Irritated

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My son is similar and after careful observation and input from others who work with him the conclusion we have come to is that it is that the problem stems from embarrassment and shame and he has VERY strong negative reactions to anything he feels shame or embarrassment about. I would say that he has a very over-developed sensitivity in this regard. From your description of the situation, the same may be true for your kiddo. Now that I have this piece of knowledge under my belt, I can be more cognizant of how I approach things with him, I can have realistic expectations of how he is going to respond and I can help him work on the emotional regulation he needs to moderate his reactions and responses when he feels embarrassed or ashamed. One particularly difficult aspect of this condition is that it is pretty much impossible to approach some life lessons head-on with him because he has that explosive negative reaction. The cause seems to be that if we are too direct in trying to teach him some things, he feels like we are treating him like a baby, and that is embarrassing. We find that we have to be more sophisticated and often less direct. Sorry if this sounds far too vague. For an example, in the situation with the oven, I might have said "Bummer, I was planning to put that food straight into the thermos when it was hot and not let it cool off in the oven. That way it would still be hot when you guys stopped to eat it. I guess it won't be so hot now." Then I would have just left it. I know a lot of times we talk here about how important it is to be explicit when giving as Aspie directions but I guess for us, if there is any hint that the lesson/instruction/constructive criticism being delivered is due to a failure (or perceived failure) on DS's part, the lesson is probably not going to be absorbed and the reaction is likely to be negative and often explosively so. Maybe someday he will be able to "learn from his mistakes" however, for us, that day is not today.

We run into this one a lot - and this section is where your problem is.

Knowing your audience is a social pragmatic speech issue where many of our kids have a deficit. DS simply copies the pragmatics of whoever he is around most at the time - therefore, especially during holidays when he isn't around kids much, he models our speech. EXACTLY. It sounds an awful lot like disrespect, because why would a 12-year-old be giving directions and orders to a parent?

The reality is that our son models our speech. If we want him not to sound disrespectful, we have to be very, very careful how we talk to him. Unfortunately, we have this parent-talks-to-child way of communicating that is pretty ingrained and very hard for us to change, and we run into this same situation often. (Doesn't help to explain it to DS; he is not really aware of it. It frequently helps me to remember that I prefer him talking like a parent than I do him talking like a 12 year old boy in the lunchroom...)

If you look over this whole interaction, you will see that your child was simply mirroring your speech and your behavior back to you, and it makes total sense that he asked for an apology, because it's exactly what you would do if the situation were turned around. I doubt it was intended disrespectfully - even though I completely understand how irritating it is!

My son's insecurity is that he doesn't think he's smart. Looking back now, i can understand his "defensiveness" when i pointed something out. I remember feeling like this as a kid too, and the embarrassment. So yes, as much as I try to point out his strengths and help him feel "capable" I'm not always aware or sensitive when approaching him about a mistake.

My son said I yelled at him. I don't think I was, initially, when I was talking about the oven situation and in fact, i was handling it quite well. I probably did though when talking about his attitude.. the interruption, eye-rolling, mimicking, telling me to shut-up.. which is why I left for Starbucks. I did apologize later on that night, when we reflected upon the day, but the "relief" he got (and gets) is that "mom admitted she was wrong" and fixates on that alone. He doesn't acknowledge his role or wants to hear about it. That's what I want him to work on. Acknowledging - self awareness and the awareness of others.

DS uses the word "yelled" whenever we speak sternly. I think he just can't appreciate the subtleties of correction in a stern voice - he is binary - either you are "yelling" or you are speaking kindly. Everything we say falls into those two categories.

I'm not saying you are doing it wrong - I'm saying that at this moment, he can't perceive things in the way you want him to, and that's just the way it is. It's going to take time and probably pragmatic speech therapy before he gets the distinctions that you are trying to make. The point is that he is neither self-aware nor aware of others - that's part of the deficit.

This is not to say that it will never change, but it's going to be a slow, gradual process.