My Folks Are Always Wanting Me Out...

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I am not saying do it (in fact, you probably shouldn't) but it would be an interesting thought experiment if you told her you wished she would move out, too, because she is always bugging you about about moving and it is hurtful.

I really do not think she is in a position to criticize.

Lauren is a fiercely independent woman, not afraid in the slightest of being by herself. In that regard, we are total opposites.

She's been talking about visiting different places for over a decade, but changes her mind at least once a month. I believe that if it wasn't for Mom needing her help, she'd have left the moment she turned 18.

To be honest, I have very little desire to be away from my immediate family, and the only ones in it are my Mom and sister. My dad left before I was born, and all my extended relatives have either moved or passed away. I don't think either one of them understands why I disagree so strongly with the accepted norm of kids leaving after high school. The one time I willingly left on my own was to chase after an old girlfriend, and when that ended, I moved back home. That was almost nine years ago, and I've been back home with my folks this time since 2011.

That's just it: I find the notion of being separated from my family appalling...especially my mother. My thoughts and emotions go crazy, and I worry about her well-being when I'm not there. She's not sick or anything, but I've been a "mama's boy" for a long time. The only times things become difficult are when employment or moving are discussed, because deep down, I think they want it more for their own benefit than mine. My mother denies this, but my sister would probably agree with me if I asked her.

I have spoken to her on different occasions, but she doesn't seem to care. Lauren's not cruel by any means, but she's extremely set in her ways. Once she's decided on something, talking her out of it is nearly impossible.

Me either, but she does it anyway. The main difference is that she actually wants to live apart from me and Mom, but I don't.

One of the things that many parents of kids with ASDs get very upset about is the issue of what happens if/when I die? Who will take care of them? I'm sure that's part of your mother's thought process, or at least the general concept that the system that seems to be working for the three of you now will not last indefinitely. Your sister will want her own life, with a romantic partner, and possibly a family, and will probably want to live separately from you and your mother..which probably has to do with her side of the pushing. And in the best case scenario, your mom will die before you do.

So what are you going to do then? The reality of having to fend for yourself is very likely going to happen, and it is just a matter of when and how you approach it. It can be slowly, with ongoing support from your family. Or it can be suddenly, when your sister decides to move out of state, and then your mother dies two years later (obviously this is one of many possible scenarios, but it's just to illustrate the point). It seems like your family is trying to push you towards social growth and autonomy. Those are both great goals for anyone. Maybe they go about it in a way that is upsetting, but they see it as necessary, and if it is possible for you to grow in those ways, I'm inclined to agree with them.

It seems like you are comfortable and you don't understand why your mother and sister want to ruin your comfort. My response is that discomfort is a part of healthy growth. It doesn't have to be traumatic. You don't need to go from no work, to a full-time job in one day. You also don't need to suddenly become the life of the party. Still, it would probably be helpful for you to at least make progress towards those types of goals. Maybe you could take on a part-time job once or twice a week. Maybe you could try to meet some people around some sort of special interest hobby?

This is just a guess, but is social anxiety a part of why you are staying away from other people? What about depression or other anxiety? I'm pointing those out because AS can make a person socially incompetent, but those other issues are the sorts of things that make people stop trying. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help a lot with either of those, and if you think you have either an issue with anxiety or depression, I would highly recommend that, maybe as a first step toward getting yourself more independent.

It sounds like your family is just worried about you, because they see that they will not always be there for you, and they want you to start proving to yourself and them that you will be able to handle it when that time comes.

Do you like animals? Perhaps you could look into getting a therapy dog. Apartments are required to allow therapy animals, and then you could have your own place without being alone.

Emile, what happens to those who in the end are unable to take care and support themselves?

I know that's part of it, but one thing that I've felt in the core of my being is that I'm somehow different from the rest of the world, to the point that I shouldn't always be held to the same standards. Most would probably see that as an ego trip, but that's not my intent at all. I can;t shake this feeling that I'm somehow different on a massive scale, but those closest to me keep trying to put me in the "socially acceptable" box. I've seen what taking a job you hate and spending tons of time around people you can't stand has done to my mother, and I don't want to live her life. She hardly ever mentions working in the context of doing something I love, but more of what I can tolerate or "put up with". When i say that will never be what i want, she insists it would only be temporary, but her experiences weren't. I don't recall my Mom ever having one job in my lifetime that she ever looked forward to every day.

No offense, but stuff like this often reminds me of the phrase, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". Mom kicked me out against my will after a verbal fight in 2001, sending me to a homeless shelter because she couldn't deal with me and also helping my sister battle cancer. She's apologized once or twice since then, but I still feel a deep-rooted anger over it. I don't let it out because I know its not right to condemn others, but I haven't been able to make it go away, either. When I wound up in that shelter, I felt like an orphan; my only refuge was that my cousin Jared was willing to protect me a bit inside that place. When I left, I swore to myself I'd rather die than go back...literally. I feel like those who are supposed to take care of me have often sought to throw me away like garbage, whenever a situation comes along they don't know how to handle.

A doctor once diagnosed me with social anxiety many years ago, but we never went back to him. I can do normal things like go shopping or visit a movie theater, so being around lots of people isn't the problem. What bothers me most is no matter how much I rage, scream, or cry to release the stress, these painful emotions won't leave me alone.

My mother sometimes speaks of work giving someone joy, but to me, its just a means to an end. I've had a few jobs in the past, but never got any true satisfaction from them. People have asked what I'd like to do, but I'm so indecisive I have no firm answer for them...and that's frustrating. All I know is I'm tired of pain, be it relational, social, physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. I'm sick of people expecting things of me I don't know how to give, then reacting harshly when I try to explain.

I think that's the problem here. Like I said, I agree with the general goals that they may have...but how someone communicates that to you is important. It can be hurtful if it's not done well. When I've been in that sort of situation, it often made me want to shut down, and even intentionally refuse to do things that I knew would benefit me, just to spite the people who were causing me pain.

So if you want a judgment call on whether your mother was right to kick you out and let you be homeless, or whether verbal abuse is ever called for, then I definitely judge in your favor. But if you want advice on how to fix things going forward, I'd recommend that even though it is upsetting and painful, it may be a good idea to meet them half way. Take small steps towards independence, if only to spare yourself the shock of having it forced on you all of a sudden one day.

If you can articulate to them a plan, whereby you'd be taking small steps that eventually get you there, then that may help. Maybe you can even turn around the dynamic from being critical to being helpful and supportive of you. It is not realistic or fair to them to expect your mother and sister to always live with you and provide for you, just because it is what makes you comfortable. Especially if you are capable of changing things so that this is not the case. So my advice is start making those changes slowly. Take a job, even if you dislike it. You may not find joy in it, but find a way to tolerate it anyhow, just so you know you can.

When their relatives are gone, the will do the sh***y experience of the government caring for you.

I live in an social country with rather good governmental care, but still I´d avoid that by all means. The moment I am depending on other people, the moment other people are forced to be automatically involved in my life, what I do not want.

I think its less about norms, but simply that you want to enable your kids to do their desicions and life choices free and independent from negative influences as anxieties and so on. As well that its simply a fact, that everybody dies, and that parents much likely will die before their kids.

You already mentioned to have been homeless once, and how sh***y it was. The satisfaction of having a job is simply about nothing else, that having a job is less sh***y, then being homeless. The reason I work is that I need electricity, food, a warm radiator in winter, and that I like to engage in my hobbies. And without working, that does not work, and living that way would be shittier then living with work is sh***y. ^^

exactly...I know there are people who can't care for themselves at all, and I believe there should be government programs to help them out, and there are. The problem is that the quality of those programs varies a lot, and some can be very miserable experiences, potentially more so than being homeless. That's why I don't wish it on others, especially those who have the capability to stay out of that situation.

There is also something to be said for having autonomy and control over one's life. It's a part of the concept of "quality of life" for a reason: ultimately we all benefit from being in control of our own lives to the greatest extent possible. As schneekugel pointed out, part of that means providing for yourself if you are able.

Even if a public housing or institutional program is necessary; having a part time job or being able to partly care for oneself makes a big difference in the sorts of placements available. Again, I would encourage people to try to qualify for the ones that grant the highest autonomy, for their own good.

Unfortunately, the availability of government programs to help also varies quite a lot. Some areas just do not have services for adults on the spectrum, or limit the number of days you can be housed in a shelter. In areas where many homeless congregate, sometimes the local solution is to buy them bus tickets and tell them to leave town. These problems get worse as state and municipal budgets shrink or are overwhelmed by school and pension problems.

It's important to collect as many independent living skills and supports as you can.

I think at some point it is important to understand that a mother is also a human being with needs and wants that ache for fulfillment outside of being simply a mother. And sometimes kids, especially grown kids, can get in the way of that in MANY ways, especially when it comes to matters of privacy, finances, etc. Parents understand they must make sacrifices, and it sounds like your mother continues to do so, and in the process makes her fair share of mistakes. I think it is very hard for you to see anything than your own perspective, which can be your autism or perhaps something else. Teenagers often have this same "my parents owe me" attitude, but eventually grow out of it when they move onto the phase of their lives of self sufficiency, and then later on realize and value their parents more as full human beings, especially when they start raising kids of their own. I know that even though I love my kids and would take a bullet for them, it doesn't mean I secretly can't wait for the day when I get most of my "pre-kid" life/freedom back. That in no way negates my love and commitment to them. But if my overgrown son were simply CHOOSING to do nothing because he COULD, well, that's a different matter entirely. At that point it would be time for me to practice some tough love.

The thing that is different about this scenario than the typical one, is that the OP's sister seems welcome to stay and he does not feel welcome. In particular, his sister who has all sorts of dreams of independence is especially making him feel that way, although she cannot apparently afford her own independence.

It seems like his sister is acting more independent than she is, and that is sending mixed messages. His mother does not appear to be able to live on her own either. His sister and mother have a symbiotic relationship, (I am inferring based on what was written) and his inputs into the household are being minimized.

So, there is either more going on here, or I am misinterpreting, but I can see why this situation would be especially hurtful.

Edited to add:

I am not saying the OP does not have to prepare for when he can no longer live at home. What I am saying, I guess, is that his mother and sister appear financially co-dependent and therefore are not modeling the desired behavior for the OP. It appears to be a double standard, where it is OK for them to be less than independent, but not for him.

Maybe his sister wants him out so that when their mom passes away she can get the house.

I also think it's odd that his sister is supposedly "normal" and yet at 30 still lives at home, is not married, no boy/girlfriend, no kids. The need to look after his mom doesn't fully explain things, imho.
Perhaps his sister focuses her attention on his situation to avoid shining a light on her own issues.

^^^^THIS


I was thinking that it is either projection " to avoid shining a light on her own issues" as you say, or she wants more resources available for herself, whether it be money, house space, time (if she is expected to help the OP) or whatever.

OP, you mention your sister has battled cancer. Someone I know also went through that and said the first thing they wanted to do when they went into remission was travel and experience everything they almost missed out on. After near death experiences or serious illness, people tend to look at their life and want to make big changes. I think your sister may be staying to help out your mum who supported her through the cancer, but letting you know she's gone once your mum doesn't need her anymore. I'm not sure from your posts how your mum feels about it all, but your sister is clearly saying that the current arrangement is not working for her and she will take steps to change it.
You could look at this as an opportunity to step up and provide your mum with some of the support your sister currently does. This would allow her to leave and know that the two of you would look after each other.

For the record, my mother is actually on my sister's side of the issue more often than not; she's just less bold about it. They both see "independence" as something I should be going after, and are frustrated when I try explaining that's not what I want. Mom's even said to me, "I know you want to get married someday, but women don't like things that don't work, and that includes men." I've tried telling her my current goal would be to stay at home until I got married someday, but she balks at that. Her impression seems to be that I'll always be there until someone else wants to take care of me, and has asked whether that bothers me. My usual reply has been, "Sometimes, but it still beats being alone."

Both of them have even spoke of leaving on their own someday, if I staunchly refused to move. To me, that's no better than leaving me at the shelter all those years ago. I used to speak up about this with them all the time, but we had so many fights about "this is what grown men do" that keeping quiet became much easier.