question about meltdowns

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I've searched far and wide for advice on managing the actual meltdown and have found very little. The best I've been able to do is to notice what prolongs a meltdown and avoid doing those things. For DS7, it's best that I don't try to reason with him and generally interact as little as possible. At home we send him to his room to calm down. In public I look for a bench or an out of the way spot, and try to get him to sit down. The worst is when I have to decide between letting him run away from me or holding him (which always escalates and prolongs the meltdown but at least he is safe.). Sometimes if he's just starting to spin up and we are on the way to something like buying a toy, we can say, "If you don't calm down we are going home and will not buy the Lego set," and he surprises me by pulling it back together.

There is no moving willingly during a meltdown. If we are at home my husband will put her in her room or somewhere safe. The usually makes it lasts longer because he obviously has to pick her up against her will to do it. In public? Same story. If I'm by myself, I'm pretty SOL becuase FAIAP I'm a m***et. I'm 4'10" and weigh 100lbs. My daughter is not too much shorter and weighs 50lbs. Moving her when she's not in meltdown mode is hard, if shes thrashing around and kicking, it's impossible unless I drag her and win the "parent of the year" award in the process.

If I say something like "If you don't calm down we are going home and will not buy the Lego set," (or whatever, ice cream, or play with the kindle) that only makes the meltdown worse. My husband takes this approach and it really doesn't help unless it's a tantrum and not a meltdown. Its a quick litmus test actually, if we say that and it stops, that was not a meltdown. If we say that and she screams louder and tries to kick us, that's a meltdown. The added stress of having to meet demands that seem impossible at that point in time in order to get something she really wants just makes it that much worse.

Yeah, it really only works when you catch the meltdown just as it's starting. For DS7 it's just as he starts to appear more hyperactive -- roaming in big circles, climbing on things, loud complaining. Have you read Congrats Your Child is Strange at asdstuff.com? There's a table in there that really helped me think about the stages of a meltdown.

Things have gotten better over the last year. It's easier to catch and divert the meltdowns. He's getting more mature, and medication has also made a big difference for him.

I think meltdowns are more art than science sometimes which actually kind of irks me. At this point I can kind of sense when it is going to be OK to talk to him, and when he is too far in. I wish my conscious brain was capable of pinpointing what the Mommy part of my brain is observing, so I could write it down for myself. I still mess up, even now, but after 7 years, I get it right more often than I don't.

When I am able to talk to my son, I have to be very calm and quiet and reassuring until the neurons stop firing and he is capable of being reasoned with.

Some kids let you stroke their hair or rub their backs; Some don't. Some can be led to a quiet place; Some can't. It takes a good deal of trial and error.

During my meltdowns I do say stuff I dont mean, I also (though as an adult not as much) put holes in walls etc. I recently fractured my knuckle doing this. And while it does hurt it is so hard to control, the feeling is hard to describe but everything is magnified more, people trying to help make it worse sometimes. Today I lost it at work and while didn't go into meltdown was not productive at all
As an adult I'm finding it easier to recognize when I'm losing it and remove myself from the situation

My meltdowns are pretty few and far between, but in the past my anger would be directed at myself, not at anyone else. I would "punish" myself by throwing myself against walls, beating my head against walls (to get the "badness" out), scratching and biting my arms and hands. And basically everything CWA's daughter tells her in the midst of one of her meltdowns is what I'd tell myself. The thing is, there was no "recovery" afterward.....I would believe everything I'd told myself and would think I hadn't punished myself enough bcuz I still felt "bad."

...But in re: to the meltdowns that others such as my parents have witnessed, I always felt ashamed afterwards, not bcuz I had verbally abused them, but bcuz I'd acted so innapropriately and bcuz I'd been told by many adults that showing tears beyond a certain age makes you a "crybaby" or "too sensitive."

I know this probably isn't much help.

Deppending on what triggers my meltdown, (confusion, stress, pain, fear, anger or sensory overload) i ether need some time with my control mecanisms, walk around by myself, or at worst, a small dark room with my mp4 and a comfertable place to loung. Amd if someone notices the early signs i can usualy avoid a full blown meltdown, which usualy involves me halping with the remodling of whatever room im in.