Completely Stressed out and Angry

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I homeschool my AS son-- the socialization part is not easy (esp since I have huge trouble socializing myself) but I really believe the forced socialization of school is harmful and dehumanizing.

Why don't you want him in an autism class? At least the teacher there is making an effort to learn about it. 10 miles is not that far in the scheme of things. Yes, the school might be trying to "get rid" of him, but is that school really worth staying in?

If you haven't already read it, you might want to look at Hitchiking Through Asperger's. It's a wonderful support. The mom in it discusses moving freely between the public school world and homeschooling as the varied circumstances of their family life and the development of her child varied. Her message is very freeing and very accessible. I know you have your hands full and probably not enough time to go to the bathroom, let alone read something else, but any time you are able, it's worth it.

It sounds like you are doing a remarkable job of collecting the information you need and getting clear about possibilities in very short order. I hope you are recognizing what a great job you are doing, even if the results of your work have not yet been brought to fruition. Hang in there.

There is no academic curriculum in the autism class. He would be placed in the regular 1st grade class and then the "autism teacher" would consult with him or the aide in helping him with social skills. That's what I was meaning before, when I said they didn't really offer anything better at this time.

That is the primary service that he is supposed to receive at his homeschool.

I kept asking about getting a schedule for his classes. They kept putting me off. they said there was no "set in stone" schedule. Well, the more his classes are changed, the worse his behavior is because they don't make it clear what's going on. Yesterday was just awful and they kind of shrugged it off (while documenting everything he "did"). So, among other tools I bought, I found a dry-erase board and pens so that his aide can write the current schedule and he can look at it throughout the class/day. I included an explanation in his communication log and explained it to my son.
At the end of the day, the aide said "it helped a lot". She used it in a slightly different way than I intended, but it got the job done. He could predict the day and be reassured throughout the activities and it wasn't verbal.
This is something I must have asked for 5 times in meetings and with individuals in charge of this stuff.

Can you explain your viewpoint a little better, please. I'm not challenging you ... I just want to understand better.

I am certainly fearful that I am not up to the task of home schooling, and the social aspects of school are very good for both of my kids (five and seven) at this point. They are both in mainstream classes and each gets three hours per week of social interaction therapy at the hands of a school psychologist.

My seven year old son is also very aware of many facets of his autism and how it hinders him at times. There is no keeping this from him ... he's way too smart for that.

KimJ, your son is very lucky to have you in his corner. I wish I was as organized as you are.

Thanks for the encouragement, I couldn't do anything without my husband. I mean, I can do the applied crap, but we are equals with decision making and going to the school.

I can never understand why even the simplest accomidations which do not cost much money take soo much effort to implement. The white board and markers could not have cost your more than $10. Why did it take such an effort and eventually your purchase to do so.

The School Board here is like that too. They are about to ask the voters for an extension on the $6 million we already gave them plus $2 million more but yet, parents cannot get them to install a swing set at one of the middle school for children with ASDs (and probably other issues too). Makes me wonder what they are spending their money on. I am seriously tempted to vote no. Maybe parents of NTs can see what special needs children go through all of the time.

I'm having some minor issues too with my son's public high school. Nothing big at this time, but frustrating nonetheless. My son was public schooled 1st through 4th and then brought home for 5th through 8th and is now at the public high school for 9th.

My job is to educate the educators. I used to be a public school teacher myself and the sad truth is that the teachers have such a big job just trying to manage so many kids in a classroom and get through the basic learning objectives that are required by the No Child Left Behind law, that they have no time and energy left to truly research and understand special issues. I'm not trying to excuse the behavior or attitude, but it is so tough to work all day, go home to correct the work the children did, and then get up in the morning and do it all over again. There is very little time left for teachers to have their own life outside of their job. To spend the little time they do have with their own families researching special issues is asking an awful lot. I believe that it should be the job of the school administration to set up educational opportunities for the teachers during their working hours, but unfortunately that would mean spending more money to hire a substitute teacher and the rest of the students would probably lose that day for true education. It shouldn't be our job to educatate the teachers, but it sure beats the alternative which would be letting the ignorance continue. Most teachers really do want to understand and help, they are just totally overwhelmed.

So instead of getting angry, I figure I will provide the information necessary to deal with my particular child and I will teach them what they need to know to educate him. I'm not 100% sure that it will truly work in a high school setting, but it's worth a try. If not I can always bring him back home.

If you are really spending so much time attached to the phone waiting for them to call, why not volunteer in the classroom and offer to help teach them how to deal with your child? I did that for many years and I think I was truly a help to the teachers. I graded papers, worked one on one with students, helped the students write the school paper and so forth. If you go in with a good "I want to help" attitude, this shouldn't be a problem. I didn't jump in whenever there was an issue, but afterward I might mention that the noise was what set my son off, and maybe they could allow him to excuse himself to go to the restroom when it got too loud. I would occasionally bring in short articles for them to read that might be helpful. Anyway, as my mom always says "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar".

"At this point" is key in your post. My child did okay until third grade when the kids started noticing he was different. By the age of 9, they knew just exactly how to hurt him and since he was loud, he got caught, he got punished.

Some examples of the harmful, dehumanizing aspects of public school while my son was 8 and 9:
- bathroom bullying when the boys knew A preferred a stall instead of a urinal, his loud protests over their blocking the stall landed him in the principal's office.
- playground bullying when the other kids would set him up to hurt himself and then tease him
- staff bullying when the gym teacher failed to explain the rules and then physically hauled him out of the gym and humiliated him on several different occasions
- staff bullying when the so-called special ed teacher insisted he be punished and isolated for attempting some independence which was SUPPOSED to happen according to his IEP
- staff bullying when we told them to stop moving his seat around the room and they started moving it every week
- lunchroom bullying when he didn't want to share his lunch with a neighbor and that child took his lunch anyway, grabbed and twisted his wrist and my child landed in the principal's office because he yelled.
- Detention, detention, detention over and over that they didn't tell us about at first and he never really understood why, to him he could do NO RIGHT and there was no reason behind why his behavior was always labeled as being so very bad

By the time we brought him home he was a bare shell of his old self, he had learned he had no recourse but striking out. His tantrums were severe and he nearly hurt himself several times while tantruming. His depression over the situation was severe enough that we considered taking him to the hospital. All we heard was how bad he was, how he needed more medication, how his behavior was disruptive and violent. The adult staff was convinced he was a juvenile delinquent.

Never once would they accept responsibility for dehumanizing him with their treatment of him. It was always his fault, no one would listen to us, no one would answer our question: What did you do to him this time?

I know KimJ's feelings right now because I was there last year. I didn't dare leave the house and every time the phone rang I would jump. The rare time I did actually go to lunch with a friend, yup, they called. Then they called his dad at work and there are actually TWO Mr. Whites at his place of business.

It was very unpleasant to hear from the other Mr. White that your kid's out-of-control and tearing up the school again.

I spent hours researching IEP, 504, ADA, HFA and so many other acronyms. I put together letter after letter. I wrote the school board, the school superintendent, the state.

I finally realized that what we really wanted was to have our son back and whole again.

It's been nine months and the change has been dramatic not just for him, but for our family. We no longer live in fear and anger.

SandySue, I tried to work with them and educate them but they literally refused to allow me beyond the principal's office. I was not on their "approved" list and they could never quite find the forms for me to fill out to become approved - I kid you not. When I did send e-mails, letters, documentation they actually used it against him - things like stabilizing his environment and not moving his desk - HAH! they started moving it whenever they felt like it. When I complained about the gym teacher's harrassment and bullying, the principal defended him.

There was a time when I didn't think I could homeschool either but I had to let go of the traditional, institutionalized version of school. It doesn't have to be six hours of sitting at a desk. You can be flexible, you can enjoy your child. And, you've already taught your child so much - walking, talking, saying please and thank you and maybe even table manners (okay, we're still working on that - but you know what I mean).

Yes, the school seems very attached to the autistic moulding to the NT norm, which means quietly accepting bullying and unreliable schedules. The aide appreciated the dry-erase board because it meant not having to react to his reaction. That's the point of the aide, but since there is no training, she can't even imagine what I'm talking about half the time.
My social stories are another thing. They prevent misunderstandings, but the special ed staff needs to know what triggers are, they need to know how to observe events. Rather than just waiting for the consequences of the triggers, sensory overload, misunderstanding, etc.

That's why my son's special needs should be overseen by the aide, special ed teacher and school psychologist, not the teacher. However, one of his teacher's excuses was that he has students ranging from reading at 4th grade level to not know the alphabet (in 1st grade). He seems to have the same range problems with math. Well, the child that doesn't know his alphabet in 1st grade is also a special needs student and disrupts the class just as much as my son, maybe more as the lessons cater to the academic progress of the class as a whole. In a case where the class stops and reviews remedial lessons for the slow student, my son will just get plucked out of the room if he lacks a particular "appropriate behavior".

three2camp after reading your post I want to cry. I worry about the same things with my son. In fact, I was so freaked out about him being in P.E. (this would be his first year with locker room and showers) that he isnt taking it this year. The principal said that in Utah 6th grade is still elementary school and so it wouldnt be a problem to let him skip it. I wonder now if this is a mistake because what do I do next year??
I agree that in school the bullying is overlooked... his last teacher told me it was part of growing up!! I would homeschool my son if he didnt have such anxiety about leaving the house. I think if he didnt go to school it would be worse.
Good luck three2camp!

First off regarding NCLB, there is a section of the law that requires schools to show progress specifically for special needs students (which is seperated from student group as a whole). If a school fails that part, they are considered a failing school (regardless of how well the student population in general does). It therefore behoves a school to take a student that may be book smart but have social and sensory issues and work with them in order to raise those score, including learning about the child. NCLB is no excuse for a teacher not to learn about the children under their care.

Finally, as Kim says, the teacher is the assistance of a teachers aide, a school psychologist, and a special needs teacher. Even if the regular classroom teacher does not have the time to learn about the student, I am sure one of the other 3 people do.

There were times when I couldn't get my kid out of the house either. As we discovered, that, too, was a reaction to his environment. Once we brought him home and let him de-tox, he began seeking out friends. We let him pretty much withdraw from everything except Scouts for about three months. Luckily, that was in the dead of winter so who wants to be out anyway?

By spring, he began to notice other children. He began to WANT to meet them. He actually started making friends in the neighborhood.

He even tried to play baseball and with his eye-hand coordination - WOW! That is a major achievement for him.

ljbouchard, that's interesting about NCLB since our school district is on the "bad" list. Good thing they already know it all.

There are quite a few tidbits about NCLB that people do not know about either. Some examples:

1) Only schools that receive federal funding (known as TITLE 1) have to provide tutors, can be closed, other punishments. If a school does not receive federal funding, the only bad thing that happens to them is that they are on the "bad list".

2) Homeschool children are not covered under NCLB no matter how bad they would do on a standardized test. Apparently those children can be left behind according to the government but then, since the government refuses to help fund homeschoolers anyways, they are powerless to control them (the federal government uses money to force states to pass laws that the federal government cannot pass due to the constitution).

3) NCLB not only breaks out statistics based on grade and scores but also based on race, receiving free lunch, special needs, etc.

4) There are loopholes in NCLB that allows schools to pick and choose which children are not to be counted (some Tennessee districts used that one).

5) States are required to have all teachers proficient in the subjects that they teach (interesting because parents of special needs children in NYS for years have been fighting to have districts provide teachers that are Regents Certified in the subject they teach and licensed for special needs but the schools and teachers have been resisting due to the cost. I can understand the teachers in this one though, if they are going to take the time and resources (including money) to be dual certified, they want to be paid for it).

The media will only tell what the powers that be want the people to know regarding NCLB. It is truly a quagmaire though.

What is NCLB? not familiar with that one...

No Child Left Behind. GW Bush's so called landmark education law (which congress is funding as well as IDEA).

As you can see, my sarcasm should tell you my viewpoints.

NCLB also has helped the school system to get new books 4 times in 5 years, around here. There was nothing wrong with the old ones! Although the older ones may have been introduced during a more liberal administration.



three2camp, that is ridiculous! I'll start to prepare myself a little better after hearing about this. Thank you.
I will definitely get out of the mainstream if this happens to us.