Worried b/c my 11-yr old has a negative self-image

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There's a way in which I don't disagree with this, but I would put it a little more gently: for a long time, I didn't have the tools as a parent to offer my son what he needed. He knew that my expectations of him were too high, and he was helpless.

It is hard to adjust your expectations appropriately for a child who is years behind in some ways and years ahead in others...and as parents we tend to set our expectation high. It can take a lot of research and detective work to figure out how to appropriately set your expectations for your particular child, and after that it can take a while for your child to understand that you've done that.

Lots of people talk about "having high expectations" of special needs kids, and I think that language isn't helpful. What they mean is that you should set lofty goals - but you still have to meet them where they are to get started.

This is a great question... I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. I am struggling with correcting my boy too much to the point where I see myself becoming badgering and I see him growing anxious at my efforts to "help". I have trouble prioritizing when I'm really the only one working with him and I'm with him all day. There is an "opportunity for learning" pretty much every other minute and it's hard to know when to let things go and when to press an issue. We often fall into oppositional roles and I hate it.
So yes, I'd like to know how to this too- how to correct behaviours consistently so that it is useful, without making him feel like he is a total screw up all the time and me feel like an overbearing meanie . And if you do prioritize certain issues over others, how do you keep those others issues from driving you nuts and/or spiralling out of acceptable bounds? Ok...no hijack here. I'd be happy if you just answered the OP's question above...

Every child can be so different on the Spectrum that it's very hard sometimes not to disagree with parental posts as our journeys however similar are all so different. There are some comments in here that alarmed me a little specifically around the notion of telling the child there is something wrong with them and destroying/hiding themselves.

Firstly, as far as I am concerned there is nothing wrong with them, it is just a difference. In my sons case I've been able to explain the science in detail which helps, but it is simply a difference in the way the brain is wired. It means they see the world in a different way and as such some people won't understand them as they won't always understand our kids. We can argue about semantics I guess but that's my perspective. The truth is given to them and they can get their heads around it in their own time with our support.

In terms of being themselves yes they have to modify their behaviours to try and fit societies norms, but we all do. Good manners, obeying the law etc. Beyond that I say to my son that he should always be proud of who he is and feel no shame about being ASD. However, I say to him that whilst he should be himself he sometimes needs to "turn the volume down". Sometimes that is literal, but mostly figurative. For him, he got that. To a large degree that has worked, now he has found Social Media we are having the same discussion but he's finding it a bit harder not to go OTT at times and it has already landed him in trouble with an exclusion. We are getting there though.

He has friends and some new ones at that and they are getting used to his differences. In fact it is the first time we've not needed to help with new friends bar us over hearing the odd thing. He is happy, no proud, to tell people he has Aspergers and the friends are at an age they can understand to a point and make allowances. I'm so proud I'm feeling emotional typing this having witnessed so many tears and tantrums over friendship in the past. There will be tears in the future, I know, but he has come such a long way.

It's also worth noting we pushed the school to run some ASD awareness sessions a few years back which helped in general. Also in the UK there seems to be much more awareness of disability as a whole with Paralympic athletes especially revered in many cases as much as able bodied ones. There also seems to be far less stigma around being Autistic here in the UK and whilst there are always jerks and bullies there are not many drivers to hide his autistic status.

I realise we all live in different worlds and we just deal with it accordingly. However there are no absolutes around what must or must not happen in terms of your child's development. The world is changing so fast and I foresee it won't be long before he can freely aim for any goal like anyone else with no one else stopping him and with all the joys and disappointments that may bring.

I wish you all well.

LOL, isn't that the issue? I wish I had an answer other than "do your best." I remember, back when DS was watching PBS kids (so, a long time ago.) there was a commercial that showed a Mom in a totally chaotic kitchen, trying to manage homework, dinner, phones ringing and husband being late all at once, and she pulls a burnt chicken out of the oven and totally loses it. Then they showed the same situation, and the Mom, when she pulls the chicken out of the oven, looks at it, laughs, makes a joke and calls for takeout. There was some narrative about "isn't the second Mom better..." I used to HATE that second Mom. I wanted to do that, but I couldn't.

We're doing pretty well now, (so please don't think from my recent posts that everything is lollipops and roses) but DS still drives me nuts and we still have occasional screaming fights over things that in retrospect could have been handled gracefully - for instance, him tuning me out is not resolved by me having a temper tantrum, but generally that's how it goes in real life. Often, he's doing better than I am...sigh...but in the big picture, having better tools has made things better. I'm also seeing a therapist who specializes in ADHD...we both agree I probably have autism, but the places where I'm struggling most are the ADHD overlap bits - those are what make me explode. I think it is really important to my son that he knows I am fighting to be better.

We're all human. Kids on the spectrum are exceptionally challenging and difficult to parent: it takes volumes of research, time, effort, trial and error - on a good day - here are some things I think about:

1) Is this a skill he will need as an adult (I stopped worrying about tying shoelaces, lining up in alphabetical order, not picking things up when in a store, sitting on a chair "properly" etc.)
2.) Is this a skill that he will learn more easily with physical and emotional development (keeping track of & doing homework independently, tidying his room, clumsiness, etc.)
3.) Does he have all the tools he needs to do whatever it is? (For instance, we had to try a number of different strategies for room-cleaning until he found one that worked...still not perfect, but better.)
4.) Would I be as irritated at a younger child doing whatever is annoying me at the moment (gauging your expectations by what you expect from younger children can often be a helpful way to reset.)
5) Is this an issue that will annoy me to the point of being irrational, and should I hand it off to DH?
6) Our golden rule: practice makes improvement. Perfection is not an attainable goal, make sure you have let that go.

Lastly, remember you are being asked to do parenting ninjitsu without any warning or real preparation and only little snippets of support. See if you can find a parent who has one NT kid and one AS kid to talk to: that helped me gain a lot of perspective.

Do the best you can.

momsparky has a pretty good list of criteria there. The question I tend to ask myself about my own behaviors is, "Is this really a problem, or merely a little irritating??"

EVERYONE has irritating behaviors; NTs just have COMMON irritating behaviors that are likely to be overlooked because, well, they're COMMON. No matter the sales pitch being promoted these days, there is no such thing as a perfect person, devoid of tics and quirks and irritating habits. Nor should there be-- try being one, you'll go nuts.

My husband-- habitually yells, always sounds angry, shakes his leg so hard I get seasick sitting on the porch with him. These, of course, are common quirks, more acceptable than my tendency to sway in my seat or take 50 words to say what can be said in 20. But-- how important is it really??

You might try making a very long list of all the behaviors you would like to see change, and how. Write everything down, no matter how trifling. Do this privately, without the kid.

The run the list through the above list of questions, and get rid of HALF of it. Half the list has to go-- if the above list doesn't get rid of 50% of that list, then pick the things that are the smallest problems. At home, those things don't have to be praised as wonderful and right and good-- but they do have to be overlooked.

Now you take the list you have left, and pick the half (25% of the original list) that create the biggest functional issues and/or the most irritation for the family. Take THAT list to the kid, and pick together a certain number of issues (I'd recommend five or less, and the bigger and more pervasive the issue, the less I'd pick) that you are going to work on NOW.

When those are consistently better (and no longer a source of massive stress or huge expenditure of effort for him to accomplish), pick that many more. Look at it, not so much as "fixing," (even though that's what I'm typing, because my OS and/or browser really hates text files and less characters are better), but more as "learning and growing."

Repeat (teach him to repeat) "Nobody grows up all at once, and it doesn't have to be done by 18. Rome was not built in a day."

Your comment (about a low frustration tolerance + giving up) applied to me when I was young (and still applies to me as an adult, albeit to a lesser extent).

I have no idea how to teach perseverance. For me, I have a history of quitting things, particularly when I do not see a path to success. It probably has something to do with inflexible thinking.

As I think about it, one thing that helped me (as least as an adult) was having a mentor at work. These mentors helped me navigate the complexities of work and were looking out for my best interest and advising me how to move forward. I wonder if there?s such a thing as a mentor for children.

I learned frustration tolerance from watching my father persevere through low frustration tolerance.

I never learned not to get frustrated; neither did he. He learned to get frustrated, slam his tool on the ground, throw his hat, yell "son-of-a-bitch!", smoke a joint, and try again. I learned to get frustrated, mutter "Goddamn it, Alan," laugh at myself, smoke a cigarette, and try again.

The mistake people make in teaching frustration tolerance lies in trying to teach the person not to become, or not to display, frustration. You will never get there. EVER.

The better bet is to find relatively non-violent, non-threatening, non-destructive ways of displaying frustration (personally, I find something satisfying in the use of profanity, but I realize that's not acceptable to everyone) and learn to keep working through frustration.

Frustration never goes away. Being totally defeated by it does.

Thank you for this- you have wonderful insight.
I have a list of things a mile long (including frustration tolerance and perserverance) that I know I will need to teach my son but that I have never gotten a hold of myself. What you said here is so helpful.

I always had huge amounts of frustration tolerance.
I will persevere through anything to get what I want.
It cannot be stopped.
I am not sure about teaching it, but I often think of myself as the monster in horror movies that always rises up to get you when you think you have eliminated it.