When parents die

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I think it is an Aspie trait to be more logical, less emotional, about death, and maybe to grieve differently (at a different intensity and on a different timetable) than the standard approved method.

For example, immediately I tend to get calm. I don't know if it's numb or shutdown or really calm; I suspect there's at least an element of really calm there 'cause I listen to other people and try to help them with their grief and generally get stuff done. Somewhere between a few days and a few weeks later, that breaks. THEN I get upset.

People think I'm horrid. I think they're silly. I think it's very effective-- "Look-- you guys fall apart and get upset. Lean on me; I'll be the calm one while you get it out of your systems. Once you're over it, I'll fall apart. I'd appreciate being able to lean on you then." Seems practical. But nooooooo. You get judgment.

I think it's perfectly sane for you to feel relief at the death of an abusive, manipulative, generally foul parent. On some level anyway, I think anyone would be glad to have release from that cycle.

Especially if you've got any level of healthy coping skills, any level of thought of how things are supposed to be or could be if it just wasn't this way. I'm perfectly certain that's how I'd feel.

My own parents didnt die yet. When my aunt died, I was very sad. It was very suddenly, so you were called and suddenly a person you loved was gone. At the funeral you could see that her husband and her daughter, who I also liked, were very sad too, it affected me much and I also cried.

On the other side, when my grandaunt died, I was told to act rude. So she was no supersupernice person, but always a fair person. If you worked all day in the garden you got a cake from her, she liked to play with us kids, but if we did something that we were not allowed she also hit us (soft). I liked her.

She was a very radical communist and also lived during the time between the two world wars, so she knew of all the struggles and hunting of political groups at that time.

As all good radical communists, she was no member of a church, so some other old guy came that was their communistic group leader around 1935. So we were at my grandaunts funeral and this guy starts a professional speech about the communistic efforts they showed around that time, what they all did and created as a group and so on. So everything was ok, and everything he told about really happened and so on, but the way he orated had something of that lunatic guys from earlier days. So it was a bit weird, hearing a lunatic speech about the profits of communism at my grandaunts funeral, but if this was her last will, its ok for me. ^^

So as good communist, not believing in an afterlife, she simply let herself burn, and after the speech the urn was brought to the urngrave. There two groups of my relatives started to quarrel with each other before the urn grave, because the graveyard worker was supposed to give the urn into the urn grave, but suddenly some of my relatives wanted to do that on their own to honour my grandaunt. Another group of my relatives felt disturbed, because they felt the others would be prefered if they were allowed to give the urn into the grave, and if the graveyard worker would do that, all relatives were equal treated.

Because of that around a third of my relatives didnt go to the funeral meal afterwards, giving the group that remained more opportunities to be nasty about them.

When friends and people who knew me, asked about the funeral I simply told them, how I felt about it: Weird, ridiculous and in a crazy way it was simply funny.

Because of village chitchat my relatives got to hear how I thought about the funeral, and I was told that I was rude, because a funeral is a earnest thing that has to be respected, and its not funny or weird in any way. I mean sorry, but Lenin met Dallas at my grandaunts funeral, so I really did like my grand aunt, but you knew already 1 year before that there will be not much time left for her, so it was no sudden shock or something, we could say slowly good bye to her. So it was not the death of my grandaunt I laughed about, it was simply because of the way the funeral was happening. -.-

Instead they are nasty on their own about the funeral, but instead of me simply smiling about my grand aunts last wishes and accepting and laughing a bit about them, they are talking about how the funeral was a catastrophe, that my aunts wishes should not have been respected because they were nonsense and ruined her funeral for the others, and led to them quarreling at my grand aunt graves. -.- So this is ok. But saying the funeral was funny, isnt. -.-

I'd hate to admit it, but I predict that I'll feel a true sense of freedom when my parents pass on. My parents tried their darndest to try to raise the autism out of me and I'm happy that it didn't work. I remember telling my friends that if my parents ever passed away that I'd throw a big 60s Party and everyone would be invited, about a decade ago.

I think that since your parents were abusive it may be easier to deal with their deaths than had they been completely loving parents.
My dad died when i was 18 months old so i don't remember anything.
My mother is still alive and if she were to die i think i would completely lose the last strands of sanity i might have....

i feel tempted to settle in a forest
but i am scared of insects
especially lizards and snakes
i would be too terrified of howling dogs at night
and sounds of forest
i wont be ultimately able to sleep
when i went for jungle camp at sunderban mangrove forest
i couldnt sleep whole night due to the sounds of owl on the roof.

that would be misunderstood as a mourning after lunch/dinner
and if its actually a party many might not come due to fear of being social ridicule

Whether you're sad or not at your parents' death has nothing to do with AS. It has to do with the relationship you have with them.

If you never formed any kind of positive bond with them, it won't upset you to have them die.

Not all people with abusive parents will be happy to have them die, though. While some abusive parents are just uniformly mean to their kids, others will have both mean and nice sides to them. As a result, the kid grows up with a complicated bond to the parent, where they do love the parent but are afraid of them as well. They would feel deeply mixed at that parents' death, and probably would grieve to some extent.

It all has to do with what style of attachment you have.

I had lots of strong emotions when my dad died, but I was not always sure what they were.

I used to get overwhelmed and sort of fall suddenly asleep. Sometimes I felt like a steam boiler with to much pressure, ready to explode. Often I felt completely numb.

I loved him very much and miss him terribly.

I think that he may also have been on the spectrum and that autistic traits passed from my grandfather through him, to me and then to my son. I am angry now that I cannot talk with him about it.

I often did not understand what was happening at the time, but in hindsight I would say the time of intensive grieving for him took about two years.