Hey, xiaoqi, don't know if this helps any, but I used to and still continue to have some of those problems with always wanting to be "first" or "best" at something.
When I was a few years younger, I would do absolutely nothing in school because I thought I wasn't intelligent enough to accomplish the tasks at hand. For me, it took getting to a college where I could pick-and-choose courses on my own time and interests to be able to look at my work and say "hey, I do have to spend five times more time on X than than the rest of my class, but I finished with an A because I cared enough to try my best". Sounds corny and it may be, but there is some serious gratification to be gained from giving it your all on something you know you struggle with, and still finishing in good ranks. Not the best, not #1, but there's always more space on the proverbial ladder to climb.
I am extremely competitive, and a few years ago, whenever I wasn't 100% perfect at anything, I would cry for hours completely against my will (it would just happen suddenly) and be quite depressed for days at a time. I learned that sometimes I'd have to take what I wasn't good at into my own hands, away from everyone else, and practice until I was above the level of everyone around me. The only time I'd get hurt or frustrated was when someone else could see my "failures", because I always thought they were thinking I was a complete fool, especially when I would cry. This only fed into the extreme need to be perfect, to "prove" myself worthy.
I think what truly helped me was turning everything into a game and challenge I could understand and cope with. The negative routes in ones mind have to be turned into positive experiences, somehow. All of my hardships I overcame became tokens I won over, little badges to collect. Being first above everyone became something I didn't necessarily need, and my attitude and drive to be my best and always get better became my "first".
I guess what I'm saying is that for me, I completely bombed through ALL of my primary schooling. Elementary, Middle School, High School... everything was 60's, 50's, 40's, with the only A's being in Art and English. This was due to the fact of my need for absolute "perfection" or nothing else. In College I've been at a 4.0 for all of the two+ years I've been here, even in classes I wasn't perfect or the best at, because I knew that if I could just keep my A, even if I wasn't "the best", I knew I had kept to my own standards. Because I knew I could earn them. I still feel gross when I don't get the highest grade or an A+ on an exam, but it only motivates me to do better the next time. The positive motivations are key, I believe.
ugh, I apologize for the lengthiness. I hope it provides some useful insight into the mind of a recovering Absolute Perfectionist. I just really feel for your kid, because I've "been there, done that", and it truly does feel awful. It may just be a phase for him, and hopefully he'll be able to break through earlier than I was. You seem to be very willing to understand and help him, so I'm hoping the process will be more fluid than mine was! I know you probably already do this, but if he feels inadequate, try to incorporate things he's great at with things he struggles with. It may help relieve some of the "rigidity" if he realizes there are subtly different mental pathways in which he can accomplish things in. Also, the rush of accomplishment, even if imperfect, could prove useful. An established regimen of small accomplishments could prove useful in branching out to broader, imperfect (but still good) accomplishments like completing necessary coursework and life-issues.
26 Feb 2014, 9:23 am
