This new Facebook meme scares the crap out of me

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http://sarahkendzior.com/2012/12/16/wan ... -her-blog/

Well here is another blog post saying that the woman who wrote the blog sounds like she is seeking attention. I have not really looked through it.

In-This-Together has some valid points, and I don't think the author was seeking attention; she is a writer, it is what she does apparently, and she uses her family as the inspiration. I'm just very uncomfortable with some of the things in the article, and that makes me uncomfortable with how quickly it has been embraced.

I do agree that in some ways it is a brave piece, but if that mother had written it as a post here, we would be asking questions and nudging her on certain aspects of it. Without a doubt, I have it easier than she does, and without a doubt I don't have all the information, but I have a hard time getting past a mother using hospitalization as a threat (as v a haven, a chance to get better) and essentially trying to punish her child for mentioning suicide. I can only imagine one set of circumstances where that would be the right way to handle a mention of suicide, when you 100% know the person isn't serious and is using the threat for manipulation, and if that was her situation, she would have said so. I hate to be judgmental of another parent, especially one that faces challenges I know nothing about, but her reactions in that piece just felt wrong. An opinion, only; if her and I were having a conversation I'd be able to ask questions and maybe gather information to change that opinion but since we aren't, it is what it is.

I also agree with the blogger Lesley1978 linked, that she has made life really rough for her son by going public. Did he give permission, I wonder? There is a reason I guard my privacy even though I'd happily go public in order to help everyone who has ASD kids, if it would help. That reason is that my son does not want to be public. I can never reveal who I am because that would reveal who he is. It does little good for a writer using her own name to change the name of her child for an article.

At the very least, we need to open a conversation among those copying the piece. I wonder what they see in it, why it strikes them so? I guess I should ask. It's been copied by 3 of my Facebook friends, and I quickly told them that the article didn't sit well with me, but I guess it would have been better starting with why it fits well for them. Just such an emotional time, I know everyone out there wants to do something.

It is a valid question as to how directly we should link anything we try to put out there. I do like MomSparky's version outside of this open question.

I do think we, as a group of parents, should try to float something out, because there is indication that Adam Lanza may have been on the spectrum (if I'm recalling the articles I've read correctly). To speak as a group there would have to be some type of consensus. Is that possible? Anyway, still like the idea of trying.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 17 Dec 2012, 6:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was upset by this, before, so I didn't post much before other than approval for what DW wrote.

As someone with a child on the spectrum who has behavioral issues this terrifies me. We don't at this point have issues anywhere like this, but I am fully aware of how ignorant I am of what the future holds. I am terrified about the effects of the NT world (or just nature) will have on my son. I am terrified about how things could turn. This "awareness" just makes things worse.

The NT world is not very tolerant/understanding about meltdowns as is. I just hope this does not get worse. It makes me glad the specifics of my son's diagnosis are largely unknown by people, although I do not know if that will even make a difference. I really hope every child who melts down is not going to have to tolerate increasing unpleasantness or worse.

I know it is a rough environment for writers, now and so they use their blogs as a vehicle. I don't know how many of them are exaggerated hybrids of fiction and nonfiction. I avoid the Mommy Blogs like the plague because I don't enjoy them and they tend to be part of the whole Mommy War junk I have no patience for. And I also do not respect people who sacrifice their family's privacy for the sake of imaginary online friends, page views and whatever else.

All I know is I really, really hope my son has a good day, today, even more than I normally do.

Same here.

I don't know guys, I know people who have had to repeatedly hospitalize their kids. Did I not know them personally, perhaps I'd see things differently. The panic, the fear, the constant hypervigilance...I am in no position to judge this woman. I see in her desperation. And I have to tell you that if my son had held a knife on me, I'd be in desperation, too. The kid doesn't even have a diagnosis yet. She can't get any help. And everywhere she turns, I am sure she faces judgement. And I fear the judgment we are passing on her is pretty much the same as the judgment that has been passed on me when dealing with my daughters public tantrums. People who have not lived it cannot understand. My reactions may not be "right" according to the uneducated public, but I live it, and it know it is the best way. Most of us have not lived this, so I don't think we can understand. Unless you have an explosive kid who is homicidal, suicidal, and makes credible threats against himself, you and your family, I don't think any of us are in a place to judge her.

Regarding the privacy issues, honestly, there are thousands of mothers out there who blog and put their kid's issues out there for the world to see. Not my cup of tea. The whole blogging thing is not my cup of tea. But I do not feel comfortable sitting in judgment.

Again, I am not opposed to having our own sentiments made public. I am just against doing it in a way that will likely only heighten this mother's pain and feelings of isolation. Of all people, WE should be able to attempt to put ourselves in her shoes.

Edited to add: On second thought, I don't know how to put it into words quite yet, so I'll pass.

I have an idea. I will work on it today and share it tonight if people feel they can wait. I do not use social media at all, so I don't know if the speed of things makes this prohibitive. I will not be angry if people move forward with the "We are not Adam Lanza's Mom" thing. I just think there has got to be away that acknowledges the horror she and mothers like her feel on a regular basis, while still bringing to light our concerns.

I would also like to add that this morning when listening to my local news the lead in line mentioned that Adam Lanza had Aspergers. I thought "Great." Here we go. The rest of the bit was that there is absolutely no connection between Aspergers and the level of violence that happened in CT. The two are unrelated.

Somebody, somewhere in some news station is our ally. Let's hope his or her voice continues to be strong.

I think this woman has a difficult time understanding some kinds of humor. From the pieces she included in her post, the woman doesn't really want to throttle her kids, or let the state take care of them. Anyone who would take that seriously...well...seriously...someone would take that seriously? That the woman tries to maintain a sense of humor through all of this is no evidence that her concerns are not real. And certainly not evidence that she is the horrible person the above blogger is painting her out to be. Honestly, I think the above blogger is the one with the issue.

Not that my opinion matters, nor that I know either woman personally or have followed either of their blogs. But my Goodness. Talk about taking things out of context and assigning things meaning that they were never intended to have...

InThisTogether,

I do not disagree with you about having empathy for the blogger and her family as well as obviously the victims of the shooting and their families. I understand the blogger wanting to vent and all that. In my selfish way, I suppose, I just worry about the effect all this (not just her blog post, but the shooting itself) will have on us and our kids. That is my focus because I tend to hyper focus on autism, my kid and his future.

It isn't about mocking her or taking her blog apart; it is about how to make it clear that spectrum kids should not be demonized. It is the same issue I have with Autism Speaks. It isn't that I don't want parents to have avenues of help and expression. I just think that there has to be a balance between that and making sure our kids are looked at as human beings and not subhuman dangers or burdens.

I am probably not expressing this very well. I don't know if I am making sense.

I don't think any of us want to rush this idea, and I am happy to wait until everyone has their thoughts in order - If we create a piece, I'd like it to be ours - as in, representative of those on this board who decided to participate. I realize that will take time.

We have been in the position of deciding that suicidal language means going to the hospital; in our case, the ER. We framed it differently than this mother, but I freely admit we had better tools - including this board, where I worked with the people here to find a way to handle it.

I understand to some degree where this mother is coming from: when you are terrified and in fear for your life and your child's life, and you have no tools, you do whatever you have available to you. (My child was younger than 10 when we were dealing with this kind of behavior - which makes an absolute difference in how it affects you.) You also don't tend to talk about it rationally or respectfully because you can't when you are in the middle of it.

I don't want to isolate this woman more, but I do want to point out that when you're dealing with a child, no matter how violent or frightening they are in the moment, the situation is not hopeless. Not because children are magical, but because children are still developing and more and better tools are being made available every day.

We can't predict the future for any child in either direction. I mostly want to make that point: violence in childhood does not mean violence in adulthood is a foregone conclusion.

This ^

Even NT kids have fist fights amongst themselves and stuff as kids, and it does not mean they are destined for the prison system as adults.

I am also seeing response posts to this post (including the one linked) that I don't like, either.

It is not reasonable to ask that an adult who's going through this without a safety net to be rational or not to engage in venting. I agree with InThisTogether that her blog is an exercise in hyperbole, and while it's frightening to see someone make light of such a serious situation as she is in, some of us get through things with gallows humor.

I also agree 100% with what ASDMommyASDKid said, and that's my main concern here.

So, if we re-start this, how do we do it while offering some support and understanding for this mother, while still maintaining the idea that there is hope for children no matter what they are like?

I've edited my first post to soften it a bit, and explain myself more.

I look forward to seeing other suggestions.

A statement about childhood issues not predicting adulthood should be included.

I just wish she had written somewhere in her article that maybe there could have been a better way to handle that day. It is a thought she needs to be open to.

I should probably stop reading news coverage of this, but anyway, there is some good stuff out there. I did not vet the Web 2.0 comments b/c there is likely to be some trolling comments I would rather not read. The article makes some good points.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/20 ... olent.html

"Planned, social violence is not a feature of autism. Indeed, autistic people are far more likely to have violence done against them than to do violence to others. No one knows as of this writing what drove the Connecticut shooter to kill 20 children and 7 adults, point blank, although obvious candidates are rage, hate, a huge grudge against humanity, and some triggering event. But if he turns out to have been someone on the spectrum, I'd like to remind everyone that autism is not an explanatory factor in his actions. And that autistic people like my son are fully, fully capable of empathizing with those who were the target of them."

I think the focus needs to be on how to be there for troubled kids and young adults, FOR WHATEVER REASON THEY ARE TROUBLED.

As a society we have completely FAILED young adults and their families. Once our kids are 18, we don't have a vote on treatment or help. There is no guarantee of healthcare unless the person is super poor and has the wherewithal to figure out how get assistance. Most folks I have known who that need help, probably couldn't figure out the system. Further, most say no thank you. They have to be positively delusional before someone else would be allowed to make decisions for them (or even be kept in the loop about meds and treatment).

So, focusing on a specific dx and getting our panites in a twist because it's mentioned, is not likely to change anything. If you look at most of the really horrific, planned crimes of late, they are usually perpetrated by troubled young men from good families. Probably families who tried to do everything they could. Distancing ourselves from them may feel better...but as a culture the only way to help is to provide support.

I will not judge the writer (and am appalled to hear others judge her!), I will stand in solidarity with every parent who doesn't know what to do about their troubled kid. I am that parent on some days and I bet so was Adam Lanza's mom, who they say did everything for him and was a devoted mother - until her kid shot her four times in the face.

I cringed when they started mentioning this boy may have Aspergers. My son just did a PowerPoint presentation three weeks ago in class explaining what AS was and wasn't. He wanted to do it and he thought it went very well. He said a few kids asked questions and one said he had seen someone on TV that had it and now he understood what it was. I am waiting to see if anything gets said to him today. I really hope not.

I really appreciated the article below. Especially this quote.


"They ask me because they know I have an autistic child, and they assume that makes me an expert in dealing with emotional issues in children on the spectrum. However, my earlier responses have always been very consistent: Children in the autistic spectrum, who are treated and come from loving homes, are as pure as snow. The vast majority will grow up with moral values for themselves and for others."

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/12/1 ... z2FLClSfL2