Questions for mums on the spectrum

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You are right. I am lucky. I think I am naturally inclined to be more positive and over the years, I have used CBT techniques to hone it. When I am not feeling good, it takes a lot of work.

I do think that many parents push their kids way too hard to be way too involved in way too many things. So I agree it is ridiculous. The fact that my kids do nothing probably wouldn't bother me so much, except the fact that I think they both would like to be involved in more. I just don't have the time, the money, or the...will?...to do it.

I'm actually having a bad day today. And I feel very bad that I have given my son his genes. Right now I think I just pretty much suck. So I guess even Polly Anna has her limits.

It's not a sore point with me personally but I know that there are diagnosed members who pour scorn on undiagnosed members. No need to apologise for anything. Thanks for your input, sounds like you have some similar issues to me.

I am undiagnosed but pretty certain I'm not NT. My main problem in parenting has been giving my son enough attention. I think that though he's only 4, he can sense that I'd rather be doing something else. I have packed away all my interests for now and although I feel sad about it, I am trying to give him my full focus. He's just a kid, after all, and he needs me. He can't understand.

And since he's on the spectrum (PDD-NOS), he's not the easiest kid to be around. I think he's ADHD, because he's never still and he has very poor impulse control and somehow manages to make a beeline for the most dangerous/fragile/expensive thing in any room. Soon I may not be able to take him to public places because of his behavior. He's getting too large to sit in a shopping cart with a seatbelt and he likes to bolt.

Mindsigh, your point about special intersts is a good one. My son's special interests do not overlap with mine very well. It is hard for me to give his the attention that he does. So the fact that I have trouble with things that are not intrinsically a special interest for me does make it harder. On the other hand the fact that I understand how important it is to have SOMEONE to share your interests with, kind of forces me to do better than I would normally do. I do it, but it is not always easy, especially when my day is going poorly and I feel like I need to withdraw into my own interests. Also, I wish I had more time to focus on fun special interests vs my mandatory autism/DS education focus. My husband took care of DS and I went to see The Hobbit when it came out, and it felt so nice to just be immersed in something, again. It is rare that I can do that, now, and I saw how much I missed it.

Doh!

I just realized "mum" meant mother...sorry.

It's one of my stressors that I don't have time for my interests, being a parent. I know all parents lose their 'me' time, but I need time to obsess over subjects and research things. I feel very disorganised these days too, it's all taken such a big hit. Before children I managed to organise myself with the help of a lot of lists, diaries and calendars. It's all gone to hell now and I barely know my name most days.

I did wonder if you posted on the wrong thread. I still don't know what you mean though, what has the word 'mum' got to do with dogs and being non-verbal?

SUPER STRESSFUL



OFTEN



ABSOLUTELY. EXPONENTIALLY HARDER. YES TO THE GUILT.



YES!! ! Many times I feel like someone else could do a much better job, a person who handles stress better than I do. A person who has a better template of what a good parent is. Someone who has more patience than I do!



YES!! ! I am a perfectionist. And guilt keeps me thinking about the kids all the time often to the detriment of tending to my own needs properly, which makes me even more stressed out.



I've got 2 kids on the spectrum and a quasi-NT full-time tween stepdaughter. I am on overload practically every day!! ! Please don't think you are alone. Trust me, I love my kids more than life, but I really miss my solitude!! !

"Mum" can mean silent as in "I am mum on the matter."

I was thinking that training a dog might be a way to find speaking easier, since the dog likes to be spoken too.

Ahhh, yes. Hence the phrase "keeping mum". Although I never understood what that exactly meant either (even though I knew when it was used and what for). Thanks.

You sound so much like me, having the same experience. I love my children desperately, do everything to protect them and parent them diligently and attentively, and would give my life to save them. However, I feel at times like I made a big mistake, and should never have had children because although I do what needs to be done and do it well, it is a very conscious activity that I find so difficult and there are way too many stressors involved. They are here now so I can't change that, and I wouldn't be without them because of how much I love them, but I sometimes feel that I made the wrong decision because I didn't have a diagnosis then and didn't know I had a genetic condition, and it all feels too difficult and I'm like stuck between a rock and a hard place with no solution. It's not like you bought something from a shop that you can return if you change your mind because it doesn't work how you thought it would. I feel the desperate urge to run away quite a lot, but I couldn't do that to them, it would devastate them and I also wouldn't trust anyone else to care for them like I do. I know what they feel and why, even my husband has no idea on that front. The soul-destroying thing is, that children are only 'lent' to you anyway, they grow up and fly the nest and you are left a husk of your former self by the time that happens.

Almost every day feels like a massive failure to me, when I lose my temper over something stupid and show my kids that I always value "the right thing" more than their feelings. At the end of the day I replay over in my mind all the things I did poorly and what I should have done better in retrospect but cannot do in real life because I get overwhelmed and cannot think fast enough on the spot when they throw this cr@p at me. I feel like I go through my day reacting to everything instead of managing well. And then I just simply cannot wait for them to go to bed so I can decompress, and they sense this and it becomes a vicious cycle. I often feel like the worst parent ever.

And then when my DS4 growls at me "I HATE YOU!" I die inside, thinking I must really deserve it.

My 8yo told me today that she was going to end my life! You know there is a saying, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. That's what it's like isn't it. You go through every possible way to make the best of dealing with their behaviour, like logically, and nothing seems to work. I read that normal approaches don't work for autistic children. I'm sure I wasn't so extreme when I was a child though, I was very passive and anxious. I would shutdown rather than meltdown as a first option.

I also feel like a failure, I pressure myself so much. They shout all this mean stuff at me and I really take it to heart.

I am very sorry. I am sure she loves you very much. They really can be full of hyperbole.

I think my approach is different than many others, in that I take a very hands off approach to parenting- probably a little more so than my husband even. I just don't believe in helicopter parenting, and a soft touch seems to work best anyway. I've probably had a much harder time seeing family and teachers come down on my son, because "he just doesn't care" or "he won't apply himself to anything". I try to explain it, but they just don't see that he cares very much to the point that it paralyzes him. They only hear the sour grapes at the end "Who cares, it doesn't matter". I don't think about whether it'd be better with kids or without, because that seems pointless and disrespectful.
If your kids are shouting at you in the heat of the moment, I wouldn't take it to heart. If they realize that they can wound you easily, then it becomes a regular weapon they're going to keep going back to. I'm sure we've all heard many variations..."I hate you", "I wish you weren't my mother", etc. I just told my son, "Well, you're stuck with me so too bad." and that would end the conversation, other than a dirty look on his part. Those remarks died down, along with the frequency of his meltdowns, when he hit his mid teens.

No diagnosis, but I've set the ball rolling to getting one. I'm clearly not NT.

How do you find being a mum as an Aspie?
Exhausting, frustrating and uplifting, not stressful as I'm a SAHM and working in an office environment was much more stressful, i.e. gave me sleepless nights and panic attacks.

Do you ever wonder if you made the right decision becoming a parent?
Not very often. Although my daughter is a lot of work, I can't imagine life without her and try to look on the positives. But, I only have one child, have been trying for another and kind of grateful that it hasn't happened. If I did have another, I might live to regret that.

If your child/ren are on the spectrum, does it make it even harder for you (personally), or easier and do you feel guilty that you "gave" your child/ren an ASC?
I don't feel guilty, partly because my daughter has inherited this from both sides (my husband is obviously broader autistic phenotype). The fact that my daughter is on the spectrum doesn't make it harder, it's the fact that she has a collection of traits that make life frustrating, e.g. the constant reminding/persuading/pushing she needs to do everything. It takes so much time out of my own time that I can feel a bit resentful at times. I know of other kids on the spectrum who are not like that at all and there are some NT kids who are a lot of work too, so I can't blame the Aspergers solely.

Do you ever feel that if you didn't love your child/ren so much you would escape off into the sunset!?
I could never be on my own. I never have. My husband is my rock. He does so much for me that I know I couldn't truly manage on my own. I also love him so much and feel that he deserves a great deal of respect, so I would never leave.

Are you the type of mum who gives parenting their all because you take the responsibility so seriously (and if so, is this an Aspie thing)?
Yes and no. I make sure my daughter has all the practical things she needs and go beyond what most other parents do, e.g. a really healthy diet, educational support to an extreme (we go on little fun 'field trips', to help with her learning), after school activities, family life revolving around her. I took her to a puppet show today and have booked her in for a couple of fun days at the local leisure centre. I don't know any mums who do as much with their kids or take their kids to as many organised activities as I do. She's not constantly being dragged off to classes, it's all stuff she wants to do and makes her and her daddy and I happy. But, when my husband is around, he takes the reins. I need to get away from her now and again. I often feel guilty that he doesn't seem to get a break - he comes in from work and our daughter consumes every moment, until she goes to bed.