8 year old with Autism....iPad...eating issues... several qu

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Again, if you have specific questions for the parents, I think you really need to ask them in a non-accusatory kind of way.

Another possibility: just getting food into his mouth may well have been a struggle. Many a kid on this board has been known to starve themselves because they couldn't tolerate the sensory experience of eating - that old saw about "eventually the kid will eat" does not apply to children whose sensory systems aren't working correctly. You pick your battles as a parent, so it could be that they are reinforcing eating, and not worrying about being socially acceptable for now.

You are highly focused on skills that are basically fine-tuned social skills - that may not be the area where this child needs to focus. Again, you need to ask the parents before you assume that something that clearly bothers you is something worth that family's time and effort (and it is a whole-family issue.) It is very likely that this family is so overwhelmed that they have chosen not to sweat the small stuff; if they want to work on fine-tuning eating behavior they might need a home aide - this may or may not be available to them in your state.

If it continues to bother you and not them or their child, might I suggest you simply visit at times that are not mealtimes?

Most of us know from personal experience that people with a background in social work or psychology who don't specialize in autism sometimes do more harm than good. My own family sat through many years - from the time my high-functioning son was 3 on - of family therapy and watched things get progressively worse. When we got to a point where we feared for my son's life, we finally went to a specialist. In less than 6 months, the behaviors we were most concerned about that everyone was telling us to medicate or punish or star-chart away - were manageable. Two years later, at age 12, DS was honored at school FOR HIS BEHAVIOR AND POSITIVE ATTITUDE and is on the honor roll. This wasn't magic - this was pretty much about us (and his school) meeting him where he was and making sure we didn't get in the way. This is with a child who met most of the developmental benchmarks - I can't imagine what it would be like for a child who does't speak.

We would never have got there if we had continued with traditional therapies and systems like you describe: we'd been using positive and negative reinforcement per the direction of a whole phalanx of professionals with no success at all. This is not to say that we don't use some of those techniques - it's that they are reserved for very specific situations, used in a very specific way - and that they are not our primary method of reaching our son.

I would also point out that, although my son has a college-level vocabulary and is on the honor roll - we struggle to get him to use a fork and sit properly at a table. He isn't wired to do either of those things, and it takes an intense amount of concentration for him to manage both at once. Adding in ambient noise of conversation and an unfamiliar environment (say at a restaurant) and we frequently break out the electronics.

There was a time where I tried to address all my son's negative behaviors, not letting him get away with any improper or inappropriate behavior at any time for consistency's sake, and let me tell you our lives were a living hell. The kid had no time at all where he wasn't being criticized or corrected or in a time out or a threat to take away something or some privilege was being made. He woke up the day grumpy and he ended his day even unhappier. We were all miserable and under an enormous amount of stress. His behaviors did not get better, in fact they got worse. I grew unhappier and more depressed every day.

My husband and I decided to make a team effort in changing our parenting approach. We would pick our battles better and not make everything a battleground. A happier, less stressed out me is so much better for my kid(s). We also had a SEIT come on board to help correct his problems at school. Apparently what he was being taught at home was not being reinforced at school, where he was allowed to get away with negative behaviors, so it undermined what we were trying to teach him at home. The SEIT has been helping modify his behavior so there is more consistency in the messages of what is right and wrong, and this has been helping tremendously.

I don't know what else your nephew is struggling with, so perhaps eating is one of the lesser battles to be dealt with at this time. If my child resisted any interaction with me and couldn't talk to me (which he used to do when he was preverbal), I certainly wouldn't want my only interactions with him to be battles. However I do understand what you are saying and your concerns are legitimate. But it is very unfair to really judge the decisions of parents and assume your theory on parenting is better especially if you don't have to live with the child 24/7.

Your story hit a chord with me, so I just wanted to tell you a story about my son...

When my son was 3, he had relatively few words. I remember trying to bring him to story time at the library. I wanted to be able to go to the library like all the other moms I was friends with. When we got there, though, all the other children would sit quietly and listen to the story. My son would run in circles like a crazy child. I would try a couple times to get him to come and sit, but it was not possible. Eventually, I would become embarrassed, would giggle and say, "My son - he just loves to run" (yes, almost exactly the same words as your cousin uses). Not because he loves to run - he doesn't love to run, its just what he did when very stressed - but because I was upset and he was upset and because I knew if I held him in my lap and tried to get him to sit still, he would SCREAM and meltdown. Eventually, we stopped going to the library. I just wanted to repeat what others have mentioned.... unless you have lived in the situation, it is likely you can not completely understand what it is like to have a child with a disability. Instead of judgement from the other mothers at story time, I would have loved support and understanding.

When my son was 3, we had no idea that it was autism we were dealing with, but that was just when his behavior started to take an alarming turn. I had pretty much the same experience with storytime (and his preschool reported similar issues, which never appropriately resolved.) I also finally stopped going to the library, because I didn't know what else to do. (Not only would DS melt down, he'd become violent and try to hurt me.)

I haven't thought of this in years, but your story made me snicker at myself a bit - because here we are with the same experiences, but in my head at the time it was "I'm a bad parent, a pushover, I'm just not being strict enough." Back then, it never occurred to me that there were other possibilities than failure on my part, and that I actually was doing the right thing by not pushing him to do something he couldn't do. (These days he loves books, libraries, and sometimes even storytime or theater, but it's been a long road.)

Story time was a colossal disaster at age 3 for us, too. One person who thought she was really clever (She owned a daycare, and I guess was hoping I would use her services) started trying to verbally discipline my son. I was so embarrassed, because I knew what she was thinking, I could not help it and cried. Of course her efforts didn't work (and I did get her to mind her own beeswax before I started tearing up) and the smugness went away. But, yes, as parents we will often say things to people like"Oh, yes my son is just boisterous or shy or whatever adjective that applies to the situation that looks the most normative, and will get people off our case. They may very well know about online support groups, and not want to tell you where they go, because they want to be able to post there privately.

It could be that the reason you do not get more specific information from the parents is that they sense you are judgmental, and do not have the energy or inclination to deal with yet another person who thinks he has all the answers. Having a light background in psychology is not the help you think it is. It is like thinking taking psych 101, gives you the right and the information to randomly psychoanalyze people.

I also want to echo, that even when you are the parent of a high functioning child you cannot work on everything that child needs help with all you want. The child does not have the ability to self-improve in that many things, and make good progress. If I had a non-verbal child, frankly, table manners would be the least of what I would care about. Honestly, I have an HFA kid and my son's table manners could use some refinement, but right now, I treat it as "good enough" because I have higher priorities.

That does not mean that you have to let him take food off your plate or make a mess in your home. I think maybe this child is not ready for mealtime outings even at family homes. You are within your rights to not invite them to your home at mealtime or any other time. You can also decline invitations that are at meal time at your cousins' home as well. You can also be honest and tell them why.

That is very different from YOU deciding which of their son's milestones they need to concentrate on and telling them how to achieve them. I do not know if you also have autistic traits, but it may be a theory of mind thing as to why you do not see that this is insulting. You are in effect, telling the parents that despite their 8 years of experience with the child, and all the experts they have access to at the school and elsewhere, that they have no idea what they are doing and are too lazy to get help for their kid. It implies you do not trust them to be good parents. Would you like if people targeting something that your child was not too great in, maybe even something not very important to you, and then started harping on it until you felt really bad about yourself or your child? This is how it might feel to them.