How do you get them to think?

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any ideas on how to teach him to relax? He throws himself into situations and makes a huge mess of them!

Just wanted to add, my son could care less how others percieve him. He dosent care, he isnt even aware that others might care about what he is doing. I SOOO wish he did have that! It would be a HUGE step in him taking responsibility for himself!
Him messing up is usually him hurting someone. And that IS a big deal. I cant tell him it is ok to bite a kid, or scream in a kids face, or tackle a kid to the ground.

Other things, like leaving food on the table isnt a big deal, and it is handled as such,. and we usually laugh about it. And he catches ME doing things and I LOVE IT. Evenif I purposely dontthrow somoething out...I tell him thanks for helping me, just like I helped you remember about the food on the table! High five!!

Well kids with autism are more easily overwhelmed than neurotypical kids......so that might be part of it. It probably takes a lot of effort for him to be so well behaved at school so when he gets home its natural that he's going to slack on it a bit. Sometimes the environment can be too much and cause meltdowns or what seems to be defiant behavior. Based on some of my personal experiance as a kid I usually was very well behaved most of the time but that actually took more effort then anyone could have probably imagined so eventually things would build up and I would have what could probably be described as meltdowns.

When I was like 6 It probably resembeled throwing a fit but I was usually in actual distress most people just did not get how I could have such an extreme reaction to what seemed to be nothing to them. When I was older I would just get really irritable, argumentative and I always hated it at the time but I think sending me to my room was probably one of the better ways my mom handled things as what I really needed was to get away from everyone and have some time to myself to calm down but that was not her only method just probably the only one I agree with.

So I guess I would say when he starts acting up maybe try and get him in a quieter less chaotic environment, and see if that makes any difference because it might be simple mental/sensory overload..........but I am certainly no expert.

I recognize your frustration, OP. My mother said the same thing about me when I was little. I also had to be told every little thing. There was no spontaneous response whatsoever. Do this, and child does it. Say this, and child says it. But without being told, nothing. That is very normal for an autistic six-year-old. I would say that you will need to have patience, because six years old may be too young for an autistic child to engage in spontaneous responses like you want to see from your son. As he gets older, he will develop these responses, and you will have to tell him less and less.

Do you see any signs that your DS might have attention deficit as well as AS? When I read your first post, what came to mind was that this might be a lack of impulse control, which is common with ADHD -- perhaps he acts immediately on whatever comes into his head first, where if he had a little delay, he'd be better able to pick the response he's learned in social skills class.

I like what Sweet Leaf said about slacking off at home. It takes a LOT of energy to maintain the standards that NT's have set for us. Home is our refuge - one would hope.

Sometimes things happen while I'm maintaining my cover that upset me but because I'm in the NT world, reaction is forbidden. Then, I get home and something triggers the upset and I melt down. I want to scream at people to get off my back but they'd have no idea where I was coming from. I've found isolation my best solution but I've got to be left alone for a while to work it out. I didn't learn this about myself until I was in my thirties.

I'm wondering if the not thinking could be a male thing. Having raised 3 sons and a daughter, I noticed that with the boys, if it wasn't important to them it wasn't worth their effort. My daughter was much more aware and considerate.

Just wanted to point out that not only did I give you advice which makes me wonder if you read my entire post and also I have Aspergers and you did not say that you do not EVER (again with the caps) tell you son to think....am I supposed to just know this?....maybe, like your son you think that we should all just "know better"? Im 44 and sometimes I am not able to think when I am having a meltdown (yes I still have those very infrequently, then again I never had any therapy until I was diagnosed at 40). I learn a lot from my kids and my Psychiatrist taught me a lot about myself that I did not see. He is very young and as far as the tickling episode you mentioned that is because he has not found his off button. I used to be very obnoxious and do things over and over because someone laughed at me and I wanted that attention at the time so I would keep trying that same thing even if no one laughed or even if someone got angry with me.
It really rubs me the wrong way when parents say (I am a parent of five children in case you missed that) he/she "knows better". Are you in this childs mind? Im sorry but I assume you are a typical person, non autistic so you may not know what is going on in his mind, you dont have an autistic mind. I do understand your frustration but you have to meet your son half way and understand his as well.
I once filmed my son annoying his sister (son is 9 with Aspergers, daughter is nearly 7 with classic autism) he took her toy and was laughing and running away and laughing, she was crying and saying "No Luc, No"....I showed this to him, he didnt like it. He was not aware of what he was doing. Your son is only 6, he is not aware that what he does affects other people, he only knows what affects him.
Im sorry if I upset you, I was trying to be light hearted at the beginning of my post and joking a bit, guess it didnt come across that way, sorry it would not be the first time .

Just an afterthought, If he is having issues at school with other kids, physically attacking them then I would push very hard for a full time aide. He is only 6 years old and I think you are expecting a lot of him. Stop worrying about him not controlling himself now. He will feed off your anxiety and you need to just keep telling yourself that things will get better. If he is in therapy, things will get better. Also I am sick and can not do much with my kids I have a bone disease and Im basically invalid. Im thankful I live in France and I have people who fix lunch for my kids, drive and walk them to school and therapy and clean my house and do my laundry. When my kids get home from school we have a list by the door to remind them where to hang coats, hats, gloves and the box where boots go....we have the wet boot sign and where to put them (on the mat). We have "how to go potty" and "How to brush your teeth" strips in the bathroom and the water closet (toilet). We also have a list of chores and rules for my kids. We have a token system where they get tokens and they are able to trade in tokens for things they want to buy. Since I have been sick we have also implimented a time out chair in the kitchen but I do warn my kids and give them the 123 thing and remind them that they have to go to time out if I get to 3....if they refused and would get violent then I would have to threaten to take away tokens which, to them....especially my son who is the one prone to hitting or having violent meltdowns....this is a major horrible thing to happen to them.
Also we keep things on schedule and it helps them to remain calm. I get them a drink and a snack and we lay down and watch youtube videos (my son has a fruit bat thing going on right now LOL). Sometimes my daughter watches with us or she plays with her iPad....on her feet (that child has used her feet to pick things up and hold them since she was a baby and she doesnt care if she drops things on her face...no pain. Anyway, I would recommend something quiet when he comes home from school and consistency and schedules. Do you have swimming lessons or yoga in your area.....maybe you could go together? Just some ideas.....learning calming techniques can be very helpful.

lilolme,

thanks for your replies! They are very thought provoking and helpful to get a perspective from someone with Aspergers.

The reason I feel that my son knows better is becasue he will answer you if you ask him a question(social situation), with a brilliantly thought out response years ahead of his time. Yet, he cannot perform it when the situation arises. Basically, that is what I was writing for...how to tap into what he already knows and ge him to use it. He is so sweet and kind hearted, he doesnt want to hurt people, he just cannot control himself, and cannot use his knowledge. It frustrated me casue he has it all up there, and his life would be somuch easier if I can help him makebetter decisions and think about what he does before he does it.

My son is homeschooled, so there is no classroom situation, but in certain programs he has issues. And the ones run by special educators that are small and structured, he does well in. Again, no carry over into the real world.

My son does the tickling to any and everyone...simply becasue it usually makes people laugh. he isnt trying to be annoying, he really wants then to laugh and is perplexed as to why they arent, so he keeps tickling assuming they will eventually laugh. We go over this often, he still hasnt gotten this. And the kids start to dislike him, and he has no idea why. It is heartbreaking.

My son does great in small controlled settings for small periods of time, but the world isnt small and controlled. When kids come over, when we go out, when he is at a party, or when he is overstimulated, all these behaviors come out.

He is in Karate, swimming, social skills groups, social skills OTsensory group, bowling, piano lessons (this may sound overkill, but remember he is homeschooled and this is the bulk of his socializing with peers other then playdates).

I think another poster hit it on the head...he is impulsive. Maybe that is the root of the problem. He has a psychiatrist and I explain all these issues to him and he hasnt said my son was ADHD...maybe I should bring it up again?

I guess my original question was how to help him access the info that he has about appropriate responses and behaviors in the actual situations when they are happening. Another poster made a good point too, I guess if he was able to do this he wouldnt have autism!

It is just frustrating, I see him struggling and I want to help him. I feel as if he goes on like this forever he wont have a pleasent life. And he has so many great qualities, and he is so smart and has so much potential, I want to help him be more in control of himself without me, or someone else constantly having to do the thinking or reminding for him.

you hit the nail on the head! I have brought this up to his psychiatrist before, but he never suggested ADHD. I will bring it up at our next appt!

thanks

thanks, that makes so much sence to me now. I guess if he could do these things he wouldnt have Aspergers! I hope and pray that he gets it some day. I really do!

thanks! I will look into a quiet place for him. He HATES being sent to his room...but maybe another quiet place would be helpful!

I didn't know that he was hurting other kids, I thought he was just saying inappropriate things. I may have missed that reading it the first time.

As for getting him to relax, I'd try something like finding an image or something for him to focus on and count to five in his head before every interaction that's likely to be stressful. That focusing could help take his focus off stress.

As for the hitting, maybe if you can get him to see that the situations themselves aren't important enough to get that angry over, it might help. Of course it may be difficult to get him to see that, especially as a child. I still have trouble with getting entirely too angry over some things, and I'm 47. However, if you tell him that sometimes people can think things are more important than they really are, the same way that people who need glasses may think things are blurry or too small when they really aren't. That because there are no "mind glasses" you will help him by pointing out what things aren't worth getting so worked up over. I don't know if it will help, but it's worth a shot.

Good luck!

I just have a few points to make.....

Maturity helps. Really. When my son was 10 (he's 12 now), I was really starting to fear that things would never get better and they are, even if slowly. Our kids are delayed, so your son has the impulse control of a three year old, just keep talking with him and be patient and keep everyone safe. I am happy to hear you are homeschooling.

I find it interesting that on the thread where we are talking about a teen on the spectrum, when he lost control and got shot - people here blamed that parents for not taking his violence seriously enough, even saying that he should have been put in a home. Now we have a mom of a six year old who has all of the same issues, and we say lighten up. Pretty hard to kinow the right path.

I grieve for that boy that was killed and worry for mine and this OPs for the same reasons. Our kids impulse control issues are very serious, we just hope to give them the tools they will need to be happy. It's really hard!

I know there is currently a big backlash against helicopter parenting, but honestly when it comes to certain things, our kids need this.

Try to think about all the things that precede the bad behaviors and act before they happen. Yes, I know, the long run goal is to get him to do this on his own, but practicing doing things the wrong way just reinforces bad habits. You want him to practice the right things, and let it become second nature.

Example: Let's say your son doesn't like when kids accidentally knock over his block buildings, and that is what sets him off, (but that is what he wants to play with when friends come over and you cannot shift to something less problematic.) First make sure that the play area has enough room, so this is not inevitably going to happen. Then before the play date starts, tell him if "Jimmy" knocks over his block tower, it will be alright, and that he can rebuild. Get him to agree that this is sensible and that he will do this.

Next: Watch them carefully. If you see that Jimmy accidentally knocks over his block tower, go ahead and let your son know it is OK, and to rebuild it. Hopefully, with you there reminding him of what you discussed before, and having gotten buy-in, he will be able to follow through, even if he is still upset. Wait until he can repeat this successfully over many play dates and that you can see that he is increasingly less upset, before removing the scaffolding. Then you can try letting him respond calmly on his own.

Disclaimer: My son is not as social as yours, so my hovering is really limited to social language prompts and attempting to get him to talk about things another child might like instead of math problems. I have not yet had the opportunity to adapt it for real actual social play. I have used this method for safety related things in the home.

I think there is a misuse or misunderstanding about the term "helicopter parent." Just because a parent stays nearby and supports the child does not make them a helicopter parent. Parents who keep their children from ever suffering, always blame the 'others' (other children, teachers, other parents, TV, media etc.) for their children's behaviors, and make excuses in order to ignore or fail to address problems are helicopter parents. Parents who help their children learn to cope, manage, self-soothe when they are suffering, stressed out, and in pain are teaching their children a skill. I have seen several people on here talk about controlled sabotage to help their children cope with transitions, interruptions in routines, and failed expectations. This is not helicopter parenting. Parents who know their children's strengths and weaknesses and work within those means are not being helicopter parents (no one would ever say anything negative to a parent who doesn't shop with a young toddler after lunch because it's nap time, and no one should say anything about turning down a birthday party because Chuck-E-Cheese is overwhelming). - [stepping off of soapbox now... sorry]

Here is an article about helicopter parenting vs investor parenting.

HELICOPTER PARENT VS PARENT INVESTOR

Helicopter Parenting: Helping or Hindering?

What does the term "helicopter parenting" mean? The term "helicopter parenting" is a media description that refers to parents that "hover" over their children by protecting them and intervening in their lives at all costs. They are coined this term because, like helicopters, they hover closely overhead, always being overly connected, regardless whether their children need them or not. These parents go overboard in over-parenting their children, making sure they never get hurt, never lose or fail, and intervene in as much of their children's lives as they can. This means not allowing their children to fail or succeed on their own. The rise of the cell phone is often blamed for the rise of helicopter parenting as it resembles the "world's longest umbilical cord". Kids can easily call with a problem making parents vulnerable to wanting to solve their issues.

There have been several cons maligned against helicopter parenting such as encouraging spoiled behavior, instilling fear of taking chances, replacing independence in favor of dependency to solve one's problems and making it difficult for older children to develop future intimate relationships. However, in a recent research study on college students whose parents fit the description of doing helicopter parenting, it found that these students had grown into capable, well adjusted college students and were "more engaged in learning and reported greater satisfaction with their colleges".

Parent Investor verses Helicopter Parent - What is a Parent Investor?

A Parent Investor is one that invests in their child's life every day. Every day a Parent Investor invests time, love, guidance, commitment and energy into their children's lives.

A meaningful Parent Investor chooses to impact their child's life by empowering them with skills that will enable them to have long term social success in life.

So what's the difference between a Parent Investor and a Helicopter Parent?

One of the skills Parent Investors learn is to promote resiliency and optimistic thinking which is essential in dealing with any life challenges. Helping them learn self-reliance is a key factor in this. Helicopter parents overlook self-reliance by robbing their children of learning what it is to stand up and roll with the punches of life. Another thing Parent Investors do is love their kids enough to have to endure witnessing their children suffer through failures that may include many disappointments. By over protecting and shielding your children to a fault, Helicopter Parents deny their children the chance to learn how to survive a challenge and the ability to counter the fear of failure. Parent Investors are involved in their children's lives as too are those who wear the hat of Helicopter Parents. It's all about balance - weighing the right level of support of when to step in and when to let the child learn to fail or succeed on their own. The question is which kind of parent do you choose to be??

from http://drandie.com/ask_dr_andie.html

I felt like this CONSTANTALY when I was a child. I was always getting in trouble with my mom for using the wrong tone of voice. My tone of voice is something I have on control of. My mom also gets upset when I freak out after she wakes me from a sound sleep via banging on the window or shouting my name. Sometimes when I get startled, I freeze and tense up like those Tennessee stiff leg goats. It was a miracle I could position my legs just right so I didn't fall, but sometimes I would. My parents always thought I was faking it but I wasn't. My mom once woke me via shaking me. I was in the midst of a dream where I was fighting with someone and I woke up with my mom's arm in my hand. I didn't hurt her or anything, but she was upset for days about that. I tried and tried to reason with her but she wouldn't listen.