What do you think of the autism mom blog controversy here?

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Without reading everything ...

My general philosophy is that people NEED to vent. It is a healthy way of releasing negative feelings, for the most part. Some people misuse it but, for the most part, I think even somewhat negative blogs are benign things.

The problem with the internet is that it allows people who would never have been in the same room to hear someone else's venting. Venting is usually meant for a limited, sympathetic audience that already knows the vent isn't the full story, and inherently understands the purpose to the vent. All of the sudden, on the internet, people who should have stayed in another room are hearing what is being said.

To the extent a blogger is extreme, there is an issue. But most of the one's I've read simply want people to understand the daily struggles so that they won't be so harsh towards the family when the child, for example, melts down in public. They include words that make it clear to me, at least, how much they love their child and would not trade them for anything. Any half-way intelligent reader should come away realizing that, oh, there must be positives, too, that somehow make everything worthwhile.

I would never try to silence anyone, and I avoid roaming into rooms where I might not like the conversation. Sometimes I go in, anyway, just to be sure I can provide some alternative views if necessary. But I prefer to do it gently, as a reminder. Some of our members are effective at doing just that, keeping perspective around the internet as others vent more negative concerns. Some of our members are actually counterproductive, going in combative and off-putting, which will actually enforce negative images. They've gotten to vent as they need to in that situation, but they haven't helped the cause.

Long run, we can debate all we want and nothing will change, because we cherish the concept of free speech. Just ... be careful how and when you confront someone else who has their own issues to worry about.

DW, this is off topic, but I like your new avatar. I'm assuming it's a drawing of you. Who did it?

I tried to get my much younger autistic friend (he is 18) to do his own laundry. I ended up doing it for him because he resisted, and he was developing sores on his body. I did it for him for nine months, as i feared for his well-being.

I finally got him to do it.

The 45 second ordeal of placing his clothes inside of the machine resulted in physical shaking and a suicide attempt the next day. By the time all was said and done, the central and east end divisions of the police in the city i live in had been mobilized.

I will add that i cooked for him as well, as i honestly wondered if he'd get sick if i didn't.

What did i learn?

If a parent of a child with autism goes on a crazy, evil sounding rant, i won't assume they're a bad person.
Bluntly, i don't know how any of you can do it.

I think any and all reactions are reasonable.

I think the controversy is irrelevant.

It's just an us vs them thing? Autistic individuals who are tired of being lambasted, and wish to have self-esteem about the upsides of their condition VS parents of autistic individuals who's sanity has been sanded away, bit by bit.

Sometimes things are just f***ed up.

I used to be interested in wading into it.

It's probably just stressed out people freaking out. The arguments between individuals i've read could just as easily have taken place at the dive bar my one buddy likes to drag me too.

The answer is hugs.

I've concluded the circular, paradoxical debate.

I've been on both sides. It's just a war of attrition as far as i can tell. Maybe it's not a bad thing. Some of you mentioned stress-relief as a possible benefit.

My opinion is a 'grunting noise'.

I can't read most of that stuff anyway. Some of the venting is so filled with suffering that it makes me feel ill.

-LeLetch, 27yo, autism, diagnosed

I don't think ANYONE can truly understand what it's like to parent unless they've parented themselves. I think I had a little better idea than some because I'm a lot older than my brother and did some 'parenting' and I think anyone who's had that kind of experience will understand a little better - but that understanding isn't complete.

Parenting is hard. Parenting is tiring. I only have one kid who's NT and while he has some developmental issues and personality quirks (like never tiring!! !) that make my challenges different from some other people's I'm not sure he's really any harder than most kids. He was a much more difficult baby than some and much less than others. Did I moan about it? I did. I feel no guilt about that.

OOMom I had a look at the original thread that I think you are referring to and I think you did a good defense of the exhaustion and stress of parenting, but I fear that because most people's lack of direct parenting experience plus the unique qualities of autism and focus on self and lack of theory of mind, most people reading your defense won't get it.

I've seen a few autism mommy blogs and yes people do complain and vent their fears, etc. It's absolutely their right to do so. People complain and moan about kids without autism. In fact, I think - sadly - it's more acceptable for people to moan about their 'normal' kids than kids with special needs. I think the burden of expecting these parents to relentlessly cheerful and appreciative could be crushing. I'd find it so.

I think to the complaints that these parents aren't thinking about the way the children are suffering is brutal and so, so wrong. As a parent, I acutely feel any suffering my son has. If I write a blog post about the trials of parenting, I might not mention how my son might be feeling - blog posts are random samples of thoughts and lives - but it doesn't mean I don't think about it. I think this complaint in particular shows the effect of lack of ToM.

My answer isn't going to be an easy fill-in-the-box answer. There's nothing wrong with being stressed form the difficulties of parenting an autistic child, and there's nothing wrong with writing about it as long as you don't violate the dignity of that child by insinuating they were someone they aren't. The only ones who really bother me are the ones who a) are anti-vaccine b) accuse any autistic people who disagree of being too high-functioning/barely autistic/not really autistic c) give personally identifiable information about their child without his/her consent (this includes names, location, pictures, etc.) and/or d) consistently paint autism as the worst tragedy ever.

They have a right to express their beliefs, but indoctrinating a child with that mindset, rather than showing them that it's a set of challenges and strengths and personality qualities will only serve to dim their hope and inhibit their sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

I especially agree with PlainsAspie about posting identifiable information about your child, especially if you are ranting about how difficult you find parenting that child. The child could stumble upon these blog posts later and be really hurt by them. But, even if you are writing about how awesome your autistic child is, I think the child should choose whether or not they want to disclose personal information about themselves.

I don't have an issue with people getting out their feelings. But, if you choose blogging as a platform, you *are* trying to draw some attention, otherwise you would keep it in your diary. I don't have an issue with this either, but take measures so that your kid can't be identified or be hurt by the blog.

Thanks! It was done long ago and far away by an artist at a trade show - I have no idea who it was (it is signed by the company that hired the artist, not the artist), but I've always thought it was fun, and other than aging I don't think my prominent features have changed much so, yeah, it is me. I needed something less pixelated when the forum was changed, because my old avatar (which I had done myself in MS Paint, somewhat based on this cartoon) couldn't hold up to the increased definition. Remember those first few weeks when our avatars were like two inches?

I wonder if some get the idea that since it's done in their own home, it's private. In reality, it's not comparable to venting to your best friend, it's more like repeatedly shouting over the loudspeaker at a crowded mall, except the audience is even larger.