step son has autism, mother is doing nothing!!

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I didn't see anything evil, just someone trying to make he point that this OP who is a stepmom isn't messed up for wanting to have rules and structure that create what seems to her a good home for herself, her husband, his child, and any other household members. Also I got the impression she is supporting the priorities the child's father has.

"I don't like my husband's ex, and their kid is fat."
There, that's the short version of what you said.
Your husband can't even be bothered to live in the same state as his son, so....yeah.

I would agree with you, but for that one phrase "she has a right to expect the kid to stop or not visit all together." That sentiment is evil, as I understand it.

Huh...I feel like we are not even reading the same post.

What I read is "my husband's ex is not taking care of their kid. The therapist has expressed concerns about it. What are we supposed to do?"

It is possible that the family originally lived in NJ and the mom moved to be closer to her family (or whatever) and the father cannot afford child support if he moves to OH. My point is, we don't have a lot of information, so judging does not seem helpful.

If your husband has honest reason to believe the mother is abusing drugs/alcohol to a degree that it is impairing her ability to parent, he has to take action. To not do so in unconscionable, IMHO. Just because he does not have custody does not mean he is still not responsible for the well-being of his children. Alcoholics/drug abusers are not often able to maintain a household that is conducive to parenting, let alone single parenting a child on the spectrum.

As with any divorce, the kids' needs need to come first. All decisions should be made based on what is best for the kids. What is best for the parents needs to be of secondary concern, after the kids' needs have been addressed. Sounds to me that your husband needs to seek legal advice if your suspicions are true.

Whew I thought I was going crazy because it seemed like everyone had read a different post than me. But I am glad I am not the only one.

Where did you see that sentence at? I re read the post again and couldn't find it. I also read it slowly look out for it and still didn't see it.

If your husband has honest reason to believe the mother is abusing drugs/alcohol to a degree that it is impairing her ability to parent, he has to take action. To not do so in unconscionable, IMHO. Just because he does not have custody does not mean he is still not responsible for the well-being of his children. Alcoholics/drug abusers are not often able to maintain a household that is conducive to parenting, let alone single parenting a child on the spectrum.

As with any divorce, the kids' needs need to come first. All decisions should be made based on what is best for the kids. What is best for the parents needs to be of secondary concern, after the kids' needs have been addressed. Sounds to me that your husband needs to seek legal advice if your suspicions are true.

This might be the best point to start from.

Sorry for the uproar but it's hard to see intentions from a screen, and making autism an excuse for interfering is a big no, imo. If the situation is bad, it is bad, no matter with or without autism.

Alcoholics/drug abusers are not often able to maintain a household that is conducive to parenting, let alone single parenting a child on the spectrum.

There's always the possibility that we are just crazy together! But I, too, had to go back and re-read the post because I felt like somehow got swooshed over to a parallel world with a different OP when I was reading the responses. There seems to be a serious disconnect to me.

Huh...I feel like we are not even reading the same post.

What I read is "my husband's ex is not taking care of their kid. The therapist has expressed concerns about it. What are we supposed to do?"

It is possible that the family originally lived in NJ and the mom moved to be closer to her family (or whatever) and the father cannot afford child support if he moves to OH. My point is, we don't have a lot of information, so judging does not seem helpful.

If your husband has honest reason to believe the mother is abusing drugs/alcohol to a degree that it is impairing her ability to parent, he has to take action. To not do so in unconscionable, IMHO. Just because he does not have custody does not mean he is still not responsible for the well-being of his children. Alcoholics/drug abusers are not often able to maintain a household that is conducive to parenting, let alone single parenting a child on the spectrum.

As with any divorce, the kids' needs need to come first. All decisions should be made based on what is best for the kids. What is best for the parents needs to be of secondary concern, after the kids' needs have been addressed. Sounds to me that your husband needs to seek legal advice if your suspicions are true.

Hello,
I'm new to this group/website and I'm looking for help and guidance regarding my step son and his mother who is not giving him proper support for his austisum needs.

He was diagnosed with aspergers at the age of 2.5 years old before I was in his life. After diagnoses my husband and his wife at the time did not purse any form of therapy or threatment. They were both negevie to his situation about what kind of care he really needed. because he is considered high functioning they thought he would grow out of his issues.

After my husband and I met, he introduced me to his children. I knew right away that his son was not like other kids. He Showed all signs of a kid with aspergers. After several talks he took the steps and found a therapist for him. My husband is suffering from a lot of guilt for not doing this sooner because his son is 9 now. But at least it was a step in the right direction.

We live in New Jersey because that's where our jobs are, his ex wife and kids live in Ohio. Due to the distance we only get to see his kids every 3 weeks on weekends and longer periods of time over the summer and holidays. We have speculated his ex wife to have an addiction to pain killers and/or Alcohol. We believe this because when the kids have called she occasionally is drunk in the background of FaceTime and has abused pain killers when my husband was married to her. She can't keep a job and is only responsible for taking care of the kids including taking their son to his doctors appointments and helping him at home and give him a structured life. She can't seem to do basic motherly duties which she constantly complains about and forget about a structured life, half the time the kids don't brush their teeth.

Recently we met with his sons therapist. His therapist informed us that the son has regressed for several reasons. She told his ex wife to start a schedule and a structure. Limit the iPad to 20 minutes per day, help guide him with his eating, etc. Absoutly none of these tasks are being implemented at home by his ex wife. The therapist had to refer her to another clinic that specializes in eating because she could not take direction from her. His wife is waiting for doctors to correct her son but is not willing to put any extra time in at home. Everything that we have been told to do by the therapist we have done even though we only get him every 3 weeks. His son only eats carbs and is gaining more and more weight. Like I mentioned in the beginning his son is highly functioning and when he is with us we see daily improvement, it's very frustrating to see him go back to Ohio and we have to start all over 3 weeks later.

My husband is worried about confronting his ex wife because he is worried it will set her off and she will go off the deep end and pull the kids in the middle of it.

As a woman this is very sad to me, I don't understand what kind of mother wouldn't want to do everything for their child. I've talked to my husband about getting full custody but we do not even know if this would hold up in court. How many judges will take 2 kids away from their mother? My husband offered to take the kids full time and she says no I can't live without the kids. I think she can't live without the child support.

I also don't want to see his children go through pain in a custody battle but if they continue in this situation i fear for their future as adults. Has anyone ever been in this situation before?
Any advice is greatly appreciated
Thank you,

I had to read the OP again because I couldn't understand any of the responses here so I thought I misread the post. What I saw in the post was a wife being concerned because the mother isn't helping her son and not listening to the doctor. The wife and her husband are trying to help him but with the inconstancy, it makes it hard and it's true for any child. She mentioned full custody to her husband but he is afraid to do anything about it because of how his ex would react.

Only thing I can think of is if your husband can try and get a job in Ohio so you both can move closer and hopefully have more custody of the kids but it's tough trying to be a parent when the other parent isn't being consistent with your parenting.

To people who say it isn't her business:

When you are married to someone with kids or in a long term relationship, their kids become your business and responsibility. Don't want it, don't marry someone who already has kids or get in a relationship with someone who has them. Especially if you don't want this possibly drama.

Judges that sit in family courts have seen it all, and there's NO way that she would have received full custody of her children if she were having - as you allege - issues with substance abuse.

This. I'm not seeing any nefarius intent behind this woman's email other than a worry that the child's needs are not being met because the child's therapist reported that the mother is not implementing any supports. That, to me, suggests that there is at least a real reason for concern. It implies that the mother knows there are needs (she's taking the child to the therapist) but isn't meeting them, per the therapist's report.

If there is alcohol/drug abuse, that is easily a reason why things are not going well at home, and definitely a concern for the non-custodial family for ALL the kids, not just the child on the spectrum.

As to why the stepparent is posting here and not the father - she's the one who saw the need for therapy, she's apparently been validated by a professional, and obviously cares for the child enough to advocate for him with her husband - a difficult thing to do as a stepparent.

Yes, there may well be more to this, but maybe we could start approaching new posters' posts with an assumption that their intentions are good? We really benefit no one by filling two pages with accusations - all that does is make the OP go away. How about responding with some suggestions on how to manage a blended family with a child on the spectrum? I know we have posters here who fit that description.

OP: hang in there. I wonder if you and your husband can get mediation to ensure the kids are safe? It's an interim step before going in for custody, and may at least get you better information than you have now - sounds like you are working off of a gut feeling and need more concrete evidence of what's going on. As a co-parent, the child's father does have a right to step in if he feels his son's health is at risk.