Disappointed in support group I attended last night

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Often, when trying to set up a support group, therapists try to pair together people who will be a good match for one another. The aim is to prevent this sort of situation from happening.

First, you should know that you are not alone in this. There are many single parents of kids with ASD. In fact the divorce rates are higher among parents of kids with ASD than parents of neurotypical kids, who also have a pretty high divorce rate. Many of those parents you saw at your meeting might be in the same position as you in 10 years.

So what should you do now? I think it's good that you went out and tried to recruit some social support for yourself, and maybe this just means you need to be more selective in terms of support groups. Try to find one that has several (single) parents of teens. Alternatively, you may want to join a hobby group; some place where you can meet people who aren't all talking about ASDs the whole time. Maybe a break from that aspect of your life would be as helpful. The people that you meet in that sort of setting may still be supportive listeners too, but you won't feel the need to compare yourself to them, as your situations are completely different.

It's interesting that they even let you join. In my area the groups are broken down 0-10, teenagers ends at 17, then adults.

The bulk of participants are in the first group. Teen is much smaller, and adult group is mostly for families with LF adults. My husband wanted to join the adult group, and was told it is a vent group for care takers and a social group for their adult children.

The reason emails are discouraged is because the person running the group wants the dynamics to stay in the group, and not on the outside. This sounds like a structured, group therapy support group. When I went to groups like that, I never gave out my phone number or email. I didn't want outside buddies.

Now the Autism supports groups, I mentioned above are mostly social/vent type. They have a guest speaker or an outing. Its peer runned.

Sorry the group was such a bad fit.

It's interesting that they even let you join. In my area the groups are broken down 0-10, teenagers ends at 17, then adults.

The bulk of participants are in the first group. Teen is much smaller, and adult group is mostly for families with LF adults. My husband wanted to join the adult group, and was told it is a vent group for care takers and a social group for their adult children.

The reason emails are discouraged is because the person running the group wants the dynamics to stay in the group, and not on the outside. This sounds like a structured, group therapy support group. When I went to groups like that, I never gave out my phone number or email. I didn't want outside buddies.

Now the Autism supports groups, I mentioned above are mostly social/vent type. They have a guest speaker or an outing. Its peer runned.

Sorry the group was such a bad fit.

It's interesting that they even let you join. In my area the groups are broken down 0-10, teenagers ends at 17, then adults.

The bulk of participants are in the first group. Teen is much smaller, and adult group is mostly for families with LF adults. My husband wanted to join the adult group, and was told it is a vent group for care takers and a social group for their adult children.

The reason emails are discouraged is because the person running the group wants the dynamics to stay in the group, and not on the outside. This sounds like a structured, group therapy support group. When I went to groups like that, I never gave out my phone number or email. I didn't want outside buddies.

Now the Autism supports groups, I mentioned above are mostly social/vent type. They have a guest speaker or an outing. Its peer runned.

Sorry the group was such a bad fit.

I am so sorry to hear that this group didn't work out for you - I know in our case I never tried support groups because I didn't have the time and they didn't seem worth it to me - however I am the kind of person who is chatty and probably tends to overshare - as a result I discovered other parents at my work that also had kids on the spectrum - aged 25 to 3. We formed a 'lunch bunch' group and once a month went to lunch together and just vented. There were people who had not even gotten a diagnosis yet, but were in the process and people who had been diagnosed for years. It was a small group of about 6 and we really helped each other.

We met for about 4 years before the group fell apart, but I feel like it was time well spent. I am wondering if you couldn't do something similar at your work. After all there are a LOT of kids on the spectrum and there may be other parents who are struggling in the cube right next door.

If that isn't an option then please consider looking for a different support group - that can't be the only one around. It is important to find one that is a good fit or it may do more harm than good.

Good Luck and God Bless

Hi triplemoon, my wife and I found that parents of ASD kids might be going through the same things but they are equally stressed as us and struggle to make connections. Honestly I don't socialise or look for support from other parents with ASD kids (except here on WP).

If the issue is about support for you then why don't you join a single mother's group? you might find they have more in common with you and are likely to be compassionate about your situation than a group of couples.

That is actually not a bad idea. I have found that single mothers, no matter what their situation, usually feel a kindredship with one another. Personally, I find it easier to identify with the plight of other single mothers than I do with other parents of kids on the spectrum sometimes. I don't know why that is, but I do.

It's simply that single parent's (whether male or female) need support. Couples tend to provide each other support. Before getting married I had a friend who was a single father and he was member of a single father's support group. The level of support these guys had for each other was so impressive. No snob factor, it was very inclusive and these guys used to help each other out, many tradesmen, professionals etc all chipping in to help each other.

I'm sure it's going to be the same for single mum's groups. I have nothing but respect for single parents, it's a tough job bringing up a child on your own.

I don't know why people think that just because your kids are older they still don't need your support.

Your kids are your kids and they always will be.

if you feel that you need support they there ought to be a service for you.

Why should it matter to them how old your kids are?

f**k 'em that's what eye say.

Well...if he's contributing to your household financially, then that's a giant burden off you, one that single parents generally must carry while doing everything else. It does sound hard, your situation, but I always wince a little when I hear someone who's always had paycheck support saying "I know how it is" to a single mom.

cyberdad, most working single mums don't have time for support groups. Just getting to the grocery store and getting the kids ready for school and activities the next day while maintaining the house and the car is about all we can handle on top of work. I used to have a friend who'd get irritated at me because I wouldn't come out on a school night for a mom's night out, and just bring my daughter along. She couldn't understand that by the time I got home from work and my daughter got home from school and after-school care, the last thing anyone wanted was to rush out again, push homework off to another crowded night, and wind up coming home past bedtime so that the next morning would be groggy and difficult. She herself was married, used to pick up her son from school at 3, had had plenty of mommy-kid/relaxing-at-home time by 6 pm, and could leave her son with her husband while she went out.

What single moms need most is good families and compassionate married moms who have some give in their lives. Going to the desperate for help...you know, you get some practical tips, but the hungry can't feed you. I am deeply grateful to the moms who help me, including:

- the moms who'll be looking after my daughter when I travel for work next week;
- the moms who drive my daughter the mile home from school when it's frigid or pouring out;
- the moms who drive my daughter to Hebrew school at 3:30 pm, when I'm at work, even though I can't reciprocate;
- the moms who take her when the district announces a weather day at 7 pm the night before and I can't find a sitter but have to go to work;
- the moms who make it possible for her to participate in Girl Scouts...

there are a lot of married moms to thank. Single moms are generally much too strapped for time and money to be able to help very much, particularly on the spot.

I'm guessing from your profile that you are part of a wider extended community. Unfortunately not every single mom is as fortunate as you to have somebody in your community to look after your child, pick her up, do baby sitting. The OP sounded desperate and may benefit from access to a single mother's support group. However I take your point about single mother's not having time for support groups and you are correct. It's just a last resort.

Yes, that was part of my point. The other part: she needs to befriend people who do have room in their lives to help her, and who do have leisure to meet.

In my case, most of the helpful mothers come from kids' activities' group and my daughter's friends; in a few cases, from a religious community. I'm not good friends with any of the mothers, and I don't have time to socialize when moms generally get together. But they recognize the community need to help out, and they like my daughter.

Who is there who really understands? Honestly? Nobody much. If you can find a few such people online, that's a boon. But the first thing is getting enough practical help so that your child has all she needs, and you're free to go out sometimes with people who simply get you, even if they don't get your situation.

ETA: It took a really long time for me to learn to ask for this kind of help routinely. I hate doing it. But after a while I understood that even moms with lots of help do it routinely and think nothing of it -- also that the things I ask for are generally easy for other moms to handle. It's self-reinforcing, too, because the more they get to know my daughter, the more tied in she is to their networks, their help, and they take an interest in her. Often people disappear because the parents are so marginalized that they don't ask for help, and more fortunate families don't get curious enough to find out if so-and-so can use a hand.

triplemoon, is there a women's center near you, like a university women's center? I'm sure they're all quite different in character, but I've found our local one to be a tremendous help -- in single parenting, in dealing with mental illness in the family, in all kinds of things. The openness to all forms of diversity, and the strongly supportive/feminist nature of the place, have just been incredibly helpful when I've most needed them. I've also found respect there -- just the sense that I'm important and deserving of good treatment, and that what I do is important -- that I never expected and, sadly enough, have not encountered anywhere else.

I didn't want to draw attention to your community in my previous post but you are part of a religious in-group are you not? that's a big advantage over parents such as myself or the OP who do not have a religious/ethnic community to draw upon in times of need.

In my case my wife does not have any extended family where we live and she misses her brother and sister both of whom live overseas. So Asking for help from complete strangers is impractical.

Actually, I went 2 years without that financial support, so I know how hard it is...hence we are trying to find a way to cohabitate. And many single parents do still get financial support in the form of child support.

But I think it is important for people to understand that for the single parent, it is not just about lack of financial support (though some still receive that). It extends way beyond that, so I also wince a little when I hear of people who think that the main support a man should be providing is financial. I work 50 hours a week. That leaves far less time for parenting than my children need, and even less time for maintaining a suitable household. Some single parents live near family and friends who can/do help. But some of us do not have social supports in place. I would not say that lack of financial supports was any worse than lack of social supports.

I think people often do not fully appreciate the stress a single parent who has no support in non-financial areas (no family, friends, etc to help with childrearing) has that is directly related to a sense of partial failure as a parent because they simply do not have time to do the things they honestly believe in their heart need to be done. And there is no one to do it.

I do not think they see the stress a single parent has because you find yourself sleep deprived on a regular basis as you try to fill all roles and responsibilities on your own, and stretched so thin because you feel guilty to take any time for yourself because you already feel like you are not giving enough time to your kids. You can't just drop your kids off at your moms and have an hour to yourself.

I do not think that people understand the stress of knowing that if something goes wrong or goes bad, it's all on you. There are no family members to call. No friends. It's just you. You have no where to turn. Important meeting at work, but your kid is sick? If you have no support, it could be the most important meeting in the world and you are going to have to miss it.

The life of a single parent without support is one of incredibly delicate balance. A balance that is carefully created and hard to maintain. When one thing goes out of whack, the entire system that you have set up to keep all of your balls in the air, crashes. That was actually what was probably most stressful for me...knowing that it could crash at any moment. And realizing how much work it takes to get things back to running smoothly again. I often felt exhausted just anticipating what would happen next. Add neuroatypical kids to the mix and it's quite a feat. So, never underestimate the difficulty of being a single parent without support, even if the other parent is paying childsupport. It's not just a financial strain. It's a life strain.

I have been many kinds of "mother." A stay at home mom, a work at home mom, a mom who works part time, a mom who works full time, a mom who works full time with a 2 hour commute, and a single mom.

Single mom is the hardest and single mom with no financial support was harder still. And I think single mom with no family/friends nearby to help was hardest of all.

But single mom is the hardest. Which is why I think single parents band together no matter what type they are. I found that my single mom friends who had family support in the area were much more cognizant of how difficult it was for me, than my friends with NT kids have ever been about the challenges of raising non-NT kids.