Sudden rudeness & insolence

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She was 9. She had started a hormone induced mania and extreme anxiety bout and would breakdown because she couldnt control herself. Interestingly, it was during a miserable breakdown when she was sobbing about not understanding that I told her. She calmed from there, she will still sometimes let loose and 'blame' her asd and anxiety, but mostly it has assisted her in understanding that she cant expect herself to react to things the same way as other kids she knows, but also that all people have different challenges/gifts and its more about using your best options, not about conforming.

I had worried about telling her as she is one to give up trying and hide behind issues but with this it was heartbreaking watching her fight herself and punish herself for something that she ought to embrace and utilise to her best advantage.

I don't mean to be dismissive, but my son is around the same age and I see some of the same behaviour off and on and he is NT. He is being particularly defiant to me (his mother), demanding, tears when he doesn't get his way. Name calling, occasional violence etc. etc. So what I'm saying is this might not be caused by major trauma or distrust - but just being a little boy who is going through a defiant phase as he tries to gain more independence.

Yeah, some of this is normal kid stuff. My oldest (daughter, 12, NT) has done this off and on for years. I once got kicked in the stomach hard enough to knock me back a couple of feet over brushing her hair ("I can do it myself!! !" BAM!! !) when she was about 7.

But, if it's normal kid stuff, it's normal kid stuff that's being compounded by ASD stuff. Normal kid stuff being compounded by ASD stuff isn't fun-- for the kid, or for the parent. I was that angry kid-- for most of my childhood-- and I wonder, sometimes, how I got lucky enough that it wasn't worse and how my mom and dad and grandparents and other assorted relatives managed to live with me.

On the subject of disclosure-- I know that it's generally regarded as a bad idea. I know that the conventional wisdom is that it's best to wait for the kid to figure it out on their own, and then be there to confirm the conclusion and offer information. I know that's the tactic most parents take, and I know it's worked out well for a lot of people. I know, I know, I know.

I know, and I still don't agree. Disclosure wasn't an option for me or my folks-- there was nothing to disclose, there was no diagnosis for me to have, I was too mildly affected for anything like "classical autism" or "childhood schizophrenia" or any of the rest of those old mis-diagnoses, and the symptomology was wrong for what would at that point in time have been called ADD-Inattentive Type.

So disclosure wasn't an option-- there was no diagnosis to hide. But by the time I was 7, I knew something wasn't right. They knew something wasn't right-- I can't think of any other reason for all the times the doctor and the teachers and the school counselor told them how bright I was and that I'd "grow out of it" and "find my niche" and all that other happy crappy. I knew they knew something wasn't right, or at least knew that I thought I knew they knew...

...and it drove me NUTS. It was never far from my mind, it was a constant source of anxiety and frustration and angst and having something to prove. By the time I was a teenager, it seemed like "I am not a stupid girl" was every other phrase out of my mouth. My dad and I had screaming arguments (and he was the intelligent ASD parent who "got" me). The rest of them had, by that point, pretty much thrown up their hands and decided to love me and pray a lot or ridicule me and keep letting me hang around.

When I finally, at 19 or 20, got the name of the specific Thing That Was Wrong With Me...

...well, it wasn't great. It was, basically, "I've known I was broken for all these years, and now here's the proof. WAAAAHHHHH!" It wasn't great, but it was better than before. It was better than wondering. It was better than being able to "smell" the fact that something wasn't right, and everybody knew it, and nobody would say anything. It was better than all the euphemisms and all the silence.

I realise the initial post is about 2 weeks old, and this may have been resolved. Sorry for my late intrusion.

As this behaviour just suddenly started I would be of a mind to think that something has changed to prompt it. This change could be anything and anywhere. It could be only notional, with not practical effect. It could be an expectation rather than have already happened.

Children in general are not very good at identifying their emotions, the source of the influence and constructive expression. Kids who are AS obviously can have very low awareness. I am reminded of something someone told me years ago. A mother's young son killed a lizard and present the lizard impaled on a stick to her. Children can expressing themselves by more tangible means sometimes. A bit like how we offer greeting cards to express ourselves to each other. Here I believe the boy was angry. He killed the lizard as an expression of anger, and presented it to his mother because that is who he was angry with.

Of course, it is not always so simple. As EMTkid said earlier, those they see as supportive and none threatening often receive their expression when they are not the source. There can obviously be many causes for distressing behaviour, and I may be completely of the mark here. In your opening sentence “soon to be” is an impending change. It has the potential to effect him in a most profound area of his world. You are a part of the cause of this impending change. And possibly the safest person he can express it to.

We told my son when he was almost 9. He never felt he was different from other kids because we homeschooled and the social environment didn't make him feel different. He did feel different from the neighbor kids, but we said that could be because thy were schooled. My relationship with him was deteriorating, though. Anyway, we told him over time. I got a few books out of the library, including "All Cats Have Aspergers." He loves cute cats so he read it and liked it. Eventually I showed him Greenturtle's cartoon, let him identify with the characteristics, and then told him he has Aspergers. He loved the last comment, "I rock!" Then I referred back to the cat book and other things I had been mentioning.

So, we tried to be gradual and give him an idea of what Aspergers is and isn't before telling him he has it.

Thanks again for the feedback.

I know this could be typical behaviour for his age, as BuyerBeware said 'it's normal kid stuff that's being compounded by ASD stuff'. And no, it isn't fun.
I guess I freak out about it because it scares me, thinking, 'if he's acting like this now, how is he going to act when he's 12? Will he then kick me hard enough to get me in the ER?' Maybe I'm overreacting. But it is so damn clear that I am, according to him, 'the problem'. And, having a AS mind myself, I want to 'fix' it.

I had a talk with him yesterday, after the usual fight over getting his jacket on (which happens e-ver-ry day, even after numerous reminders about the rule regarding clothes: he can choose the shirt, I choose the pants and the jacket/sweater. I thought that was going to resolve this, boy was I wrong, but that's trivial in comparison to the overall problem). After the fight, when we got outside, he hugged me out of the blue. I said 'listen, I love you, and I know it's hard for you not to get angry. I know, because I was just like you when I was little. We are both a little different from most people'. Het then said 'yeah, we're smarter'. I said, 'yes, we are both much smarter than most people, we read faster, we draw better, we see and hear things other people don't even notice. But some things are harder for us. Like saying hello to people, or not getting angry when something upsets us. And that's ok, but we need to work on this, because it's not OK to yell in people's faces or to hit someone.'

He gets it. I know he does, because later, he said 'It's just too hard for me not to get angry. When I get angry, I get very angry, but then it goes away very fast. And then, you are still angry'. (True story, it does take me a while to calm down. I have hypersensitive senses). He also said 'I hate it when you tell me I'm angry. That takes me from angry to furious'. So I said, ok, in stead of saying 'I can see you're angry' (as advised, you know, labeling emotions in order to be able to regulate them), I'll say something else. He suggested I just say 'stop'. I'll try that.

Just know, before leaving with grandma, the same fight over the same darn jacket, I noticed, he kinda enjoys this. He's testing me, he's pushing my limits, and he laughed when I lost my patience. So here's another question for you experts: how can I regulate my own feelings in order not to lose my patience? Seems ironic, but we really are the same kind. I am a single mom, so I can't just go away for a while and leave daddy to manage it. I need to be supercalm if I want to tackle this.
Also, I use the iPad for leverage. I know it is generally a bad idea to use special interests as leverage, but there's nothing else. Positive reinforcement doens't work. I tried all the sticker/reward systems there are, and every time, he manages to find a flaw in the system, and obsesses over it. But even when I take the iPad away when he's hit me, it doesn't seem to work. He'll calm down, then asks for the iPad, and when I say 'you can't play on the iPad now because you just hit me', he gets angry again. And the next day, everything starts over. It's like cause and effect doesn't mean anything to him. Should I just stop trying to use these kind of reward/punishment systems?

As long as I don't let things like being embarrassed or afraid for them get into it (easier said than done, especially with the "afraid for them" part), I have pretty good luck regulating my own irritation, frustration, anger, and outright rage by remembering that it is a process, is in fact part of the process.

It's just part of the game. I don't get mad about the wind that blows and the rain that falls, and I don't get mad about kids testing their limits.

Of course, I am also the horrible mother who will, in the face of a great deal of conflict over wearing a coat, send my child to school/relatives/visiting/out to play without one. I might, if the child is small or immature, make sure a coat is going to be available at the given location (say, stuff one in a backpack or toss it in the car in case of breakdowns), but I'll let them get cold/get blisters from running in dress flats/whatever natural consequence (as long as it's not a danger to life or health-- I'll let them go to school coatless because the worst thing it's likely to do is facilitate catching a cold or losing a recess, but I will if necessary pin them to the floor WWF-style (but a bit more carefully) to make sure their teeth get brushed at least four or five nights a week).

I get a lot of judgment about this. Last year, I returned a few notes about absent snacks, forgotten folders, and absent coats and gloves to the kindergarten teacher with snappish comments about logical results, "you-fight-with-him-then," "what-would YOU-do," the necessity of self-reliance and personal responsibility, and et cetera. I had a kindergarten teacher who thought I was a lousy mother and a rotten human being...

...but she only lasted a year. She's a memory now. And I have a kid who puts on his coat, checks for his folder, and suggests that I might sew the gloves to the sleeves of his coats with long loops of yarn to keep them from getting lost. Now if I can just figure out how to win the battle of the socks (might have to give in on that one, and invest in 50 pounds of baking soda instead).

Thanks, BuyerBeware. I have send him out on sandals and in shorts on cold days, thought he might come the conclusion that it is too cold. He came home, slightly hypothermic and turned on the heat, but the next day, it was as if his mind had erased that experience and he wanted to wear sandals and shorts again. Maybe I should give in on it too. Life's too short to be arguing about shorts, I guess.

Any advice on the iPad / leverage / reward vs punishment thing?