Help Me Understand This Strange Conversation

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Momsparky, just to clarify, the "please take note..." paragraph was not directed at you specifically. It was directed at the parents earlier in this thread, who take seem to take pride in getting rid of toys without their child's knowledge, or worse, forcefully getting rid of them in plain view of the child. (At least that's what I got from the posts.) In my specific scenario, my parents didn't throw them away, just hid them in the ottoman and then denied it. Of course, anything could have happened, even the 0.01% probability of a hired cleaning worker doing it. But that leaves the other 99.99%. I was away, so I couldn't have done it, and the toys were on the shelf before I left. My parents were home that whole time, so...

I, personally, never understood the "garbage in, garbage out" approach to getting new toys. It turns Christmases and birthdays into moments of agony, rather than moments of joy. Like League_Girl pointed out, why buy new toys as gifts if "clutter" is such a big deal to you? How about tickets to a theme park (season permitting)? Or a video game for an existing system? Or your permission to eat only junk food that day? Or an hours-long outing to a game center? Or even <gasp> books? There are plenty of great options that do not add to clutter if it bothers you that much.

Aspie1-

You may have been very different than my boys are, so perhaps it is a different scenario.

My kids have abundant stuff. More than they use, much more than they take care of. This does not stop them from wanting new things that interest them as they develop. From a parental perspective, I buy toys (or gifts) often for what they bring to my child's development and growth, as they get older it is appropriate to stop holding on to toddler things to make room for older kid things. It is always ok to keep some cherished items, but not at the expense of space for the things kids need now.

Most of us resist the necessary pruning of items but it is important, and not intended to be torture, rather just one of those fairly unpleasant things you just have to do sometimes.

So now, for what your parents were thinking.... You come here and ask on the parenting board for a parent opinion but that's not realistic, because none of us were there at the time. If you were like my kids and had possessions all over the house, they may have gotten sick of looking at the toys and moved them without giving it a single thought - totally forgetting about them.

Or....when my kids used to leave their stuff all over I would warn, if those things aren't put away by you, I will put them away and they will be unavailable. That's fine with a warning, right? Well, what if the kids weren't listening (like that ever happens)? What if my warnings fell on deaf ears, kids tuned into the next thing of interest to them, with their other stuff long forgotten until it was missing?

Maybe your parents were mean. I can say that my mom was an alcoholic nightmare, she would go into drunken rages and beat me for ricidulous stuff. (once she woke me up in the middle of the night because I put the toilet paper on backward). Now as a mom who doesn't drink or hit my kids, I actually get how you really do the best you can and truly believing it is the right thing at the time. Many parents were parented badly and have odd ideas of how to raise kids. That doesn't make them evil, rather damaged and hurtful. Still, I don't think almost any are really trying to torture their kids, rather misguided. While my mom was on her deathbed, I cried for two days straight at the recognition that she was just a fallable person like me, who was just screwed up. She didn't behave badly to hurt me....it had nothing to do with me, except my getting hurt was the unintended consequence.

I actually cry now that I think of all of the wasted years being angry (which only hurt me, right?)

My life is what I make of it. I am 44, my mom has been dead almost 12 years. She was a PITA before she got sick, but she loved me in her own way - and no one will ever love you the way your mom will (no matter how they act). I didn't really understand that until my kids were born. I used to wish her dead but I really do miss her now. More than I would have imagined.

I wish you peace with your struggles. I hope that you work them out to the best of your ability and forge your own future without letting their poor parenting impeed it.

My kids are almost 3 and 6 1/2. When they were babies,they played with rattles, teething rings, stacker toys, casue/effect toys (push abutton lights go on or music, etc...)they have LONG outgrown those toys. In my opinion, it is a shame to hold onto them, when there are babies who have nothing and moms who cant afford a lot. SO I can either hold these itmes in my attic, or donate them to places like homeless shelters, churches, etc...which we regularly do. It is a great way to get rid of developmentally old toys, and to do something good. Now that my son is older, we make him part of this process. It is explained to him that there are kids that dont have toys, and there are toys that we dont use anymore, and waht a gift it would be to those kids to have some of our old toys. Dont get me wrong, I dont ask him to go thru his prized posessions, if there is a specific baby toy that we have held onto, or some other toys that he has kept thruout the years, those are off limits...we are strictly talking about toys that are collecting dust in the corners of the rooms, under beds, bottom of toy boxes, etc...developmentally old toys, or things that they just dont care for. Our kids also see us donating clothing, TVs, dvd players, light fixtures, etc...so we donate our stuff as well.

I dont think I need to ask my sons permission to donate baby rattles, baby items, etc...but I DO like to make them both part of the process so they start to understand the concept of giving to others. We can become very self centered and forget that there are others who dont have one toy, let alone a house full of evey concievable kind. I was one of those kids, who survived solely on church and organization donations, so I kbow first hand how important giving is. ESPECIALLY for a child. When I used to get gently used toys, that was the best! I didnt care that they were used, they were new to me.

I think the idea of never getting rid of any posession that a child has isnt realistic. Somehow, at some ages, a parent needs to start to get rid of old, or developmentally old toys. We do this with clothing. We dont keep babies entire wardrobe and just keep adding toddler clothing, then add pre school clothing then add school age clothing, etc...so why should we do the same for toys? And the wasy I see it, it is a shame to hold onto unused things when there are SOOOO many people who have little or nothing who could be using that stuff.

As someone who holds a lifetime of hurt inflicted, intentionally or not, by my parents - I think I can make an accurate guess that Aspie1's comments aren't directed at any specific parent here on the forum. After all, I know my parents - and can guess his - would not have been out here on WP seeking help and answers (My parents might have come here, but to find another way to blame me.)

I think the caveat was to let parents know that sometimes there is more to things than the simple answer on the surface, but of course that will vary by situation and by the needs of each kid. I find it a helpful reminder as a parent to get a picture of what can happen if I'm not making an effort to communicate what I'm doing and why to my son, as parenting can seem awfully arbitrary to a kid on the spectrum.

I understood what you meant, Aspie1.

I admit that I gave some things to my parents this weekend to give to my nephew, aged 6 months. My younger son hadn't played with the items in a long time, and one room of our house looks like a combination library and daycare center (packed with kids' stuff). He is not keen on sharing, so I didn't tell him that I was boxing up some items that he would not miss anyway.

Anything that he specifically asks for, I can get back or replace.

My husband calls the kids' stuff "junk," and I call it "educational tools."

Mummy of peanut and MMJMOM have said pretty much everything I wanted to, I take no pride in getting rid of my daughter's things, it's something that has to be done or she would literally have no space to play.

She has toys she's had since she was tiny that developmentally are too young for her but I know that even though they are not played with much she cherishes them so they stay. I always put things away for at least 6 months up to a year before donating them to local playgroups or take them to my mum's house for my younger neice to play with and after she's outgrown them again it's passed on to kids who don't have much / anything. The only things that get thrown out straightaway are as I said macdonalds toys, food wrappers that she collects, twigs, leaves random bits of stuff like that which she collects as it's shiny/ feels nice/is interesting but then it gets thrown in a draw and never touched again.