My sons friend ... need some advice

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Who is the birth mother? Your partner or the girlfriend? Whichever one is the birth mother, I think you and her need to discuss this and come to a unified agreement on how to handle the situation. If the decision is to have a talk with the other child's parent(s) you both should go together and discuss it.

If you both decide to confront the other parent(s), you both need to be willing and prepared to except the worst case scenario as a possible out come.

No matter what the situation, it is always better for both parents of a child to stand together otherwise a child will use your disagreement on an issue to his/her advantage.

I wish you and your son's mom the best on this

I am firmly in the, "my house, my rules" camp. I never had a problem with it; the kids knew that if they wanted to come to our house, or go on outings with us, it had to be done my way. Every family has different priorities and kids know that. Of course, you have to allow for a little slip up, since your rules aren't going to be as familiar to the guests but, still, it isn't like I kept my mouth shut about my rules.

I never talked to other parents about their children's behavior; I just got their children to follow my rules when with me. It isn't like you are going to get any positive results complaining to another parent about their parenting; you aren't.

I never worried about "influence" on my children for a number of reasons. First, as I often pointed out to my kids, just because your friend does it does not mean you can. Second, if there was a child I was less than enthusiastic about, I made sure the play dates were at our house, so I could control the rules. Third, trying to block kids from a friendship pretty much never works, and will backfire on you. I found it much more effective to simply quietly control the situation by picking locations and activities that met my goals.