Can I make apsergers worse by my lack of or over parenting?

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So actually, when I make my daughter use a cup, that really has no dirt in it, she insists it does. I showed her that its just wear marks on the stoneware. I could be causing more harm, than good? I said lets do an experiment and if you get a tummy ache from using this 'dirty' cup, then you were right about it being dirty.

She wastes too much time checking cutlery and crockery at meal times.

They are actually wear marks and not dirt. We dont see the dirt, she does.

My son had some OCD-like issues and our therapist recommended the workbook "What To Do When Your Brain Gets Stuck." It gave us all some good language to use to help him figure out what was going on both in his brain and in the world. Maybe that can be a place to start; I remember it was very, very difficult to help him through those issues.

For us, with everything, the challenge is finding that fine line between pushing him to do the things he is capable of doing, and pushing him beyond his limits. It is really spectacularly difficult, and it just took lots of trial and error.

You might ask why push him at all, but DS didn't self-motivate, and if we hadn't done some nudging in the correct direction, he would be unhappy and bored out of his mind but still in 1st grade, probably!

However, we had no idea what was going on with him for years, and I found out when we finally got appropriate help for him that our expectations were just way too high, and we were constantly pushing past his limits - which was why his behavior, including the OCD type stuff, was so challenging. We backed waaaaay off, and let him have some time with expectations that were probably a bit low, and then slowly notched it up until we found a place that was OK for everybody.

I wish I could have all those years of expecting too much from him back. That being said, he is doing fine now that we have adjusted to him rather than expecting him to adjust to us.

It depends on the severity of anxiety that results.

If pushing her to use the cup causes severe anxiety, you're probably making it worse. If it causes mild but manageable anxiety, you're making it better.

That's actually how therapists treat OCD - expose the person to things that cause manageable levels of anxiety, while showing them that nothing of what they fear actually occurs. As their fear decreases, they increase the exposure.

YES. YES YES YES.

My mother sheltered me and my father neglected my emotional needs. Atrocious combination.

You could let your daughter handle the cup, put her fingers on the wear marks, is there's texture? You could show her that some cups have wear marks, some don't. She might choose to only use cups without wear marks. For me, that would be fine. I don't minf if my son has certain preferences, and I've noticed that certain things come and go. (he did kinda freak out the other day when we bought some play slime, at it got totally stuck to his hands, he couldn't get it off. I showed him that all you have to do is rub your hands, but at the same time, I let him go and wash it off. So his tendancy towards not liking dirt is definitely set in. He's 5, it's pretty much been established that he doesn't like to get dirty)

Do you think it would help if you drank out of the cup first to show her it's okay? I might drink out the cup, pretend to get sick in a silly way, and say just kidding, just to break any tension with laughter. Like trying to convey the idea that "it's not so bad." I guess this would depend on the temperment of your daughter though.

I'd also wonder how you guys are with germs and stuff like that. My son's mommy (we're divorced) she's very much the nervous high energy type, a little bit overbearing, there's a lot of structure in his house. She also likes the hand sanitizer, and his grandma who he also lives with, is a giant anxiety ball. I think she cleans her hand sanitizer bottle with hand sanitizer (kidding about that)

So for me, I have the 5 second rule where you can eat something off the floor as long as it's only been on the floor for less than five seconds. (only at home) I never tell him something will make him sick unless it really really will. I'll stress not eating berries off of trees, moldy food, etc.

So, I guess I'm getting at painting a larger picture of germs and dirt that goes beyond just food. And I'm actually more afraid that we'll kill the good germs in our effort to get rid of the bad germs, than I am of getting sick from a door knob....so, I know that's an arguable position on things.

I guess I'd rather have my son be less afraid, but maybe get sick, than end up like other relatives I have who, it starts out as a fear of germs, and it turns into something that actually hurts their lives and their happiness....

Hope this helps, sorry about the coffee fueled novel.,.,..

It's hard to know what kids really want and what's really best for them. Does social skills therapy help them find the friends they naturally desire? The social skills therapist certainly sees it that way. Or does it force them into social situations that maximize anxiety with no associated benefit?

When things are going well, my daughter makes acquaintances associated with particular activities or classes. But she never feels truly close to these people and when her classes change she makes new acquaintances and forgets the old. At this point my conclusion is that she has the skills required to make real friends, but she doesn't really want them.

I tell my son all the time that everything we do (usually this is in reference to education, but it applies more broadly) is to keep doors open for him. (This is a heavy metaphor in the Temple Grandin movie, which we saw and I think he understands.) I explain that I want him, for instance, to work hard in math (which he hated up to this year) because I don't want him to be prevented from getting into STEM studies when he is older.

I also explained that when he gets there, it will be completely his decision which of the doors he chooses to go through, and I will support him in any choice he makes. I am not expecting him to become a scientist, I just want him to be able to be a scientist if he wants to be one.

I think this applies to socializing as well: I want him to have the tools; it's up to him how he decides to use them.

Very nicely stated. I'm going to use that.

I can only share about me as each person is unique. I am now over 50 and there were no resources back when I was in school. I fit all the characteristics of Asperger's syndrome and fairly severe as a kid. I am now married almost 20 yrs, have friends, and am what would be considered a successful Professional.
As a teen, I had zero friends, hated school, went an entire year at a time not speaking in class, bullied, threatened by bullies, wore weird unmatching clothes, hated people, and especially was angry with my parents. Once grown, I mended that though.
There was absolutely zero my parents could do to help me. in fact I resisted their great advice which ultimately was good when I grew up and had a clearer head.
I picked my own college and worked just to be independent of my parents. I loved college and made friends.
Feel free to pm me as I don't want to share more in a post.
I would say at this point based on my experience from my perspective and posts I read: More talk to your teen and listen. Less fixing. Rules, be an example, discipline, love but they aren't fixable by you.
I would qualify my advice as I personally have not gotten my own through teens yrs yet.