In tears... Help me, PLEASE

Post Reply New Topic

Here is an article that provides an interesting perspective on IQ testing of children with Autism.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/artic ... istic-kids

Culturally-based questions have no place on an intelligence test.

It is intervention to get him to TALK. We are not immortal and we would like to ensure that he can live on his own - something that is impossible to do if you are mute and on the spectrum.


Thanks for your post - just what I needed . You succeeded in making me feel even worse. Maybe you would just let your kids be non-verbal and in their own world and go without any therapy because it is a lot of pressure ?

I would agree with this, my son's early intervention psychologist said that IQ tests performed on children under 9/10 are usually inconsistent and largely irrelevant.

reread my post and a subsequent post by another that tries to restate what i say…

if you pressure your son more than he can deliver… he will be the one that wishes he never had you as a parent… i assume that it is not that what you want to achieve and make his life even more difficult…

maybe my words give more meaning when i tell you that i speak from experience… being pressed way beyond my limits as a child… resulting in a very bad relationship with authorities, parents and teachers.

i have never ever pressed any of my four (that is 4!) autistic children… and they all do well… not as NTs expect one to evolve… but in their own pace. they overcome most of their problems when the time was right… for them.

being autistic myself, this was the way i wished i was treated…

i admit that neither aspie me nor my four aspie children were nonverbal… but i know that just being us without any pressure has done more miracles dan all the teaching combined.

it is called motivation… induced by the learner him- or herself.

hope this makes sense. don't feel bad for trying… but listen to your child. always listen.

maybe his lack of progress is his way of telling that it is all to much… to much pressure.

to illustrate what sometimes happen to people on the spectrum:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_mutism

please note: i do NOT state that your son isn't non-verbal… what i state is that i won't help your son that he is going to top off his non-verbality with selective mutism… due to pressure. that would be a disaster. for him.

My brother didn't speak until after the age of 3. Now he won't shut up.

Hi Hismom,
You can't ensure anything, unfortunately. You are doing everything you can to try and help your son, but he may not learn to speak, sign or hold a job and live independently. Whilst you are all working towards this, I think you need to keep that in mind. That is not to down play his potential, or to break your heart but I find it's best to be amazed by each advance whatever it is, rather than be disappointed that your expectations aren't being met. His development will find its own path. Absolutely he will improve from where he is now, but will he get to where you want him?
My son has a diagnosis of severe autism and moderate intellectual disability, I doubt he will ever have a job in retail, or live independently, we keep working with him to get him coping with life the best he can. these days we focus on self-help and communication (note; communicating, the focus is off speaking) and making him feel happy, safe and loved. We have never been happy to sit by and do nothing for him, he has always had many therapies, intervention and wonderful and dedicated educators. He has learnt so much, but he will always need a lot of help in life. This is not a disaster and he is not where he is at 13 years of age because we just didn't care enough or do enough for him.
As for your son, he really is too young to know where he is headed, but you are doing what you need to do. There is a lot to teach him, it may seem like you are getting nowhere and sometimes you will go backwards... before going forwards. BUT he is here, listening and wanting to teach you too.
I really wish you and your son all the best.

O no, he might not talk! He might not be able to work! He might live at home forever!

Big deal.

No offense, or anything, but I think you are reading into things. The issue is not whether she (or any poster on this thread) would want to take care of her child forever. Parents are mortal and therefore cannot take care of their offspring forever. She is worried because she wants him to grow up to be safe and happy.

Also, it is normal to want to be able to communicate with your child, because as a parent it helps to know what your child wants and needs. This is much easier when your child can communicate in some fashion.

Even parents of NT kids worry about their kids because that is part of the job description. When making a life, you are responsible for that life, and you want to feel confident that your child will be happy and OK when you are gone. There is no hidden agenda/bad motivation behind this. It is normal to feel like this.

Note to OP: This does not mean that I think you have a concrete reason to worry. I do not think pronouncements at this age mean a thing. I am just explaining why parents worry.

It is a big deal indeed. What's going to happen when the parents die? Do you have any idea how much stress parents of AS go through wondering what will happen to their kids when they can no longer provide for them but the child can't take care of himself?

The OP needs to keep fighting for her son and getting him the treatment that gives the best chance of a successful happy life.

This might be a stupid question but...

Do you read him bedtime (or even daytime) stories, where he can follow along?
Maybe his biggest problem learning language is that he's got to sort out the sounds you are making and the meanings, and the responses, and the stress of making mommy happy with the moment and and and and and... you get my idea? It' might be overwhelming to try and learn/even to hear the sounds of words when in a social situation where responses are expected or required or he needs to understand and create all at once. (This ability may devellop later but for now....)

You want him to enjopy words, then cuddling up in a quiet space at a regular time with a regular plan where he can just sit there and let your words roll over him like ocean waves and relax and ENJOY the words, the way the noises fit together, who knows he might start to echo the words from the books.

Even if its the same book every night for a while. Or the same seven books one for each night.
You know he's excited and learning (even if he doesn't make words yet) once he starts picking his own choices off the bookshelf.

And there's certainly no harm in pointing at the words as you read - after all he knows what an "m" is on the m&m package.

Oddfiction, excellent post!

My mother didn't care when I wasn't talking at 5. She just said I was a walker rather than a talker. I gained speech overnight though, but it didn't change anything.

My mother doesn't care that I have to live at home forever (I'm 31 now).

My mother doesn't care that I can't work.

She cares that I'm safe and happy, and by happy it's how I feel about it all (whether I'm happy or not); she's implemented plans in place if something were to happen to her (it's just her and me here).

It ain't the end of the world for the OP, and her boy will be [and is] just as special as the average bear.

I completely agree with what you're getting at.

It takes awhile to get there. Acceptance is hard. Your mom probably "cared" when you were 2. She probably cried. Her heart was probably broken and she probably feared what would happen to you if something happened to her.

When you are a parent, you have the weight of someone else's world on your shoulders. For a good number of years, your decisions don't just have to be good enough for you. They have to be good enough for someone else. And some of the decisions we have to make could have life-long consequences, be they positive or negative. And they aren't consequences for ourselves, they are consequences for someone else.

Did we accept these realities when we chose to become parents? Well, in a sense, yes. I mean, I think we all knew we'd be responsible for the kid once he or she popped out. But did we really understand them? Not really. Because until you have a kid, you can't understand the enormity of the responsibility. I thought I had all the answers for parenting before I had kids. Now I realize I don't have any. And all I can think is "wow, how naive can a person be?"

Add to that the fact that no kid comes with an instruction manual and your's doesn't even loosely comply with the general guidelines for development, and I think it is understandable why parents struggle so much.

We are bombarded by messages from professionals, other parents, society, the media...a true cacophony of noise...often shouting very loudly that some magical window is going to close if we don't hurry up and catch it. We feel compelled to act. We feel compelled to help. We feel compelled to fix. We panic. We feel helpless. We feel hopeless.

We pick ourselves back up, brush ourselves off, take a deep breath, and vow to "get it right this time."

But there is no "right" stick to help us know if we are on the right track. The only readily available ruler is an NT one, and it is like measuring air with a yardstick. So we have to try to guess if we are on the right path. If we are headed in the right direction. If we are doing enough. If we are doing too much. Because if her peers are at D, how am I supposed to know if she is "supposed" to be at A, B, or C. What if she is at B, but is really supposed to be at C? What if I am shortchanging her? Or, what if I am doing too much?

What if, what if, what if?

But they are our kids and we love them. We want them to be happy. And while that seems simple enough a goal, it really isn't. It's very complex.

I think we need adult aspie and autie input. But it has to be the calm, steady input. It can't just be another source of cacophony. It has to be the guiding beacon. We are already overwhelmed by the rest of it. Perhaps it is like a parental meltdown. We can't even think straight through it.

I have been thinking about this a lot the last few days. Every time a parent is chastised, I worry that he or she will leave and that his or her kids will not have the benefit that mine had. The benefit of ASD guidance from benevolent adults who were able to put aside their bitterness and anger and help a mom to see another point of view.

I realize this probably doesn't belong on this post, but it has been weighing heavily on my heart and in my head and Dillogic's post (beautiful, btw) made it spill out through my fingers.

Pardon my interruption.