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Y'all have my word that my lips are zipped

Mrs. Donahue, if you're still out here and need specific advise on your son's situation, please post. I may not be able to help much with HFA-related issues, but I have some experience with picky eating in general, and carb craving in particular.

I think I mainly try---but there are things that I think bear pointing out albeit maybe more gently.


Sometimes I hang back a bit-- sometimes I don't. Sometimes it depends on my day or how I perceive the posts. In particular, the posts that concern me most usually seem to be fishing for a particular answer (like a type of push poll) that the person plans on using to convince (or sometimes bully) the other parent or the bio parents and gaslight them to think that they don't know what they are doing and should listen to him/her about what to do. This sort of person is not looking to be enlightened or for other points of view and confusingly sometimes they will state they are, but everything else about the post says it is not so.

If I think the that is the case I will jump in. There was a recent post like that by some guy who called his son bratty and entitled and who was looking to gather opinions that he was right to bombard his wife with them. (My interpretation of it, anyway)

I did try to be delicate, but honestly I wonder if I was too delicate, and if I should have jumped in sooner b/c he did get a string of responses that (in my opinion) took his question to be too literal and sincere than was warranted. You may ask what damage could that possibly cause? Well, what if the wife is right and he is wrong and now she feels more pressure from someone who may be a bully to do things his way to the child's detriment?

So, yeah, I am going to go on if I think balance is needed. I don't think telling members they should think about not posting if they have nothing nice to say, is the right answer. They may work with Aunt Bertha at Christmas, but I think it is dangerous to do here, depending on the post. Sometimes intent is necessary to understand

The other issue I have is that I don't we should be policing each other excessively for niceness. It is one thing to say if you can, try to hang back for awhile if you think you are going to word things too rashly, but I don't think we should be assuming that just because people are suspicious or blunt that they are wrong in posting and contributing.

Balance is not necessarily this forum's strong suit, and even if we are trying, which I think most of us do, most of the time, we are all going to misjudge sometimes, on one side of the other--either being too trusting or too suspicious. We are also not going to agree on who is doing the misjudging. That is just the way it is going to be on this kind of forum.

I do also think it is a good idea to post something of a warning notice to new posters, but I have a feeling that the majority of the problem first posts are going to be from people who do not read the "Read this before you post" notices, or stickies or anything like that. Like HisMom, I lurked for a long. long time before first posting to get a feel for the place, but I don't think that is usual.

As far as why people are feeling like they somehow lucked out in not getting attacked first thing, I think it is probably modesty on their part. I doubt those people's first posts really had anything that looked like a bad intent. If someone just uses a loaded word like "cure" but the rest of the post seems OK, people will usually tell the person politely why that it is a word that is problematic here, and answer the questions. It is usually when intent or motive or something like that is at issue and it looks like they want to use our community to hurt someone, whether a child or a parent --that things get nasty.

To be clear, I'm only asking for discretion with a first post: in general once someone has decided to engage in a two-way conversation (I suppose there are exceptions) I think it's easier to tell the poster's intent and it also generally means that the poster may have explored here a bit more.

I guess I'm also uncomfortable with a blanket "if-you-can't-say-anything-nice" if you put it that way...hm.

I don't remember the particular thread you're referencing, but there's a big difference between someone actually engaging in name-calling and someone implying name-calling, and I'd like to give the latter the benefit of the doubt in their first post. In general, from what I see, the type of poster you're describing will either create multiple threads or repeat themselves in the same thread, and I would prefer that they out themselves in that way. In those cases when the thread gets locked, it's usually driven there by the OP, which is a different situation than the single-post-thread-locked issue. I'm not trying to say that we never see jerks here, nor that we should never call out bad behavior.

I also don't think we should stop offering constructive criticism: there's a lot of bad stuff out there that happens to autistic kids and IMO we should help put a stop to it.

I do remember years back there was a poster who came to ask about his older teen, and he would have tripped all those flags. He really seemed to want to believe his son was lazy and irresponsible and argued that point on several different threads. I think there was a lot of back-and-forth, but I also think that eventually this parent came around. I also think he was talking one way and acting another, so the posts came off more harshly than I would guess his parenting did.

I'm wondering if we can figure out a way to manage these issues with consideration to first-time posters?

Thank you Momsparky for translating what I wrote before.

People should be themselves, I just wish we were all a bit slower to lash out.

We can all be sensitive and reactive about some things. We can all try to calm the flames. I'm glad you are trying, Momsparky.

How dare you guys go off and have a perfectly fascinating conversation without me

For the most part, I agree mostly with Momsparky.

If anyone here knew me from my very baby infancy on message boards/forums, you would know that I am not at all about censorship. In fact, I have been censored by more than one moderator in my time (though not recently, and I like to think I have gotten better with my communication over the years). And when it comes to more established posters, I really don't feel the same need to try to "protect." Actually, on numerous occasions I have "stood up for" some of our more...ummmm...blunt posters, either on forum or in pm, not because I think anyone really needs me to stand up for them, but mostly because I think communication is hard, and I don't think we should always have to work so hard at it, and that this should be a safe place.

But when it comes to newbies....we have a LOT of awesome information here. Collectively, we have more information to share than an entire library. And I feel that information is critical to the well-being of kids on the spectrum. But if we chase someone away, then that information is lost to them. All of the potential benefit is gone...sometimes due to a couple of lines of heated words. It isn't the offended poster who loses out...it is the kid.

I think the benefits of communicating in a way that encourages a new poster to stick around and learn outweigh he risks of indulging an a*hole. The a*hole will eventually be found out or get bored when they can't get a rise out of people. If someone finds it difficult to monitor their own posting, then maybe step back and let others do the talking until more information is known. Like most people, I vary from day to day regarding how well I am able to self-monitor. I mean, it's not like I've never ranted or that I've never posted a wall of meaningless words before. But I do try. And I probably have as many posts that I have written and deleted as I have that are actually posted. Because I reread what I wrote and realized I am not contributing anything or I am being overly provocative and I can't figure out how to tone it down.

His Mom, I do get what you are saying when you say that we need to give existing posters the benefit of the doubt. I agree with you. What makes this different, is when you are an existing poster, you "know" the people you are talking to. You know that Yippy is going to cut to the point and may be a bit "too" blunt. You know that OliveOil might say something rash and then later come back and apologize for it. You know that in the 3 feet of post that I just wrote, I may actually say something that makes sense, but you are going to have to wade through a bunch of rambling to get to it. And every once in a while, I actually write something worth reading. You know DW will almost always be wise beyond what you think is humanly possible. We all know that.
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But to a new person, we are nothing more than the current things we type. We are a bunch of random voices with no context. So while a "harsh" word said by one of the regulars may not seem "harsh" to me because I have a context to draw from and I know where they are coming from, without that context it is just harsh. I don't know about the rest of you guys....but I want to spread our message far and wide. I want parents everywhere to know that there is a different way to view--and live with--autism. I want people to know that there are many of us who are finding ways to raise our kids as whole people. I want parents to know that it is OK to just be happy with the kid you've got and that it really doesn't matter who they do and do not measure up against. That's not the message that's out there in the mainstream.

I want to make our message available to whomever will read it. Because for every parent who is able to stick it out, it's one less kid who has to grow up...well...the way kids grow up when their parents just don't get it.

I believe I have now fulfilled my rambling quotient for the evening. Thanks if you read all the way through. You're a real trooper! (and yes, this is the shortened down version! )

Good topic.

I'm afraid I've stepped back a lot from this forum, largely because I am needed elsewhere. When I was a Wrong Planet moderator, I used to put a lot of energy into trying to be one of the first voices in any thread on this board, to guide the tone. Even when I retired, I tried to keep highly involved here (Parenting) because it was dear to me. As other members seem to have stepped up into being highly involved and keeping things going, I've let myself step back and pursue other interests, off-line. Plus, the further down the road my family gets, the more difficult it is for me to remember the details of how we helped my son / exactly what he was like and, thus, more difficult to impart relevant advice.

In the past, with the exception of when I was a moderator, official moderators by and large haven't read this forum, because it was uncomfortable for them; it does have a different dynamic. Since I haven't been in touch with all of the current moderation team, I can't comment on if that is still the case, but I would assume it is.

Members have to understand that walking into an ASD forum is a whole new ball of wax for most parents. The tone and way of talking is really, really different, and can be off-putting for parents used to the world of parents. I come from a blunt family, so I mostly found it amusing. But I'm not like most people.

I remember spending a lot of time in pms with posters talking about why they should pull back, what the goal is. Some members want to come here and use it as an indirect outlet for their frustrations with their own parents. But when someone does that, it chases parents away. And when we chase parents away, we hurt the odds that the parent will learn how to help their child in a positive way. Yes, I believe that strongly that we have something unique and positive to offer.

People need to keep their eyes on the prize, IMHO: making a better future for the children of our posters. When we take a deep breathe and assume a kind tone we don't instantly feel, we aren't doing it for the offensive poster; we are kind because that is the only chance we have to improve things for their child. Not all our members realize that when they come here, but it has to be remembered, if you care at all about the ASD kids.