Some Women and Emotions

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I would concur that the above is a good idea because the following part is a definite possibility.



I think, also, your wife needs to know that you probably don't see 'fat,' 'thin,' or 'muffin top,' or even the other things. You might want to explain that a common feature of AS is social blindness, and you may not be the best person to offer perspective.

Some of this may well be frustration with her body and the fact that her clothes don't fit the way she wants them to: I know I get frustrated when I think I have to buy a new wardrobe and it's complicated because I am also ashamed that I gained weight. It's kind of preprogrammed for women to feel that way. Some of this may be something she has to work out for herself and you just need to be supportive.

"Be supportive" for me means that my husband listens quietly to my frustrations, tells me he loves me the way I am, and that he doesn't care about x, y, or z (like fatness, or loudness or whatever) that is bothering me about myself and also that he knows I am frustrated and is sorry I'm having a hard time.

For me being supportive is to listen. I would like my inlaws to be more supportive, I find they offer answers to every moan, sometimes a moan is just a moan and all I need in reply is agreement and some one acknowledge it can be hard at times. Instead they offer endless ridiculous solutions which are impossible, impractical or I have already considered it and rejected it for whatever reason. This drives me mad!

There is one thing I am confused about in what you said and that is when you say that all you need in reply is agreement. If I do not agree with you about something on a particular issue why would I reply in agreement if I literally do not agree? I don't understand and I am perplexed and confused.

The thing is I truthfully do see her as beautiful and I do not know why she can't accept what my opinion.



I told her this one time and I was trying to get her to understand the logic of why I have major issues zipping up a dress. I told her that her fatness had nothing to do with whether I could zip up her dress or not. It was irrelevant. It was my motor coordination issues that was the issue. I told her besides she is not fat at all and she looks beautiful to me. I told her this plenty of times. She still got upset and thought that I thought she was fat when this was not the case whatsoever. It makes no sense whatsoever to me. It is like she disregarded part of what I told her.



I have been to anger management counseling and my counselor who was a guy told men and women are like this for the most part. When an issue comes up men want to try to treat it as a problem solving exercise and provide a solution. Women just want to be able to be listened to and vent. This is not always the case. How does my listening to her vent solve the underlying problem?

Ok, sorry I meant if Ive had a bad day I dont want people saying things like "well get a different job, move house, at least you dont have cancer" which I get from my inlaws a lot, its not helpful. So it makes me want to bottle things up, when actually just saying how I feel out loud can make me feel better. That example is not particularly relevant to your situation, but sometimes we say things just to put it out there, its just nice to know some one is listening and can ackowledge we feel down about whatever it is.

Sorry if thats no clearer!

Because we women are smart people who want to solve problems on our own, and sometimes we need to hear ourselves talk it out to figure out the solution. If you step in and start solving the problem for us, it interrupts our process, and unintentionally negates the idea that we are capable people.

So, I think your wife needs you to have a little faith that she is able to resolve an issue on her own if you will only be patient and let her do so. Maybe a "What do you need from me, I want to be supportive?" is a better answer than trying to explain or to fix it. (And definitely be there for her if she asks for physical affection - e.g. hugs, etc.)

You may need to show her the issue with the zipper in some kind of situation where she isn't already angry and it isn't about her body. Not in an "I told you so" kind of way, but instead an "even the zipper on the suitcase is hard for me." (Just don't do that when the suitcase is overfilled, or there will be conclusions drawn that you don't want.)

I think ConfusedNewb is making a lot of sense, too.