Saying bad things

Post Reply New Topic

That is definitely an issue that affects us, Bombaloo. Thank you.

My son is just in such a rush to do...whatever. It is so hard to get him to stop and think, first. I will have to put forth more effort into making him mindful.

My son always resents any efforts I put in to steer him towards more civil speech. Anybody else get pushback like that? or are your kids more receptive to such coaching?

Oh we get pushback but this is something I won't give up on. When DS uses rude behavior, I tell him that his words were rude and that they hurt my feelings. Plus I usually tell him that people don't like to play with us when we use rude words and I offer a suggestion for a more polite way to say something. Wash, rinse, repeat. It hasn't stopped the behaviors but I see improvement. The other BIG thing I try to do as often as I can is praise him when he is polite. When he says thank you without being prompted, asks for something politely, responds promptly when asked a question, etc. Just anytime he uses good manners, and even on tougher days when he is neutral but at least not being grumpy, we praise. We also make a point to praise our other son (older NT) when he uses polite words and is considerate of others. Another point I try to make is to admit when I am feeling grumpy, frustrated, irritable, etc. Our kids need to know that those feelings are all perfectly normal, everyone feels that way sometimes, but we can have control over what we do when we feel that way so we aren't taking our bad moods out on other people.

Yes, we get pushback.

DS doesn't like being reminded he's different, doesn't like doing things different than the way he does them, and is incredibly frustrated with how speech can be interpreted multiple ways in general. It's just one of the things that goes along with parenting a child with special needs: he's being asked to do something he doesn't have the skills to do, and learning skills just sucks.

We do it as gently as we can, and we try to think about it from his perspective when he's frustrated. Easier said than done, and sometimes we lose our temper when he loses his...but gentle repetition and finding work-arounds eventually does work. (Sometimes, you get less pushback if you employ rewards, it kind of depends on where you want to expend those resources.)

Keep in mind, when DS was in this phase we didn't know about autism or how to deal with it, so we spent years yelling at him and punishing him and generally losing it. Five years, to be exact: five years with zero results.

Things are much better now.

My son is willing to rephrase what he says when asked, as the language does not make any difference to him. That is the part he doesn't understand. He doesn't get offended by rudeness, either. He just doesn't understand it is rude.

The only thing he gets mad about is when I tell him to use English instead of his special interest language. I solved it by saying he can use Japanese to say, "Thank You," "Please," or whatever, as long as he also says it English. I don't care if people think it is odd. I am teaching him that the point is for the other person to understand what he is saying. That is a first step.