when it's 95 (plenty of adults do) but there will be severe legal repercussions for not being able to control the urge to ophysically lash out when angry. So that's the battle I fight. I see you imposed a fine when she did that. That's good. That's the battle to pick because it's one where the larger world will cut her absolutely zero slack.

I think this is key- her wanting some control. When I look at how much control other kids the same age have over their world it does look like our kids got the short end of the stick. Other kids have an easier time controlling their social interactions, their bodies, their feelings, their everything it sometimes seems. Our kids are left scrambling for micro-control, controlling the teeny sphere that is within their grasp to control. So I extend as much slack as can to letting m,y daughter control her own body. There are limits imposed by society and health, but I allow slack within those limits. And I try to teach her that just as she is in control of her own body and clothes, so must she also learn the much harder task of controlling how she reacts to her feelings and not lash out.

There is also the parallel lesson that while she is in control of herself, she is not in control of me or of other people. It's a very difficult balance. I felt nervous at first when I decided to cede control of her own body over to her because I didn't want ger to "rule the family" as it seems some kids do. But the line firmed up. She controls herself (and may dress as she wants within the bounds of decency, legality and safety) but she doesn't control the family. Sometimes I think I'm being very lax with her and other times I think I'm being more strict than other parents. It's extra tough to balance because you can't necessarily look around at same age peers and their parents for guidance because our kids have these challenges which makes us sometimes have to be more helicoptery than other moms of same age kids and sometimes less.

I'm a fully grown adult, and I still refuse to wear shorts. I hate the idea of people seeing my legs, and having my legs exposed to touch things.

I will wear pants on the hottest days of summer. To me, being hot is preferable to having shorts on.

As for your compromise, I would have done the same thing.

Maybe you should count yourself lucky because there are a lot of parents out there with kids who want to be naked all the time......then what do you do? Do you still let them make their own choices?
My older daughter hated clothes and would strip as soon as she got home. Unfortunately we have to wear clothes and it is not true that a child can not overheat. If they are sitting all day in the shade like they did in the old days when women had to wear a lot of clothes thats fine but if they are running like my son and daughter do they can over heat. My son got sick on the day before school ended because he was running around and it was nearly 100 F. He was wearing a tank top and shorts, I had to put him in a cool shower. My husband always wears pants too but hes not running around like a child does. I did let my daughter, who wanted to be naked, wear her birthday suit at home but outside she had to wear clothes. I also let my younger daughter pick her clothes that she wears, she typically wants everything pink and is also is picky about her undies....she wears the shorty ones. My son does not wear underwear but he still wears clothes that are appropriate for the weather. Like I said, Id have no problem with the pants but they would have to be thin at least. I dont think you should let you child go out in heavy clothes in the heat, there is a thing called heat stroke and you can die from it and a child with autism sometimes does not recognize the signs that they are overtaxing themselves or that they are in pain or ill so it is our job to take care of them. Ill say no more!